Nothing Changes New Year's Day

New Year's Day 2014 is today.

Many people around the world are hung over from too much celebrating the night before. Celebrating a new year with hopes of new beginnings, hoping that this may be the year that something lacking thus far in their lives will find them and fill a void. Resolutions are made by many, resolutions that will soon be forgotten.

                              

Yesterday there were no celebrations in my house. The house and kids were a mess so my agenda was to have something cleaned before the New Year started. After a slow start I  decided to start with our kitty and give him a flea treatment. Since he sleeps with me, I thought I should also change my bedding. Not that was riddled with fleas, but it is better to be safe. Then I showered my youngest. As I brushed and combed her washed hair I discovered she has lice, which shockingly is a common occurrence with British children. OK, that meant dry the hair and put lice treatment on, change her sheets, comb with lice comb, re wash hair! Then I told my other daughter she better check her hair....she thought she was all clear, but eventually found two disgusting creatures in her hair. OK, treatment and thorough coming, wash hair, change sheets! I might as well do mine, to be safe, but later, too much to do! Any one who has been through this ordeal, knows how tedious and time consuming it is!

During all this I am getting phone calls and txts from my son. He had a Dr's appointment and wanted to stop by since the doctor is very near my home. Eventually after lots of toing and froing we agreed that he would stop by but not come inside and collect his benefit letter at the door. Then when I made the suggestion that he could stop by a certain friends house, my son was very quick to inform me that he is no longer welcome there and that it is my fault! Apparently when my son was kicked out of the first homeless shelter for drugs and was looking for places to stay, even if for just one night, this particular friend asked his parents and it was ok until he let it slip to his parents that my son was homeless and why. Upon hearing the truth, this friend's parents said that my son was no longer welcome in their home. So my son started to tell me how this was all my fault, I made him homeless! I tried to explain how it was all his choices that led us here and that the more people that refuse to help him because of his drug addiction, eventually he will learn why and start taking some responsibility to get into recovery.

                              

So, as I was trying to deal with my mess inside with mountains of washing (and no tumble dryer), realizing that time was getting on and that I still needed to get out to the shops since come New Year's Day they will be closed, and still not dressed, my son knocks on the door. Never is anything simple, could we just say our hello's and collect his letter and be on his way? Of course not. Somehow my son started talking, again, of how he needs to have his clothes washed, he wants to bring some stuff by because he has too much to lug around, etc. I noticed that he had new trousers on. The day before he had met with his father who bought him some jeans and a thermal top and gave him £50 and bought him lunch etc. OK great...but I have given him much more and it is never good enough. He tells me how the trousers I gave him for Christmas have already ripped and blah blah blah. Then he contradicts himself by telling me how good he has been living since he is homeless. The shelter feeds him good food, he has been treated to lunches and he is near fast food places. He has been more productive, he is out more etc. As much as I understand that he longs for a relationship with his father and independence is a self satisfying experience, my son seems to want to hurt me with the way he communicates these things to me and always puts in an insult or two for good measure. He not only treats me with gross disrespect, blatantly holds me responsible for EVERY bad thing that has ever happened, he speaks highly of others who do minimal for him and yet is ungrateful and even unaware of how much I have done and still do for him.

                               

I had to try to stand my ground and not emotionally charged and keep the interaction to a minimum, while offering him to come over the following day and then he could also pick up some nicer clothes to wear to the police interview on Jan 2nd. When he continued to wind me up about his father, I succumbed (as I often do) and asked if his father has offered to support him some way on the 2nd. Has he offered to get him to the police or stay with him to give him emotional support? No, because "Dad is going away for a few days ". Lovely! "He can go away if he wants, why not?".

                           

After I shut the door I lost it. The floodgates opened. Why do I have to deal with all the crap? The fleas, the lice, the washing, the cooking/cleaning, punctured tire on my car,  the bills, the debt collectors, lawyers, courts, police, social workers, drugs, chemicals, drug services, suicidal daughter, groups therapy, appointments, mental health services, doctors, school, being on the news, gossip,  shitty comments, lost friendships, unemployment, my son's homelessness, crap from their father, listening, crying, arguments, putting up with the crap, hoping, waiting, wanting to fix it all, and now Christmas and trying to keep it together and keep the magic alive for my youngest......why, why, why???? He CAN GO AWAY? He doesn't have to deal, he can relinquish responsibility and also blame ME for Everything? How the F*** is that right or fair!

Their father lies to the Social Workers and sends me txts such as, "You seem to be ok with the girls not seeing me before Christmas and not getting their presents...?". Disregarding all we have had to deal with lately and that also was my sister was in town for only a few days. He then said he would not see them any other day before the 29th. When that was agreed I said that he could collect the girls across the street from the house, it's easier that way and better for the girls. So I get accused of being difficult and he will not have it. I again caved in to the games and said that I was just trying to put our children's well being first, unlike him. I also asked for a time when the visit would end (so I could plan my day).  So when I read his response, "Great job you have done with our son. When the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the five", well I was in tears and so upset that he could be blaming me on what a great job I have done in raising our son. Hell-lo, he did/does have a father, yet he blames me and me alone? Then he speaks to me like a child regarding the time his visit with our daughters will end? Really!?

It's ok for him to go away whenever and wherever he likes? How about me? This hit me even harder than usual, because a few weeks ago an old lover in France sent me a lovely email about how I need to do something for myself, and get out of "it" for a few days. He wrote me that we could look at the snow on the Alps, drink wine and love one another. For the first time in a long time I felt excited and happy that I can do something for me and it is OK. I deserve to get away for a weekend and recharge my batteries. To feel young and beautiful and worry free. I thought about it, we wrote a few emails and then I started to look at airline tickets and planning in my head who to ask to look after the girls, which friends could they go to , who would look after the cat etc. Long story short, it is not happening and I feel that he may have bailed on me,  I told him when I was thinking of going then it was no longer convenient because he will be away working. No discussion on making other plans and no contact now for a while.  My bubble burst, big time!

                                           

So I am having a rant here, sorry. I just feel like all these little and big incidences boiled up inside of me and I felt like screaming.

Today . New Year's Day. New beginnings. New chances,

I started with playing a board game with my daughters. My youngest has been feeling neglected since so much of my time and attention was always taken away by her brother and his problems, which of course helped build my own problems. When he was getting ready to move out and I explained to her what was happening, I told her that now we could start trying to make things better at home. "So you will play with me more from now on?" was her reaction. I had to say that not right away, but soon, "after Christmas, mummy?". "Maybe, we will see how it goes".



What a better time then to show to my daughters that things will start getting better, playing a game together on New Year's Day. My little girl was thrilled and we enjoyed it!

My son arrived a couple of hours later and it all changed and I realized that it is so very hard to make change happen. Everything soon went pear shaped and the raised voices and arguments and disregard to my wishes were all happening again as if the last 15 days never happened. He left a couple of hours later only to return an hour later (for 10 minutes he said) to collect clothes for tomorrow, That 10 minutes turned into a couple of hours and him getting high/drunk in his room and messing about and wasting time. My daughters were shut away in their room and I was getting so frustrated and disappointed. Eventually I had to tell him that he is no longer welcome in my home unless he agrees to be clean and sober. No more lies. No more manipulation. No more shit! I even told him that because of his behavior that I will not take him to the police in the morning, make his own way and whatever will happen will happen.

                                               

All this is NOT MY FAULT. I am NOT responsible for my son's behavior. I am not responsible for his choices. I will no longer be his scapegoat! This is a new year and I WILL NOT do it anymore.

I will think of making this a happier home for me and my daughters, and I know it will take time. I will find someone who does want to spend time with me and have moments to recharge myself. I will not feel guilty if things go wrong for my son. I will continue to love my son and hope for his light bulb moment which will lead him onto the road of recovery. I will welcome him back when he returns as my son and not a using addict.

New Year, may not seem much different in my house today. Nothing has changed for my son. Nothing has changed within our dysfunctional relationships. The problems and difficulties remain.

Something is different though. No matter how much my buttons get pushed by my ex, or guilt is thrust upon me by my son, or I feel rejected by old lovers, I am not going to let it control me anymore. I will try, little by little, try to make that change and this year will see me becoming more empowered and ultimately happier, whatever the future holds.

At least, this is my goal....today, on New Year's Day 2014!

                               

Leaving This Year Behind Us!

Only a few days left of this truly difficult year, 2013, will be over! I can not say that I am sad to see it end. Maybe it was an unlucky year because it had the number 13 in it? Not that I am superstitious, but it would be wonderful if there was such a simple explanation and knowing that next year will be free of such bad luck!

                               

Bad luck, fate, destiny, karma, stupidity, bad choices, whatever....I want things to be different in 2014. Part of me things that I have the ability to make life better, another part things that I do not. I do think that there is an element of luck in our lives, and some people do seem to be blessed with good luck while others are cursed with a constant barrage of bad luck. Sometimes too it is about being at the right place at the right time, making those connections with others and being exposed to opportunities that lead to wonderful things. Lets face it, money is also a factor, not only does having money take away so many worries that you have the luxury to focus on other important aspects of your life, but money also enables you to do the things that make you happy, We do not control how other people in our lives behave, their life choices but nor can we control how these people will affect us and how they will imprint on us.

                                         

So in a few days it will be the beginning of a new year. Will I have more money, more opportunities, better luck etc suddenly on January 1, 2014? Of course not. I can try however to change my attitude about the problems I am facing and try to approach the situations positively. I can try to believe in my self more so that I can feel confident and comfortable  enough to put myself in situations in which I might make those connections and opportunities that may result in some movement forward. Maybe that will lead to employment which will improve my financial outlook and therefore create less stress and more ease to do the things that make me and my family happy. Maybe I can start gaining more acceptance that I am not in control of people in my life who repeatedly hurt me. I will accept that I have been and will continue to be a mother who loves her children, but also that some of their life choices are just that, their choices.Perhaps I may even learn to let go of those people who still manage to push my buttons and realize they have no place in my life.

                                  

2014 may be the year in which I gain better understanding that I am not the cause of my son's drug addiction. I may have made mistakes that of course affected his life as well, but ultimately I am not responsible for his issues or his unhappiness or his addictions. I hope I will gain confidence and believe more strongly that I have in fact been a damn good mother who adored her son, and other children. I did the best job I could and made them my priority, always! I have tried and tried and tried to do all that I can to help my son through his addiction. Now I must learn that, for my own well being and ultimately the well being of my daughters, I need to let go of my son but without feeling that I have failed him or that I am any less of a mother.

                         

In the forthcoming year I will need to allow my son to make his decisions, as he has been doing, but now with the difference that he will have to take responsibility for himself AND his choices. He will have to deal with the ramifications and though I have not abandoned him, I will no longer be the bubble wrap that has cushioned my son these years. He needs to do what he needs to do and hopefully learn and mature  and find some insight to enable him to find the strength, courage and want to make a life worth living. I want to remember 2014 as the year of epiphany, self discovery, growth and rediscovery.

                           

So this is Christmastime?

Christmas, soon it will be the beginning of a new year. A time to reflect on the past as well as new hope for the year ahead.

This time last year I would have never foreseen the the events that lay ahead. This is a pattern that has been my experience for the past 5 years or so. Each Christmas I find it hard to put on the show that all is well and we have good cheer in our lives and happiness lays ahead for a brighter new year. Each year there are new hardships and obstacles that were unexpected. Due to this, I no longer have faith that next year will be better, rather I dread the up coming year and what it holds for my children and I. This is the bitter truth, though I keep saying aloud that 2014 WILL be a better year, I do not think I believe it. Perhaps I am afraid to believe it will be better so that I will not be disappointed.

                          

Christmas 2013 saw some kindness and joy, but it also saw an empty place at our table. This Christmas my first born is homeless. I made him homeless 10 days before Christmas. Trying to do what is best for my children is breaking my heart and my spirit. I could not imagine such a life for someone who is or use to be kind, loving, giving, fun, passionate, positive and care free. I imagined a life surrounded by happy and carefree children, blossoming, growing, curious and enthusiastic to explore all the wonders and magic of the world. Instead I have a homeless son addicted to drugs and a depressed teenage daughter who is contemplating suicide and a young child who has seen and heard and experienced things she should have never experienced. I am alone without parents to advice me or give their grandchildren the love they need. I have no partner to hold and love me and give me hope. My children and I have only each other.

So. My son is homeless. I had to tell him to leave because the professionals involved with my daughter were concerned with her safety. I was not allowed to leave her alone or travel on the train, and remove all dangerous items from my house. She had confessed a plan to her counselor that if things do not change soon she will take matters into her own hands. She had a plan on how she would kill herself and by when. She would not divulge to anyone how, but the time frame was that if things do not improve she will not be alive by Christmas.

                           

I gave my son a week to find somewhere to live as he had claimed benefit and received a backdated claim of £600. Despite our efforts and the dedicated support and assistance from our Family Solutions worker, we could not find anywhere or anyone who would take him. He asked friends but because of his drug problem no one was willing to take the risk of having him in their home. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. My son bit the bullet (and popped some pills) and phoned his father. Well, I can not understand how I still allow myself to be surprised and disappointed in this man. Perhaps it is because I see the pain and disappointment in our children and I see the ramifications that his negligence causes and I am the one left to cope with the mess. So while the Family Solutions worker and I sat there trying to come up with a plan with my son as it became clear that he would not have a place to live, my son said he would buy a tent and live outside, wherever, however, he didn't really know, he just would. We suggested in trying it out for a night before he invests money in buying the camping equipment only to discover that he prefers to be indoors where it is warm and dry. On this proposal my son said he would call his father and ask if he could borrow his father's tent and sleeping bag to try it out. I heard some of the conversation from the next room, as did our family worker, and we were impressed and proud that my son was upfront and honest with his father. He explained what happened with the police and what chemicals he had and what he was doing with them. He explained that because of his behaviors the home environment is less than good and it is affecting his sisters. He also told of the concern for his sister and that she is talking of ending her life. That brought him to discuss how we have finally come to a date after months of speaking about his moving out, but he has no place to go as of yet. He very maturely asked his father that if he does not find a place by Dec 14, could he stay with his father temporarily while he continues to look for accommodation. He also disclosed to his father that if he finds no where he was thinking of camping out and moving around from field to field and thought maybe he could borrow his father's camping gear. This may come as no surprise to anyone here reading this, especially if you have read my previous posts, but somehow I was still surprised. My darling ex husband told his first born child that since he does not really know him and vice verse he does not think it would be a good idea, he has no idea how and if they would get along and that in his one bedroom flat there would not be enough room. However, he is OK to let his son borrow his tent and sleep outside in the winter, illegally as well, in parks or woods! What a message is this "man" giving to his son who has so many issues including a drug dependency!?

When the day and time came to collect the tent from his father, because his father could not be bothered to drop it to him, our son phoned that he was running late and could it be pushed back an hour. No was the answer he got because his father had to meet his girlfriend! Disgusting!

The worst thing is that when the family worker and social worker contacted my ex husband he played ignorant but stuck to his guns that he can not do anything to help!

As timed ticked on,  unbeknownst to me, my son was spending his benefit money on alcohol, opium poppies (after not having had opium for 4-5 months), 500 benzo pills, legal highs, and 1 gram of Etizolam powder which alone cost £188! He also bought a few "normal" things like cds and had a night at the pub with his friends. The plan was that if he had nothing in place, the last resort was to stay in a cheap B&B. The B&B that was cheapest and closest was booked up and everything else was too expensive. I looked and looked and finally booked him a room, but then low and behold he confessed his spending spree and did not have enough money to pay for more than one night! So I paid for another night so that Saturday and Sunday he had a place, but his father refused to help and did not even contact his son to see where he went to! Monday he would be off to a homeless shelter in another city, about 30-40 minutes drive from our home.

He lasted 2 nights in the night shelter before he was kicked out because of drug supplying to others as well as his own drug taking. His room was searched while he was out and the police were called in to remove the drugs. When my son returned to the night shelter Wed evening his bagged were packed and he was sent on his way.

Surprisingly my son was not phased and found a friend (I have only met once) to stay with and managed to take the train to his friend. Apparently his friend's mother, who I do not know, agreed to let my son drugs and all stay will the new year. Things changed and a few days later he phoned me that he needs to leave Christmas Eve and he does not understand my cruelty and over reaction in my refusal to let him back home for "a few days". Then on Dec 22nd he phoned again that he needs to leave and can not stay anymore. I said I could not help, but then he said it was ok because his friend's mom is so very nice and good and they "bonded" so she put him up for a night in a hotel! The following day I organised him to go to our city's night shelter, though full, and ask for help. I also contacted our family worker and she made some phone calls to the shelter. I spent my afternoon, the last day of my sister's visit from America ad not getting my own things done, rather I picked him up and helped him get sorted out at the night shelter and convinced them to help him though at first they were turning him away.

While this was going on I was getting demanding txts from my ex that he wants to see his daughters to give them their present Monday. When I said they were spending the day with their aunt from the states, his only reaction was just,  "then Tuesday!".  I asked our daughter and she said it is her birthday and Christmas Eve and she wants to be at home. Rather then understanding this when I relayed her wishes to him, he started txting me that I do not seem to care that the girls get their presents or not!!! Seriously???? My only response to that was that there is a lot more at stake here than a Christmas gift and the biggest gift of all would be taking our son in and eliminating some stress and fear. His answer...."next sat, film and lunch!".  Argh!!!! Coming from a school teacher off work during the holidays it is an even bigger ARGH!

In the 10 days that my son as not been living here, he came home unexpectedly one afternoon while we were out to help himself to a shower. That resulted in me taking his key away. On Christmas Eve he knocked on our door  very intoxicated asking for a scarf, or some food, or to use the toilet...I would not let him in and I had to stay firm and refuse him. How heartbreaking. He calls me at 1 am, 2 am, off his face and wanting to chat. Next time we talk he tells me that people think I am being horrible for making him homeless and need a kick up my ass!

We agreed that he would come over for Christmas Day dinner but he would not be allowed in if he was intoxicated. My middle daughter refused to see him or to have dinner with him. He showed up 45 minutes late. He did not appear intoxicated but as I have become an expert, well almost, I knew he had a manageable amount of benzos so that he feels better without appearing under the influence. He was wet and muddy because he walked through the park and walked through puddles and slipped a few times. It was not a pleasant visit and I found myself on edge and very uncomfortable and suspicious. He made sarcastic comments about the gifts I had for him, yet praised the small yet useful gifts he received from the homeless shelter. He wanted to spend time in his room but I kept refusing that luxury. He did slip away to his room while I was cooking and come down to eat and I immediately knew what he had been up to!

Tears hidden, frustration apparent, depression trying to surface for all to see. Worry, dread, fear, shame, inadequacy. Not exactly the emotions one once at Christmas time and with the New Year approaching. All this and not mentioning that my son goes back for questioning by the police On Jan 2nd, the day after New Year's Day!

Oh I need a break! I need a change of scenery. I need to feel that there is more to life. These needs should be easier to fulfil than my need to know that ALL my children will surpass these hard times and make a life worth living. Sadly, even these simple needs seem hard to fulfil.