Simple Victories

Yesterday was a good day for my son and so today I will try to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives which is all too easy to do when living with addiction, mental illness and dysfunction.

One of the consequences of both my son's addiction and mental disorientation and anxiety has been the poor management of his limited funds, resulting in escalating bank charges. We all know what a vicious circle this can be: not enough money in the bank, unintentionally being overdrawn, results in bank charges, resulting in less money and so on and so on. This had become so bad for my son that he was being charged £58 a month from the bank and his incoming is only £72 fortnightly. The longer this went on, the more stress and anxiety it created. The initial discussion with the bank did not go well and more confusion and lost letters and hiding from the problem continued. The levels of anxiety were so bad that it created panic attacks and in fact some of my son's delusions during his psychotic episode were around money and banks calling the police on him.

                                            

Since becoming more lucid it is obvious that the two man fears of my son is his poverty and fear of the bank as well as his housing situation and fear of homelessness. It is something we have discussed with the staff at the mental health unit he is in and they have offered to write letters explaining his vulnerability and poor mental health if needed.

On a few occasions when I have taken my son out for a few hours we had planned to go into town and his flat and try to deal with some issues, but it always created such fear, anxiety and anger within him that we could not continue. Yesterday was a different story though. Together we went into the bank and my son said he only wants to go in and tell the bank he has lost his new bank card but still has his old bank card and would like to know if his old one is still active and also what is his balance. Upon investigation it was discovered that my son only ever had one bank card and never received a second one and that the one he has in indeed active and always has been. This confused my son, but I was secretly thinking, this is actually a good thing because it does illustrate his blurred reality. He was happy he had a card that worked and was all set to say thank you and good bye when I spoke up that there is one more thing they could help us with!

I told the woman who was helping us about the bank charges and my son's ongoing problem with managing his money and that he is not in education or employment, lives in supported housing and has mental health issues which has ended him up in our local mental health hospital which he is still in and if there is something that can be done to stop further charges and possibly come to an arrangement where we can pay off the charges in smaller increments rather than taking it all and living him without enough left over. She was very sympathetic and said she would go see if one of their advisors could speak to us. I knew that if we went into the bank with the plan to do this my son would become too anxious and when faced with it in front of others "on the spot" so to speak, it would be easier for him to manage.

We spoke to a lovely and understanding young man, and reading in between the lines of his comments, he has had his own personal experience with mental health issues and straight away got busy on his computer and told us he would explain everything when he finished. While working on my son's account we chatted a little and he was telling my son that his mental well being is priority for him and he does not need to be stressing about bank charges, I was hopeful that he would be able to help but was not expecting the end result when he finished! My son and I were blown away when he explained to us that there was £57 of charges being taken from his account today but he stopped that. If that were not enough he refunded the last two months of charges so in total he refunded £171 into my son's account! He also made a note in his diary to check my son's account weekly to make sure that no more charges are taken and that he stays in credit. He gave my son his direct number and name and told him to call or pop in whenever need be. Most importantly he continued to reassure my son that his emotional well being was paramount and that hopefully without this added worry hanging over his head he can focus more on his recovery. My son was so grateful, I have not seem him smile so big and so genuinely in a very long time! My son shook his hand and told this lovely man, "Thank you. I mean thank you, I am not thanking the bank, I am thanking you!". That made us all smile.

                                  

Earlier that day I encouraged my son to ask staff if he can see the worker from One Support (a floating support service offering help with housing, preventing homelessness and trying to increase life skills). My son said he did not have an appointment, and since this person only comes onto the ward once a week (Wednesdays) he probably couldn't talk to him and he just wants to go out. I gently persisted that he just ask and if he was indeed fully booked, he could ask to see him next week. My son gave me the classic, "yeah, yeah, ok" response. I was not convinced that he would.

As agreed I went to pick him up after lunch and when I got there I was told he will be a while because he was speaking to Brian from One Support. Great! Of course I will wait, well done I thought! So I was kept entertained by one of the other patients having almost the exact conversation I have with her all the time! The conversation usually revolves around cigarettes and will I buy her some. My son came out and we said our hellos and goodbyes and left. Once in the car he told me that Brian had phoned the manager at the supported housing in which my son is being evicted from and put some difficult questions unto the manager! Good, glad to hear it! Brian will also see if he can get a referral made to another supported housing which offers help to people with mental health issues, which is actually very near to my home. Again, good, glad to hear that as well! Brian also told my son not to worry because eviction generally takes 4 weeks and it will go to court and the court may indeed over rule the eviction giving the circumstances and that my son was not actually breaking any rules of his tenancy! Exactly, glad to hear someone is actually up to speed on things and offering my son some support. Let us hope that he gets a place in this housing scheme which offers a  higher level of support and that the eviction does not go forward or get accepted so that my son does not have on his permanent record with the council that he has been evicted from a housing project.

All in all a good day really. Small victories in some ways, but very big ones in other ways.

                        

And for me, well I still feel like I have contributed to having messed up kids with big problems to deal with and we have to deal with them alone (again something I am responsible for) but at the end of the day, I can not change that now. I have tried and failed over and over and over again to help my children and provide for them a happy existence. I have failed myself in providing the lifestyle that I would have liked and have failed to provide a loving and nurturing family that consists of more than just one very over wrought mother. And I have failed in realising my dreams and finding love and friendship with someone who will be there for me when I need them to be. But then sometimes I feel the joy of a small victory! Sometimes I am awestruck by people's random acts of kindness! Sometimes I have a moment in which I do feel loved. And sometimes thanks largely to these other small and infrequent moments, I become more hopeful in the future and believe, even if just briefly, that things will indeed work out for us. I must remember the good times with special friends and of course my children, because there have been good times and I have spent time with good people. Everyone has their battles and as I believe and always have, we have to be there for others while they are suffering even if we are  suffering in our own battles. We can not become consumed in only our problems, we are always capable of giving, that is part of the beauty of being human!

                          

Hospital, Again.

Well, as they saying goes, "You never know what the day has in store for you". I received a phone call yesterday from the probation officer that my son has had a seizure while at his appointment and since I am his next of kin, they have a duty of care to call me and ask if my son could be released into my care. How horrible for a mother to have to explain why her ill son can not come to his family home to be looked after by his mom. I did try my best to briefly explain why I could not be the responsible person and I would prefer him to be taken to the hospital instead.

                                   

I was on my way out to town when the call came, I was going to buy some things with my youngest daughter for school as the new term starts tomorrow. So I did a quick run to the shop and dropped the shopping home and was on my way to the hospital.  I had to leave my girls waiting patiently for 3 hours at home while I went to face whatever was waiting for me at the hospital.

 As I sat in the emergency room waiting area, I started to wonder how long this was going to go on for. I could not help but enter the darkness within me which holds on to the fear that one day I will receive a phone call with the ultimate bad news, "we did all we could, we are sorry, but your son could not be revived". One day when I pick up the phone without fear but with frustration and annoyance of  "now what", I may be in for the shock of my life. I hope this will not be the case, ever.

As it turns out my son was honest with the doctor about his drug and alcohol usage; however, the tests showed that it was not a "seizure" it was not drug or alcohol related but it could have been something that looked like a seizure due to low blood sugar! I then asked if there needs to be further tests done to fully determine what had happened. Doctors are just so amusing! I was told that his GP will be sent a report and as one doctor to another he can not tell his GP what to do, so it will be entirely up to the GP what he wants to do next, and so my son was free to go!

That was not as meaningful to me as much as the 2-3 hours I spent with my son. He confirmed that not much has changed for him and he sees no solution whatsoever to his lifestyle. He talked to me about all the "stuff" that is in his head that he does not like and does not want to deal with. He told me that dulling his head and just lulling through the days is the only way he can live. He does not want to be clean and deal and feel all the emotional and complex issues within his mind and spirit. My son also spoke about how displeased he is about his body and all it's problems and that he can never have girlfriend because how could anyone ever love him, if he does not love himself. We spoke about his other anxieties and how he feels inadequate and how he has such an empty life that he could not be able to go clean and face all his issues because it would be too hard, too painful and take too long. He even said that even though he feels like this and that he often wishes he would cease to exist, he does not feel suicidal at all. I get it. I know what he feels, to a certain extent, and I have always thought that these are the reasons he has turned to drugs, and remained on drugs. I still believe with all my heart that things will never move on for my son until he finds some inner strength to face his demons, his insecurities and fears and where they stem from and all the rest of the "stuff" in his head. How though, do you begin this journey when you have developed a way of living that negates doing that? A lifestyle that makes you believe that without the crutch you can not go on, let alone deal with such emotional pain?!

                              
                                   

The last time he was in the hospital I learned that his "friends" shot him up a few times. Now I have learned that my son tried to shoot up himself, missed the vein and created a swelled arm filled with etizalam fluid https://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showwiki.php?title=Etizolam! I have also learned how my son is ok with shooting up this stuff in the muscle! I always feared that he would start shooting up, and I hope that this is a brief stage of further experimentation. I know he hates needles and did not like the experience, but the need for the drug often outweighs any discomfort the process of shooting up brings! !

So, as I was just starting to accept the reality of life, I get a little nudge that you really do not know what tomorrow brings. I will accept my reality and make the most of what I have today and who is in my life at the moment and realise that sometimes you just have to be happy in the moment!

As always, life goes on, we cling on to the hope that tomorrow will be better, we try to think of ways of moving forward and creating a better tomorrow, but we must also not lose sight that those tomorrows may not happen so we must strive to find beauty and happiness and love in each day we are here!

                               

Peace, Love & Happiness, Despite Temporary Depression

After writing my last post, I started to think about my readers who do not know me. I may seem depressed, and on some level I am. Funny thing is that I am not a negative or depressive person by nature. I am quite the contrary. Maybe it is not true depression, maybe what I suffer from is just an over sensitive and romantic nature? My longings are always apparent to me, especially since I have not succeeded in creating the life I have desired.

                                 

People say, "be positive and have good energy and that is what you will attract back into your life". I do not necessarily believe that, because I am also quite a loving person who finds so much beauty and goodness in the world. I have a lust for life that shines through. I spend much of my ordinary days smiling and laughing, though at a drop of a hat, if something hits an emotional cord, I will cry.

I suppose I struggle with that belief that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. All that business that you get from life what you put out. Because that is no different than what I have been struggling with, a concept that seems so child like, "good things should happen to good people, and bad people will get what they deserve". That is not what really happens and this is what creates the conflict and thus sadness inside me. This is not the way it works, at all!

                                         

Maybe it comes from the lack of religious beliefs, because those who have faith ultimately find comfort in that the "good" people will go to the promised land, and those who have been "bad" will pay the ultimate penalty when they go in front of their maker. Simplistically put, I know, but I do not want to get  deep into religion here. I am not an atheist, I am spiritual to an extent, and I think there are things we do not fully understand or are aware of. However, I also think that we should be rewarded for our efforts here on earth while we are living our lives, our reward should be to create a good life and to do exactly what people say, "get the good back that we have put out there". My life, the life of my mother, my son and others, do not show me that that is the truth. This causes me great disappointment and confusion, which makes my very sensitive soul cry out.

This is also what hurts me so much about my son's attraction to the drugs he took/takes because a lot of his pain stems from the same sort of ideas. He is hiding from the same conflicts that I struggle to understand and I deliberately analyse: the harsh reality and unfairness of why so much crap happens to people who are trying to live a good and honest life! He could not find any answers, and the more he thought about it the more he blamed himself, but still also blamed others and his pain and lack of understanding was too much for his sensitive and just soul to comprehend, so he needs to numb his thoughts, dull his pain and hide from his own inner conflicts through self medication.

                                       

This is a form of depression of course, but it is not the clinical/organic type of depression that people suffer from even though they have no apparent "reason" to be depressed. It is not the severe depression in which you no longer find any joy in anything. I suppose it is a form of situational depression which has also become a pattern of behaviour. My depression only lasts temporarily while I deal with too many thoughts after certain situations. It is a bit of a roller coaster, but not a manic depressive state. The situation does not have to be significant or profound, but if something triggers within me this need to analyse why life is crap when I have been nothing but good, then yes, I get down and I cry and I over think everything!

I remember bringing up my children when they were very little. I would clap and cheer with delight when they succeeded in anything they tried to do, how ever big or small that was, even if they built a tower of three blocks! I would stop and smell flowers, and we would pick up snails we found on the pavements and we would rescue snails from unseeing feet which may step on them! We went to playgrounds, we fed the animals in the city farms, we painted and read and cooked and baked and cleaned together. Everything was made to be fun and enjoyable. I always praised them. I loved to sing silly made up sons and dance and laugh. I encouraged friendships with other children and made sure I always had a report with teachers. I kissed them and loved them and told them how much they mean to mean.

                                    

Yet, my children are not self confident. My children are not overly happy, well the two older ones, the younger one is still quite a happy spirit. My two older children are also very sensitive and deep thinking. They are also both cynical and they do not share my my belief that the world and most people are generally good.

To a mother who adored her children and believed motherhood was the most special thing to ever happen in my life, I would have thought that those wonderful and pure and positive energies would transcend into my children. Can you imagine my inner conflict and sorrow when I discovered that my son was sad and insecure and started taking tablets he found to make him "feel" better? The defeat I felt when these negative feelings grew along side his drug taking. Not only that, but then after all that and witnessing how strong my love for my children is, how much ALL my children mean to me and showing how I would never give up on them because my love is so strong and I believe love can conquer all....my daughter gets depressed and starts self harming and even starts to think about taking her own life.

All this on my shoulders, while their father, the man who continually insulted and belittled our son from the age of 5 to the age of 12 (when we split up), who was selfish and emotionally absent, insulting, intimidating, verbally aggressive, avoids all responsibility and continues living his life on his terms without any remorse. In our children's eyes, no matter how hurt they were by their father, they have witnessed for themselves that the "bad" one keeps living, he has a good job,  having enough money to travel regularly, to always be in new expensive shoes and clothes and go out with his friends, to continue to drink, to get a girlfriend, live in a nicer neighbourhood than we do and all the while never helps them or gets "bothered". While on the other hand they also see how the "good" one suffers, lives almost on poverty level with bailiffs and bill collectors constantly hassling her, the worry, the stress, the responsibility, the tears,  they are hers as well as the solitude and alienation and loneliness. How is this teaching them that the world is fair and if you  put positive energy out there you get it back and that if you are a negative son of a bitch, you will attract negativity in the world??? How???

                                     

My son is convinced that everyone is a piece of shit in this world and that everyone is out for themselves and no one would genuinely wants to help or sacrifice for another, especially for him. I have faith that this is all a façade and that deep inside he believes the opposite, however it is still too painful to think anything other than negative thoughts towards humanity, because this way he can not be disappointed again, he can not be hurt and let down, they way his father did.

Drugs help him hide. I can not hide, so I get down and struggle to deal with my complex emotions. However, I do not bury my faith in humanity as deeply as my son. While I may complain and bitch about the shit and the shitty people in my life, I still believe people to be good by nature, but society and relationships sometimes screw us up so much that we forget how to be ourselves and how to be kind. Most of my friends, or so called friends, do not intentionally hurt me, they are more than likely oblivious to it. Who am I to tell them that they are falling short sometimes? If someone really does something wrong or unforgivable or completely disrespectful, I will tell them or completely shut them out. I care for the people in my life, all on different levels. Some I do not care for that much on a strictly personal or spiritual/emotional level, but as a human being I do care what happens to them and wish them nothing but the best. Some people, do hurt me, that is usually because I feel love for them more than they love me and I am still searching for someone to really love me, to notice when I am not around, to miss me, to fight for me, to bend over backwards to make make me smile when I am down. Those people in my life who fall short of that, despite my love for them, well I may get hurt and sad and disappointed, but at the end of the day it does not make them a bad person. I will never give up on people!

                         "....our  unhappiness and our strangeness, our anxieties
                          and compulsions, those least fashionable aspects of our
                          personalities, are quite often what lead us to do rather interesting 
                         things."  Ron Ronson, The Psychopath Test


Sometimes I envy those who put all their faith into their God, and are comforted in the knowledge that everyone will have to answer for their behaviour when they stand before God; however, I do not have that belief and I do not want to offend anyone with my honesty, I do though have faith in humanity even though my faith in humanity is tested repeatedly. I also believe in the power of love and I have not given up on my son nor my daughter and I have to believe that my love will one day succeed in making them believe in themselves. I believe that love is powerful and I do love a few people and even if I do not get the love I feel I deserve  returned to me, I have to keep believing and hoping that one day, someone will be free enough to love me.

So though I am displeased with life as we live it at the moment and though I may have seemed severely depressed in my last post, I wanted to amend my last post by clarifying that it is a temporary state of mind and it is situational. I still believe in life, love and beauty! Peace to you all and thank you!


                                 
                                         

Being a Parent

Feeling the need to vent and talk about parenting.

As you know if you have read my posts before,  my ex husband and father of all my three children, is not a very devoted father, to say the least.  Unfortunately parenting can be a risk taking venture as many of us do not know what kind of a parent we will be until we are one. Sometimes we do not have much in the way of a parental instinct when it comes to children and then we hope,  as if by magic, when we become a parent we will go through a "change" and our wonderful parenting instincts will be "switched" on. Other times we have analysed our own upbringing so much and vow not to make the same mistakes and be more like the parents we wished we had, yet sometimes all those good intentions are some how lost when we are parents and we unconsciously keep repeating the bad parenting patterns we had to suffer as children.  Sometimes we assume that becoming a parent will help a relationship or bring us much happiness in our otherwise unhappy lives. We may even think that we want children more than anything and when it becomes a reality, we find out that somehow we were wrong and we just do not have the "knack" for being parents. Others accept their responsibilities of being a parent, receive their children's unconditional love with an open heart and tap into their primitive instincts that we now have a young child who needs our protection and caring more than anything else, and try our damnedest to be the best parent we can be.



Though I have been trying very hard to "let go" of the negative feelings that I still have towards my ex husband, I have somehow, inadvertently, fed my children (especially my our) false hope about their father. I still mention to my son that he has a father as well and he should ask him for help at times too. Not intentionally realising until now that all I have been doing is setting him up for disappointment. The last time I mentioned such an idea to my son, I heard his reply with clarity and knew I needed to stop. When I said, "....he is your parent too" my son replied, "Well, yes and no. He is because he is genetically my father, but he is not a parent." End of discussion and those words  cut through my illusions that someday being a father will "change" this man and he will in fact start having fatherly feelings and following through on them. The next few reminders of that have just highlighted it more to me.

I have been trying to help my son by taking him grocery shopping as regularly as I can, not a full big shop, but enough to know he is eating. I have been doing this while his benefit money from the government stopped and he was waiting for a new claim and I knew he had no money. I would also try to get him a bite to eat whenever I could, even if it was just from the local chip shop. So one afternoon while on the phone to my son, he asked if I can call him back because his father was there putting together a small dresser for him, I was pleased and impressed by this sudden change. The next time I was with my son and we were in the store buying him some bits and pieces, I reverted back to my old tactics and made the comment that I am very low on money and have other kids too to take care of and maybe his father could help him out sometimes. I then asked him about the other day, asking if after they put together the drawers if his dad took him out for a bite to eat. Nope. Oh, well did he get you some shopping? Nope. I was doing it again and I did not want to! Then my son says, "Oh yeah, he did bring me some stuff". Oh ok, I asked what kind of stuff. Now brace yourselves for the answer! "Oh Dad brought me some out of date food he said he found". WHAT? Found? Found where? In the street? "No, he said he found them in the back of his cupboards". Well I was shocked but had to keep asking! What kind of food, I wanted to know and how out of date and did my son actually eat them? OK, so this next remark made me feel so sad and so disgusted at this man who obviously is little more than his genetic father...."It's ok, it didn't all taste bad". I then held my tongue and said no more!

                                               

Next time we spoke my son said he also got some old spices that his father was clearing out! I asked myself, what is this guy up to? Is he moving house or something and getting rid off his junk by giving them to his son? Even our son thought it a bit odd because he does not see his father as the type to merely be doing a spring cleaning. More to the point though is that regardless why he is clearing out old stuff, do not give that to your child! Go to the supermarket and buy him some inexpensive, but fresh food!

I heard my son's words echoing in my head, "He is and he isn't....his is not a parent".

                        

The next time I was reminded of the truth of my son's statement was after his sisters saw their father a few days ago, not having seen them since January! It was the usual set up, movie and a quick lunch, a 3 hour visit more or less as always. The girls would walk down to the corner and there they would meet their dad and come home the same way. When they returned they had a bag of stuff with them. They were not sure what was inside. We all sat down on the floor and tipped out the bag. Two small Easter eggs, OK, yes it is Easter soon. The rest, well we were all dumbfounded about. A little money bag full of used hair clips, an old die, a couple of school whistles, a couple of white board pens thrown in, an old bubbles with half missing, some dried out paint.....Ok...well most of it when to the garbage. What was that about?

The icing on my slice of reality was when I asked my older daughter if she spoke to her father about her upcoming exchange visit. I asked because, one I had sent him a txt and two because I ask her to! My txt was simple, reminding him of her upcoming exchange and if there is anything he can do to support her in her exchange. Now you need to realise that we will be housing a German girl for 10 days in our home, feeding her 3 meals a day, making sure she has a comfortable room to sleep in, entertaining her over a 3 day day weekend, as well as paying for her travel to and from school while here. Then in May our children will go to Germany and stay in their partner's home with the same care given. The cost of the trip is over £300, but of course that does not cover the additional cost of extra outgoings to feed and entertain them. Also before our children go, especially true for my daughter, she will need some new clothes as here she wears a school uniform and does not have that much in the way of casual clothes which she will need there. I think it would be fair to say then that the entire cost is more like £600. The school expects 3 payments to cover the cost of travel, however I was unable to do that financially but really wanted my daughter to go. I spoke to the school and we agreed to monthly payments over a 6 month period, which I am now one month behind.

I was bemused when my daughter told me that her father did give her a contribution to help with her exchange, he gave her £20! I had no choice but to laugh! WOW, £20! Nice one, that may buy them a fast food lunch on the weekend! I never know when to leave bad enough alone, so I asked, "Well then, did your father at least offer to take you guys out somewhere on one of the days over the long weekend?". Stupid question! Stop hoping and waiting for this man to somehow turn into a parent!

So, I know that all these kids have is me. I need to be strong and clever and somehow manage it all. Actually, I guess I have been doing that for a long time already,  so I just have to keep it up!

I hope that my son will learn to get rid of his sorrows by being let down by his dad and then he can start to tackle the problem of how his addiction stemmed from trying to fill a void and ease the sadness. I hope for all my children to be able to one day live full and meaningful lives with love and friendship and that the lack of their father's support will not be a painful part of who they have become. Do not let that make them who they are, let them find so much goodness in life that it is not an issue, and I must learn to do the same. In the meantime I am trying to be the best parent and person that I can be.


         

Solutions in Spring

Spring has sprung and there needs to be a shift in my way of thinking. At the moment I have to learn to be less analytical about why things have happened the way they have and why the universe keeps testing me with one difficult challenge after the other. I have to let go a little and start thinking of more practical ways to move forward. I need to become, as my Family Solutions worker highlighted, more solution focused.

                            
So while I may still feel flat and stuck and overwhelmed and sad about what has happened and what life has given me, which makes looking forward and dealing with things in the here and now rather difficult, I will start tackling real problems with real solutions.

My son has a drug problem. End of story for the moment. I do not know why it happened or how it happened but I know I did not make that choice for him to seek comfort from drugs. I did not neglect him or mistreat him in any way. I was a good mother and still am and I am not to blame. I am not responsible for the affect other people in my son's life had on his emotional well being, I tried to compensate with my love but that is not always enough. I am still here for him now and always will be. I support him as much as I can and he is still a very important part of my life though he has not lived at home for over 3 months and he is not really a part of his sisters lives. My solution is to continue to support him, offer him practical help and encourage him to seek treatment. At the end of the day he must find his own solutions on how he will move forward and if and when he wants treatment or change.

Not much has changed inside our home in the last three months mostly because of my feelings of being stuck and also financial restraints. Emotionally I have struggled the most in regard to my son's room. Not only was it left in  a HUGE mess and very chaotic, but it was full of memories (good and bad). I felt a sense of disrespect to my son if I was the one who sorted out his things, and I felt an even bigger sense of betrayal if I would change his room from his room into anything but his room. I can feel his anger and disapproval and rejection. Yet I know very well that it is my house,  I make the decisions and I do not need to discuss my plans for a room in my house with him. Therefore I have finally made plans to redecorate it into a spare room, and if the time would ever come, my son would be more than welcome to stay in it. We will move our second T.V. from the playroom into there and store a lot of our books there, freeing up space in other rooms. It will be a space that anyone in the family can use as well as always being there for guests. I have chosen the sofa bed, and the décor. I have discussed removing the old furniture and Thursday it will be taken to the dump. So now I am packing and organising things and feeling more positive about this solution and that I have finally made the decision to do what I want and most importantly, to remove triggers of the unpleasant years without removing the memories.

                      

Broken doors and holes in the walls are also triggers, as well as left over equipment and paraphernalia...all reminds us what life was like, who seemed to be in charge and all the things we didn't like about my son as an addict. Even the garden if full of reminders as well as evidence that once a much loved part of my life had been neglected for years due to the lack of interest and motivation to keep things looking nice when our lives seemed to be crumbling from within.

Solutions: replace broken doors, hire someone to start making some headway with the garden, create spare room, pack away all reminders and dispose of anything I feel is unacceptable to keep. Already, I have cleared away all the equipment my son had in the utility room and threw away a lot of the mess that was left behind. All the spaces of our house that was significant in my son's life with drugs has been severely neglected. I have now created a clean, fresh and open spaced utility room, with house plants and flowers replacing the beakers and vices and tubes. A friend who is a professional gardener has agreed to do some work for me and she has already started and it makes such a difference in creating a positive energy and motivation. My Family Solution worker is coming Thursday to help me clear away some of my son's furniture and we will go to the dump together. So not only have some solutions been decided on, work to see those solutions come to fruition as already begun! And do you know what? It feels good!

                                 
 
I may not be financial secure and I may be alone as far as being a single mother with absolutely no family near me which has created a HUGE sense of responsibility falling ALL on me, but that doesn't mean that solutions can't be found and REALISED! I will bite the bullet and do what needs to be done even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable and intimidates me. I will do it because in so doing I will empower myself and I will feel more confidant and secure in myself. I will start reclaiming control and making life more as I would like it to be despite all the things in my life I dislike.

It is spring, new beginnings, rebirth and hope for the future. I embrace spring and all that it represents. I will actively change my focus and though remaining loyal to my son and wanting nothing more than his recovery, I will not let that overshadow everything else. I will try now to create a balance and no longer feel guilty that while my son is suffering my daughters and I can still create a happy life. Maybe if my daughters and I move on and create a life worth living my son will follow and do the same!

                     

The Good and The Bad of It

Well, court hearing was a formality I guess and nothing more as it was referred to Crown Court. More waiting and then more worrying closer to the time. We will have to wait until June 9th and I have been told not to expect a resolution then , as the case will probably be "sent away for reports", meaning that my son will be assessed by parole officers and drug rehabilitation workers etc and their reports will go back to court.



I was pleased when our first hearing last Friday was to be heard at Magistrates Court since that is usually for lesser offences and lesser punishments; however, now we are going to Crown and there are two ways to look at it. First we can worry that the prosecution is playing up the seriousness of the case, the amount of time and money that was put into the investigation and therefore  the punishment should be severe, or we can view it in a way that since the Crown Court is where very serious crimes are heard i.e. murders, rapes, assaults, burglary etc, perhaps the judge will view this clearly as a less serious case and treat it as such.

For those who may not be familiar with the differences between the two types of courts, here is a link explaining about Crown Court:

http://www.judiciary.gov.uk/you-and-the-judiciary/going-to-court/crown-court

To explain more about the magistrates here is another link that might be helpful:

http://www.judiciary.gov.uk/you-and-the-judiciary/going-to-court/magistrates-court

There is little point in worrying about the differences between the courts, as it has been decided and so be it, Crown Crown it will be! My hope is still for the best possible outcome for my son, but now I also hope that I will not be called upon as a witness! In case some of you have not been following my blog that long, this all has to do with an incident in which I took a variety of chemicals to a drug clinic on the understanding that they would dispose of it safely for me. Things did not go according to plan and in the end there was a huge news item about a "chemical leak" and possible "drug manufacturing". Our home was over taken by police and we had to evacuate for two days while my son was in police custody. There  was indeed a large amount of chemicals removed from my home as well as drugs which resulted in the recent 9 charges brought against my son.

I wrote about it all in these blog entries:

http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2013_10_01_archive.html

And also here:

http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/drug-crime-is-drama.html

Hopefully now everyone is up to speed and has a better understanding what all the fuss with the police and courts is all about.

We seem to be attracting interest from the press again, in the run up to the court hearing it was mentioned in the local news, radio, bbc teletxt, etc. While in court the press from our local paper was there and in fact even attempted to get a photo after we exited the court and after his failed attempt, the reporter followed my son and I around until we got to the town centre and lost him! I hope and pray that he did fail in getting a photograph of my son, because it will only serve as a trigger for more anxiety and anger from my son. I do not think he has realised that his name and where he now lives has already been publicised on the internet news! I have never revealed my son's name in my blog and the previous news items were always regarding a young teenage man...now it takes on a different atmosphere that will be too close for comfort for my son's liking!

Moving on though to some more positive aspects of the day.

Considering the early time we had to be in court (9:00 a.m.), I was pleased that my son was awake and managed to get nicely dressed in his shirt, tie and blazer along with the new trousers and shoes I had bought him earlier in the week, Though he was gently drinking his cider in the morning to calm his nerves, he did not get intoxicated nor did he take any drugs. We got to the court on time and there was no fuss from him at all, no irritability or lashing out. He listened and spoke to the solicitor and when it was time to stand up in front of the court, he was clear and articulate.

After he calmed down regarding the reporter outside, we spent the rest of the day together (about 6 hours including the court). We walked around, we looked in shops, I bought him his favourite Nando's chicken for lunch, took him to his flat to change and took him back into town. My son was not argumentative or defensive at all during the entire course of the day. Despite that we started off the day not knowing what the day will hold, it turned out to be some nice time spent together.



As a side not I will mention that his father did not turn up at court, though he had told our son earlier in the week that he would "try". He did phone later in the day and during the conversation asked our son, "Do you see much of your mother?"
How absurd! How does that man think our son with no money for a bus and a horrible track record of walking up on time and attending appointments on time, fathom that he would make it to the court on his own by 9 a.m.? I was glad to hear that my son said, "yes, she is here with me now". Later that day, and subsequently the next day as well, my son told me that if it were not for me he would have no one who would help him. What a sad realization for our son that his father never returned the police officer's phone calls during the original arrest and that he did not turn up to court either and when I suggest asking his father for help he says he knows he wont. However, it is also a very positive realization for my son that there is someone who will always be there for him and I hope that one day he will also understand why I made the decisions I did.

As my family may be slightly broken and our lives still not quite as we may like it, but at least I am teaching my children what it means to be a parent, what it means not to give up, what it means to believe tomorrow will be better and that there is always hope. My daughter may not have any desire to see her brother at the moment and indeed she thinks that will never change, but I hope that she is seeing that I am still trying to help him because I know he is worth it, as a mother who loves and believes in ALL her children. Hopefully she will also see that I made some decisions with her best interest at heart and that even now I respect her feelings even if it may make me sad. I hope all my children see how much we have all been through and we are still basically O.K., and despite all our struggles and all the heart ache and without any family besides us, we are not only surviving, we are thriving in some respects. My son is standing on his own two feet and he did not crumble. It has been three months since he is no longer at home and he has seen his circumstances change dramatically and often. Yet he is doing just fine even though he is facing so many difficult situations because of his addiction. We may not all be gathering around the family dinner table every Sunday, but my son and I do speak nearly every day and see each other quite regularly. My daughters are getting happier and more relaxed. My older daughter is excelling academically and her parent's evening was enough to make me cry with pride when I heard all the remarkable statements made by her teachers. (None of whom have any idea to the challenges she has faced at home). My youngest is always happy and a pure joy. I have trained to be a mentor and have also started my Facebook page for families of addiction, I will be speaking about my blog to a support group and I am growing as a writer through this blog. There have been some positive movement forward despite all the struggles and complexities and obstacles and having all the responsibilities on my shoulders alone.

                         

I am sure there will be many more hard times and difficult moments to get through and my son may go further downhill before he starts climbing up again. My family and home and troubles will still be here tomorrow but so is my love and my strength and my desire to make things better and my hope in a bright future for us all. I hope all of you can hold on and believe in your brighter future too!

Positive and Grateful

OK, well life is hard, that we know. Life is challenging, oh yes it is! There are obstacles and barriers and sometimes everything seems to go wrong and nothing seems to go right. Some of us are in such a state very briefly in our lives and then we are back on track. For others, and yes myself included, it seems to be an ongoing struggle with one hardship after another.

                           

Today I am thinking, enough with the problems, they are still there and they will be there tomorrow, but for now, enough already.

Let's focus on what is good and what is working and what is right. We all have things that we can be happy and grateful about, I am sure of it. Sometimes we have to look very hard before we see what is right before our eyes. I want everyone to think of three things they are grateful for, even if they are amidst ongoing issues and a slaughter of problems and turmoil.

My youngest daughter and I have been keeping a "Grateful Book" since mid January. Some nights I struggle to find three things that I am grateful for because it is more challenging to try to think of different reasons and not just put down the same stuff over and over again. My older daughter tried once and quickly gave up. According to her it made her more depressed to be faced with the challenge because it made her painfully aware that there was in fact nothing for her to be grateful for. Well, I am delighted that after a conversation with me and her her counsellor she is willing to have a go at writing downs things she is grateful for.

                                                        

What am I grateful for? Well my list is varied and sometimes simplistic and sometimes more complex. Sometimes I am grateful that I provided a good meal for my daughters and myself. Sometimes I am grateful for things that give me joy in my life, such as music, food, friends, my sister, warmth etc. Sometimes I think I am grateful to have this blog (11, 480 views thank you everyone who is reading), I am grateful I am still sane and appreciate my ability to laugh, I am glad my son is alive, I am glad I am managing to maintain my health and that we have a home to live in with running water, heating and electricity. Of course I am grateful to be alive, but sometimes that is too much of a cliché because lets admit it, sometimes in our darkest days we are not actually grateful for that. I even come up with things like,  "I am grateful for my body and that I have all its parts and I can move with ease". There are things to be grateful for, yes there are, no matter how little or silly or superficial they may seem, we are definitely grateful for so many things and we must not loose sight of that.

Addiction is a horrendous disease that like no other disease, the person who is sick does not often want to be helped. Any other disease and we are running to the doctor and asking for help, for tests, for medication etc. I am suffering because my son is sick and his disease has left it's mark on the family. No one can give me a pill to cure it. No can can wave a magic wand and fix it all. As far as I know, no one has a time machine so that I can go back into time and change things for the better. What I can do is to stay positive and refocus my energies on making life better while realising that every day of my life has had an element of good in it.

So my son is not here living the life that I, as his mother, believe he should be living. That does not change the fact that I was and still am a very good mother. I gave so much love and nurture and good times to my son, and I know it is still inside him, somewhere.

I may not be living in the lap of luxury and instead experiencing great financial strains and worries, but I have never been homeless and I have always been able to feed my children and keep them safe and warm.

I may have had a very unhappy marriage and one that we probably both regret and, if honest, we would both admit that it was something that "just happened" and not as a result of a great love for each; however,  I know that at times in my life I have been loved and I have experienced love and passion, even if very briefly.

I may not have travelled as much and given my children all the holidays that I would have liked, but we do have some fantastic memories of some very good holidays and have been fortunate to see some beautiful places in the world.

I may not have created a successful career but I know that I am educated and have a good mind and a caring heart. I believe that I can turn this nightmare into a positive learning experience and reach out to others and offer support and empathy to other families out there who are torn apart from addiction. Also, I am sure that there is someone out there that will eventual be able to help my son when my son is ready..

I am VERY grateful for all of you who read my blog and comment and share your stories. I try to respond to all of you, but I am sometimes unable to as quickly as I would like. My blog means a lot to me not only because it is very cathartic for me and helps me express my situation and feelings in a safe environment, but it also gives me satisfaction that I believe it is doing some good. Also, as I have mentioned recently I started a Facebook Page offering support for families of addiction, and in just 3 weeks it has received 275 "likes". I am struck by how so many people need this support and really hope I can make a difference.

Thank you and remember to be grateful for something every day!


                      

Mixed Up Emotions

Coping with my son being homeless and still using is actually less difficult than I imagined. That is not to say I do not worry or I am not sad, but it is no more or less the same amount of worry and sadness I had for years while he lived at home and used drugs.

I feel an emptiness at home. Before, while he was still here, we had all the stress and drama, but I missed my son very much then. I say I missed him while he was here with me in the family home because then it was a constant reminder to me that I no longer have my son or my so called normal family. Every time he would be high or coming down or aggressive or passed out, I was sad and missed my boy, because the person I was living with was not the kind and loving son I once had and knew that I could still have. Oh how I missed him, though I could see him before my eyes every single day!

                                

Now I no longer miss the son I use to have because when he is not around I am not being constantly reminded how my true son is lost inside the addict. Now I am feeling the emptiness in my home, though it is not exactly the same feeling as missing someone. It feels strange to know that when I go to sleep at night no one else is still up or downstairs. Therefore the house seems bleaker in a way, almost scary at first. I say scary because now if I here a noise at night, I can not ignore it and go back to sleep in the comfort of knowing that it is my son who is downstairs watching tv. When I come home and my daughters are still at school, it is strange to know that I am the only one here.

                              

Some days I worry why he has not contacted me, but then when he does I am quickly annoyed and disappointed in the nature of our conversation so feel the urge to just hang up. Other days I forget to call him and when night rolls around a sudden feeling of guilt overcomes me that how on earth could I have not been thinking about my homeless drug addict son today!?

There was also this enormous fear within me that if I ever allowed my son to be homeless that he would crumble and succumb to depression and heavier drug use and even possibly suicide. I was very wrong in that fear and he seems to be managing very well. I have written before how this is almost a disappointment to me, yet it is not to say that I want my son to be wondering the streets depressed looking for a better fix and possibly ending his life! NEVER! My disappointment is rather that before those things would happen my son would be overwhelmed with fear of the undesirable elements that being homeless could bring, that he would then "wake up" feeling remorse perhaps, feel the need for sobriety, and seek out help. The fact that he is coping well being homeless is good in the fact that it shows me he is emotionally stronger than probably both of use thought, as well as resourceful. These are very positive indications. I worry that the negative indications to his being so well adapted to homelessness may be that he enjoys the freedom which enables him to continue living a lifestyle of drugs, denial and lack of responsibility.

A pleasant surprise to all of this is that I am aware that I am actually accepting that I have done much good for my son, and though we all make our own mistakes, I am really not responsible for his drug addiction. I am not responsible for his drug manufacturing arrest. I am not responsible for him ultimately becoming homeless. I have tried my best to raise him for nearly 19 years, providing him with love, nurture and support, even during the last 6 years of his ever increasing drug habit. Despite what my son and my ex husband tell me, it is NOT my fault! I am actually starting to really "get" that and believe it!

                          

Perhaps it was foolish of me or just naively hopeful, but I had hoped that once my son was no longer in the family home, and especially once the holidays were over, I would feel new motivation to clean up the house as well as our lives. I envisioned myself with a burst of new found energy and determination to make this the home it once was, and bring back some normalcy of routine to my daughters. Unfortunately this has not been the case. Although I am feeling more and more aware that I really am not the cause of all this, and I no longer have to be the kicking post for my son's rage and anger, I find myself still lacking in energy and motivation.

So many emotions and varying states of mind, some expected, some not so expected, which illustrate just what a very long journey we have been on and still have before us. I am holding on the the mental picture I have of my family being whole again one day. A family no longer torn apart by addiction. A family which has overcome so much emotional, physical and situational hardships yet still worked through the issues and found new healthier relationships within the family at the end. I see happy faces and new additions to my family in the future. I see my children as three happy, well functioning. emotionally strong and healthy young adults one day! This vision is what keeps me here!

                    

Is Life Fair

This post has nothing to do with my son, or addiction, or drugs.

This post is only about me trying to figure me out.

What shapes our lives and makes us into the type of person we grow up into being. Is it genetics, upbringing, destiny or a mixture of it all? Actually, I am wondering why do our a adult lives turn out the way it does.

                                 

Sometimes, more often then we think, we comment on how lucky a person is or what a lucky couple they are. Is it just luck? Sometimes we look at a person and think (rightly or wrongly) that they are where they are today because of their looks, their money, they relationships they had etc. Other times a person seems to have it all merely because they were born into a wealthy and prestigious family, many generations creating privilege. Sometimes these people have the world handed to them on a silver platter, yet whether they are happy or not is another matter.

There are of course people who we admire and know how hard they have worked and overcome to be where they are. They have studied hard, worked long hours, put up with difficulties and made sacrifices to be where they are and enjoying the fruits of their labour.

I am sure everyone has either known. heard of, or seen a couple who are so obviously in love with each other and truly happy, that we know it is true and could not be a charade. On the other side of that coin we have also all known and seen couples who are so unbearable unhappy, dysfunctional and sometimes even abusive, yet that is the relationship they remain in for the majority of their adult life, denying them love and happiness.

              

We have also known people, or maybe even feel like this ourselves, who seem to have rotten luck, trying hard yet everything seems to go wrong and they never succeed. Good people, kind people, smart people who for what ever reason never seem to get it right but not from lack of trying.

Then there are the lucky ones who always seem to be in the right place at the right time, everything falling into place and good things happening and sometimes to not very deserving people.

Does anyone out there think about these things and get bogged down with the unfairness of life sometimes? Does anyone get to the point where they just think, "why, why, why?" to the point of tears? I think of how I have overcome obstacles and survived difficult times and I am proud of that, because I know no matter what I am a survivor. The thing is, I don't want to go through life just surviving it. I want to succeed and achieve and LIVE! I try and try yet every step forward seems to take me back two steps. Everything seems so hard. That I could almost bear, but it is the things I can never have or that I missed out on, yet others seems to be so ignorant in the fact that they "have" it and it seems to be no significance to them.

This is not self pity, it is not jealousy. It is not bitterness. If you would spend time with me, you would know how much I love to be around people. I am loving and kind and giving. I welcome you into my home and cook for you and enjoy feeding you. I laugh, I act silly and goofy. I turn the music up loud and sing badly. I dream of better days. I do the right thing. I have studied and learned, and still desire to learn more. I believe everyone has that one special love out there that they are meant to be with. I believe in romance and magic. I believe the world is beautiful, both in natural beauty and wildlife, as well as art and architecture. Travel is exciting and enlightening. Passion is inside me and I love "love". I believe in family and will always fight tooth and nail for them, as I have done in the past. I will give you life and watch you die, the people I love so much, and cry tears of both happiness and grief.

                       

Those few how know me really well know that I have suffered. I have been ill since childhood. I have lost those closest to me. I have never been successful in work or with money. I am often penalized for my honesty and trying to do the right thing. I had many love affairs but was never wined and dined and treated like I was their love. I have never had anyone chase after me or fight for me. I have never been proposed to, had an engagement ring or an actual wedding ring, in fact no man has ever bought me jewelry or much in the way of gifts. I have not had a "real" wedding. I have cared for people and went through hell for them. I have went without. I have done crazy things, like spend every penny, sell jewelry, have unpaid bills just so I could travel and have a holiday with my children so that I can show them how magnificent this world is.

Through all this, things have never been easy and what I consider to be "normal" pleasures in life have either eluded me or been a struggle and not lasted long. There always seem to be many problems, yet little solutions. Even simple problems are never easy for me to fix.

I have almost given up in ever having so much of the ease, happiness, love and work that I want. I will not give up though, and if anything else I will get pleasure vicariously through my children if they succeed with building a most wonderful life that they are grateful for.

I still wonder if it is something in my psychological make up, am I somehow damaged and unable to create the happiness I long for? Is it all about energy? Even though I still love life, am I somehow putting out negative energy and therefore attracting negative energy? Is it something from a past life I am working through? Is it that God only gives us as much as He knows we can take, and though we may be suffering we will be rewarded in heaven? Is it all just luck? So many different theories, I do not know what I really think or believe. I just know that I want more yet I get little, that sound selfish, but it is not meant to be!

                     
 
So everyone who grows up at some point learns the lesson that life is not fair. So I was just wondering why this lesson is still so hard to believe for me? Am I being too simplistic and naive to believe that good things should happen to good people? Oh well, the hopeful romantic in me still believes in magic and that one day things will change, not just for me, but for all of you out there who feel the same,

             

Trying to Repair Relationships

One of the aims of the BRICK project meetings I attend (http://www.eypdas.org.uk/about-eypdas/our-services-for-children,-young-people-and-families/the-brick-project.aspx) is to try to give tips in communicating with our teen who is suffering from drug addiction and tips on regaining the lost relationship. Sometimes we need to try to repair these relationships while in the process of recovery, or even before, but of course this is very hard to do.

                                      

My worker at Open Road (http://openroad.org.uk/) asked me if I ever thought about getting a pet as it would do so much for my daughters emotional well being. Pets are indeed a wonderful source of comfort and affection, as well as newness and excitement.I have indeed thought about getting a pet since my ex husband left, but the timing was never right.

                                           


Both of these factors have played a part in trying to mend relationships in our family this week.

A very simple suggestion from the ladies in BRICK, was to play a game that are just questions that they lamented and gave to us. Questions such as:  "If I had one wish it would be..."; "If I could change one thing about myself it would be...; "One of the worst things that ever happened to me was..."

An interesting thing happens when I go to these meetings. The first couple of times I went, I came home to the usual scene of my son shut away in his room and my daughters in the living room. The last few times now, I have come home to all three of my children sitting calmly together in the living room watching tv together. They have started asking questions about how it was and what I did in the meeting. So last Wednesday when I came home, I told them we played a game, which we did. I said that we could play the game too because I was given a copy of the cards.  So surprisingly, they all agreed, even my son. I thought we would all get only 2 cards each and be done, but we went on and in the end we all ended up asking about 8-10 questions. My son and older daughter, who usually have a great deal of friction between them, actually asked each other questions in a very civil manner. All seemed to enjoy it and no one said anything that could have been hurtful though since some of the questions could have provoked quite intense answers.

                                            


The following evening after dinner, my older daughter asked if we could play again, and we all did. Though it wasn't quite the same energy as the evening before, everyone, including my son, participated and no one took it as an opportunity to push buttons. So quite a positive exchange twice in the week! Promising in some respects.

Recently I have tried to find us a pet, a puppy. Two very firm opportunities both fell through so we were so upset. My support worker was so kind,  as well as fate being kind, found us a kitten. A wonderful little cat, free of charge! And much to my surprise it was ready to leave her mother this week.

So this weekend was focused on our newest member of our family, Shadow! Our 8 week old black and white kitten!

                                           

Upon our arrival home from collecting our kitty the jealousies and competition for kitty's attention began, There was a lot of hurt feelings and a bit of selfishness if I am honest. Everyone wanted Shadow to have their undivided attention. I was wondering if this would prove to be a mistake.

Then a few hours later the amazing happened. We decided that our new kitty would do best in the upstairs bathroom overnight, with it's cardboard box bed, pillow, toys, food, drink and litter box. So there we were, ALL of us, sitting around the bathroom floor watching intently if the kitten, "will relieve himself in the litter box?".  As we watched the cat became lively and wanted to play. So here is where it got interesting. All of my children were playing with the kitten, openly laughing and taking turns and thoroughly enjoying themselves without any thought of who said what before or who has had more turns playing.

                                 

I am not saying the weekend turned out perfect, or that we have come to a milestone, but we have made a few little steps in trying to repair our broken relationships. After trying to remember the past week and posting my last post earlier today, I realised that there have been some very nice moments shared this week. I wanted to share these little sweet moments with you,

Trying to "Get through"

Today I am not pondering love or the genetic factors in addiction. Today I am thinking about yesterday. Yesterday I was just trying to have a civil, adult conversation with my son before he started consuming various substances which makes rational conversation more difficult.

I was trying to ask him what it will take to make him finally have that moment of clarity that things need to change. He insists nothing will make that happen. Surely there must be something that scares him enough to think if that would ever happen than he would know enough is enough. I am asking too much I guess because he is of the mindset still that if he stays in the comfort of his home, hiding from reality, taking his drugs, eventually it will all go away.



So much seems to be happening, from my point of view, yet nothing has seemed to cause a reaction that results in a change in behaviour from my son.

Random recall now makes me remember yesterday as the clearest. The psychiatric nurse from the early intervention in psychosis team came by yesterday and talked to my son for about 2 hours. While discussing my son's "issues" with drugs and behaviour and the ramifications of his actions and the implications it has on the family all my son could say in a casual way was that "all this is an over reaction to someone who just wants to take drugs". My son expressed his resentment that he feels he is being forced into doing things that he does not want to do. The nurse then asked my son if that means he feels "manipulated" by others and that he feels powerless about it. My son agreed that that is how he feels. When the nurse then pointed out how the substances that my son is taking is in fact also manipulating him and making him react in ways that are untrue to him and that those chemical reactions are out of his control, my son did not have an answer. What he did say though was that drugs give him a sense of well being and a sense of self and without them that well being would be taking away. Most people work toward a sense of well being through work, relationships, security etc and with drugs that is like "cheating", he is getting the reward without the work or effort but that reward is getting smaller because the drugs do not give him as much as he would like as well as the added pressures now on him from outside factors to give up that reward system.

The outcome from the visit was that EIP (Early Intervention in Psychosis) is not a service that can offer my son any support because he is not displaying any psychotic symptoms and the key issue is his drug taking. Of course he can experience some disjointed thinking and his brain patterns have been altered which affects his thoughts and behaviours, but it is not psychosis. He will write the necessary professionals but he will be discharged from that service.

Yet reading the information on this link, http://www.nepft.nhs.uk/for-families-and-friends/ it states that:

 Mental illness can cover a range of conditions including depression, anxiety, stress, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, phobia, addiction, eating disorder, self-harm and personality disorder to name a few.

Yet, if you are not presenting with psychotic symptoms they apparently are not the correct service for you. How about the addiction, depression, anxiety, stress and possible personality disorder?

Of course the psych nurse tried to put the emphasis on how life will not improve while he takes the drugs, and that he is too intelligent to believe that the drugs are improving his life. He also tried to reiterate that his sisters are a concern and that agencies are involved. My son did not seem convinced, he seemed indifferent.

Speaking of agencies involved, we have had our third Social Services " Child in Need" meeting. I have expressed my opinion more than once regarding the so called "help" that Social Services has offered us. I feel that our new Social Worker is not much of an improvement from the last, however, he seems to be taking matters more seriously, which may at first seem like a good thing, but in fact may prove to make all this a very serious matter indeed.



In our meeting it was understood that things need to change drastically. We will be discharged from Social Services when the agency, Family Solutions, begins work with us. However, my son is expected to start attending sessions with his key worker and get on board. If Family Solutions is unhappy or dissatisfied with the way things are going or if any new information is disclosed and another referral to Social Services needs to be made, then we will be looking at a much more serious intervention from Social Services in the form of A Child Protection case, that is when removing children from the family home becomes the object of the case if serious changes are not made.

http://www.frg.org.uk/2-4-whether-your-child-can-be-removed-from-your-care

Not even this realization that the matter will be no longer in my hands but in the hands of Child Protection, doest it seem to hold a big enough reality check for my son. My son is still adamant that things are not so bad,  or correction, things were not so bad until I started making an issue of it all. He admits he hates Social Services' involvement, however he does not see that he must start playing ball or the outcome may be devastating. When I was trying to get him to answer my questions about how things can start getting better, asking him what he thinks needs to be done, his answer was, "I am being forced into all this and I have to keep doing what I am being forced to do until they go away". I pointed out to my son that he has been saying this for weeks and yet in fact he has done very little in regard to what others want him to do, so in fact he is not really being "forced" because he is not doing them. As even the psychiatric nurse observed, my son might actually be doing things on his own accord (such as keeping a log of what he takes, when he took it, and how much) but as soon as someone tells him to do that thing he has already been doing, he stops. He likes to be in control and he likes to challenge people.



The problem is that while we wait for Family Solutions or Social Services, or the Key Workers, any professionals or me for that matter to try to "get through" to my son, we live the same way despite all my efforts. I am worried that in the process of all this waiting, the message being sent to my son, and my daughters, is that he can get away with it, he is in control, nothing is "working" and mom is unable or incapable or too weak to make the changes needed to make everything OK again.

As I have said so many times before and I keep saying, I still cling on to hope that one day things will be different and better for us all.