Love, love and more love.

Not really focused on addiction today. Not really wanting to be logical or thought provoking about the way drugs and alcohol took over my family's life and all the repercussions of that. Nor do I want to intellectualise the possible reasons why my son or anyone becomes an addict. Tonight I just want to write. I want the cathartic process to help me purge my emotions and to allow the tears to flow smoothly and with purpose. I want to write about, love.

A range of loves have just came to my head as I write: parental, sibling, romantic, friendship, but also the love of self, the love of drugs and unhealthy love. I believe every human being is born needing to be loved and there is an abundance of research on how the lack of parental love in childhood has negative impact on cognitive, developmental, emotional and social/psychological growth. So from the beginning we need to feel the warmth and fulfilment love gives us the best start in life and if we don't we are more prone to having an onslaught of problems in life!



I have written in previous posts that al I wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mother and when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child my first reaction was pure joy. It was very unfortunate that the baby's father did not share in my joy and most of my pregnancy was spent arguing. Despite the negativity and arguments, I loved, I mean I really LOVED being pregnant and carry my baby within my womb. I talked to my unborn child and messaged it as it moved about and felt intense happiness within myself at the knowledge that I was indeed going to fulfil one of my most precious dreams of becoming a mother, and nothing, not even the baby's father would take that away from me. It seems, through people I have met and stories I have heard, that sometimes having one "good", loving parent is enough while the other parent may be absent or is emotionally inadequate. However it may not be the case if one parent is emotionally abusive, though I tried to love my children and nurture them and stimulate their development as much as I could, maybe the "energy" of the house as well as the negative behaviour from their father made it so my love was not enough.

My first child was an unplanned pregnancy and caused a lot of conflict in our relationship. We did stay together and tried to make things work. Our little boy could not have been more perfect. He was loving and kind and good natured. He suffered no terrible twos or tantrums. He always held my hand and was a joy to be with. When there were moments when he had to be disciplined, he stood in his time out corner and always listened carefully to my explanations why he was having a time out. He was so full of love and positive energy and lust for life that I felt that his loved deserved to be shared and that he and his sibling would benefit from sharing his love. I always wanted a big family, but I never thought that possible and did not want that with my husband, but I felt that having a little brother or sister would be wonderful for my loving boy.

Our second child was our only planned child. It took a while but we did get pregnant and funnily enough I can not remember the exact moment I discovered I was pregnant like I do with my first. Perhaps that is because the first pregnancy is such a  milestone or perhaps it is because the second pregnancy was somewhat clouded with worry when we discovered she had club feet and were told that that may be a sign of other developmental problems. Luckily there were no other genetic or developmental problems but it did make us worry.

Sibling love. It was there and it was good for a while, then as the years went on it changed and here we are now and those two have not spoken in 18 months now. I tried to love them both, both since I was the primary care giver to my son and the person he spent most of his time with, actually ALL of his time with, there was going to be some changes. Also with the added element of severe club feet to a new born, as well as regular physiotherapy and hospital appointments and surgeries, there was a lot of added stress.

                                    A picture from the internet which resembled our baby's feet.
                                                                                                                                                                           

So for whatever reasons (extra stress, tense relationship between parents, increased resentments, lack of attention) those early days have impacted on all of our relationships with each other; however, in the beginning despite difficulties there was love between brother and sister.

As far as the relationship now, well obviously living with a chaotic drug addict and having mom's attentions being fully consumed by the problems she faced, has taken there toll on the brother sister relationship. That as well as the early stresses and that dad was not a loving and affectionate and involved father have created a sibling relationship which now seems devoid of all love.

The bonds that my two older children have with the youngest seems different again and each seem to have more love for her, yet my son seems to be more interested in pursuing a friendship with her than my middle daughter does.

In http://www.education.com/reference/article/influences-sibling-relationships/ the author discuses a range of sibling issues as well as other relationships influencing sibling relationships, as well as only children. She says:  "In homes where fathers are affectionate and helpful there are more positive sibling interactions. On the other hand, conflict between mother and each child is associated with increased sibling conflict". She goes on to say: "Children's personalities, social and cognitive skills, self concepts, values and sense of self protection from the outside world are influenced by their sibling relationships". So this type of love is different from the love we get from our parents but is very influential in our development and creating how we understand love and relationships and the world to work.

I am a die hard romantic, I have written about my feelings of true love more than once, and believe that much of my inner conflicts and feels of self doubt are due to the fact that I have been unsuccessful in finding true love. True love, romantic love is a very big part of the culture we live it, It is very commercialised and engrained in us from the first fairy tales we hear as small children. We grow up feeling the need to find that one special person out there. We also grow up feeling that is we don't have such love in our live that we are failures. I sometimes go through moments where I feel I have failed myself and also my children by not being able to find true love, yet on a deeper level it is not as simple as failing to find something I want, it is an emptiness that is created by the biological and physical as well as spiritual need to give and receive love. Human beings need love. They flourish in a loving environment and in loving relationships. People are better people when they are loved, it is that simple. When we are not, than we become bitter, self absorbed, negative, self hating and we begin to languish.

                        


Friendship is a key factor to us as children, forming our identities and branching out into the world and leaving the close-knit unit of just our family that we had as infants, toddlers and young children. However, the role that friendship plays in our development in adolescents does not stop there. Friendship is vital to us as adults, especially if we come from less than loving families. Friendships offer us not only a special type of love but because we choose each other as friends, it is unique in its bond. We have similar interests and we like each other and we want to spend time together because friendship often give us a great deal of fun in our lives. On the other hand, we have all experienced the age old saying that you  know who your friends are when the chips are down! When life throws us conflict and struggle from all angles we need the support from friends especially if we are single, in a dysfunctional relationship. and/or have poor family ties.

I often turn to music for comfort and release and I find if we aren't singing about love, then we are singing about friends or if neither than we are singing about getting high or drunk!
There are so many songs about friendship! This song "Lean On Me" popped into my head last night after not hearing it for many years and the lyrics are very poignant:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Writer(s): Bill Withers
Copyright: Interior Music Corp. 

In times of sorrow, pain or when we are lost and confused, we need a friend to lean on. We need the support of our friends. Our friends will remind us that no matter what,  they will still be there and just as importantly, that a true friend will in turn be there for you despite their own problems. We do not need to feel weak or ashamed that we have "lost face" or are incapable of fixing our own problems, we are not in the least. I think that when we are "brave" enough to go to our friends with our demons then we are showing how much we love and respect our friends that we trust them. We are also opening ourselves to them and showing that we trust the friendship that we can put ourselves in a vulnerable position, "bearing our soul" if you like. I know we all have friends that serve a purpose, friends who are specific to certain situations, acquaintances etc, but while talking about friendship I refer to the real and true, tried and tested friendships that we may have, may only have one of, some of us may have had and lost or some of us are still hoping for. Our friends will not fix our problems, that is not what we want or need, sometimes we do not even ask for advise, we just want and need support, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or sometimes we just want to go to our friends and let lose and have a bit of fun so that we can feel rejuvenated and refreshed and energised so that we can face our problems as a stronger person. Friendship, reciprocal and supportive friendship is like gold to us. If you are lucky enough to find love AND friendship, then you have found the whole pot of gold!

                  

The irony of love is that sometimes we need to have experienced being loved in a healthy way in a healthy home to be able to find healthy love later in life , but people who grew up in loveless or dysfunctional homes and who need love most, do not have the skills to find or maintain healthy and loving relationships/friendships. That is when we often turn to "things" to make us "happy" or actually to make us forget that we are feeling unhappy and unloved. "Things" such as: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping (retail therapy), money and status, just about anything that makes us feel good temporarily. If we did not experience healthy love, we sometimes are attracted to people who are unhealthy for us, treating us in ways we should not be treated yet because it is a familiar feeling and it helps "prove" our self fulfilling prophesy that we are "unworthy" and do not deserve to find happiness. This is way so many people stay in co dependent relationships, do not seek help if they are suffering from a dysfunctional family relationship or allow people to use them as objects of ridicule rather than including them in peer groups, or to be controlled by others. I can understand when my son says he LOVES drugs because in fact since his childhood he has had very little successful relationships within the family and in school and in friendships and he has never experienced any form of romantic love. So if he takes opiates that give him that "warm, fuzzy hug from inside" then, yes, he would want that again and again. If he has many unpleasant and unhappy memories and taking dissociative and sedative drugs  help blur his reality and impair his memory, then yes, he will want to use them again. The longer he relies on substances, the harder he will be able to create happiness without them, for obvious social and psychological reasons, but also from a brain chemistry point of view because the opiate receptors will rewire his brain so that pleasure will be associated with opiates rather than other "happiness". It will be a long process for my son to find other forms of love, to believe in love, to rewire his pleasure and happiness receptors, to trust others and make himself vulnerable. The reward would be friendship, love and happiness,that is the ultimate goal.
                                                                                                                                                                                        

So the bottom line wont come as a surprise to anyone, we all NEED to be loved from infancy throughout our entire life. Though our needs change and the types of relationships that give us love change, we all ultimately function better and thrive when we are loved and can love in a healthy and open way. We do not need to fear what love and friendship offer us, because it does not make us weaker or insignificant or shamed. We can still be true to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves but gain support and energy and respite from turning to those we love in times of chaos and conflict.

It may sound simple, but like another great song says, "love is all you need " and everything else will fall into place!

                              
                            
                             

Breaking the Dysfunctional Family Cycle

As many who have read my past posts know, I am a divorced parent. A woman who lived in a relatively loveless marriage brought on by circumstances. Though we did have our moments when life seemed to be ok and even a little enjoyable, we had many more down times and as the years went on the bitterness and resentment  grew along with the level of dysfunction and emotional damage. As I have been dealing with the fallout of this "failed" marriage, I often think that I should have left years before because staying together for the kids or because you feel trapped or because the alternative seems to be worse doesn't work, and guess what? I think that children are extremely intuitive that they will sense a false marriage and be affected by that far more so than a "failed" marriage. They will not only grow up with a false reality that may make them question many things as adults, but they will also base their idea of relationships on a faulty and dysfunctional model, which will in turn make it more difficult to maintain healthy adult relationships in the future. As parents we think that our children will grow up in the false security of staying together for the kids type of marriage, and will be thankful and grateful when they are adults for sacrificing themselves for the children. Actually, that too is exactly the opposite type of role model we want for our children, someone who is false and untrue to themselves. In fact, I think that most children from such fake households will grow up and feel resentful at being lied to. 

           

                              

In this excerpt from http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/mar/30/divorce-children-parenting-conscious-uncoupling-gwyneth-paltrow-chris-martin   the author is correct in saying that "unhappy parents make for unhappy offspring" :  Dr Penelope Leach has been a passionate defender of babies and children since the 1970s. But she is no upholder of the idea that adults should stay together regardless of the measure of misery; unhappy parents make for unhappy offspring. "Divorce and separation is a safety valve for marriage and cohabitation," she tells me. "And society cannot do without one." So when the break occurs she advocates what she calls "mutual parenting". It doesn't have the slightly sexual, semi-spiritual, yogic-infused ring of "conscious decoupling" but it amounts to something similar, albeit with the celebrity varnish scraped away.

Another article in The Guardian, http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/24/divorce-bad-for-children-lets-not-fetishise-marriage-parents-children also states that parents who stayed together for the kids until they were a little older, actually did more harm to the children:  "Some of the most messed-up kids I have seen are precisely those of couples who waited until they went off to university to divorce. It meant that their entire childhood and adolescence had been a kind of lies."

I think I should have left my husband years before I did instead of remaining in the co dependant relationship and feeling as if I needed to be a martyr. If I had done so, I believe that our son would have been far less damaged and may not have had as much emotional pain that was one of the driving factors for his need to escape through drug use. My sister often says to me that if I did, I would not have had my other two children, who I could not imagine life without. However, I believe that I may have had more children with someone else after leaving and my children would not have been the same as the ones I have now, but I still would have had them. Not only is my son a drug addict but he is also very angry at me that I stayed with his father for so long. My son and my middle child both have very cynical views about relationships and neither say they ever want to have children (I know they are very young and their ideas may change as they grow). I also wonder how all the subtle messages that our children surely picked up on while my ex husband and I were together will affect their future relationships. My son has very skewed ideas of relationships i.e. you need a man of the house, children need strict discipline, men are aggressive, men make the decisions etc.. Though this was not what he necessarily saw while growing up, these are the unspoken ideas of his father and our son picked up on his father's true feelings.

My husband and I were very unhappy, but it was not a physically violent relationship and though he was very controlling and somewhat emotionally abusive to me, it was done in a very indirect way and his control was there without having to be "in your face". We did not yell and scream very often at each other, but the tension was always there and could be felt by others. My ex husband's actions and emotional numbness were also very powerful tools in his establishing power over us. He was very emotionally abusive to our son and those were the times when there was lots of shouting. When it came to our second child he wanted to destroy her wild spirit and lust for life by constantly telling her not to do the things she was doing and threatening her with punishments. My ex husband did not know how to communicate and would not be chatty with us, he reserved this for nights out with his male friends when his friendliness would come alive after a few drinks.

                                              

Our two older children have been very affected by the way they were raised in an unhappy marriage and most of the influences were due to subtle behaviours, unspoken words, decisions that were made, the lack of love and affection between their parents, tensions, frustrations, avoidance etc. It was not the stereotypically portrayed bad marriage, but it did consists of lies and guilt and feelings of obligations and sacrifices. All those unspoken feelings and emotions were picked up on fully by our little sponges, for that's what children are, sponges and intuitive sponges they are!

Some of these ideas I have that a FALSE marriage is much more detrimental to children are penned in the following article in a nice and concise manner:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/01/divorce-kids-_n_4862357.html

I can understand though how if the marriage is unhappy and false, with the idea of "staying together for the kids" but ALSO burdened with one partner having any mental, emotional or substance misuse issues, the guilt and the feelings of obligation to stay becomes so much stronger. My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abused as a child, My husband also had alcohol issues, I still believe him to be a "functioning" alcoholic. These elements create a profoundly strong co dependent relationship which makes it even more difficult to leave and clouds our judgement as to what is ultimately the best decision for the children.

                        

This link explains the "signs" of a co dependant marriage, and as co dependency is indeed a learnt behaviour, staying in a co dependant marriage has all the negative implication I have already discussed, but has the added ingredient of teaching your children to be in co dependant relationship! Who wants their kids to learn that? I don't and another reason why I wish I would have left earlier.

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Are-Codependent

We can not fix our partners, and I made the mistake of thinking I could fix my ex because I felt sorry for all he had been through and felt responsible to help him. Wake up, no one can do that!

Sometimes being true to our inner selves and recognising that bringing up children in a marriage devoid of love and passion and mutual respect will ultimately create more problems for them, is a very hard step to make. I think that it is because our society treats divorce in marriage, as divorce from the family. And though there are cases that once the couple is divorced, one parent becomes almost non existent in the children's lives, that is not what most parents want. This is because of the way we treat divorce and also because in trying to create stability in the child's life by keeping them with one parent while the other parent may have the children on the weekend or every other weekend. We should look at the option of shared custody more. The children would have regular contact and stability from BOTH parents and feel the love of both parents and be reassured that the marriage split was not because of the kids!

As this excerpt states:  "Research has determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children."

Taken from:  http://www.separateddads.co.uk/sharedcustodyofyourchildren.html

And this article is interesting on how shared custody benefits society on a more political and financial level:  https://www.opendemocracy.net/ourkingdom/michael-reed/why-does-no-one-talk-about-benefits-of-shared-custody

Joint custody seems to be the best option in which both parents still want to be involved with their children, of course when one parent is abusive or neglectful than that would not be in an option. It would also mean making changes and sacrifices in each parent's lives, but not at the negative cost as staying together, and rather would actually benefit the children most.

Well, all I know is that hindsight is always 20/20 and I can not do anything now except to be true to myself so that I influence my children in a way that will make them feel more able to be true to themselves in the future and hopefully stop the cycle of codependency and dysfunctional families!

                            

Compassion Fatigue

After my last post of post traumatic stress disorder, I started researching more. I came across this term used for professionals but it is something I felt I could definitely relate to, "Compassion Fatigue". It is a term giving to those professionals who suffer "emotional strain of exposure to working with those suffering from the consequences of a traumatic event".

According to Wikepedia it is described this way: "Compassion fatigue, also known as secondary traumatic stress (STS), is a condition characterized by a gradual lessening of compassion over time. It is common among individuals that work directly with trauma victims such as nurses, psychologists, and first responders. It was first diagnosed in nurses in the 1950s. Sufferers can exhibit several symptoms including hopelessness, a decrease in experiences of pleasure, constant stress and anxiety, sleeplessness or nightmares, and a pervasive negative attitude. This can have detrimental effects on individuals, both professionally and personally, including a decrease in productivity, the inability to focus, and the development of new feelings of incompetency and self-doubt.^[1]

Journalism analysts argue that the media has caused widespread compassion fatigue in society by saturating newspapers and news shows with often de contextualized images and stories of tragedy and suffering. This has caused the public to become cynical, or become resistant to helping people who are suffering"

                                       

It got me thinking about how this might also happen in families dealing with long term stress or illness or addiction. Though I have found a few articles about addiction practitioners and compassion fatigue, I have not been able to find many that speak of a similar sort of disorder or burnout amongst family members. I am thinking that if you live with an addict and especially if there are others in the family home, such as children, there is bound to be trauma and in my particular situation I was in essence my son's caregiver and I also watched the trauma his addiction had not only to himself, but also on my daughters.

I was and am the caregiver of my family, my children. For us in particular, our circumstances of being a lone parent with no extended family, I was the sole caregiver even when outside agencies tried to be involved, everything was on me. So when I read the symptoms of  Compassion Fatigue, of course I could relate and I would imagine that many people living with an addict can also identify with:

• Excessive blaming
• Bottled up emotions
• Isolation from others
• Receives an unusual amount of complaints from others
• Compulsive behaviours
• Poor self care
• Legal problems, indebtedness
• Recurrence of nightmares or flashbacks
• Chronic physical ailments such as stomach problems and recurrent colds
• Sadness or apathy and no longer finding pleasure in activities
• Difficulty concentrating
• Mentally and physically tired
• Preoccupied 
• In denial about problems 

These symptoms were taken from Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project http://www.compassionfatigue.org/pages/symptoms.html

I think that I could tick off most of those symptoms while my son lived here with me and his sisters in the family home, but there is still an element of it that I have not been able to move on from. Maybe it is because, even though the "stress" has been removed, the impact on us here and even the physical impact on the home itself, has not been fully recovered yet.

When I look at how to help yourself move forward from the effects of Compassion Fatigue, one of the most striking suggestions to me is "listen to others who are suffering". Perhaps this is the biggest tool we as humans have, to express and share our pain and experiences with others in order to not only gain insight for ourselves, but also to lessen the burden and most importantly to help others and give support, knowledge and understanding to others who may be feeling overwhelmed and isolated. This is when organisations with group support systems are very useful. If you do not have such support groups locally there are plenty on line support chat groups and even blogs and social media can help.

                                                 

As much as some might like to think that we are invisible or that we like living a life of solitude, the fact remains that part of being human is the need for other human interaction and companionship. We need to have validation from others. That is why our relationships are so important to us and when you live in a dysfunctional environment plagued by addiction it is very easy to lose sight of this and to become masters of illusion to everyone outside our home that everything is ok. We are sucked into the vortex of the disease, but we become so good at living double lives that we often believe everything to be fine and forget about our own needs.

Of course it has been several months that I am not the sole caregiver for my son, he is now his own caregiver, but that does not mean that you start feeling the benefits immediately even when the addict leaves your home. My son is still part of my life and I still witness the damage he is doing to himself even though on a far lesser scale now since I no longer witness it 24/7. I had to live with the fallout of the damage he helped create and also his addiction left us damaged. I do not think I am feeling all the symptoms of this so called compassion fatigue any longer, but I certainly think I did when my son lived at home.

Whether you are a professional or not, living with someone like an addict does take it's toll and we need to remember we are not to blame and that we deserve and need to look after ourselves as well! So as hard as it is people in the throes of trying to make their life seem normal and then dealing with all the manipulation and fear the addict puts on us, we have to try to find some way to help ourselves. Take time out for yourself, go for a walk, take a nap go to a support group, find something that works for you. I have learned that, and I have learned that we all deserve happiness and peace and that we can not control the addict we love and their choices; however,  we can make our own choices to live a happier and healthier life. It is not easy, that I know, after years of my son's growing addiction I finally made the choice that the rest of the family was suffering too much and I had to think of the future of my daughters. I made the choice to tell my son to move out, that was nearly 10 months ago, and we are still adjusting and dealing and suffering to some extent, but it is slowly getting better. I refuse to give up on him though, and I will try my best to maintain a healthier home while still supporting my son in any positive choices towards recovery that he may one day make on his own.

                                               

Trauma

My middle daughter has been suffering with stomachs and head aches and trouble falling asleep for a few years now, most probably brought on by the stresses at home with her brother. Though her brother has not lived at home now for 9 months and never comes to visit while my daughter is at home, she still suffers from these problems. Out of concern for her as well as validating to her that I am taking on board her complaints and not just brushing them off as "stress", we have seen the GP and have been referred to a paediatrician at the hospital. She had her appoint last week and the outcome was much as I suspected and much to her disappointment. The doctor's comments were mostly to do with her "low mood" and that since her complaints are general and vary from day to day that her tummy complaints are nothing "sinister". He referred to her "low mood" several times and told her to "relax".

                                            

How long after living with trauma for a young person in the midst of "normal" changes and stresses, take to recover? How, as her mother, can I facilitate her?

What is trauma and is that what she suffered during the difficult years she watched her brother abuse drugs, abuse me emotionally and financially, abuse her emotionally?

If I use the professional psychological definition of post traumatic stress disorder then I would say that my daughter has been and still is distressed from the trauma (i.e. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience).

PTSD, the professional definition is as follows (plese read the link):

https://www.estss.org/learn-about-trauma/dsm-iv-definition/

                                       

I think people associate PTSD or in fact the word trauma itself with some horrific and possible fatal event that a person has witnessed or lived through. In that case people may think that using the same terminology in association with emotionally distressing and ongoing experiences may be a bit melodramatic. I know that for myself I am guilty of such beliefs. I thought that it is ridiculous that my daughter may be experiencing such a disorder, but then I looked into the definition, symptoms as well as trying to think what her life as a young child through to early adolescence  was like. Then I realised that indeed, my daughter experienced a great deal to warrant such terms to describe her emotional state.

When you consider that the police had to be called out on a number of occasions for "domestic abuse", that there were "children in need" meetings done by social services; there were a number of different agencies working with us as a family, with my son, with my middle daughter and for me as well, there was a lot going on and there was serious behaviours that needed to be addressed. Looking back at the amount of verbal abusive and how many arguments went on into the wee hours of the morning and when there were no arguments at night upstairs we could hear my son tinkering in the back room with his chemicals, or just his general moving about and making noise when the rest of the world around in slept, no wonder my daughter developed sleeping issues.

                           
                                                 

I can continue looking back to see  how life at home with a drug addict. who was very aggressive one minute and other times would pass out in the middle of dinner, could be viewed as traumatic, especially for children. However, I do not need to look back, I need to look forward. I need to address how does she, and myself and also youngest daughter, come to terms with the past and deal with the issues so that life can continue in a healthier fashion moving towards emotional well being.

My flashbacks and memories of how things use to be are gradually fading. These do come flooding back when I am exposed to my son while intoxicated and then I do get extremely anxious with the heaviness in my chest from anxiety returning. My daughter will not talk to me about her feelings on the subject and is still very angry and when I do try to discuss it I only get her anger. I do not know how much the support worker she sees once a week manages to do because when I ask my daughter, she tells me that her sessions are suppose to be confidential and it would defeat the purpose of them if she told what is discussed!

 Maybe it is time that is needed, time heals most wounds, I do not believe that time heals all wounds though. With time and support and understanding, I hope my daughter will begin to move forward. My son does not understand why life with him was so chaotic and traumatic, but it was, it really was. This is why I have said before and will continue to say that we all carry our different emotional scars left by addiction and we all need to recover from our own pain and turn our negative behaviours into positive ones.  We all lived with the addiction and we must all try to live without it, it no longer defines us as a family, though it is still holding on strongly to my son. We all need to recover in our own ways, in our own time, and the hope is that one day we will all find the peace and understanding achieved through our insights and improved lives that we may function once more as a family, though I am aware that this may not be the case for a very long time.


                             

Here We Go Again

So as I am trying to stop the codependent and enabling behaviour patterns in my relationships (especially with my son) I get a phone call 3:20 Thursday afternoon. It is of course was my son, no one else calls me except bill collectors! My son had a small accident and was phoning me from the office of his supported housing complex. I need to take him to the doctor, now. Well my son often loses track of time and others people's reality, so he did not consider that it was just the time his youngest sister gets out of school. Also I had finally, made an appointment for my other daughter and I to go to the dentist and she was meeting us there at 4:00. My answer was no, I can not drop everything and take you to the doctor. What is the matter anyway?

                                       

As it turns out he was pushing back the lip of a nearly opened tin can of potatoes, when somehow he managed to cut his right hand on the palm just under the thumb. I still don't know how he cut it exactly, because you would have to slip or fall on the can to get such a cut! Apparently the staff cleaned it up for him and bandaged it, but it was bleeding a lot and he was told he needs to see a doctor (by the staff of his accommodation). Well as bad as I felt, I could not put my daughters on hold, again, because of their brother. I informed my son that I have a few things to do and once I have finished I will go and get him and take him to the doctor. What else could I do? I had no idea how bad the cut was, but he was not alone and he would be ok. I am terrible at making appointments and after months of my daughter asking for a dental appointment, she finally had one, and if I cancelled because I put my son as the higher priority, then who knows when I would make another appointment?

When we were finished and I took the girls home, I went to collect my son, who was by then back up in his flat resting and waiting for me. Well, that is not all he was doing, that was perfectly clear as soon as I had laid eyes on him. Even he knew what he looked like because as soon as I saw him he apologised for the way he looked. He was sky high on opium! The poor boy could not help himself, the pain of the cut was just too much to withstand, so he made himself a nice little cocktail with some poppy pods he still had laying around his flat! Man, it has been a while since I had seen him like that, heard him talking so much and with a different affect. I did not like it and I certainly did not miss it.

As we talked to the receptionist at the doctor's office, it became more and more embarrassing to hear him go on and on. The poor woman could not understanding everything, I wondered if she could tell if he was high or thought that maybe he is "challenged" in some way!


We got in to see the nurse, which was very lucky because it was near closing time! When she asked what happened, my son started to talk about how he made half a can of potatoes last night and saved the other can for tonight.....I interrupted him to say he only needs to tell her how he cut it. My son snapped at me and told me he will tell the nurse the way he wants to tell her! Fine. Well unfortunately the nurse could only do so much and she sent us to the hospital to get it either stitched or glued because the cut was too deep!

                                      

So here we were, yet another trip to the hospital! I was sad for my son, but I also did not want to be in his company because he was talking so much, thanks to the opium, and I do not like seeing him high. I was in fact feeling quite anxious and could feel the pressure building up in my chest. When we arrived at the hospital, I asked  how long of a wait there will be and they estimated 2 and 1/2 hours. By this time it was nearly 7 pm and my daughters had been home for hours with no dinner. I had no choice but to leave him there on his own. He was stunned. I told him that he can call me from the hospital phone when he is done and I will come get him and take him home.

As with other experiences when I have went out to help my son, when I return home it is business as usual and I assume the role of mother to my daughters as if I was living a double life. No questions or discussion about their brother, nothing. Straight into the kitchen and I began to cook. We ate, watched TV, got my youngest ready for bed as per usual. Then the call come, he was ready to go.

I tucked my little girl into bed, told her what a very good girl she is for going to bed while I go get her brother from hospital. I assured her that I will not be long and I will come in and check on her as soon as I come home.

I told my older daughter that I will be back soon, unless I run out of gas, and if I do I will call he. We had had a very poor week with hardly a penny to get by on. I had been driving below my empty line all week and I was crossing everything possible NOT to run out of gas on each and every journey I made!

As I drove up to the hospital emergency room I could see my son, waiting outside for me. He was still high, because the good doctors gave him some codeine, that on top of the poppies he took earlier was doing a nice job of keeping the buzz going.

After a few moments in the car and after telling me how they glued his cut and bandaged his hand he started asking me to take him to the little liqueur store he frequents were he can get some strong cider for cheap. I was adamant that I would not "help" him and that I was taking him home. He was high enough and he had court in the morning so he just needed to go home and get a good night sleep. He agreed with that statement. however, he started to go into detail of why he needs the drink and that it was not for now, it was for tomorrow and that he can't help himself, he NEEDS it. I still would not take him to the store he wanted to go to and I continued driving him home.

                                        


What happened next was just unbelievable! As I made it clear that I was not stopping for drink, he opened the car door and put his feet out as if he wanted to stop my car Fred Flinstone style! All that was needed was some smoke coming off his shoes! I tried to stop but it was too late.  He jumped out of my moving car and thank goodness there were no other cars around or I would hate to think what might have happened. My son shouted that he was sorry but he NEEDS to do this! I shouted back at him, "That's it" I am finished with you! I will not come to court, I will not call, I am finished!"

I could not believe this was happening. Even worse is that I did not believe that my son "needed" the drink because he had opium, pills at home, pills from the ER, and who knows what else, so why did he need ONE can of cider??? It made no sense.

I came home, checked on my daughter, my other daughter commented on how quick that was, and I said, "Yes, because your brother jumped out of the car before I had a chance to take him home!" She was surprised and asked me to clarify that, but then that was it, no more discussion.

Then I sat with my laptop in the living room and watched a bit of TV with my daughter as if it were just any other evening, I heard some strange noises from the front of the house. I was afraid and did not know what to expect. When the noise settled down a bit I went to see the front door and saw that there was a note pushed through the letter box!
                             
                                       

The note was hardly legible. Basically it was an apology with lots of "I am sorry"'s and "I love you"'s and "you don't understand, I had to do it".  There was also the plead not to stop loving him and not to stop being there for him! I felt incredibly sad, and I am not proud to admit it, but I did not call him to tell him I loved him too.

I went to bed sad. Sad that I felt I had to keep to my promise that I was not going to have contact with my son after such behaviour. I felt sad that my double life at home does not allow me to talk openly about my fears, but then again it would not be appropriate to talk to children about the issues I face with my son. I felt sad that I was so alone in all this chaos and that my son would be just as alone in his chaos if I severed ties. I felt sad because I wished I could reach out to the only person I can openly discuss my life with, but then realised that we were not really friends any more and contact was becoming less and less frequent. I wanted to cry, instead I closed my eyes and escaped...until morning would wake me.

Peace, Love & Happiness, Despite Temporary Depression

After writing my last post, I started to think about my readers who do not know me. I may seem depressed, and on some level I am. Funny thing is that I am not a negative or depressive person by nature. I am quite the contrary. Maybe it is not true depression, maybe what I suffer from is just an over sensitive and romantic nature? My longings are always apparent to me, especially since I have not succeeded in creating the life I have desired.

                                 

People say, "be positive and have good energy and that is what you will attract back into your life". I do not necessarily believe that, because I am also quite a loving person who finds so much beauty and goodness in the world. I have a lust for life that shines through. I spend much of my ordinary days smiling and laughing, though at a drop of a hat, if something hits an emotional cord, I will cry.

I suppose I struggle with that belief that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. All that business that you get from life what you put out. Because that is no different than what I have been struggling with, a concept that seems so child like, "good things should happen to good people, and bad people will get what they deserve". That is not what really happens and this is what creates the conflict and thus sadness inside me. This is not the way it works, at all!

                                         

Maybe it comes from the lack of religious beliefs, because those who have faith ultimately find comfort in that the "good" people will go to the promised land, and those who have been "bad" will pay the ultimate penalty when they go in front of their maker. Simplistically put, I know, but I do not want to get  deep into religion here. I am not an atheist, I am spiritual to an extent, and I think there are things we do not fully understand or are aware of. However, I also think that we should be rewarded for our efforts here on earth while we are living our lives, our reward should be to create a good life and to do exactly what people say, "get the good back that we have put out there". My life, the life of my mother, my son and others, do not show me that that is the truth. This causes me great disappointment and confusion, which makes my very sensitive soul cry out.

This is also what hurts me so much about my son's attraction to the drugs he took/takes because a lot of his pain stems from the same sort of ideas. He is hiding from the same conflicts that I struggle to understand and I deliberately analyse: the harsh reality and unfairness of why so much crap happens to people who are trying to live a good and honest life! He could not find any answers, and the more he thought about it the more he blamed himself, but still also blamed others and his pain and lack of understanding was too much for his sensitive and just soul to comprehend, so he needs to numb his thoughts, dull his pain and hide from his own inner conflicts through self medication.

                                       

This is a form of depression of course, but it is not the clinical/organic type of depression that people suffer from even though they have no apparent "reason" to be depressed. It is not the severe depression in which you no longer find any joy in anything. I suppose it is a form of situational depression which has also become a pattern of behaviour. My depression only lasts temporarily while I deal with too many thoughts after certain situations. It is a bit of a roller coaster, but not a manic depressive state. The situation does not have to be significant or profound, but if something triggers within me this need to analyse why life is crap when I have been nothing but good, then yes, I get down and I cry and I over think everything!

I remember bringing up my children when they were very little. I would clap and cheer with delight when they succeeded in anything they tried to do, how ever big or small that was, even if they built a tower of three blocks! I would stop and smell flowers, and we would pick up snails we found on the pavements and we would rescue snails from unseeing feet which may step on them! We went to playgrounds, we fed the animals in the city farms, we painted and read and cooked and baked and cleaned together. Everything was made to be fun and enjoyable. I always praised them. I loved to sing silly made up sons and dance and laugh. I encouraged friendships with other children and made sure I always had a report with teachers. I kissed them and loved them and told them how much they mean to mean.

                                    

Yet, my children are not self confident. My children are not overly happy, well the two older ones, the younger one is still quite a happy spirit. My two older children are also very sensitive and deep thinking. They are also both cynical and they do not share my my belief that the world and most people are generally good.

To a mother who adored her children and believed motherhood was the most special thing to ever happen in my life, I would have thought that those wonderful and pure and positive energies would transcend into my children. Can you imagine my inner conflict and sorrow when I discovered that my son was sad and insecure and started taking tablets he found to make him "feel" better? The defeat I felt when these negative feelings grew along side his drug taking. Not only that, but then after all that and witnessing how strong my love for my children is, how much ALL my children mean to me and showing how I would never give up on them because my love is so strong and I believe love can conquer all....my daughter gets depressed and starts self harming and even starts to think about taking her own life.

All this on my shoulders, while their father, the man who continually insulted and belittled our son from the age of 5 to the age of 12 (when we split up), who was selfish and emotionally absent, insulting, intimidating, verbally aggressive, avoids all responsibility and continues living his life on his terms without any remorse. In our children's eyes, no matter how hurt they were by their father, they have witnessed for themselves that the "bad" one keeps living, he has a good job,  having enough money to travel regularly, to always be in new expensive shoes and clothes and go out with his friends, to continue to drink, to get a girlfriend, live in a nicer neighbourhood than we do and all the while never helps them or gets "bothered". While on the other hand they also see how the "good" one suffers, lives almost on poverty level with bailiffs and bill collectors constantly hassling her, the worry, the stress, the responsibility, the tears,  they are hers as well as the solitude and alienation and loneliness. How is this teaching them that the world is fair and if you  put positive energy out there you get it back and that if you are a negative son of a bitch, you will attract negativity in the world??? How???

                                     

My son is convinced that everyone is a piece of shit in this world and that everyone is out for themselves and no one would genuinely wants to help or sacrifice for another, especially for him. I have faith that this is all a façade and that deep inside he believes the opposite, however it is still too painful to think anything other than negative thoughts towards humanity, because this way he can not be disappointed again, he can not be hurt and let down, they way his father did.

Drugs help him hide. I can not hide, so I get down and struggle to deal with my complex emotions. However, I do not bury my faith in humanity as deeply as my son. While I may complain and bitch about the shit and the shitty people in my life, I still believe people to be good by nature, but society and relationships sometimes screw us up so much that we forget how to be ourselves and how to be kind. Most of my friends, or so called friends, do not intentionally hurt me, they are more than likely oblivious to it. Who am I to tell them that they are falling short sometimes? If someone really does something wrong or unforgivable or completely disrespectful, I will tell them or completely shut them out. I care for the people in my life, all on different levels. Some I do not care for that much on a strictly personal or spiritual/emotional level, but as a human being I do care what happens to them and wish them nothing but the best. Some people, do hurt me, that is usually because I feel love for them more than they love me and I am still searching for someone to really love me, to notice when I am not around, to miss me, to fight for me, to bend over backwards to make make me smile when I am down. Those people in my life who fall short of that, despite my love for them, well I may get hurt and sad and disappointed, but at the end of the day it does not make them a bad person. I will never give up on people!

                         "....our  unhappiness and our strangeness, our anxieties
                          and compulsions, those least fashionable aspects of our
                          personalities, are quite often what lead us to do rather interesting 
                         things."  Ron Ronson, The Psychopath Test


Sometimes I envy those who put all their faith into their God, and are comforted in the knowledge that everyone will have to answer for their behaviour when they stand before God; however, I do not have that belief and I do not want to offend anyone with my honesty, I do though have faith in humanity even though my faith in humanity is tested repeatedly. I also believe in the power of love and I have not given up on my son nor my daughter and I have to believe that my love will one day succeed in making them believe in themselves. I believe that love is powerful and I do love a few people and even if I do not get the love I feel I deserve  returned to me, I have to keep believing and hoping that one day, someone will be free enough to love me.

So though I am displeased with life as we live it at the moment and though I may have seemed severely depressed in my last post, I wanted to amend my last post by clarifying that it is a temporary state of mind and it is situational. I still believe in life, love and beauty! Peace to you all and thank you!


                                 
                                         

I Love You Too,

Well this post will not be my usual style. It will be shorter first of all, and it wont really be contemplative.

I wanted to share with you all the lovely txt messages from my son today.

To set up the scenario, I am broke! I gave my son some money which I did out of guilt and excessive annoyance from him. I knew the money would go on drink. He promised me that on Wednesday he would give me £10.

Her we are, it is Wednesday. I txted him, no response. I called him and he began to explain that he may be able to meet me and give me the £10 after he does what he needs to do and if there is enough money left. I told him I gave him that money out of duress even though I knew I was not in a position to and now my youngest daughter, his little sister, is hungry and I have nothing.

I eventually had to hang up on him, because I can not take his disrespect! He was saying things like, "If you keep talking in that tone than I wont want to give you the money", "I need to do some business first then I will be able to see you and I don't want to give you money but I will". This is what followed:

                      

TXT 1:

"I was going to say that if I can't get on the computer at the library to order my benzos, then I wont be able to start saving money. I'll go into town later, do my business, then give the £10 to you."

I told him not to bother.

TXT 2:

"I didn't say I didn't want to give you money, I said I don't like giving money to someone who is being derogatory towards me; I am perfectly happy giving, if I can, and the person is polite. Because you're my mum and helped me a couple of days ago, and in the past, I have to, and I will, today, pay you back; I just don't like doing it when you're being like you're being. May I remind you how you ruined my life and killed everything I loved? Most people would disown you."

I did not respond.

TXT 3:

"It is your fault I got arrested. Your fault I am on probation. Your fault I'm living somewhere where I don't want to live. Your fault I have to pay the court. Your fault all my things were destroyed. Your fault I can never do chemistry again without arrest and prison almost a certainty. Your fault I have to drink to get by even though I hate the stuff. Your fault I can't even be in my own home. You ruined everything because you did not listen to me. I should hate you, I suppose I do in a way, for what you did; everyone I've told the lot to, say they'd never talk to you again. You're the lucky one, and should be grateful that I haven't washed my hands of you and never talked to you again. In my opinion you have far more obligation now, because of what happened; it will tarnish my reputation etc for the rest of my life, all because you couldn't wait 2 months (my son always said he would get rid of the chemicals etc but I got tired of the empty promises)! I may have been nasty, but I never did anything like that."

I did not respond.

TXT 4:

"I don't have to give you a penny if I don't want to! What you did to me is worth far more than the few thousand I stole and 'borrowed'.  What you did is forever!"

Again I did not bother to answer.

TXT 5:

"Oh, and what do I get? £35 a week. How much do you get again...?! You have enough. I struggle buying the cheapest things, picking coins from the street and pulling food and drink out of the bins so I don't go hungry/thirsty. I'd like to see you do the same; then sleeping on a park bench in the rain, still not having a penny in your pocket! It's a wonderful life you've made for me! And you wouldn't be able to handle one night of it!
Thanks-Love you too!"

I have not responded to that one either.

So this leaves me with of course the initial reactions of anger and of intense emotional pain and hurt. However, now I see how much he is transferring onto me, because the reality and all the guilt he can not deal with. I also see some learned behaviour, especially in the last txt, it sounds so much like his father. Most of all though, I can now see beyond my broken heart and say to you, this is what addiction can do to a person. This is not the real son I know and love. This is what my son has become as a result of  his addiction and desire to be in the state of mind he wants to be in while on drugs, that is his one and only guiding force at the moment. The addiction as well as to some extent his current behaviour, stems from deep seated issues of resentment, rejection and possibly guilt. His issues are ones that started as a young boy and he has not been able to grow into a man because of these issues and the detrimental affects the drugs have had on his emotional development.

It is sad, very, very sad. It is also sad that there are so many people who are hurt and misunderstood who suffer. Worst off are the people who helped create these individuals, who fed their insecurities, low self worth and added to their need to self medicate and also made those individuals feel unloved and refuse to help them because of their addictions....these people go unnoticed. The addicts are seen, but made to feel as "bad people". It is all screwed up and I wish I could start a revolution to help change society's way to treat addiction, but more importantly I wish I could teach people that they must ALL accept responsibility for themselves and what they have done, I am trying to, but I am also trying to keep focused and not get caught up in guilty trips that make me feel EVERYTHING is my responsibility and I am to blame for EVERYTHING.

I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING IS NOT MY FAULT. I DID MY BEST AND I DID A LOT OF GOOD.

I must repeat that to myself many, many times today!