Time to Re-Focus

I have spent far too much time away from the cathartic experience of writing. Too much time being overwhelmed without an outlet. Too much time focusing on my own pursuit of happiness and ignoring all the other aspects of life that needed attending to. Too much time hiding. It is time to burst out of the layers of fear, depression, loneliness and dysfunction and try once again to focus on my children as well as my writing to help speak out about the crazy world of addiction, dysfunction and parenting!

While I have never given up on my children, and they have always been my priority, I wrongly believed that my happiness is also important to giving me strength and posing as a positive role model. I see that my focus was wrong, I should not have wasted any time hoping for my personal happiness. At the end of the day, the more I pursued my own happiness the more negative messages I sent my children about life and the fairness of how we get treated or mistreated.

                                     

I wanted to be loved and to be desired. I wanted my children to witness that there is such a thing as happiness between two people and there are good men in the world.  All I did was show them that their mother was hurt again. Their mother is emotionally weak because she gives all of herself yet gets very little in return. I showed them how I am willing to be disappointed and rejected time and time again. How much I cried and hurt, how much I hoped and prayed that this time he will show up and things will be different. My love life is irrelevant, it is non existent. I have never been in a loving relationship. I have never had a man who was truly in love with me and the two men I have loved never treated me the way I deserved. I have showed my children very bad examples. This is not even speaking of what messages I have ingrained in them that their mother married a man she was not in love with and stayed with despite all the emotional abuse and financial and personal control he ensued upon us all. I have shown them a mother who has always felt sad and unloved and always dreamed of a happily ever after that is just not in my destiny. I should accept that. Instead I should be showing my children that I am strong and do not need anyone in my life to make me happy or motivate me or help me, I should have shown them all these years that I am capable of creating my own happiness and creating a life worth living; however, I must first believe that myself.

                                               

     

I met a man who saw us all for what we were. He saw that all first before we developed our friendship. He offered his support in the chaotic lives of an addict and that of his mother and sisters. He wanted to be there for my son and lend a helping hand as it is his profession and he had connections. He wanted to help us with things that I could not afford or do by myself, such as repairs. He spent time with us all and unfortunately all my children liked him, so much, and my son actually said he would like it if we "got together". My youngest daughter thought he was wonderful and acted so relaxed around him. Even my middle daughter, the one who seems the most suspicious of relationships, love, men, etc, thought he was "a nice guy". He knew our pasts, our faults, our vulnerabilities, way before we become lovers. It was so easy, so right. Then things became complicated as his issues, his fears, his immaturity and his own insecurities and selfishness came into the equation. He no longer helped with repairs. He no longer came around as often as he did before. He no longer tried to help my son. There were many broken promises. Months of playing me like a yo-yo and of me being an emotional roller-coaster were seen by my daughters.. It has only reinforced everything negative that my kids already thought of people and I am sure they were only more disappointed in their mother's foolish, girlish romantic dreams of happiness. Instead of making my children believe that they are the most important things in my happiness, I showed them I was not happy enough unless I was loved by a man as well. STUPID! Seven years of no social life, no dating, no relationship, after years of a loveless and lonely marriage; in all those years I only focused on my children. What a mistake to think otherwise.

                                         

I can not even imagine how many confused and wrong messages I have unintentionally been sending my children that will only add to their dysfunctional beliefs in their already messed up existence.

My son in the meantime has been in the mental health inpatient ward for 6 weeks, is being evicted from his supported housing accommodation, been rejected help from all the other supported housing, slipped back into drugs and been arrested again for possession with intent to supply. I am trying all I can to help and assist him, but my first reaction to many of these dramas was "I wish I had my friend in my life to talk to about all this", he was my first go to for support and advice. My ex husband has rejected his son once again when he was told that he is "unable" to help if his son is made homeless. My son's grandparents have also said the same thing, but with the additional, "I am sure everything will work out" and gave him socks!!!

                                               

My house is falling apart and without my friend's promises to be here for me forever and help me repair all the damage that is still in my home from when my son lived here and had drug induced rages (now a constant reminder and I wanted them repaired for emotional healing more than for aesthetic reasons). I have a room that is closed off because the roof is rotting and therefore creating damp and mold in side the room. My "friend" was going to replace that roof for me in January! The fence is falling down, my side gate is broken (the gate was another thing he was going to help me with). So since the big problems can not be addressed, I have stopped maintaining the house all together. Another negative message that I am telling my children. Surely I should want their health and happiness to drive me to  maintain my house for their happiness?

So now I will have to push myself to help my children, focus on them, focus on their surroundings, the messages I am sending them on their lives and futures so that they can have the best foundation and emotional health to start their own lives on their own. My own personal life is no longer an issue, I have learnt that very painfully. As hard as it will be because my own motivation and belief system is not as it should be.

                                                 

Focus!
I will write my blog to cleanse me and energize me. I will write my blog to organize my thoughts and emotions. I will write my blog to offer support and empathy to others in similar situations.

Focus!
I will begin writing letters and emails and kick up as much as fuss as possible until I get my son housed. I will try all I can to seek help and advice and motivate him to do all he can to stop him from going to prison for his last arrest. I will love him and fill him with hope for HIS future.

Focus!
I will try to encourage my daughter as she studies for her GCSE exams and praise her and encourage her to be all that she can be. No matter what my life's disappointments and failures, my inability to provide, that should not stop her from future education and she should travel and go to university and pursue her dreams.

Focus!
My youngest is still an adorable little girl, who I have discovered lacks confidence and feels bad about herself. I will focus on her as well as she is the one who gets lost and neglected with all the other dramas that go on in our lives. I will spend more time with her, listen to her, play with her and love her and tell her how amazing she is to build her up rather than have all my failed attempts at life and happiness teach her that life is pointless.

Their lives are not pointless, so I will re focus on them and forget about me because my time has come and gone and I blew it...end of story...but their stories are just beginning.

Next post....I will focus once again on my son's journey through addiction.

Love, love and more love.

Not really focused on addiction today. Not really wanting to be logical or thought provoking about the way drugs and alcohol took over my family's life and all the repercussions of that. Nor do I want to intellectualise the possible reasons why my son or anyone becomes an addict. Tonight I just want to write. I want the cathartic process to help me purge my emotions and to allow the tears to flow smoothly and with purpose. I want to write about, love.

A range of loves have just came to my head as I write: parental, sibling, romantic, friendship, but also the love of self, the love of drugs and unhealthy love. I believe every human being is born needing to be loved and there is an abundance of research on how the lack of parental love in childhood has negative impact on cognitive, developmental, emotional and social/psychological growth. So from the beginning we need to feel the warmth and fulfilment love gives us the best start in life and if we don't we are more prone to having an onslaught of problems in life!



I have written in previous posts that al I wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mother and when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child my first reaction was pure joy. It was very unfortunate that the baby's father did not share in my joy and most of my pregnancy was spent arguing. Despite the negativity and arguments, I loved, I mean I really LOVED being pregnant and carry my baby within my womb. I talked to my unborn child and messaged it as it moved about and felt intense happiness within myself at the knowledge that I was indeed going to fulfil one of my most precious dreams of becoming a mother, and nothing, not even the baby's father would take that away from me. It seems, through people I have met and stories I have heard, that sometimes having one "good", loving parent is enough while the other parent may be absent or is emotionally inadequate. However it may not be the case if one parent is emotionally abusive, though I tried to love my children and nurture them and stimulate their development as much as I could, maybe the "energy" of the house as well as the negative behaviour from their father made it so my love was not enough.

My first child was an unplanned pregnancy and caused a lot of conflict in our relationship. We did stay together and tried to make things work. Our little boy could not have been more perfect. He was loving and kind and good natured. He suffered no terrible twos or tantrums. He always held my hand and was a joy to be with. When there were moments when he had to be disciplined, he stood in his time out corner and always listened carefully to my explanations why he was having a time out. He was so full of love and positive energy and lust for life that I felt that his loved deserved to be shared and that he and his sibling would benefit from sharing his love. I always wanted a big family, but I never thought that possible and did not want that with my husband, but I felt that having a little brother or sister would be wonderful for my loving boy.

Our second child was our only planned child. It took a while but we did get pregnant and funnily enough I can not remember the exact moment I discovered I was pregnant like I do with my first. Perhaps that is because the first pregnancy is such a  milestone or perhaps it is because the second pregnancy was somewhat clouded with worry when we discovered she had club feet and were told that that may be a sign of other developmental problems. Luckily there were no other genetic or developmental problems but it did make us worry.

Sibling love. It was there and it was good for a while, then as the years went on it changed and here we are now and those two have not spoken in 18 months now. I tried to love them both, both since I was the primary care giver to my son and the person he spent most of his time with, actually ALL of his time with, there was going to be some changes. Also with the added element of severe club feet to a new born, as well as regular physiotherapy and hospital appointments and surgeries, there was a lot of added stress.

                                    A picture from the internet which resembled our baby's feet.
                                                                                                                                                                           

So for whatever reasons (extra stress, tense relationship between parents, increased resentments, lack of attention) those early days have impacted on all of our relationships with each other; however, in the beginning despite difficulties there was love between brother and sister.

As far as the relationship now, well obviously living with a chaotic drug addict and having mom's attentions being fully consumed by the problems she faced, has taken there toll on the brother sister relationship. That as well as the early stresses and that dad was not a loving and affectionate and involved father have created a sibling relationship which now seems devoid of all love.

The bonds that my two older children have with the youngest seems different again and each seem to have more love for her, yet my son seems to be more interested in pursuing a friendship with her than my middle daughter does.

In http://www.education.com/reference/article/influences-sibling-relationships/ the author discuses a range of sibling issues as well as other relationships influencing sibling relationships, as well as only children. She says:  "In homes where fathers are affectionate and helpful there are more positive sibling interactions. On the other hand, conflict between mother and each child is associated with increased sibling conflict". She goes on to say: "Children's personalities, social and cognitive skills, self concepts, values and sense of self protection from the outside world are influenced by their sibling relationships". So this type of love is different from the love we get from our parents but is very influential in our development and creating how we understand love and relationships and the world to work.

I am a die hard romantic, I have written about my feelings of true love more than once, and believe that much of my inner conflicts and feels of self doubt are due to the fact that I have been unsuccessful in finding true love. True love, romantic love is a very big part of the culture we live it, It is very commercialised and engrained in us from the first fairy tales we hear as small children. We grow up feeling the need to find that one special person out there. We also grow up feeling that is we don't have such love in our live that we are failures. I sometimes go through moments where I feel I have failed myself and also my children by not being able to find true love, yet on a deeper level it is not as simple as failing to find something I want, it is an emptiness that is created by the biological and physical as well as spiritual need to give and receive love. Human beings need love. They flourish in a loving environment and in loving relationships. People are better people when they are loved, it is that simple. When we are not, than we become bitter, self absorbed, negative, self hating and we begin to languish.

                        


Friendship is a key factor to us as children, forming our identities and branching out into the world and leaving the close-knit unit of just our family that we had as infants, toddlers and young children. However, the role that friendship plays in our development in adolescents does not stop there. Friendship is vital to us as adults, especially if we come from less than loving families. Friendships offer us not only a special type of love but because we choose each other as friends, it is unique in its bond. We have similar interests and we like each other and we want to spend time together because friendship often give us a great deal of fun in our lives. On the other hand, we have all experienced the age old saying that you  know who your friends are when the chips are down! When life throws us conflict and struggle from all angles we need the support from friends especially if we are single, in a dysfunctional relationship. and/or have poor family ties.

I often turn to music for comfort and release and I find if we aren't singing about love, then we are singing about friends or if neither than we are singing about getting high or drunk!
There are so many songs about friendship! This song "Lean On Me" popped into my head last night after not hearing it for many years and the lyrics are very poignant:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Writer(s): Bill Withers
Copyright: Interior Music Corp. 

In times of sorrow, pain or when we are lost and confused, we need a friend to lean on. We need the support of our friends. Our friends will remind us that no matter what,  they will still be there and just as importantly, that a true friend will in turn be there for you despite their own problems. We do not need to feel weak or ashamed that we have "lost face" or are incapable of fixing our own problems, we are not in the least. I think that when we are "brave" enough to go to our friends with our demons then we are showing how much we love and respect our friends that we trust them. We are also opening ourselves to them and showing that we trust the friendship that we can put ourselves in a vulnerable position, "bearing our soul" if you like. I know we all have friends that serve a purpose, friends who are specific to certain situations, acquaintances etc, but while talking about friendship I refer to the real and true, tried and tested friendships that we may have, may only have one of, some of us may have had and lost or some of us are still hoping for. Our friends will not fix our problems, that is not what we want or need, sometimes we do not even ask for advise, we just want and need support, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or sometimes we just want to go to our friends and let lose and have a bit of fun so that we can feel rejuvenated and refreshed and energised so that we can face our problems as a stronger person. Friendship, reciprocal and supportive friendship is like gold to us. If you are lucky enough to find love AND friendship, then you have found the whole pot of gold!

                  

The irony of love is that sometimes we need to have experienced being loved in a healthy way in a healthy home to be able to find healthy love later in life , but people who grew up in loveless or dysfunctional homes and who need love most, do not have the skills to find or maintain healthy and loving relationships/friendships. That is when we often turn to "things" to make us "happy" or actually to make us forget that we are feeling unhappy and unloved. "Things" such as: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping (retail therapy), money and status, just about anything that makes us feel good temporarily. If we did not experience healthy love, we sometimes are attracted to people who are unhealthy for us, treating us in ways we should not be treated yet because it is a familiar feeling and it helps "prove" our self fulfilling prophesy that we are "unworthy" and do not deserve to find happiness. This is way so many people stay in co dependent relationships, do not seek help if they are suffering from a dysfunctional family relationship or allow people to use them as objects of ridicule rather than including them in peer groups, or to be controlled by others. I can understand when my son says he LOVES drugs because in fact since his childhood he has had very little successful relationships within the family and in school and in friendships and he has never experienced any form of romantic love. So if he takes opiates that give him that "warm, fuzzy hug from inside" then, yes, he would want that again and again. If he has many unpleasant and unhappy memories and taking dissociative and sedative drugs  help blur his reality and impair his memory, then yes, he will want to use them again. The longer he relies on substances, the harder he will be able to create happiness without them, for obvious social and psychological reasons, but also from a brain chemistry point of view because the opiate receptors will rewire his brain so that pleasure will be associated with opiates rather than other "happiness". It will be a long process for my son to find other forms of love, to believe in love, to rewire his pleasure and happiness receptors, to trust others and make himself vulnerable. The reward would be friendship, love and happiness,that is the ultimate goal.
                                                                                                                                                                                        

So the bottom line wont come as a surprise to anyone, we all NEED to be loved from infancy throughout our entire life. Though our needs change and the types of relationships that give us love change, we all ultimately function better and thrive when we are loved and can love in a healthy and open way. We do not need to fear what love and friendship offer us, because it does not make us weaker or insignificant or shamed. We can still be true to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves but gain support and energy and respite from turning to those we love in times of chaos and conflict.

It may sound simple, but like another great song says, "love is all you need " and everything else will fall into place!

                              
                            
                             

Time to Reflect

Recently I have been thinking of the ways families are damaged while witnessing and living in an addict. There is no doubt in my mind that we have been damaged and need our own recovery just as much as my son needs to find his own time to stop using and start recovering.

                                           

However, since "my drug abusing teenager" no longer lives with us in the family home, I decided to not only investigate on the damage, but to reflect back on how our lives have changed for the positive in the last 10 months.

Occasionally I have mentioned that while being with my son I have had thoughts about how glad I am that I do not need to see or hear certain things 24/7, but surely there has been other positive changes in our lives?

It is quite a challenge when all of a sudden you are allowed to live your life the way you want. You can not just flip a switch and start "living" your life because a negative contributing factor has been taken out of your home! I did feel some positives fairly quickly. A much quieter and calmer household was always going to be the case, and it was.

                                                

Before we could move on though we needed to actually get use to the idea that my son was no longer living at home. Also the initial transition period was made more difficult since he left home just before Christmas and that he was not going to be spending the holidays at home.

Once the first month or so was over, then I think that my daughters and I started to feel that the change had actually happened. We decided to have a meeting and talked about what sort of things we would like to see be reinstated in our normal routines, (such as meals taken at the table once again) to things we would like to try doing (more friends coming over).

So the first and easiest was indeed the simple pleasure of eating around the table again. Eating without fear and dread that an argument would soon ensue, eating at regular times and not while sat in front of the tv in the attempt to reduce tensions. The girls had fun creating weekly menus and having choices and looking forward to dinners again.

Also in an attempt to restore normality, my daughters were given daily chores which they initially "liked", but that did in fact help develop a feeling of unity and working together, which we had most definitely lost.

While my son was at home and over the years as his addiction grew and his behaviours worsened, our family felt more and more isolated. We no longer felt "safe" in having friends over, we were all anxious and often fearful at home so of course having visitors was not an option. Actually before we stopped having friends around, there were those unfortunate occasions in which we still did have friends over but then my son would snap and react badly and thus leave our visitors feeling very tense and awkward and unwelcome.

Having freedom along with a much happier atmosphere in the home has allowed us to invite the children's friends over more often which has been a very positive change in their lives. Actually at the moment my middle daughter is involved in a 2 month study exchange and we are currently hosting a German girl for 2 months before my daughter goes to Frankfurt for 2 months. This would have never ever been an option while my son was here. There would be no way to try have been able to "act" normal for that long of a time! The exchange program has been a good aspect of my children's education, but this time my daughter was specially chosen to do a special long term exchange based on her language ability and her maturity level. I am so proud of her and I am so relieved that we are now in a position to accept such an opportunity for her. We are now starting our third week of having this lovely young German girl living with us, and it has proven to be the best medicine for my middle daughter. She is happier and more active and more sociable now and I am so very happy to be witnessing this transformation within her. I can only hope the positive impact and change will last even when the exchange is over and she no longer has a live-in bestie to make life more cheerful.

                                                                                                                                                                                     
 
So the home is calmer and more relaxed and definitely has an improved atmosphere which has enabled us as a family to enjoy family meals together again (with every one's input to what meals we will have) as well as working together as a family unit with everyone's responsibilities and chores. This has allowed us to be in a happier place to renew friendships and start becoming more sociable again (even some overnight visitors, which could not have been possible in the chaotic and controlling atmosphere my son created while here).

It is also a great sense of freedom to me that I do not need to justify my whereabouts and be phoned regularly about where I am and when am I coming home. I can openly leave money laying about and no longer have to hide my bank card and be caught out when I pop to the shop and release that my card is still under my pillow! I can leave my phone on the table while I go upstairs or leave my computer open, no longer worrying that my son will access my accounts or do his own dealings on the internet. I can put my bottles of wine and spirits out without waking up to empty bottle or denying myself because of the fear it would "discovered". What a sense of relief and a sense of openness and honesty that has become part of my life once again!

I have also realised that due to all the problems that our family has had over the last few years regarding drug and alcohol and domestic issues, I have actually started becoming much more confident when it comes to meeting people and expressing myself and finding ways for myself to have an outlet. Thinking about it, the amount of people I have had to speak to, going to court, going to children in need meetings, joining a support group, attending appointments, etc has helped me tremendously. I am much more at ease when it comes to having to go out and do things and have my voice heard! How weird is that? All the amount of talking I have had to do, talking about our problems, has actually been quite empowering for me. I have slowly become more confident within myself and hopefully this is the beginning of also being able to gain control over my life and start to do more empowering things for myself and my children.

I have been on various training days, applying myself to different volunteering opportunities and going to parties, having a friend over from time to time and just being more of my true self has been very good for me, even if the transition is slow, I feel it is slow but steady.

I am back in control of my life and that is not only a big change abut a big responsibility as well, but mostly it is a hugely positive element in my life that I am still learning to embrace. My son did control use and me and now he can no longer control our every moment and my every decision. Of course since he is still in my life and he has called upon me several times for help, I am much more in control but sometimes I do find myself in situations in which he is edging his control back, but I am learning how to deal with those situations.

                                              

My youngest daughter seems to be slowly letting go of her confusion regarding her brother because she is starting to let go of her anger and frustrations. My middle daughter has deeper issues regarding the past and her brother, but I am hoping that slowly and steadily she too will start to feel empowered to create the life she wants and learn that it is ok to let go of her anger.

Once our lives become even more positive I hope to be able to reach a point where we may actually begin considering reintroducing my son into our lives so I do not need to juggle and separate my life and my children. How wonderful it will be if in a few years we can actually all eat a meal together in peace and because we are all wanting to to engage in each other's company and the relationships have grown more healthy as well as our own personal sense of well being.

Time is a wonderful healer and a wonderful teacher. We never know in advance though, how much time we will need to reach the point we are reaching for. Ten months is almost a year, and it can sound like a long time, but for us it has not been that long at all and so, though we are moving forward, we are still in need of time to learn and to change and to heal. I do not plan to go anywhere or leave this material existence just yet, so time I have, and I will keep utilizing the powerful healing properties of time!

Pre Travelling Blues

We are venturing off to sunny Budapest the day after tomorrow and I may not be blogging while we are away. We will not only be visiting my aunt there (who is an amazing 84 years old) , but also attending an amazing week long musical festival, which I help promote here in the UK called the Sziget Festival. My children and I love the bands that are going to be playing and we are almost %100 guaranteed good, sunny, hot but not humid weather.We will get away for 11 days.

Am I excited? Sometimes I feel a slight excitement. Happy? No not really. In actual fact at the moment I feel quite sad, tearful and lonely. Again, as many times when I write, my eyes are welling up with tears, but it is not really the sort of post that I should be crying about!

So why am I feeling this way? Well, writing is a great tool for self expression, self discovery, healing and just an overall emotionally cathartic experience. Writing also can reach out to others and make them have "light bulb" moments or feel comfort that they are not alone.

So, as I sit and begin to gather my thoughts to write this blog post, it starts to become clearer why it is I feel so tearful and sad. Well, it comes as no surprise to me, and probably no surprise to those who read my posts regularly, I can sum up three reasons: my son, my feelings of unimportance to others and a fear that the few good years I have left will be spent more or less alone.

As I have written about our last family vacation and how it was two fold, my son being meant to be part of both trips, but after his disgraceful behaviour on trip one,  I did not allow him to come with us on trip two. I had intended him to go on both trips: however, after his opium addiction was unbearable whilst away, I could not bear to have that behaviour repeated even though he was all paid for. This year is an entirely different scenario, I have deliberately kept him out of our plans entirely. It is a sad day when a mother does not want to include one of her children on a family trip. Even sadder when that child wants to go and has no other social outlets. He is angry and resentful, but that is because he is not fully appreciating the reasons for my decision. I will worry about him while we are away, but at the same time I do not want to be harassed by him while away. I am afraid that it will be a very long time until all of us (my 3 children and I) can participate in any activities together as a harmonious unit, and unfortunately my son does not comprehend this because he has not taken ownership yet of how much an affect his behaviours and activities had on his sisters and the family unit.
                           

Now as far as the feeling of unimportance to others, well I spoke before of my need to feel like someone's priority and that is important to me yet is not something I feel exists in my life. I have very little family left and they are all far away. My children of course need me, but being that they are indeed children their priorities are different and rightly so. I have maybe 2 or 3 friends and 1-2 acquaintances in my life and THAT IS IT. The friends all have their families (parents still alive, children, siblings) all near to them and again, as it should be, they are my friends' priority. My parents are both dead and I have no significant other. I am not even saying that I want a "partner" because I do not really see living with someone right now something that would be feasible or something that I even want. Though I would like to have someone who is a very special part of my life who I know is always there for me! Yep, that is the clincher, because as I wrote "always there for me" the tears welled up again. I thought I may have had a friend who was turning into that special part of my life, but something is different now, (though I may be paranoid and reading between the lines entirely wrong, only time will tell). So the reason why this is on my mind in relation to going away is because there is no one taking us to the airport (though my  friend has ordered a taxi and paid for it, because he has family commitments and can't take us, I am HUGELY grateful for this gesture of kindness, it helps us so very much, but I would have just liked to have given him a hug and a kiss to thank him and say goodbye even if at home and not at the airport but he never had the time). There is going to be no one waiting for us, in fact no one has asked when or how we are coming home. Am I the only one who understands why this makes me want to cry, even though I should be excited that we are actually getting away, especially since all odds were against us going away?! Why do people have such an easy time of letting me slip away?

                               

This of course leads to the third reason, not wanting to spend the last years of being youthful and being lustful for life and happiness alone (despite my age and looking and feeling younger, there will become a time when I do start to look and feel old). At the moment I want someone who loves me and is there for me when I call them, but not necessarily living together, in fact I would be quite happy just seeing a person once a week and having some other contact during the week (txt messages, phone calls etc). I am not in a place right now where I would want to be spending too much time with a person, so if they are busy then great, but it is the understanding and the knowledge that we are the most important things to each other (other than my/his children of course, but even then I feel there are certain situations in which having children does not mean you must sacrifice your own happiness). But alas I do not have such a relationship with someone at the moment and that ties in with the entire "will anyone miss me while I am away?" type of irrational thought processes!!!

I will be on an air plane in 48 hours going to sunny Budapest to hear awesome bands like Queens of The Stone Age, Placebo, The Kooks, Bastille, Band of Skulls, Tom Odell, Blink 182, Miles Kane and so many more!!!! The atmosphere will be great, the food tasty, the drinks cold and the music fantastic. There will be visual arts, hands on activities, a Ferris Wheel, a beach and so much more. I feel horrible to admit it that I wish I had an adult companion with me and not just my kids, well 2 of my 3 kids with me. I am proud that I am a "cool mom" who takes her children to festivals, and travels with them and they have had many great experiences already; however, I want someone to hug, to kiss, to drink with, to dance with and laugh at inappropriate things with. And hey, a holiday romance is out of the question with kids by my side! How horrible of me as a mom to admit that going away as a single mom leaves me feeling somewhat lonely, only sometimes though, not all the time. There are times when I think it is great because I am doing it my way and there are no stupid arguments between the 2 adults.

Loneliness and the feeling that I have somehow let my children down because they do not have other adults around them, nobody else in their lives that loves them, I chose badly and that is not my fault but it has had its consequences for sure. Now though, when I realise that I have been living as a single mom for seven and a half years and in all that time they have witnessed their mother going from being treated badly by one man, to not having anyone in all those years who thinks highly of their mom and loves her. My son, though I think he was completely out of order to say so, has said to me before that why haven't I had any men in my life after his dad and I split. He is right to a certain extent and not only would it have helped me but it would have been wonderful for my children to see what it is actually like when a man and woman love each. If only they could have seen some positive role models growing up in regards to relationships and communication and love. I shudder to think how screwed up they will be when it comes to their own relationships.

                           

My middle daughter must be wondering about why men don't love me (we are not talking about her father now). When we were in France 2 years ago the man I went to visit and I planned a night when I could come over with the girls and cook dinner and spend the night together. A few nights we tentatively planned but he managed to get out of it. We finally succeeded with our plans and had a great night. We were suppose to see each other again before I left France, but it never transpired and my daughters saw me heartbroken and crying as we left France. Two years down the line and here is another man, and in a weird way I see similarities between the two,  I asked him to come over for a home cooked dinner and my youngest kept asking me when is he going to come because we kept asking. Finally he made it and we had an absolutely wonderful time, we had good conversation, laughs, played the Wii with the kids and then had amazing sex for  about 5 hours after the kids went to bed! No awkwardness or nothing in the morning, and he was very sweet and thanked me profusely for such a great night. Before that night he was also popping around quite a bit to help out with some jobs around the house. Since then, though I have seen him a few times while the girls have been in school and communication is  frequent.  Since then we have not had him over for an evening (though I have asked) and I wonder what my middle daughter makes of it. Only two men in her mother's life since the split with her father, and after one night nothing! I worry what kind of a message this has sent to my daughter who is nearly 15 now and learning to be a woman.

So what a weird place my head is in, when I should be excited and full of enthusiasm, right? My left brain and right brain have been having many discussions between them lately! I have come to the conclusion that no matter how well my left brain understands the rational reasons behind people's behaviour, my right brain will always win out because I am very emotionally driven and my romantic heart and soul  put together with my right brain....well, my left brain doesn't stand a chance!

                            

If I do not write  while I am away, I will try to write another post soon after my return home. I hope that my cat Shadow will survive his loneliness without us. I hope that my son will not completely alienate me or use more drugs to mask his sadness that he has been excluded from his family's vacation. I hope that my daughters and I manage to have a good time and we will not be completely bankrupt when we return to an empty fridge (another thing that always makes me sad is returning and having no one in your life that thought about buying a little food and drink to greet us upon our return) and a pile of unpaid bills! I also hope that whoever is out there reading this that their day is one in which their loved ones are safe and you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your struggles in life. Most of all I hope that all of us can find a little love and happiness in our path to recovery, healing and brighter tomorrows!

                             

Lucky Me!

A few weeks ago, on the eve of our Mother's Day in the UK, I contemplated relationships in my post

 http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/friends-familyforever.html

and concluded that as a mother, my love for my children will be one thing that will last forever.

I thought that I would share with you all what a wonderful Mother's Day I had, the first one in a very long time!

My daughters came up with an amazing Mother's Day menu, which they shopped for and prepared themselves. I was treated to breakfast in bed, and I mean, real breakfast! We are not talking about soggy cereal, burnt toast and cold coffee, I was treated to delicious blueberry pancakes (made from scratch), fresh fruit (mango and pomegranate) and fresh brewed coffee!

After stuffing myself, they brought me up my laptop and told me to relax while they cleaned up! I then received a call from my son wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and said he hoped that his sisters did something nice, because I deserve it! He asked if it would be ok to drop by a card to me later. Full and content, I decided to have a nap!

Later I snuggled on the sofa with my youngest daughter (age 9) watching a film, "Oz, the Great and Powerful" and really enjoyed it with her. All the while, my other daughter was busy in the kitchen preparing my Mother's Day lunch. When she came in with a plate for me I was so amazed at what she created! My lunch was mini puff pastry quiches and a spinach and tomatoes salad!!!! I dug right in and was in food heaven! I had seconds, and thirds!! It was so exceptionally good, I was so proud of my daughter's talented cooking as well as so proud that they had both put in so much time and thought and effort into making me a special day! Lunch was followed by yummy chocolate dominoes, which were consumed before a picture could be taken!

As my girls cleaned up, I was told to relax some more and later my son came to visit. Though my older daughter is still uncomfortable with her brother, and indeed still does not want to see him, she was ok with it and just went up to her room. My younger daughter decided to stay and sit around the kitchen table with her brother and me and it was all very "normal". It was a short visit, but a very comfortable one. My son was not over intoxicated, though I am sure he had a smoke and a drink earlier in the day, he was lucid and behaved himself. He gave me a card and on the envelope it said, "To my brilliant mum". Inside was this most meaningful message:

"Happy Mother's Day to the best mum in the world!! Thank you for being so brilliant, helping me lots and just being around. Hope you've had a lovely day and that the girls did something nice, you deserve a treat. Love you lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox"

You can imagine how powerful his handwritten words to me were! This is the first time in years that my son has given me a card and with such poignant words as well, I was moved beyond words.

I dropped  my son back at his flat so he did not have to make the 45 minute walk, especially since it would become colder and darker during his walk. When I returned home, I had a card from my youngest and chocolates from both of my girls. My youngest daughter wrote this in her handmade card:

"Dear Mummy,
I love you lots and lots! I love you more and more each day! Have a great day. DON'T DO ANY WORK. Well, except make dinner. Ha ha ha. Happy Mother's Day. I love you and all your family does!"

My love for these children will definitely stand the test of time as well as the test of all that life has been giving us. After that most special Mother's Day, I know that their love for me will also last and withstand all the trials and tribulations.

I am one lucky woman, even though my family my not be traditional and far from perfect, even though my children and I have suffered and are still trying to recover, even though my son is a drug addict, I am still one hell of a lucky woman!

Solutions in Spring

Spring has sprung and there needs to be a shift in my way of thinking. At the moment I have to learn to be less analytical about why things have happened the way they have and why the universe keeps testing me with one difficult challenge after the other. I have to let go a little and start thinking of more practical ways to move forward. I need to become, as my Family Solutions worker highlighted, more solution focused.

                            
So while I may still feel flat and stuck and overwhelmed and sad about what has happened and what life has given me, which makes looking forward and dealing with things in the here and now rather difficult, I will start tackling real problems with real solutions.

My son has a drug problem. End of story for the moment. I do not know why it happened or how it happened but I know I did not make that choice for him to seek comfort from drugs. I did not neglect him or mistreat him in any way. I was a good mother and still am and I am not to blame. I am not responsible for the affect other people in my son's life had on his emotional well being, I tried to compensate with my love but that is not always enough. I am still here for him now and always will be. I support him as much as I can and he is still a very important part of my life though he has not lived at home for over 3 months and he is not really a part of his sisters lives. My solution is to continue to support him, offer him practical help and encourage him to seek treatment. At the end of the day he must find his own solutions on how he will move forward and if and when he wants treatment or change.

Not much has changed inside our home in the last three months mostly because of my feelings of being stuck and also financial restraints. Emotionally I have struggled the most in regard to my son's room. Not only was it left in  a HUGE mess and very chaotic, but it was full of memories (good and bad). I felt a sense of disrespect to my son if I was the one who sorted out his things, and I felt an even bigger sense of betrayal if I would change his room from his room into anything but his room. I can feel his anger and disapproval and rejection. Yet I know very well that it is my house,  I make the decisions and I do not need to discuss my plans for a room in my house with him. Therefore I have finally made plans to redecorate it into a spare room, and if the time would ever come, my son would be more than welcome to stay in it. We will move our second T.V. from the playroom into there and store a lot of our books there, freeing up space in other rooms. It will be a space that anyone in the family can use as well as always being there for guests. I have chosen the sofa bed, and the décor. I have discussed removing the old furniture and Thursday it will be taken to the dump. So now I am packing and organising things and feeling more positive about this solution and that I have finally made the decision to do what I want and most importantly, to remove triggers of the unpleasant years without removing the memories.

                      

Broken doors and holes in the walls are also triggers, as well as left over equipment and paraphernalia...all reminds us what life was like, who seemed to be in charge and all the things we didn't like about my son as an addict. Even the garden if full of reminders as well as evidence that once a much loved part of my life had been neglected for years due to the lack of interest and motivation to keep things looking nice when our lives seemed to be crumbling from within.

Solutions: replace broken doors, hire someone to start making some headway with the garden, create spare room, pack away all reminders and dispose of anything I feel is unacceptable to keep. Already, I have cleared away all the equipment my son had in the utility room and threw away a lot of the mess that was left behind. All the spaces of our house that was significant in my son's life with drugs has been severely neglected. I have now created a clean, fresh and open spaced utility room, with house plants and flowers replacing the beakers and vices and tubes. A friend who is a professional gardener has agreed to do some work for me and she has already started and it makes such a difference in creating a positive energy and motivation. My Family Solution worker is coming Thursday to help me clear away some of my son's furniture and we will go to the dump together. So not only have some solutions been decided on, work to see those solutions come to fruition as already begun! And do you know what? It feels good!

                                 
 
I may not be financial secure and I may be alone as far as being a single mother with absolutely no family near me which has created a HUGE sense of responsibility falling ALL on me, but that doesn't mean that solutions can't be found and REALISED! I will bite the bullet and do what needs to be done even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable and intimidates me. I will do it because in so doing I will empower myself and I will feel more confidant and secure in myself. I will start reclaiming control and making life more as I would like it to be despite all the things in my life I dislike.

It is spring, new beginnings, rebirth and hope for the future. I embrace spring and all that it represents. I will actively change my focus and though remaining loyal to my son and wanting nothing more than his recovery, I will not let that overshadow everything else. I will try now to create a balance and no longer feel guilty that while my son is suffering my daughters and I can still create a happy life. Maybe if my daughters and I move on and create a life worth living my son will follow and do the same!