Compassion Fatigue

After my last post of post traumatic stress disorder, I started researching more. I came across this term used for professionals but it is something I felt I could definitely relate to, "Compassion Fatigue". It is a term giving to those professionals who suffer "emotional strain of exposure to working with those suffering from the consequences of a traumatic event".

According to Wikepedia it is described this way: "Compassion fatigue, also known as secondary traumatic stress (STS), is a condition characterized by a gradual lessening of compassion over time. It is common among individuals that work directly with trauma victims such as nurses, psychologists, and first responders. It was first diagnosed in nurses in the 1950s. Sufferers can exhibit several symptoms including hopelessness, a decrease in experiences of pleasure, constant stress and anxiety, sleeplessness or nightmares, and a pervasive negative attitude. This can have detrimental effects on individuals, both professionally and personally, including a decrease in productivity, the inability to focus, and the development of new feelings of incompetency and self-doubt.^[1]

Journalism analysts argue that the media has caused widespread compassion fatigue in society by saturating newspapers and news shows with often de contextualized images and stories of tragedy and suffering. This has caused the public to become cynical, or become resistant to helping people who are suffering"

                                       

It got me thinking about how this might also happen in families dealing with long term stress or illness or addiction. Though I have found a few articles about addiction practitioners and compassion fatigue, I have not been able to find many that speak of a similar sort of disorder or burnout amongst family members. I am thinking that if you live with an addict and especially if there are others in the family home, such as children, there is bound to be trauma and in my particular situation I was in essence my son's caregiver and I also watched the trauma his addiction had not only to himself, but also on my daughters.

I was and am the caregiver of my family, my children. For us in particular, our circumstances of being a lone parent with no extended family, I was the sole caregiver even when outside agencies tried to be involved, everything was on me. So when I read the symptoms of  Compassion Fatigue, of course I could relate and I would imagine that many people living with an addict can also identify with:

• Excessive blaming
• Bottled up emotions
• Isolation from others
• Receives an unusual amount of complaints from others
• Compulsive behaviours
• Poor self care
• Legal problems, indebtedness
• Recurrence of nightmares or flashbacks
• Chronic physical ailments such as stomach problems and recurrent colds
• Sadness or apathy and no longer finding pleasure in activities
• Difficulty concentrating
• Mentally and physically tired
• Preoccupied 
• In denial about problems 

These symptoms were taken from Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project http://www.compassionfatigue.org/pages/symptoms.html

I think that I could tick off most of those symptoms while my son lived here with me and his sisters in the family home, but there is still an element of it that I have not been able to move on from. Maybe it is because, even though the "stress" has been removed, the impact on us here and even the physical impact on the home itself, has not been fully recovered yet.

When I look at how to help yourself move forward from the effects of Compassion Fatigue, one of the most striking suggestions to me is "listen to others who are suffering". Perhaps this is the biggest tool we as humans have, to express and share our pain and experiences with others in order to not only gain insight for ourselves, but also to lessen the burden and most importantly to help others and give support, knowledge and understanding to others who may be feeling overwhelmed and isolated. This is when organisations with group support systems are very useful. If you do not have such support groups locally there are plenty on line support chat groups and even blogs and social media can help.

                                                 

As much as some might like to think that we are invisible or that we like living a life of solitude, the fact remains that part of being human is the need for other human interaction and companionship. We need to have validation from others. That is why our relationships are so important to us and when you live in a dysfunctional environment plagued by addiction it is very easy to lose sight of this and to become masters of illusion to everyone outside our home that everything is ok. We are sucked into the vortex of the disease, but we become so good at living double lives that we often believe everything to be fine and forget about our own needs.

Of course it has been several months that I am not the sole caregiver for my son, he is now his own caregiver, but that does not mean that you start feeling the benefits immediately even when the addict leaves your home. My son is still part of my life and I still witness the damage he is doing to himself even though on a far lesser scale now since I no longer witness it 24/7. I had to live with the fallout of the damage he helped create and also his addiction left us damaged. I do not think I am feeling all the symptoms of this so called compassion fatigue any longer, but I certainly think I did when my son lived at home.

Whether you are a professional or not, living with someone like an addict does take it's toll and we need to remember we are not to blame and that we deserve and need to look after ourselves as well! So as hard as it is people in the throes of trying to make their life seem normal and then dealing with all the manipulation and fear the addict puts on us, we have to try to find some way to help ourselves. Take time out for yourself, go for a walk, take a nap go to a support group, find something that works for you. I have learned that, and I have learned that we all deserve happiness and peace and that we can not control the addict we love and their choices; however,  we can make our own choices to live a happier and healthier life. It is not easy, that I know, after years of my son's growing addiction I finally made the choice that the rest of the family was suffering too much and I had to think of the future of my daughters. I made the choice to tell my son to move out, that was nearly 10 months ago, and we are still adjusting and dealing and suffering to some extent, but it is slowly getting better. I refuse to give up on him though, and I will try my best to maintain a healthier home while still supporting my son in any positive choices towards recovery that he may one day make on his own.

                                               

Getting My Life Back

Happy Saturday to everyone!

Today I will not write my usual blog post, I will be happy and positive and write briefly on the fact that I deserve to have a life and therefore I will start to live my life.

                                                  

What is prompting this post is that this evening I am going to a party! I am sad to admit this, but I am always 100% honest in my writing, is that this is the first real party I have been invited to since I met my ex husband! Sad, isn't it? Oh there was the one time we were invited to my new friends when we were new to our current neighbourhood, for a little pre Christmas get together...but it was not a "party". My then husband did not enjoy himself because, as he opening admitted to me, there was not enough drinking and too much mindful chatting! We were never invited to anything like that by those "friends" of mine again. There was the three weddings we attended, on 2 of the 3 occasions I was left to my own devices while my husband drank far too much (and at one of them we were humiliated as he was fumbling and falling all over the place and we had to pour him into a taxi to collect our 2 year old son and go home). One of the three weddings was in Ireland, and I was taken back to the house where  we were staying , just me and the children, while my husband drank the entire night away. Another wedding was in the States and it was a very pleasant affair, which came to an end at 11 pm and my husband was greatly annoyed, so we went back to the hotel, I put the children to bed while my husband went down to the hotel bar to continue in his private merriment!

There were the odd family get together at my then in-laws house. Again that usually involved copious amounts of alcohol, or if my husband was driving and could not drink, then he sat miserably and silently while I had to make endless idle chit chat!

We rarely had anyone at our house and ironically soon after my husband and I split and I finally started to meet a few people, I could not have people around, but this was now due to my son's drug taking and unpredictable behaviour, just as much as the insecurity and unease I would feel with people in the house with "him" there and also possibly seeing something they shouldn't!

So I tell you this not to be negative, but so you have a frame of reference and understand that for nearly 20 years I have had a very limited and personally unsatisfying social life, if you can call it a social life! Now that my son is not living at home I can start thinking of developing a social life again.

                                               

Tonight a member of my support group is having a party and she has invited her circle of friends, but was also kind enough to invite the group. So therefore, I am invited to a party, with  a few people I will know and many more that I will not. There will be a DJ and food and drink. The intention is to let our hair down and forget life for a few hours. So that is what I will do. I will actually put on some glad rags and go out and mingle with people who will see me as a "normal" person. Not an addict's mother. Not the woman who provoked a huge investigation after handing in dangerous chemicals. Not the emotionally abusive man's wife. Not the woman with financial difficulties, dysfunctional relationships or a single mom with troubled children battling it all on her own. For once I will be just "Susan", I will be funny and charming and attractive, I will be the me I like to be! No one will tell me I can't. No one will tell me when to go home or to look after the kids or to take all the abusive phone calls and no one will make me feel guilty for it either!

Life goes on and as far as my children are concerned, I tell you what....I will be giving them a far greater message in being myself and being true to me than letting others control me!

Time to dust off the high heels and little black dress and let my hair down!!

                                                 

I wish you all a good Saturday and do not forget that no matter how much you and your loved ones are struggling with whatever issues they may be, you are still you, you are still a person; take care of yourself and let a little of you shine through today.

15 Minutes of Fame

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be world famous for 15 minutes. Do you now what, I have not been world famous, but we have had our share of local fame and I do not like it! We have been in the news AGAIN and I am quite disturbed how easily these so called "journalists" can twist facts until they are in fact spreading lies!

                           

This is all following my son's court hearing in which he pleaded guilty to the charges. So what sort of silliness appears in the papers? "Local teen pleads guilty to drug factory charges", and comparing him to the film "The Wolf of Wall Street"...yeah right!!!!

When a so called "friend" txted my son that he is in the news, my son was so upset and had no where else to turn but to me. He stopped by unexpectedly, much to the dismay of my daughters, but we managed to have a chat. The poor guy broke down in tears because he is tired of all this and just wanted it to all be over and done with. Yet, he is well aware that it will never really be since people have labelled him and singled him out in our community. He is also aware that in the future when looking for employment, when a Google check is made on him, these news items will continue to pop up.

So that was a few weeks ago and we had to wait for the next sentencing hearing and of course the next, and last, opportunity for the press to put our story in the local papers. What no one realises, by no one I mean the strangers reading the papers and the journalists themselves, is that the feelings the lies and misinformation evoke in my son (as in anyone in the same situation) is so upsetting that he had to make himself feel better. How does an addict make themselves feel better? Oh, yes, by taking more drugs! I understand why, to remove themselves from the outside world and to feel better and manage day to day existence. So we waited for sentencing and my son took what he could, drank what he could and tried to hide in his haze while he waited.

                                                                

My son was not in a good way.  I decided to take him to the parole office for his pre sentencing report appointment. Each time he was intoxicated so I made a point of telling him that I do not agree with his behaviour therefore I will not be supporting him in his appointment since I do not want it to appear that I condone his behaviour. This happened on the first occasion and then on the second occasion, he had no memory of the first, but again, I told him that I will be sitting in and supporting him, though he did want me to. The third occasion was a good few weeks later after sentencing when he had to attend a parole appoint, he sadly had no memory of ever being there, that was how intoxicated he was on the prior two visits. It is also a testimony how long term alcohol and drug use destroys the memory.

The day we have been waiting for since Oct 3rd finally came, the sentencing hearing on July 9. It took nine months of various turmoil and anxiety and stress and worry from his arrest to find out the punishment he would receive. Three different occasions of being in the local press, various levels of drug use, finally accepting that my son had to leave, my son's homelessness, hospitalization, moving to supported housing, fear of eviction, poverty,a roller coaster of emotions....so much happened within those nine months, and all the time the fear of the unknown future for my son loomed over our heads. It was a very difficult time, but we have survived and in some ways even progressed.

                                

Court, as usual, was a very long day. This day at court was the longest though, we were there from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm! No need to complain about that though, because we were so very fortunate to be heard in front an excellent judge. To make a very long story short, my son sat in the dock nodding off since he was self medicating throughout the day. We had the support of our Family Solutions worker and of course my son's solicitor, both very lovely women who are very good what they do. My son did not receive a custodial sentence, he has a 1 year community order (probation), 6 months DRR (drug rehabilitation requirement) and 100 hours of unpaid work as well as monthly reviews in front of the judge and the judge requested that he be the judge he sees as he would like to follow my son's progress.

The reporters were in the courtroom and one waited around outside the court house for us. My son this time did not run away from the reporter, he finally had his say, "I am glad it is all over". Yes we most certainly are, though it is not over, in some respects it is just starting as far as his recovery, the saga of the courtroom drama and the fear of the unknown of what will happen in court is finally over!

                                

We had a nice two page spread in the newspaper, and this time he was referred to as Breaking Bad Jr, this was the first article that had the sole purpose of sensationalising the evil local drug factory criminal mind of a local teenager! It was a reasonable in many respects, though there were a few "yeah right"moments when I read it!

This chapter has ended! Let us hope the next chapter will be more positive and less trying. My son made big mistakes, but as the judge clearly saw, he is not a criminal who is a danger to society, he is a young man with serious issues which need addressing with support and rehabilitation which will, hopefully, move him forward and remove the need to self medicate regardless of the consequences.

So we have had our moment of being infamous in my opinion, but maybe my son will still have his real 15 minutes of fame for an experience sparked by a positive event or contribution!


                                       
                                                           

Solutions in Spring

Spring has sprung and there needs to be a shift in my way of thinking. At the moment I have to learn to be less analytical about why things have happened the way they have and why the universe keeps testing me with one difficult challenge after the other. I have to let go a little and start thinking of more practical ways to move forward. I need to become, as my Family Solutions worker highlighted, more solution focused.

                            
So while I may still feel flat and stuck and overwhelmed and sad about what has happened and what life has given me, which makes looking forward and dealing with things in the here and now rather difficult, I will start tackling real problems with real solutions.

My son has a drug problem. End of story for the moment. I do not know why it happened or how it happened but I know I did not make that choice for him to seek comfort from drugs. I did not neglect him or mistreat him in any way. I was a good mother and still am and I am not to blame. I am not responsible for the affect other people in my son's life had on his emotional well being, I tried to compensate with my love but that is not always enough. I am still here for him now and always will be. I support him as much as I can and he is still a very important part of my life though he has not lived at home for over 3 months and he is not really a part of his sisters lives. My solution is to continue to support him, offer him practical help and encourage him to seek treatment. At the end of the day he must find his own solutions on how he will move forward and if and when he wants treatment or change.

Not much has changed inside our home in the last three months mostly because of my feelings of being stuck and also financial restraints. Emotionally I have struggled the most in regard to my son's room. Not only was it left in  a HUGE mess and very chaotic, but it was full of memories (good and bad). I felt a sense of disrespect to my son if I was the one who sorted out his things, and I felt an even bigger sense of betrayal if I would change his room from his room into anything but his room. I can feel his anger and disapproval and rejection. Yet I know very well that it is my house,  I make the decisions and I do not need to discuss my plans for a room in my house with him. Therefore I have finally made plans to redecorate it into a spare room, and if the time would ever come, my son would be more than welcome to stay in it. We will move our second T.V. from the playroom into there and store a lot of our books there, freeing up space in other rooms. It will be a space that anyone in the family can use as well as always being there for guests. I have chosen the sofa bed, and the décor. I have discussed removing the old furniture and Thursday it will be taken to the dump. So now I am packing and organising things and feeling more positive about this solution and that I have finally made the decision to do what I want and most importantly, to remove triggers of the unpleasant years without removing the memories.

                      

Broken doors and holes in the walls are also triggers, as well as left over equipment and paraphernalia...all reminds us what life was like, who seemed to be in charge and all the things we didn't like about my son as an addict. Even the garden if full of reminders as well as evidence that once a much loved part of my life had been neglected for years due to the lack of interest and motivation to keep things looking nice when our lives seemed to be crumbling from within.

Solutions: replace broken doors, hire someone to start making some headway with the garden, create spare room, pack away all reminders and dispose of anything I feel is unacceptable to keep. Already, I have cleared away all the equipment my son had in the utility room and threw away a lot of the mess that was left behind. All the spaces of our house that was significant in my son's life with drugs has been severely neglected. I have now created a clean, fresh and open spaced utility room, with house plants and flowers replacing the beakers and vices and tubes. A friend who is a professional gardener has agreed to do some work for me and she has already started and it makes such a difference in creating a positive energy and motivation. My Family Solution worker is coming Thursday to help me clear away some of my son's furniture and we will go to the dump together. So not only have some solutions been decided on, work to see those solutions come to fruition as already begun! And do you know what? It feels good!

                                 
 
I may not be financial secure and I may be alone as far as being a single mother with absolutely no family near me which has created a HUGE sense of responsibility falling ALL on me, but that doesn't mean that solutions can't be found and REALISED! I will bite the bullet and do what needs to be done even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable and intimidates me. I will do it because in so doing I will empower myself and I will feel more confidant and secure in myself. I will start reclaiming control and making life more as I would like it to be despite all the things in my life I dislike.

It is spring, new beginnings, rebirth and hope for the future. I embrace spring and all that it represents. I will actively change my focus and though remaining loyal to my son and wanting nothing more than his recovery, I will not let that overshadow everything else. I will try now to create a balance and no longer feel guilty that while my son is suffering my daughters and I can still create a happy life. Maybe if my daughters and I move on and create a life worth living my son will follow and do the same!

                     

Nothing Changes New Year's Day

New Year's Day 2014 is today.

Many people around the world are hung over from too much celebrating the night before. Celebrating a new year with hopes of new beginnings, hoping that this may be the year that something lacking thus far in their lives will find them and fill a void. Resolutions are made by many, resolutions that will soon be forgotten.

                              

Yesterday there were no celebrations in my house. The house and kids were a mess so my agenda was to have something cleaned before the New Year started. After a slow start I  decided to start with our kitty and give him a flea treatment. Since he sleeps with me, I thought I should also change my bedding. Not that was riddled with fleas, but it is better to be safe. Then I showered my youngest. As I brushed and combed her washed hair I discovered she has lice, which shockingly is a common occurrence with British children. OK, that meant dry the hair and put lice treatment on, change her sheets, comb with lice comb, re wash hair! Then I told my other daughter she better check her hair....she thought she was all clear, but eventually found two disgusting creatures in her hair. OK, treatment and thorough coming, wash hair, change sheets! I might as well do mine, to be safe, but later, too much to do! Any one who has been through this ordeal, knows how tedious and time consuming it is!

During all this I am getting phone calls and txts from my son. He had a Dr's appointment and wanted to stop by since the doctor is very near my home. Eventually after lots of toing and froing we agreed that he would stop by but not come inside and collect his benefit letter at the door. Then when I made the suggestion that he could stop by a certain friends house, my son was very quick to inform me that he is no longer welcome there and that it is my fault! Apparently when my son was kicked out of the first homeless shelter for drugs and was looking for places to stay, even if for just one night, this particular friend asked his parents and it was ok until he let it slip to his parents that my son was homeless and why. Upon hearing the truth, this friend's parents said that my son was no longer welcome in their home. So my son started to tell me how this was all my fault, I made him homeless! I tried to explain how it was all his choices that led us here and that the more people that refuse to help him because of his drug addiction, eventually he will learn why and start taking some responsibility to get into recovery.

                              

So, as I was trying to deal with my mess inside with mountains of washing (and no tumble dryer), realizing that time was getting on and that I still needed to get out to the shops since come New Year's Day they will be closed, and still not dressed, my son knocks on the door. Never is anything simple, could we just say our hello's and collect his letter and be on his way? Of course not. Somehow my son started talking, again, of how he needs to have his clothes washed, he wants to bring some stuff by because he has too much to lug around, etc. I noticed that he had new trousers on. The day before he had met with his father who bought him some jeans and a thermal top and gave him £50 and bought him lunch etc. OK great...but I have given him much more and it is never good enough. He tells me how the trousers I gave him for Christmas have already ripped and blah blah blah. Then he contradicts himself by telling me how good he has been living since he is homeless. The shelter feeds him good food, he has been treated to lunches and he is near fast food places. He has been more productive, he is out more etc. As much as I understand that he longs for a relationship with his father and independence is a self satisfying experience, my son seems to want to hurt me with the way he communicates these things to me and always puts in an insult or two for good measure. He not only treats me with gross disrespect, blatantly holds me responsible for EVERY bad thing that has ever happened, he speaks highly of others who do minimal for him and yet is ungrateful and even unaware of how much I have done and still do for him.

                               

I had to try to stand my ground and not emotionally charged and keep the interaction to a minimum, while offering him to come over the following day and then he could also pick up some nicer clothes to wear to the police interview on Jan 2nd. When he continued to wind me up about his father, I succumbed (as I often do) and asked if his father has offered to support him some way on the 2nd. Has he offered to get him to the police or stay with him to give him emotional support? No, because "Dad is going away for a few days ". Lovely! "He can go away if he wants, why not?".

                           

After I shut the door I lost it. The floodgates opened. Why do I have to deal with all the crap? The fleas, the lice, the washing, the cooking/cleaning, punctured tire on my car,  the bills, the debt collectors, lawyers, courts, police, social workers, drugs, chemicals, drug services, suicidal daughter, groups therapy, appointments, mental health services, doctors, school, being on the news, gossip,  shitty comments, lost friendships, unemployment, my son's homelessness, crap from their father, listening, crying, arguments, putting up with the crap, hoping, waiting, wanting to fix it all, and now Christmas and trying to keep it together and keep the magic alive for my youngest......why, why, why???? He CAN GO AWAY? He doesn't have to deal, he can relinquish responsibility and also blame ME for Everything? How the F*** is that right or fair!

Their father lies to the Social Workers and sends me txts such as, "You seem to be ok with the girls not seeing me before Christmas and not getting their presents...?". Disregarding all we have had to deal with lately and that also was my sister was in town for only a few days. He then said he would not see them any other day before the 29th. When that was agreed I said that he could collect the girls across the street from the house, it's easier that way and better for the girls. So I get accused of being difficult and he will not have it. I again caved in to the games and said that I was just trying to put our children's well being first, unlike him. I also asked for a time when the visit would end (so I could plan my day).  So when I read his response, "Great job you have done with our son. When the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the five", well I was in tears and so upset that he could be blaming me on what a great job I have done in raising our son. Hell-lo, he did/does have a father, yet he blames me and me alone? Then he speaks to me like a child regarding the time his visit with our daughters will end? Really!?

It's ok for him to go away whenever and wherever he likes? How about me? This hit me even harder than usual, because a few weeks ago an old lover in France sent me a lovely email about how I need to do something for myself, and get out of "it" for a few days. He wrote me that we could look at the snow on the Alps, drink wine and love one another. For the first time in a long time I felt excited and happy that I can do something for me and it is OK. I deserve to get away for a weekend and recharge my batteries. To feel young and beautiful and worry free. I thought about it, we wrote a few emails and then I started to look at airline tickets and planning in my head who to ask to look after the girls, which friends could they go to , who would look after the cat etc. Long story short, it is not happening and I feel that he may have bailed on me,  I told him when I was thinking of going then it was no longer convenient because he will be away working. No discussion on making other plans and no contact now for a while.  My bubble burst, big time!

                                           

So I am having a rant here, sorry. I just feel like all these little and big incidences boiled up inside of me and I felt like screaming.

Today . New Year's Day. New beginnings. New chances,

I started with playing a board game with my daughters. My youngest has been feeling neglected since so much of my time and attention was always taken away by her brother and his problems, which of course helped build my own problems. When he was getting ready to move out and I explained to her what was happening, I told her that now we could start trying to make things better at home. "So you will play with me more from now on?" was her reaction. I had to say that not right away, but soon, "after Christmas, mummy?". "Maybe, we will see how it goes".



What a better time then to show to my daughters that things will start getting better, playing a game together on New Year's Day. My little girl was thrilled and we enjoyed it!

My son arrived a couple of hours later and it all changed and I realized that it is so very hard to make change happen. Everything soon went pear shaped and the raised voices and arguments and disregard to my wishes were all happening again as if the last 15 days never happened. He left a couple of hours later only to return an hour later (for 10 minutes he said) to collect clothes for tomorrow, That 10 minutes turned into a couple of hours and him getting high/drunk in his room and messing about and wasting time. My daughters were shut away in their room and I was getting so frustrated and disappointed. Eventually I had to tell him that he is no longer welcome in my home unless he agrees to be clean and sober. No more lies. No more manipulation. No more shit! I even told him that because of his behavior that I will not take him to the police in the morning, make his own way and whatever will happen will happen.

                                               

All this is NOT MY FAULT. I am NOT responsible for my son's behavior. I am not responsible for his choices. I will no longer be his scapegoat! This is a new year and I WILL NOT do it anymore.

I will think of making this a happier home for me and my daughters, and I know it will take time. I will find someone who does want to spend time with me and have moments to recharge myself. I will not feel guilty if things go wrong for my son. I will continue to love my son and hope for his light bulb moment which will lead him onto the road of recovery. I will welcome him back when he returns as my son and not a using addict.

New Year, may not seem much different in my house today. Nothing has changed for my son. Nothing has changed within our dysfunctional relationships. The problems and difficulties remain.

Something is different though. No matter how much my buttons get pushed by my ex, or guilt is thrust upon me by my son, or I feel rejected by old lovers, I am not going to let it control me anymore. I will try, little by little, try to make that change and this year will see me becoming more empowered and ultimately happier, whatever the future holds.

At least, this is my goal....today, on New Year's Day 2014!

                               

Leaving This Year Behind Us!

Only a few days left of this truly difficult year, 2013, will be over! I can not say that I am sad to see it end. Maybe it was an unlucky year because it had the number 13 in it? Not that I am superstitious, but it would be wonderful if there was such a simple explanation and knowing that next year will be free of such bad luck!

                               

Bad luck, fate, destiny, karma, stupidity, bad choices, whatever....I want things to be different in 2014. Part of me things that I have the ability to make life better, another part things that I do not. I do think that there is an element of luck in our lives, and some people do seem to be blessed with good luck while others are cursed with a constant barrage of bad luck. Sometimes too it is about being at the right place at the right time, making those connections with others and being exposed to opportunities that lead to wonderful things. Lets face it, money is also a factor, not only does having money take away so many worries that you have the luxury to focus on other important aspects of your life, but money also enables you to do the things that make you happy, We do not control how other people in our lives behave, their life choices but nor can we control how these people will affect us and how they will imprint on us.

                                         

So in a few days it will be the beginning of a new year. Will I have more money, more opportunities, better luck etc suddenly on January 1, 2014? Of course not. I can try however to change my attitude about the problems I am facing and try to approach the situations positively. I can try to believe in my self more so that I can feel confident and comfortable  enough to put myself in situations in which I might make those connections and opportunities that may result in some movement forward. Maybe that will lead to employment which will improve my financial outlook and therefore create less stress and more ease to do the things that make me and my family happy. Maybe I can start gaining more acceptance that I am not in control of people in my life who repeatedly hurt me. I will accept that I have been and will continue to be a mother who loves her children, but also that some of their life choices are just that, their choices.Perhaps I may even learn to let go of those people who still manage to push my buttons and realize they have no place in my life.

                                  

2014 may be the year in which I gain better understanding that I am not the cause of my son's drug addiction. I may have made mistakes that of course affected his life as well, but ultimately I am not responsible for his issues or his unhappiness or his addictions. I hope I will gain confidence and believe more strongly that I have in fact been a damn good mother who adored her son, and other children. I did the best job I could and made them my priority, always! I have tried and tried and tried to do all that I can to help my son through his addiction. Now I must learn that, for my own well being and ultimately the well being of my daughters, I need to let go of my son but without feeling that I have failed him or that I am any less of a mother.

                         

In the forthcoming year I will need to allow my son to make his decisions, as he has been doing, but now with the difference that he will have to take responsibility for himself AND his choices. He will have to deal with the ramifications and though I have not abandoned him, I will no longer be the bubble wrap that has cushioned my son these years. He needs to do what he needs to do and hopefully learn and mature  and find some insight to enable him to find the strength, courage and want to make a life worth living. I want to remember 2014 as the year of epiphany, self discovery, growth and rediscovery.

                           

Love

Once when my son was trying to explain to me why he LOVES opium so much, he described it as "a warm fuzzy feeling, like a big hug from the inside". He also reminded me that since he feels that everyone has come to "hate" him and he gets no affection from anyone, that internal hug is something he does not want to loose.
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Lately I have been thinking about love, how we love and just how important it is to feel loved. When thinking about "being hugged from the inside" I was reminded how I felt when my mother passed away. I was attending a very large university at the time and when I went back just a few days later, I can recall being in a packed elevator in one of the school's buildings and feeling bodies close to me and being overcome by the desire to hug someone, or for someone to hug me. I felt I was so physically close to people in that elevator, feeling their bodies so close to me and being in such a vulnerable emotional state just having lost the person I loved most in the world and all I wanted was a big hug, from someone, anyone! What would have happened if someone offered me opium then? Life would have turned out differently, I am sure of that!



I realise that I have become so damaged in the way I see my son and the resentment I feel and the betrayal that I no longer give him any physical affection. It breaks my heart and I am ashamed to admit it but it is true. My lack of physical attention is not doing him any good, and as a mother it is shocking to think you can get to the point where you no longer openly show your love. I know he wants it and needs it, but we all want and need things but sometimes it is hard to fulfil that need.

Sometimes I say to my son that maybe things will change for him one day when he discovers romantic love as he has never had a girlfriend, how could he when he has basically been at home since he turned 15. I even try to make rehab more attractive by saying he might meet a nice a girl there!

I have an aunt who is very close to me, she is my mother's sister. There were three daughters borne to my grandmother and two of them died in their 50's and my aunt is the last of my family. She and my uncle could not have children, so my sister and I are very important to her. Never having children and outliving her sisters and husband she feels tremendously alone now. When I share my worries as a mother she always says to me. "be glad you have children, you are loved". I know I am, but it is not enough. Is that wrong? Is that selfish?



We feel the love from friendships, from our parents, from our children and from our romantic pursuits. I believe as human beings we need them all except perhaps those people who for whatever reason do not feel any maternal/paternal desires and choose not to have children. For myself, I have always had a very strong desire to have children from a very young age and I could not imagine my life complete without having the experience of loving my children. However, I understand that is not in everyone. I believe we all need the unconditional love from our parents well into adulthood and we always miss them no matter how old we get because they offered us a love no one else could.

People often separate friendship and love, though we do receive a form of love and affection from our friendships which is powerful and needed for our development and fulfilment. Often when children start friendships parents try to control the friendships when the children are little but we understand it is important for them to share and socialise and grow. Then when they become teenagers and all of a sudden their friendships seem to become more important than family, parents often become insecure and almost jealous that their child now prefers the company of their friends over their family. It is a very important time though in helping form their identities and building their self esteem. That does not stop when we are in adulthood, we need friends throughout our lives because friends offer us a different love than our family often can.



Romantic love is the love we seem to search for the most and often seems to elude us. I am a true hopeless romantic. I am in love with love and a sucker for all love stories and cry my self silly even when watching romantic comedies! (Well, not all romantic comedies!) I have longed all my life for a man to be hopelessly and utterly 100% in love with me...I still long for that.

Last summer I visited an old love of mine who I had not seen in nearly 20 years. He made me feel wonderful and young and alive again. It didn't go quite as I had expected in the end and in fact he "forgot" to come to the train station when I was leaving so I never was able to give him a kiss good bye (the good bye scene at the train station, like in many romantic stories). I was with my daughters, the youngest of which liked this man instantly. I bawled my eyes out like a silly school girl, at the station and even more on the train when we pulled away, and for quite some time afterwards. I explained to my daughters between my tears and gasps for breath, that I had loved that man so much and seeing him again reminded me what it was like to be in love because I had never been in love with their father. I think as girls it is something they need to know, not to settle for less than real love, but of course real devoted love from both sides. Also as my children, they needed to know that their mother was not only human, but a woman too, who has feelings and desires.



Now, I could not imagine starting a relationship with someone when my life is so chaotic and dysfunctional, but the need to be loved is there none the less. Sometimes you can't give your self to someone or the timing is wrong or the opportunity is just not there. Some people never find love and I find that heartbreaking. I think that damages people as much as being in bad relationships those.

Sometimes we just need a hug. A hug is such a wonderful thing! I like it that teenagers give each other hugs and that grown friends do too! I love a good strong hug that says "it is going to be ok". I have lost some of my natural hugging instincts because that is the damage bad relationships and being around closed in, negative people can do to you.



I need a hug. My son needs an outward hug. My daughters also like hugs. I think I will give them all a big hug tonight and remind us all that we may need many forms of love, but right now we are here to love each other.