Love, love and more love.

Not really focused on addiction today. Not really wanting to be logical or thought provoking about the way drugs and alcohol took over my family's life and all the repercussions of that. Nor do I want to intellectualise the possible reasons why my son or anyone becomes an addict. Tonight I just want to write. I want the cathartic process to help me purge my emotions and to allow the tears to flow smoothly and with purpose. I want to write about, love.

A range of loves have just came to my head as I write: parental, sibling, romantic, friendship, but also the love of self, the love of drugs and unhealthy love. I believe every human being is born needing to be loved and there is an abundance of research on how the lack of parental love in childhood has negative impact on cognitive, developmental, emotional and social/psychological growth. So from the beginning we need to feel the warmth and fulfilment love gives us the best start in life and if we don't we are more prone to having an onslaught of problems in life!



I have written in previous posts that al I wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mother and when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child my first reaction was pure joy. It was very unfortunate that the baby's father did not share in my joy and most of my pregnancy was spent arguing. Despite the negativity and arguments, I loved, I mean I really LOVED being pregnant and carry my baby within my womb. I talked to my unborn child and messaged it as it moved about and felt intense happiness within myself at the knowledge that I was indeed going to fulfil one of my most precious dreams of becoming a mother, and nothing, not even the baby's father would take that away from me. It seems, through people I have met and stories I have heard, that sometimes having one "good", loving parent is enough while the other parent may be absent or is emotionally inadequate. However it may not be the case if one parent is emotionally abusive, though I tried to love my children and nurture them and stimulate their development as much as I could, maybe the "energy" of the house as well as the negative behaviour from their father made it so my love was not enough.

My first child was an unplanned pregnancy and caused a lot of conflict in our relationship. We did stay together and tried to make things work. Our little boy could not have been more perfect. He was loving and kind and good natured. He suffered no terrible twos or tantrums. He always held my hand and was a joy to be with. When there were moments when he had to be disciplined, he stood in his time out corner and always listened carefully to my explanations why he was having a time out. He was so full of love and positive energy and lust for life that I felt that his loved deserved to be shared and that he and his sibling would benefit from sharing his love. I always wanted a big family, but I never thought that possible and did not want that with my husband, but I felt that having a little brother or sister would be wonderful for my loving boy.

Our second child was our only planned child. It took a while but we did get pregnant and funnily enough I can not remember the exact moment I discovered I was pregnant like I do with my first. Perhaps that is because the first pregnancy is such a  milestone or perhaps it is because the second pregnancy was somewhat clouded with worry when we discovered she had club feet and were told that that may be a sign of other developmental problems. Luckily there were no other genetic or developmental problems but it did make us worry.

Sibling love. It was there and it was good for a while, then as the years went on it changed and here we are now and those two have not spoken in 18 months now. I tried to love them both, both since I was the primary care giver to my son and the person he spent most of his time with, actually ALL of his time with, there was going to be some changes. Also with the added element of severe club feet to a new born, as well as regular physiotherapy and hospital appointments and surgeries, there was a lot of added stress.

                                    A picture from the internet which resembled our baby's feet.
                                                                                                                                                                           

So for whatever reasons (extra stress, tense relationship between parents, increased resentments, lack of attention) those early days have impacted on all of our relationships with each other; however, in the beginning despite difficulties there was love between brother and sister.

As far as the relationship now, well obviously living with a chaotic drug addict and having mom's attentions being fully consumed by the problems she faced, has taken there toll on the brother sister relationship. That as well as the early stresses and that dad was not a loving and affectionate and involved father have created a sibling relationship which now seems devoid of all love.

The bonds that my two older children have with the youngest seems different again and each seem to have more love for her, yet my son seems to be more interested in pursuing a friendship with her than my middle daughter does.

In http://www.education.com/reference/article/influences-sibling-relationships/ the author discuses a range of sibling issues as well as other relationships influencing sibling relationships, as well as only children. She says:  "In homes where fathers are affectionate and helpful there are more positive sibling interactions. On the other hand, conflict between mother and each child is associated with increased sibling conflict". She goes on to say: "Children's personalities, social and cognitive skills, self concepts, values and sense of self protection from the outside world are influenced by their sibling relationships". So this type of love is different from the love we get from our parents but is very influential in our development and creating how we understand love and relationships and the world to work.

I am a die hard romantic, I have written about my feelings of true love more than once, and believe that much of my inner conflicts and feels of self doubt are due to the fact that I have been unsuccessful in finding true love. True love, romantic love is a very big part of the culture we live it, It is very commercialised and engrained in us from the first fairy tales we hear as small children. We grow up feeling the need to find that one special person out there. We also grow up feeling that is we don't have such love in our live that we are failures. I sometimes go through moments where I feel I have failed myself and also my children by not being able to find true love, yet on a deeper level it is not as simple as failing to find something I want, it is an emptiness that is created by the biological and physical as well as spiritual need to give and receive love. Human beings need love. They flourish in a loving environment and in loving relationships. People are better people when they are loved, it is that simple. When we are not, than we become bitter, self absorbed, negative, self hating and we begin to languish.

                        


Friendship is a key factor to us as children, forming our identities and branching out into the world and leaving the close-knit unit of just our family that we had as infants, toddlers and young children. However, the role that friendship plays in our development in adolescents does not stop there. Friendship is vital to us as adults, especially if we come from less than loving families. Friendships offer us not only a special type of love but because we choose each other as friends, it is unique in its bond. We have similar interests and we like each other and we want to spend time together because friendship often give us a great deal of fun in our lives. On the other hand, we have all experienced the age old saying that you  know who your friends are when the chips are down! When life throws us conflict and struggle from all angles we need the support from friends especially if we are single, in a dysfunctional relationship. and/or have poor family ties.

I often turn to music for comfort and release and I find if we aren't singing about love, then we are singing about friends or if neither than we are singing about getting high or drunk!
There are so many songs about friendship! This song "Lean On Me" popped into my head last night after not hearing it for many years and the lyrics are very poignant:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Writer(s): Bill Withers
Copyright: Interior Music Corp. 

In times of sorrow, pain or when we are lost and confused, we need a friend to lean on. We need the support of our friends. Our friends will remind us that no matter what,  they will still be there and just as importantly, that a true friend will in turn be there for you despite their own problems. We do not need to feel weak or ashamed that we have "lost face" or are incapable of fixing our own problems, we are not in the least. I think that when we are "brave" enough to go to our friends with our demons then we are showing how much we love and respect our friends that we trust them. We are also opening ourselves to them and showing that we trust the friendship that we can put ourselves in a vulnerable position, "bearing our soul" if you like. I know we all have friends that serve a purpose, friends who are specific to certain situations, acquaintances etc, but while talking about friendship I refer to the real and true, tried and tested friendships that we may have, may only have one of, some of us may have had and lost or some of us are still hoping for. Our friends will not fix our problems, that is not what we want or need, sometimes we do not even ask for advise, we just want and need support, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or sometimes we just want to go to our friends and let lose and have a bit of fun so that we can feel rejuvenated and refreshed and energised so that we can face our problems as a stronger person. Friendship, reciprocal and supportive friendship is like gold to us. If you are lucky enough to find love AND friendship, then you have found the whole pot of gold!

                  

The irony of love is that sometimes we need to have experienced being loved in a healthy way in a healthy home to be able to find healthy love later in life , but people who grew up in loveless or dysfunctional homes and who need love most, do not have the skills to find or maintain healthy and loving relationships/friendships. That is when we often turn to "things" to make us "happy" or actually to make us forget that we are feeling unhappy and unloved. "Things" such as: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping (retail therapy), money and status, just about anything that makes us feel good temporarily. If we did not experience healthy love, we sometimes are attracted to people who are unhealthy for us, treating us in ways we should not be treated yet because it is a familiar feeling and it helps "prove" our self fulfilling prophesy that we are "unworthy" and do not deserve to find happiness. This is way so many people stay in co dependent relationships, do not seek help if they are suffering from a dysfunctional family relationship or allow people to use them as objects of ridicule rather than including them in peer groups, or to be controlled by others. I can understand when my son says he LOVES drugs because in fact since his childhood he has had very little successful relationships within the family and in school and in friendships and he has never experienced any form of romantic love. So if he takes opiates that give him that "warm, fuzzy hug from inside" then, yes, he would want that again and again. If he has many unpleasant and unhappy memories and taking dissociative and sedative drugs  help blur his reality and impair his memory, then yes, he will want to use them again. The longer he relies on substances, the harder he will be able to create happiness without them, for obvious social and psychological reasons, but also from a brain chemistry point of view because the opiate receptors will rewire his brain so that pleasure will be associated with opiates rather than other "happiness". It will be a long process for my son to find other forms of love, to believe in love, to rewire his pleasure and happiness receptors, to trust others and make himself vulnerable. The reward would be friendship, love and happiness,that is the ultimate goal.
                                                                                                                                                                                        

So the bottom line wont come as a surprise to anyone, we all NEED to be loved from infancy throughout our entire life. Though our needs change and the types of relationships that give us love change, we all ultimately function better and thrive when we are loved and can love in a healthy and open way. We do not need to fear what love and friendship offer us, because it does not make us weaker or insignificant or shamed. We can still be true to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves but gain support and energy and respite from turning to those we love in times of chaos and conflict.

It may sound simple, but like another great song says, "love is all you need " and everything else will fall into place!

                              
                            
                             

Feeling Low

I am feeling quite sad at the moment, I am not really sure why. I have been thinking too much lately about my life and the feeling of emptiness that I have experienced for much of my 49 years. Maybe emptiness is not the right word, maybe sadness or longing. I am analysing my relationships with my mother, father, past and present friendships, men I love (there are only 2 I fell in love with, though I had many men in my life before I married. Neither of those two men is not my ex husband which is sad in itself, but even sadder is that neither of the 2 men that I loved/love is in the position to have me in their life fully, one was in the past and one is current), my children (there upbringing, their current situations and what their futures hold), my future, my health, my financial situation and my many failures and a few of my successes). All these ponderings leave me with this sensation of emptiness and somehow wanting to fill a void within me and in my life.

                                                        My mother and I before my illness.


I think that maybe some of these feelings stem from the relationship I had with my mother. I adored my mother, so very much. I had a less than typical childhood since I became ill at the age of 7 and spend so much time at home and in the hospital, all the while my mother was by my side, nurturing me, protecting me, loving me, trying to teach me ways to cope with the agony I was going through. At around the age of 10, my symptoms were finally getting under control because of a very high and long term steroid treatment. At last I was able to go back to school, but then a new bag of troubles started, bullying at school because I looked hideous from the steroid treatment, and of course I was isolated even more for having no friends since we had also moved homes around that time. My mother was my rock! She was the only person I could talk to. She helped me get through the hardest periods of my childhood. When I was around 13-14 years old, the bullying was so bad, with threatening phone calls and fears of beatings and threats to end my life that I refused to attend school! My mother's love then became enabling and she allowed me to stay home! So we spent a lot of time together, and even though I completely disagree with the fact that she let me stop going to school, and I never finished high school, I do still so admire her love for me.

                                                    Me during my Prednisolone treatment.


She did try to help me later when I was 16 and enrolled me in driving school so that I could get my license since I was not getting my driver's education, as I would have done if I remained in school. Then she tried to help me find work, she accepted my dream to be a model and paid for modelling school and an expensive portfolio and took me to various assignments and appointments. We even tried to run a small business together, and when all that failed she was very supportive when I signed up to our local community college when I was 18. After nearly 2 years at our local college, my real dreams started to formulate. I loved being a student! I wanted to learn and I wanted to study psychology and eventually be a practising psychologist. My mother helped me as much as she could in the early days of college, since I had virtually no high school education to apply to my classes and assignments. So she studied with me! Finally I did not need that support from her as my confidence grew as I was receiving good grades and I started to immerse myself in academia.

My dreams were such that I would need to attend university. I nervously applied to three and one was the ultimate dream, UCLA! I was overjoyed when I got accepted to all three schools! My mother and I cried tears of joys after remembering what hard times I went through to get to where I was! It was wonderful, my dreams were starting to come through and I would make my future bright as well as giving back  to my mother the love and care she always bestowed upon to me! I was feeling happy. My UCLA days were some of the happiest days in my life and my mother was so very proud!

Then a terrible unforeseen event happened; my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis was by chance during a routine gall bladder surgery. I was the only one in the hospital waiting room when I was told the terrible news. Not only was I told she had cancer but that it was inoperable and she had about 3 months to live! That was the beginning of my dreams, as well as life as I knew it, crumbling down upon me.
I did lose my mother, 6 months later. I took her to her chemo and radiation appointments. I cared for her and nursed her and towards the end gave her more liquid morphine than she was allowed because she was screaming out in pain as well as withdrawals, and having hallucinations as she was wanting more and more and more! She died from a morphine induced coma and I was the only one there by her side, I tried to study during that long restless night as I had final exams the following day. Eventually sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I was next to my beloved mother as she drew her finally big breath of air, as if she was about to go under water, then she was gone.


                                   

                                 
I now realise that ever since then, I have NEVER been anyone's priority. I was my mother's priority much of the time because of my illness and the subsequent problems it created in my life. This priority did cause resentment within my sister, but that was not my mother's intention, for I remember many times when she too was my mother's priority! All I want, all I have ever wanted was to be someone's priority. This I wanted from the men in my life and I have never ever felt that from any man. Now at my age I realise that I will never have such a love in my life and this makes me feel very, very sad indeed. I am not saying I will never be loved, but I will never be anyone's priority because once we have children our priority will always be our children.

                                           
                                   
My children are obviously my priority, but sometimes I think why? Doesn't that sound horrible? But then tonight in my support group I heard 2 different women say basically the same thing. I heard one say that she is starting to feel that she does not want her children to go on holiday with her, she wants to go alone, she does not want her kids...obviously she does not honestly feel she does not want her kids any more, but there are fleeting moments when you feel like, "I just want to be a person without my kids"! Another woman said that sometimes she wished she would get into an accident, just so she could have a break from her kids in the hospital! And we are not talking young children, young children may be physically draining, but older children can sometimes drain your spirit!

Today I saw my son, who has been my priority for 19 years! My ex husband never felt this sense of priority. He continued with his life, his socializing with his friends, going away on his own holidays, weekends away, night's out, overnight stays, laziness at home, not caring for his children etc. It hurt me that my son was so disrespectful to me today and it comes so easily to him to try to blame me, control me, hurt me. I felt so stupid, I wish I had a better word to describe myself, but stupid is the only word that I can use. Stupid because I have made my children my one and only priority for all these years and yet my only son finds it so acceptable to treat me the way he does. He does not treat me this way most of the time any more, but that is probably because he is not living at home and we do not spend that much time together as we did when he was at home. I left feeling all wound up and on edge, with my heart thumping in my chest and feeling agitated and snappy with others.

                                     

I hated being told how everything is wrong in his life and that it is all my fault. I told him that I might go away for a short holiday break, and then he started demanding that he is the one who deserves a break, not me. My life apparently always works out and is better than his, and if I would have listened to him in the first place and did as I was told there would have never been any trouble and he would still be enjoying life doing what he enjoys doing, but I took everything away from him. When I asked him if it was ok for his father and or his grandparents to have breaks and holidays he said yes it is but I can not go away unless I provide a holiday for him as well since I am the one who created so many problems! Lovely, at least I did not have to listen to him calling me a f****** c*** over and over again like I use to when he lived at home!

Then later in the evening, as I mentioned above,  I went to my support group for parents who are "suppose to" have children with drug problems. I say, "suppose to", because, well I am sorry, but living with a son who goes to work, has friends, has some decent hobbies and generally behaves himself, but he likes to smoke a bit of weed from time to time, is not a child with a drug problem. OK, I am feeling quite self obsessed and maybe a bit of self pity is playing on my thoughts today. . Another member who just started our group today is another one who says her son only smokes weed, but he has very abusive behaviour towards her. I feel a lot of these parents who may have badly behaved children, with some underlying issues and they have challenging situations at home, but I do not see smoking a bit of weed as being a drug problem. Cannabis is different than it use to be, I know that, and I am sure that smoking weed on top of underlying issues and aggressive personalities will make life worse rather than easier, but I feel that somehow there should be another group that I should be in! I know my son has many underlying issues, but he was never, up until maybe 3-4 years ago, badly behaved, but he has a major drug problem with several very dangerous drugs. But I walked away from group tonight feeling like an alien, I did not feel I belonged in the group and in fact tonight I had very little to contribute and felt an unnecessary member. I also left the group being reminded about this "priority" dilemma I am feeling. Out of the 8 people in attendance, I felt again, this self pitying feeling of, "I have no one really by my side who I can lean on when I need to. No one who is in my life who is part of it. You know, I am talking partner, parents, siblings, that many people do seem to have to talk to and get comfort from. I came home feeling that I was very alone and I am not sure why exactly as half of the people are single parents and a few are going through some really tough times.

                                    

So today I was made to feel quite unnerved by my son. I was reminded of what my life was like on a daily basis and I do not know how I coped for so long like that. I was also told by my son, who was feeling suitably "relaxed" (his way if describing being on something) on Etizolam, that it would be far better for him physically, emotionally, financially to be on his etizolam regularly and that the money he would save on not buying as much alcohol would be a great way to start saving money and that he generally feels so much better this way and he does not understand why I am so resistant to accept this. He also explained that he had a chat with one of his workers at the drug rehabilitation appointments that he does not intend to give up all drugs and what would happened if after his requirement is met ,he was found out to be taking legal highs or benzos he purchased on line. Well good news for my son is that they said nothing would happen, under the eyes of the law it would be an improvement from what he was doing when he got arrested, and that they are not illegal!

So my precious boy who I loved and adored and brought up so very well can sit eating the doughnuts and tea I bought him, while he was talking to me in an emotionally abusive tone and tells me he has no intention of giving up on his drugs. I am so tired of telling him that this is his opportunity to start moving forward because one day he will realise the life he is living now, is not what he wants to be doing. He does not want to change his life, but I do not want to watch and wait until he does; however, I do not want to have him out of my life, I love him too much!

Sorry, I am having a shit day. I am feeling alone and like things will never change, though I know they have changed in subtle ways already, it is sometimes easy to lose your focus. Maybe I am getting impatient and greedy. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy and thriving in a healthy lifestyle. I want someone to love me and be there for me without any restrictions. I want to be free to express myself without fear of being judged or losing those I love. I want to be free from financial worries to do things that make me feel happy. I have waiting so very long for these things and I am getting tired of waiting.

                                             

I am very low in mood and I do not like writing such posts that come across as "woe is me" but sometimes we all feel like this and it does help to get it out and since I can not sit down and talk to someone whenever I need to, I sit down and talk to people through my computer and hope that someone who will read this will "get me" and also the sheer fact that I have somehow purged these thoughts and formulated them into words in my blog helps me work through my complex emotions.

Tomorrow is another day as they say,  and we can only hope that tomorrow will be better, when we are feeling less than happy today!

Friends, Family.....Forever?

I am a hopeless romantic and a kid at heart. I want life to be fair and for love to last forever! I am not ashamed to admit it and I think I will never change no matter how old I get. I think everyone deserves to be happy and I think everyone should be treated well and that we should all try to help people and people who don't  treat others well should get their just dues.



I often wonder what makes something, a relationship, last forever? We often think of expressions like "blood is thicker than water" but then I know that sometimes people sever ties with their blood relatives and form lasting relationships with friends that are stronger than the ones with family. Sometimes friends are fickle and only transient and other times a long standing friendship can no longer survive over what seems trivial.

As I said,  I am a hopeless romantic. I always have been from an early age and will die a hopeless romantic. I believe in fighting for the things you believe in and standing by people's in the toughest of times. I believe that living in hardship is better than living a superficial and shallow life that is based on dishonesty. I believe in giving everything for the people you love, sacrificing and putting yourself out. I believe in true love and soul mates and that sometimes it takes a lifetime to find that person and you may have a short time together but that is ultimately better than never having found them at all. I know we do not and can not live forever and that everything must one day end, but I still believe in that romantic notion of forever.

                                       
I look back at various relationships in my life and some have lasted and some have not. Usually the first relationship we ever have is the one we share with our mother. As an infant it is more often than not the mother who spends nearly all of her time with the baby, caring for them, holding them, talking to them, feeding them etc. I adored my mother and was fortunate to have a really good relationship with her. When I would dream of my future, my mother was always in the dream somewhere. Those dreams, like many, were never realised due to her premature death just after she had her 52nd birthday. She was gone, out of my life and no longer a part of my future; however, she is in my life forever.

The relationship I had with my father and sister was not quite the same and I would say that we went through some turbulent times. My sister and I were like most siblings who had their moments of cruelty and arguments, some of which turned physical. We also had times when we were friends and played together or hung out together. Unfortunately around the time that my mother's cancer was diagnosed the relationship between my mother and sister was not on very good terms largely because of the relationship my sister was in at the time. The strain was eventually felt within my relationship with my sister and eventually about a year or so after my mother passed I felt it necessary to stop having contact with her, but it did not last more than a year or two. Today we are such good and close sisters and though we hardly see each other due to the great geographical distance between us, we chat nearly every day on line and when those wonderful occasions happens that we are together we can talk endlessly and laugh randomly and infectiously like children!

                             

My father and I had more issues and we also severed our relationship and did not see each other or speak to each for about 7 years. Within that time was also the time that I decided to leave everything; my friends, sister, my belongings, my memories and my familiarity, to start something new somewhere else. My father also started a new life with a woman only a couple of years older than me. After my new life in London with a husband and a two year old child I decided to go back to L.A. for a visit but had no intentions of seeing my father, to me that relationship was damaged forever and it was gone forever. Upon my arrival at L.A.X with my very sleepy 2 year old snoozing in my arms I was greeting by my sister and her husband, a very good friend and unbeknownst to me, my father and my half sister who I had never met and was now was around 7 years old, were also waiting there for me at the airport. Years had passed, wounds had nearly healed and I was a mother now which all made my reaction to seeing my father there much more pleasant than I would have thought possible. When I was returning home from that visit and everyone said their goodbyes at the airport, my father whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry".  We started a fresh start and in the next 10-12 years we grew closer and closer until he came to stay with me and his three grandchildren when he died here only a month later. That was about 6 years ago now. Grandpa had became a part of our lives and I will remember him forever, in fact everything before that reunion and his new role as a grandfather are not as important as all the memories I have of him later in life. So with my father I experienced a time when I thought forever meant never having him in my life, to forever remembering those fond memories of him with my children and times spent together.

My friendship and other family relationships have been all over the show. Some relatives get weird as they age and think of who is there for them in terms of physical presence and practical help. They start to think of who will inherit and who will not. Sometimes relationships have been frayed because of the lack of honesty or commitment. Sometimes money interferes and damages  trust. Sometimes broken promises are too many and too often to withstand the test of time. Some people have showed that they are ultimately selfish and care more about themselves or being treated as the centre of attention to have the capacity to stay around "forever". Other friends and family understand that shit happens and life gets in the way and distance occurs but that the bond can not be lessened and time may pass and difficulties experienced but the relationship survives.

During my controlling marriage in a new country I did not have many opportunities to make friends and build relationships. In fact the couple of times that I did, there was fault found in them by my husband and he would never give me the freedom to have my own social life. As we already had a small child when we were married and no one to provide any childcare, if he went out then I obviously could not. It took me a very long time after we split up to build relationships and though I thought I had a few acquaintances that could grow into true friendships, these all these proved to be superficial and transient.

Even though the last 5 years have seen more social activity in my life, the strain of having all the problems with my son's serious drug/law/behaviour issues as well has financial strain and how this has all impeded on my daughter's lives has created a somewhat less than social butterfly mentality within me. A few friends have found it hard to understand and eventually there are more and more plans cancelled, lack of interest in making plans or sensitive feelings which makes me wonder how long they will last, since one or two friendships in the past year or two have ended completely.

I accept that feelings change and people do sometimes change as well, and that sometimes relationships do not last or their purpose is transitional. I have many good memories of people who have come and gone for a purpose or when one of us had to move on. I guess what I get annoyed about is that when people are less than honest about feelings or their current position or circumstances and then that creates so much fuss that did not need to happen. Sometimes we meet people who inevitably are false and though sometimes that can be obvious, other times it is not and when we learn the truth it hits us quite hard.

                                                  
 
My children have been hurt by each other and by family and friends. They have learned already that many relationships do not hold up under pressure. I can not predict whether the relationships between each of them will stand the test of time and if they will hold on to their love one day or forever, but I do hope that the pain they have felt will most definitely not last forever.

I may not have a large circle of family and friends, but some of the ones who are, actually most of the ones who are in that circle, I know that I will indeed love them forever. The one most definite thing in my life that will last forever in my life is me. I have to feel good about how I live and what I can do for my family and friends and others. I will remain my children's mother forever and one thing, no matter what, I can say with my head held up high that I am a good mother and I have absolutely no doubt that ALL of my children love me very much and if they hold on to my love and remember that even when I am gone, than I know I did something good that indeed will last forever.

So, as it is Mother's Day tomorrow here in the UK, I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day whether it will be tomorrow or next month! Take pride in knowing how much you are loved and that a mother's love is indeed forever!