Scars

Well it has been a very long time since I wrote on my blog, especially since I was writing at regular intervals before. There is so much going on that I will write a few entries with specific issues, in hope of updating my readers as to what has been happening over the last several months. This one will be more about my introspection over the last few months.

I have been spending more time than usual trying to figure out why life has been the way it has been for me and my children. This has led me to try to understand my own life and why things have happened the way they have long before I married my ex husband, long before my children, and long before my son's addictions. I am wondering what is it about my behaviour, my patterns, my background that may have taught me dysfunctional traits that have led to make decisions that have created more and more dysfunction.

I have come to the conclusion that two major elements of my life have led me to be where I am today. Firstly the relationship with my mother and her premature death. Secondly, the traumatic onset of my bowel disease (ulcerative colitis) at a very young age (7).

I had a very close relationship with my mother. She was a stay at home mom until I was around the age of 6 or 7 and again from the age of about 10 or 11. I loved her and looked to her for comfort and assistance. She was my everything, she loved me unconditionally, she was a wonderful role model, she was self sacrificing, she was nurturing and hard working in everything she did. She was gentle and loving yet also a fierce lioness who would always step forward to protect or defend my sister and I. My illness must have caused her great worry and it was when I became ill and spent a lot of time at home and hospital rather than school which was the beginning of my somewhat less than ordinary social development.

I can not recall how many years I was at home, but during that time I did not go outside and play with the neighbourhood children, or if I did I have no memory of doing so. I know I missed a lot of school so the "normal" development children gain from the social and societal structure that school gives and teaches us was absent in my life. We had no real close family friends, no family what so ever in the same country let alone near by. For this reason my mother became even more important to me.

                                                    My mother and I before I became ill.

As the years went on I eventually began trying to do more things and though I missed much of my school years, my mother encouraged me to continue  education and sign up to community college. She was supportive and encouraging. I started taking one or two classes in the evening and eventually worked up to attending full time during the day. In the beginning it was very hard for me, though I was intelligent enough and eager to learn, I lacked the past experience the teacher expected of the students. I was ready to quite early on, however, my mother sat with me and we did the work together until I became more comfortable and confident with the work! When the first year was a success, and I started my second year, my mother encouraged me to apply to University and I was amazed I was accepted to all I applied for. My mother was so proud, I know she was. She wanted a bright and successful future me, even more so given the circumstances of my childhood.

Basically my mother was always there for me, always helped and advised and cared for me. I did not have the typical childhood in which I built up social circles and learned coping skills based on normal social development as other kids do through going to school and being part of a group. I did not live in a family in which there was lots of activity. There was no extended family, my parents only had one couple who they were good friends with and they were older and therefore their children were very much older than my sister and I. So while I spent a lot of my childhood at home, the home was quiet and I depended on my mother for all my learning and needs.

My mother and father did not have a healthy relationship and my father (as most men in those days) saw his main role as provider who went to work and earned money to fulfil his needs as husband and father. My mother and father fought often and seemed to have a love hate relationship, very much having their ups and downs. They eventually divorced when I was about 12 or 13.

They say women look for someone like their fathers to marry, I think I have always searched for someone to take care of me, love me  and support me as much as my mother did. I was just getting my feet on the ground, second year of studying at UCLA, loving it and doing well. Learning how to talk to people and socialise. Feeling better about myself, my life and the future. Then out of no where my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given 3 months to live. My world crashed. My life changed. I cared for my mother at home. I took her to her doctor appointments, to radiation and chemotherapy. I cooked and shopped and cleaned and tried my best to maintain my academic studies. My mother and father were no longer together and my sister no longer lived at home. I watched my mother deteriorate and suffer and eventually saw her take her last breath after hearing that haunting sound of the "death gurgle".

I never found anyone who was even near to filling my mother's shoes because I must somehow project the wrong energy since the men I have attracted or been attracted to have been anything but a caring, loving, supporting giving man!

This is one factor of my life, my past, my personality created by my childhood that has contributed to my life's choices and my behaviours which have resulted in difficult situations and upset. The other one was a byproduct of my illness that affected nearly my entire childhood. As I mentioned, this illness resulted in years of near isolation. That plus the pain and discomfort and doctors and embarrassing procedures, all contributed to a very sad childhood.

Just before starting middle school my family moved and I had missed a lot of primary school due to being ill. I had a year of home schooling in our new home. I was also put on a high dosage of steroids which created a child who had the look someone with Cushing's syndrome. When I started middle school I was still slightly overweight, with bushy eyebrows and I wore my hair in two plaits. I wore unfashionable clothes and was painfully shy. I became the middle school's perfect candidate for bullying or as it was called then "being picked on". I was called names and laughed at in class, I was the one no one wanted on their P.E.teams or any activity that we were put into groups or teams. I was laughed at and rejected during lunch and recess. I was humiliated on the school bus. I walked alone from the bus stop to my home with a group of children (mostly boys) walking behind me calling me names and laughing all the way home. I have blocked out most of the names I was called and only one phrase has stuck in my mind all these years, "whale on the beach, whale on the beach".

                                                        Me at around the age of 10.

Naturally this lessened over the years and my appearance improved, a lot,inside I felt like the whale on the beach for many years to come.

As a result this made it very difficult to "put myself out there" as an adult when it came to socialising, first because of shyness, insecurity, now because of age, depression and my parental responsibilities, I  now realise that I have had a need to be accepted and liked and "popular". I have been somewhat vain and often insecure. I want to be wanted as a result of my illness and my childhood.

The years of exclusion and then the bullying when I re entered the world during my most informative years, created such insecurity and self doubt within me. This was because of my illness and then the horrible way I looked thanks to the only treatment at the time, long term steroid (prednisone) treatment. I felt fat and ugly for a very long time and whenever life was stressful I immediately started to attack myself and felt fat and ugly and useless. I have been looking for validation all these years and that is maybe why I stay in unhealthy relationships because I want validation regardless of the health of the relationship. Perhaps this need of validation and approval and being liked is why I wanted to be liked by my children's friends rather than being the parent who treats their children with more authority. I am deep down inside afraid to upset my children, I want them to like me as well, maybe that is why I lack some of the strictness that maybe a parent should have. I want to be seen as the popular mom and the cool mom in my children's social circles. That is absurd when you consider that all stems out of childhood experiences of being rejected and unliked.

This fear of being rejected and ridiculed and not being accepted, along with the void my mother's absence has created within me, has made me into someone who is a people pleaser, someone who avoids confrontation, always seeking approval from most people who come into my life. Maybe this affected my parenting and I should have confronted the terrible home life much sooner than I did. Maybe I could have avoided some of the damage my ex husband did to our son's emotional well being. Maybe I should have been more confrontational and cared less about being "liked". Maybe because of these issues within me it has somehow made me insufficient with dealing with all the hurdles and obstacles and in so doing I have created more and more issues until our life is as we now know it, chaotic, dysfunctional and unhappy.

This is me!

The expression that something can "scar you for life" seems to be true. My scars seem to have affected me and my choices and my emotional health which in turn has affected my children's lives. No one can ever take the place of my mother, but I should not be looking for anyone to fill a void even if she was the soul provider of all my needs. I suppose in meeting all my needs and my social isolation I did not learn how to be self sufficient and build a life worth living due to all my avoidance behaviours. No one can erase the years of bullying and feelings of low self worth, but I should not have spent too many years looking for acceptance. Now I find myself living in a society which is becoming more and more obsessed on how many people follow us, how many "friends" we have or likes we get, I feel that it feeds on my insecurities and though I am no longer an adolescent or in my 20's I seem to succumb to that horrible competition when it comes to my online life, and I HATE that about myself.

The real question is, if I am indeed scarred for life, how do I make those scars less permanent? If indeed these aspects of my psychological make up have helped create this hugely messed up life, how do I move on from understanding it to changing it? How did these things contribute to my son's feelings and seeking solace in drugs? My daughter's anxieties and fears and almost emotionless existence? How will affect my youngest in the nest few years?

On that note my next post will be how these issues allowed me to fall in love with a compulsive liar, womanising addict which in turn caused not just me but my son and youngest daughter great betrayal and broken hearts.

Once I have addressed these more introspective issues I will tell then update you all on my son's roller coaster ride of a life.

Love, love and more love.

Not really focused on addiction today. Not really wanting to be logical or thought provoking about the way drugs and alcohol took over my family's life and all the repercussions of that. Nor do I want to intellectualise the possible reasons why my son or anyone becomes an addict. Tonight I just want to write. I want the cathartic process to help me purge my emotions and to allow the tears to flow smoothly and with purpose. I want to write about, love.

A range of loves have just came to my head as I write: parental, sibling, romantic, friendship, but also the love of self, the love of drugs and unhealthy love. I believe every human being is born needing to be loved and there is an abundance of research on how the lack of parental love in childhood has negative impact on cognitive, developmental, emotional and social/psychological growth. So from the beginning we need to feel the warmth and fulfilment love gives us the best start in life and if we don't we are more prone to having an onslaught of problems in life!



I have written in previous posts that al I wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mother and when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child my first reaction was pure joy. It was very unfortunate that the baby's father did not share in my joy and most of my pregnancy was spent arguing. Despite the negativity and arguments, I loved, I mean I really LOVED being pregnant and carry my baby within my womb. I talked to my unborn child and messaged it as it moved about and felt intense happiness within myself at the knowledge that I was indeed going to fulfil one of my most precious dreams of becoming a mother, and nothing, not even the baby's father would take that away from me. It seems, through people I have met and stories I have heard, that sometimes having one "good", loving parent is enough while the other parent may be absent or is emotionally inadequate. However it may not be the case if one parent is emotionally abusive, though I tried to love my children and nurture them and stimulate their development as much as I could, maybe the "energy" of the house as well as the negative behaviour from their father made it so my love was not enough.

My first child was an unplanned pregnancy and caused a lot of conflict in our relationship. We did stay together and tried to make things work. Our little boy could not have been more perfect. He was loving and kind and good natured. He suffered no terrible twos or tantrums. He always held my hand and was a joy to be with. When there were moments when he had to be disciplined, he stood in his time out corner and always listened carefully to my explanations why he was having a time out. He was so full of love and positive energy and lust for life that I felt that his loved deserved to be shared and that he and his sibling would benefit from sharing his love. I always wanted a big family, but I never thought that possible and did not want that with my husband, but I felt that having a little brother or sister would be wonderful for my loving boy.

Our second child was our only planned child. It took a while but we did get pregnant and funnily enough I can not remember the exact moment I discovered I was pregnant like I do with my first. Perhaps that is because the first pregnancy is such a  milestone or perhaps it is because the second pregnancy was somewhat clouded with worry when we discovered she had club feet and were told that that may be a sign of other developmental problems. Luckily there were no other genetic or developmental problems but it did make us worry.

Sibling love. It was there and it was good for a while, then as the years went on it changed and here we are now and those two have not spoken in 18 months now. I tried to love them both, both since I was the primary care giver to my son and the person he spent most of his time with, actually ALL of his time with, there was going to be some changes. Also with the added element of severe club feet to a new born, as well as regular physiotherapy and hospital appointments and surgeries, there was a lot of added stress.

                                    A picture from the internet which resembled our baby's feet.
                                                                                                                                                                           

So for whatever reasons (extra stress, tense relationship between parents, increased resentments, lack of attention) those early days have impacted on all of our relationships with each other; however, in the beginning despite difficulties there was love between brother and sister.

As far as the relationship now, well obviously living with a chaotic drug addict and having mom's attentions being fully consumed by the problems she faced, has taken there toll on the brother sister relationship. That as well as the early stresses and that dad was not a loving and affectionate and involved father have created a sibling relationship which now seems devoid of all love.

The bonds that my two older children have with the youngest seems different again and each seem to have more love for her, yet my son seems to be more interested in pursuing a friendship with her than my middle daughter does.

In http://www.education.com/reference/article/influences-sibling-relationships/ the author discuses a range of sibling issues as well as other relationships influencing sibling relationships, as well as only children. She says:  "In homes where fathers are affectionate and helpful there are more positive sibling interactions. On the other hand, conflict between mother and each child is associated with increased sibling conflict". She goes on to say: "Children's personalities, social and cognitive skills, self concepts, values and sense of self protection from the outside world are influenced by their sibling relationships". So this type of love is different from the love we get from our parents but is very influential in our development and creating how we understand love and relationships and the world to work.

I am a die hard romantic, I have written about my feelings of true love more than once, and believe that much of my inner conflicts and feels of self doubt are due to the fact that I have been unsuccessful in finding true love. True love, romantic love is a very big part of the culture we live it, It is very commercialised and engrained in us from the first fairy tales we hear as small children. We grow up feeling the need to find that one special person out there. We also grow up feeling that is we don't have such love in our live that we are failures. I sometimes go through moments where I feel I have failed myself and also my children by not being able to find true love, yet on a deeper level it is not as simple as failing to find something I want, it is an emptiness that is created by the biological and physical as well as spiritual need to give and receive love. Human beings need love. They flourish in a loving environment and in loving relationships. People are better people when they are loved, it is that simple. When we are not, than we become bitter, self absorbed, negative, self hating and we begin to languish.

                        


Friendship is a key factor to us as children, forming our identities and branching out into the world and leaving the close-knit unit of just our family that we had as infants, toddlers and young children. However, the role that friendship plays in our development in adolescents does not stop there. Friendship is vital to us as adults, especially if we come from less than loving families. Friendships offer us not only a special type of love but because we choose each other as friends, it is unique in its bond. We have similar interests and we like each other and we want to spend time together because friendship often give us a great deal of fun in our lives. On the other hand, we have all experienced the age old saying that you  know who your friends are when the chips are down! When life throws us conflict and struggle from all angles we need the support from friends especially if we are single, in a dysfunctional relationship. and/or have poor family ties.

I often turn to music for comfort and release and I find if we aren't singing about love, then we are singing about friends or if neither than we are singing about getting high or drunk!
There are so many songs about friendship! This song "Lean On Me" popped into my head last night after not hearing it for many years and the lyrics are very poignant:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Writer(s): Bill Withers
Copyright: Interior Music Corp. 

In times of sorrow, pain or when we are lost and confused, we need a friend to lean on. We need the support of our friends. Our friends will remind us that no matter what,  they will still be there and just as importantly, that a true friend will in turn be there for you despite their own problems. We do not need to feel weak or ashamed that we have "lost face" or are incapable of fixing our own problems, we are not in the least. I think that when we are "brave" enough to go to our friends with our demons then we are showing how much we love and respect our friends that we trust them. We are also opening ourselves to them and showing that we trust the friendship that we can put ourselves in a vulnerable position, "bearing our soul" if you like. I know we all have friends that serve a purpose, friends who are specific to certain situations, acquaintances etc, but while talking about friendship I refer to the real and true, tried and tested friendships that we may have, may only have one of, some of us may have had and lost or some of us are still hoping for. Our friends will not fix our problems, that is not what we want or need, sometimes we do not even ask for advise, we just want and need support, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or sometimes we just want to go to our friends and let lose and have a bit of fun so that we can feel rejuvenated and refreshed and energised so that we can face our problems as a stronger person. Friendship, reciprocal and supportive friendship is like gold to us. If you are lucky enough to find love AND friendship, then you have found the whole pot of gold!

                  

The irony of love is that sometimes we need to have experienced being loved in a healthy way in a healthy home to be able to find healthy love later in life , but people who grew up in loveless or dysfunctional homes and who need love most, do not have the skills to find or maintain healthy and loving relationships/friendships. That is when we often turn to "things" to make us "happy" or actually to make us forget that we are feeling unhappy and unloved. "Things" such as: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping (retail therapy), money and status, just about anything that makes us feel good temporarily. If we did not experience healthy love, we sometimes are attracted to people who are unhealthy for us, treating us in ways we should not be treated yet because it is a familiar feeling and it helps "prove" our self fulfilling prophesy that we are "unworthy" and do not deserve to find happiness. This is way so many people stay in co dependent relationships, do not seek help if they are suffering from a dysfunctional family relationship or allow people to use them as objects of ridicule rather than including them in peer groups, or to be controlled by others. I can understand when my son says he LOVES drugs because in fact since his childhood he has had very little successful relationships within the family and in school and in friendships and he has never experienced any form of romantic love. So if he takes opiates that give him that "warm, fuzzy hug from inside" then, yes, he would want that again and again. If he has many unpleasant and unhappy memories and taking dissociative and sedative drugs  help blur his reality and impair his memory, then yes, he will want to use them again. The longer he relies on substances, the harder he will be able to create happiness without them, for obvious social and psychological reasons, but also from a brain chemistry point of view because the opiate receptors will rewire his brain so that pleasure will be associated with opiates rather than other "happiness". It will be a long process for my son to find other forms of love, to believe in love, to rewire his pleasure and happiness receptors, to trust others and make himself vulnerable. The reward would be friendship, love and happiness,that is the ultimate goal.
                                                                                                                                                                                        

So the bottom line wont come as a surprise to anyone, we all NEED to be loved from infancy throughout our entire life. Though our needs change and the types of relationships that give us love change, we all ultimately function better and thrive when we are loved and can love in a healthy and open way. We do not need to fear what love and friendship offer us, because it does not make us weaker or insignificant or shamed. We can still be true to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves but gain support and energy and respite from turning to those we love in times of chaos and conflict.

It may sound simple, but like another great song says, "love is all you need " and everything else will fall into place!

                              
                            
                             

Leaving This Year Behind Us!

Only a few days left of this truly difficult year, 2013, will be over! I can not say that I am sad to see it end. Maybe it was an unlucky year because it had the number 13 in it? Not that I am superstitious, but it would be wonderful if there was such a simple explanation and knowing that next year will be free of such bad luck!

                               

Bad luck, fate, destiny, karma, stupidity, bad choices, whatever....I want things to be different in 2014. Part of me things that I have the ability to make life better, another part things that I do not. I do think that there is an element of luck in our lives, and some people do seem to be blessed with good luck while others are cursed with a constant barrage of bad luck. Sometimes too it is about being at the right place at the right time, making those connections with others and being exposed to opportunities that lead to wonderful things. Lets face it, money is also a factor, not only does having money take away so many worries that you have the luxury to focus on other important aspects of your life, but money also enables you to do the things that make you happy, We do not control how other people in our lives behave, their life choices but nor can we control how these people will affect us and how they will imprint on us.

                                         

So in a few days it will be the beginning of a new year. Will I have more money, more opportunities, better luck etc suddenly on January 1, 2014? Of course not. I can try however to change my attitude about the problems I am facing and try to approach the situations positively. I can try to believe in my self more so that I can feel confident and comfortable  enough to put myself in situations in which I might make those connections and opportunities that may result in some movement forward. Maybe that will lead to employment which will improve my financial outlook and therefore create less stress and more ease to do the things that make me and my family happy. Maybe I can start gaining more acceptance that I am not in control of people in my life who repeatedly hurt me. I will accept that I have been and will continue to be a mother who loves her children, but also that some of their life choices are just that, their choices.Perhaps I may even learn to let go of those people who still manage to push my buttons and realize they have no place in my life.

                                  

2014 may be the year in which I gain better understanding that I am not the cause of my son's drug addiction. I may have made mistakes that of course affected his life as well, but ultimately I am not responsible for his issues or his unhappiness or his addictions. I hope I will gain confidence and believe more strongly that I have in fact been a damn good mother who adored her son, and other children. I did the best job I could and made them my priority, always! I have tried and tried and tried to do all that I can to help my son through his addiction. Now I must learn that, for my own well being and ultimately the well being of my daughters, I need to let go of my son but without feeling that I have failed him or that I am any less of a mother.

                         

In the forthcoming year I will need to allow my son to make his decisions, as he has been doing, but now with the difference that he will have to take responsibility for himself AND his choices. He will have to deal with the ramifications and though I have not abandoned him, I will no longer be the bubble wrap that has cushioned my son these years. He needs to do what he needs to do and hopefully learn and mature  and find some insight to enable him to find the strength, courage and want to make a life worth living. I want to remember 2014 as the year of epiphany, self discovery, growth and rediscovery.

                           

Feeling Positive

Today all I want to say is that I feel that maybe this is the time when all the pieces will come together and we might actually find ourselves on the road to recovery! I say, "we" because we will all be on that road, not just my son. As a family we will need to heal and recovery and it will take time. I am not sure why I feel like recovery may be in our sight soon, but I do, for now.



I do not have any specific or significant events that has made me feel this way. It is a series of events and there still needs to be a lot of work and nudging to be done that is for sure.

Some of the things I feel good about are:
My son attending an appointment with his key worker at the drug and alcohol recovery centre.
My sessions with my support worker.
My meeting with the BRICK project (http://www.eypdas.org.uk/about-eypdas/our-services-for-children,-young-people-and-families/the-brick-project.aspx ) for the past 4 weeks.
My 5 mentor training sessions, with 13 more to go.
These last 3 have enabled me to have many discussions and meet some dedicated and caring people. One of the facilitators in the BRICK project said, it may be "fate" that has brought me to the project and the mentoring to find the right people who will help my son. Though we have tried in the past with agencies, doctors, support etc,  perhaps the time was not right and the "right" contacts were not made. Maybe now things are "right".



My daughter is open to starting her own journey to recovery by extending the help she receives by starting "Emotionally Resilient Group Therapy" provided my our local child and adolescent mental health services. This is in addition to her weekly sessions with her support worker. My youngest daughter for the first time ever has agreed to some school clubs so she now has things that will keep her busy and take the focus away from home and help build her self esteem.

Also my son has had a few very open and frank discussions with some professionals that might actually be helping him to see things more realistically. The threat of Social Services raising the stakes by possibly making this a Child Protection case is not a good thing obviously, but the fear it evokes can be used positively.



After walking away from a very unhealthy marriage and being a stay at home mom for the last 18 years, coupled with the focus on my son's drug usage for the past 6 years, I have become to feel very insecure about my abilities to succeed or perform or contribute to anything outside the family home. Actually even my capabilities as a mother has often been challenged over these last few years as a result of the addiction and the downward spiral of behaviour and  family relationships.

Ultimately, the more active I become the better I feel about myself as a person and as a mother. These factors provide me with a greater sense of hope that we will eventually embrace recovery. Comments such as, "You will be great as a mentor", "Your daughters are a credit to you for coping well and achieving at school", "You are doing very well and more than many parents would do" have allowed me to feel more positive. I can also see that there is one or two people we have come into contact with that really want to help us, because they really care.

Of course there have been things happening that aren't so great or positive, but do you know what? I don't want to think about those situations and worries today!

                                         
                                         
People can survive addiction and come out still having a loving family and a positive future, and we will be one of those.

Genetics or Learning, or Both?

Are we all predisposed to addiction? Is there such a thing as an addictive personality?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addictive_personality


There are definitely socially acceptable addictions such as exercise/sport addictions and legal addictions such as social networking addictions! Of course we have all known "workaholics" and "shopoholics". These are all forms of not being able to function without something and has in essence taken over the person's life. However, we praise and admire the athlete who trains endless amount of hours each and every day, who in fact feels unwell and unsettled  if not able to train. We often praise the workaholic who spends his life working to "provide" for his family. However there are many forms of addiction; whether it be sport, food, sex, gambling, shopping, work, social networking, mobile phones, video games, the internet, alcohol or the most stereotypically negative which is the drug addict.




As far as people being predisposed, well I think there is enough evidence to say that , yes, we are predisposed to addiction. It does not mean that that is the only factor in addiction. Of course there are behavioural factors such as poor coping mechanisms, learned behaviour and psychological elements which of all part of addiction as well. Yet there is no denying that genetics play a role, we have always heard comments such as, " he is an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic, so what did you expect?". For many years I think people thought is was just the way it was with some people. Don't get me wrong, there is truth in learning negative, self destructive behaviour, but I think there needs to be something in the brain that make some people become addicts.

http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/addiction-science/genes-environment-comorbidity/studies-have-shown-40-60-percent-predisposition-to-addiction-can




I am sure I have intimated before that my ex husband has many issues of his own and one thing that was an issue for me but not for him, was his drinking. I still tend to believe that while we were together my ex husband displayed an alcoholic personality. I think this because for one, if he had one drink he could not stop at that. He could not calm down and relax and enjoy any social situation without having quite a few drinks and in fact would get quite agitated if he was not "allowed" a drink. As the years went on, the amount of drink he would consume in one sitting increased and as it did so his aggression and tension also increased while he was "sober". I once set him the goal not to drink for a short period after our first child was born and after just a few days he became very angry that he could not sleep and he was not feeling well because of it so therefore he will no longer entertain my silly "challenge" and went back to drinking. Many times he would look unwell, red beady eyes, puffy and smelling horrible in the morning as he went to work.



When ever the subject would come up that maybe his drinking is turning into more than just casual, he would refute this argument with the "I do not have a drink in the morning, therefore I am not an alcoholic. I do not have a problem, you do". Not all alcoholics drink in the morning, that is at least my opinion.

My ex husband's father also drank a lot and in all honesty it was the norm and the excepted thing that men drink, they go out drinking, they drink a lot, so let them be.

While my ex husband and father in law were quite compelled to drink and could not easily stop when they did, my ex sister in law, in my mind, also has an addictive personality but always used that compulsion to  do things excessively to good use; studying, working and especially running. She can not imagine life without running and sometimes would design her holidays and work trips to coincide with races, training, etc.. Having children did not even stop her, she was out there running the track while pushing her baby's buggy!

I believe that my son has a genetic predisposition to addiction, he has been psychologically "damaged" which led to the desire to escape through drugs as well as having a role model from whom he learned behaviours such as using substances/alcohol as a coping mechanism which help us we hide from our emotional pain.



I do not think it is easy to explain addiction and it is different for each individual while those individuals share many similarities as well. Genetics is of course only one element of addiction.

More interesting is that of all the addictions, drug addiction is still portrayed as the junkie shooting up, the low life, the pot head who sits in a cloud of smoke all day, the "off his face nutter" in the street. Well it is not like that as everyone reading this knows! People also seem to think that giving up drugs would be "easier" than giving up many other addictions, that also I do not understand and is again as we all know, not at all the case. For the addicted, it doesn't matter what the addiction is, what matters is the painful emotional dependency as well as the physical need to continue with that addiction.

Anyone who is addicted has their reasons that are often multiple and very complex. Giving up and relearning coping skills, learning to fill their time with other things that are productive rather than destructive, reforming relationships as well as saying goodbye to others, the list goes on, takes a lot of work and courage and perseverance. We need to try to understand and never forget that these people who suffer from addiction are people who need support.

Hope

It is ironic that I have been unhappy how our lives seem to revolve around drugs and yet, I have been doing things lately that are making my life focus on drugs even more. Of course the difference being that formerly it has been my son's drug taking and addiction that has been the focus, and now it is about me wanting to learn more, speak more openly to others with similar problems or interests and trying to gain the tools to help my son, myself and eventually others.



Never have I been closed minded about drugs or judgemental about people who take them, however, in recent years I have seen my family start to fall apart and suffer because of the detrimental affects drug use can have, I have wished that I would have never known anything about drugs! It was not an education I chose to have, it most definitely was not an education that I would have ever wanted any of my children to have! In fact, to be honest, I sometimes become very angry and disappointed in myself, and my son to be honest, that I have somehow been responsible for my youngest daughter to grow up in her most innocent years learning things no one at her age should learn. Of course I feel the same sense of responsibility and disappointment and guilt over my other daughter's pain and damage she has suffered due to the influence drugs have had on our household and family. Like any parent, when I look at my son, I feel I have also somehow let him down, first because I did not fulfil all his needs and therefore he felt he had to turn to drugs, and secondly because once I was aware that there was a problem, I was unable, and have been unable, to help him enough. I know, I know, it has to come from the addict, he needs to want to get help...but at such a young age of 15/16 would he have been able to make the mature decision that he needs help? Now that he is 18 people look at the situation differently, but I can't help but to look back and in hindsight think I should have been doing more! Then ultimately that leads me to the thoughts that if it his addiction that is causing the problems, if he is an "adult" who can decide whether he wants help or not, then it stands to reason that my daughters are not in the same position and I need to focus more on them....it goes round and round in my mind, in my heart, in my very soul on a daily basis. Now I may be disappointing people when I say...I still believe that I can help ALL 3 of them and that we can ALL come out of this healthy and whole and one day I WILL have all 3 of my children leading good lives and they will all be grateful. Is that foolish or unrealistic? I do not think so, though I am sure others may disagree.



OK, so I got off on a tangent like I so often do!

My point when I started writing today was that I am getting more involved in drugs! I have had 2 training sessions in the lengthy mentor training process which was focused on drug and alcohol education. Many people on the course, as I would expect, are recovering addicts, and I find them not only interesting people but also an inspiring testament to me that people can recover after  many years of dependency and addiction! I look at them and think...WOW, there is hope. Plus they want to help others...an even bigger WOW!

Last night I attended my second session of The BRICK Project which is a combination of an al-anon type of meeting as well as an informative course with different guest speakers. Talking to other parents who have different stories and situations but we all share the common ground of living with a child who suffers from a substance misuse problem and the ramifications it has on the family and the guilt we as mothers share is not only strangely comforting, but also reassuring that we are not alone.



I suppose looking back through the years,  the opportunities did not present themselves  before as they are now. Maybe things do happen for a reason and maybe now is the time we will be led in the direction we are meant to be in and in the process find help. I don't know. One thing I know that though I sought help for my son in the past and though we did have contact with various services nothing transformed, nothing happened, nothing worked, no new doors were opened. Now again I find myself in the situation that we have been seeking help and though nothing has "worked" yet in regard to finding a path to recovery, there seems to be more possibilities this time. Also in the process I may have found a new path in my own life, my life that somehow became stagnated in a bad marriage and its aftermath. Now I find myself where I wanted to be years ago after I studied psychology in university, wanting to find a way to help others. I am also rediscovering that I am an intelligent woman, I do have things to offer and my last has not been wasted!

As for my son, well he has met with one of the members of the drug and alcohol team three times now, someone my son feels a connection with based on their common knowledge and understanding. Someone who "gets" him. They have come up with the beginnings of an action plan and it looks promising at the moment though I am being cautious about my optimism. My son also agreed to seeing a psychiatric nurse on a spur of the moment visit (there was of course a phone call an hour prior to see if it would be ok) since my son was asleep when the scheduled home visit took place. This took place yesterday and it dispelled my son's fears that we are trying to get him "locked up" in hospital, but there is still an element of uncertainty. Hopefully it may lead to other avenues being explored, or maybe not, at least that door is now open.



I am willing to talk to anyone, seek help from anywhere because I have been saying all these years to my son,you have to keep trying and weed through a lot of people and services and advise until you find the one that will help you. It was too daunting for him, after one bad experience or outcome, he did not want to try again. I feel I must keep on and try harder than before to help us find the person or the program or the treatment that will be the one, the one that will put us all on the road to recovery because at the end of the day once my son starts to recover from his drug dependency and addiction, we as a family will all have to recover from the damage done to each of us individually as well as a family who can function as a healthy unit.

Being strong

Well, I am thinking, one thing is for sure, I do not like being a "strong" woman; because that means all the burden is on me to deal with! I wish I was less strong, living a less challenging life with less dysfunction!

But I am living this life, it is my life and no one else's. I am not living the life of ease or luxury. I have pain and hardship do endure, I face challenges that I often would rather not face. I have problems I do not know how to solve, and some that I can. Whether I like it or not, I AM STRONG.

I am strong, but I am no longer stupid. I know that being strong does not mean that I must do everything and do everything well and work till I feel like collapsing. I know that being strong does not mean that I can still have weaknesses and desires. I can cry, I can hide away, I can allow myself to dream of a nicer life. I can do things just for myself and not always for others. In fact these things make me STRONGER if you ask me.

I am strong to be who I am. I am strong to know that I am not perfect. I am strong to know I have made mistakes. I am strong in admitting I am sometimes unhappy and feel unloved. I am strong to let things go to focus on other things. I am strong not to always be bothered about what others may think. I am strong to know I want more. I am strong in hoping that one day I don't need to be strong!