Simple Victories

Yesterday was a good day for my son and so today I will try to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives which is all too easy to do when living with addiction, mental illness and dysfunction.

One of the consequences of both my son's addiction and mental disorientation and anxiety has been the poor management of his limited funds, resulting in escalating bank charges. We all know what a vicious circle this can be: not enough money in the bank, unintentionally being overdrawn, results in bank charges, resulting in less money and so on and so on. This had become so bad for my son that he was being charged £58 a month from the bank and his incoming is only £72 fortnightly. The longer this went on, the more stress and anxiety it created. The initial discussion with the bank did not go well and more confusion and lost letters and hiding from the problem continued. The levels of anxiety were so bad that it created panic attacks and in fact some of my son's delusions during his psychotic episode were around money and banks calling the police on him.

                                            

Since becoming more lucid it is obvious that the two man fears of my son is his poverty and fear of the bank as well as his housing situation and fear of homelessness. It is something we have discussed with the staff at the mental health unit he is in and they have offered to write letters explaining his vulnerability and poor mental health if needed.

On a few occasions when I have taken my son out for a few hours we had planned to go into town and his flat and try to deal with some issues, but it always created such fear, anxiety and anger within him that we could not continue. Yesterday was a different story though. Together we went into the bank and my son said he only wants to go in and tell the bank he has lost his new bank card but still has his old bank card and would like to know if his old one is still active and also what is his balance. Upon investigation it was discovered that my son only ever had one bank card and never received a second one and that the one he has in indeed active and always has been. This confused my son, but I was secretly thinking, this is actually a good thing because it does illustrate his blurred reality. He was happy he had a card that worked and was all set to say thank you and good bye when I spoke up that there is one more thing they could help us with!

I told the woman who was helping us about the bank charges and my son's ongoing problem with managing his money and that he is not in education or employment, lives in supported housing and has mental health issues which has ended him up in our local mental health hospital which he is still in and if there is something that can be done to stop further charges and possibly come to an arrangement where we can pay off the charges in smaller increments rather than taking it all and living him without enough left over. She was very sympathetic and said she would go see if one of their advisors could speak to us. I knew that if we went into the bank with the plan to do this my son would become too anxious and when faced with it in front of others "on the spot" so to speak, it would be easier for him to manage.

We spoke to a lovely and understanding young man, and reading in between the lines of his comments, he has had his own personal experience with mental health issues and straight away got busy on his computer and told us he would explain everything when he finished. While working on my son's account we chatted a little and he was telling my son that his mental well being is priority for him and he does not need to be stressing about bank charges, I was hopeful that he would be able to help but was not expecting the end result when he finished! My son and I were blown away when he explained to us that there was £57 of charges being taken from his account today but he stopped that. If that were not enough he refunded the last two months of charges so in total he refunded £171 into my son's account! He also made a note in his diary to check my son's account weekly to make sure that no more charges are taken and that he stays in credit. He gave my son his direct number and name and told him to call or pop in whenever need be. Most importantly he continued to reassure my son that his emotional well being was paramount and that hopefully without this added worry hanging over his head he can focus more on his recovery. My son was so grateful, I have not seem him smile so big and so genuinely in a very long time! My son shook his hand and told this lovely man, "Thank you. I mean thank you, I am not thanking the bank, I am thanking you!". That made us all smile.

                                  

Earlier that day I encouraged my son to ask staff if he can see the worker from One Support (a floating support service offering help with housing, preventing homelessness and trying to increase life skills). My son said he did not have an appointment, and since this person only comes onto the ward once a week (Wednesdays) he probably couldn't talk to him and he just wants to go out. I gently persisted that he just ask and if he was indeed fully booked, he could ask to see him next week. My son gave me the classic, "yeah, yeah, ok" response. I was not convinced that he would.

As agreed I went to pick him up after lunch and when I got there I was told he will be a while because he was speaking to Brian from One Support. Great! Of course I will wait, well done I thought! So I was kept entertained by one of the other patients having almost the exact conversation I have with her all the time! The conversation usually revolves around cigarettes and will I buy her some. My son came out and we said our hellos and goodbyes and left. Once in the car he told me that Brian had phoned the manager at the supported housing in which my son is being evicted from and put some difficult questions unto the manager! Good, glad to hear it! Brian will also see if he can get a referral made to another supported housing which offers help to people with mental health issues, which is actually very near to my home. Again, good, glad to hear that as well! Brian also told my son not to worry because eviction generally takes 4 weeks and it will go to court and the court may indeed over rule the eviction giving the circumstances and that my son was not actually breaking any rules of his tenancy! Exactly, glad to hear someone is actually up to speed on things and offering my son some support. Let us hope that he gets a place in this housing scheme which offers a  higher level of support and that the eviction does not go forward or get accepted so that my son does not have on his permanent record with the council that he has been evicted from a housing project.

All in all a good day really. Small victories in some ways, but very big ones in other ways.

                        

And for me, well I still feel like I have contributed to having messed up kids with big problems to deal with and we have to deal with them alone (again something I am responsible for) but at the end of the day, I can not change that now. I have tried and failed over and over and over again to help my children and provide for them a happy existence. I have failed myself in providing the lifestyle that I would have liked and have failed to provide a loving and nurturing family that consists of more than just one very over wrought mother. And I have failed in realising my dreams and finding love and friendship with someone who will be there for me when I need them to be. But then sometimes I feel the joy of a small victory! Sometimes I am awestruck by people's random acts of kindness! Sometimes I have a moment in which I do feel loved. And sometimes thanks largely to these other small and infrequent moments, I become more hopeful in the future and believe, even if just briefly, that things will indeed work out for us. I must remember the good times with special friends and of course my children, because there have been good times and I have spent time with good people. Everyone has their battles and as I believe and always have, we have to be there for others while they are suffering even if we are  suffering in our own battles. We can not become consumed in only our problems, we are always capable of giving, that is part of the beauty of being human!

                          

Thinking Of You....Out there!

So, I wonder who reads this blog and what do they think? I am fortunate to be able to see that people do read it! I have also had quite a few great comments, usually by a few of my loyal followers. I was wondering though, if there are other readers out there who can share with me their thoughts and their insights and perhaps even their own stories and viewpoints. It would be great to hear from you.

                                               

I can see on the statistically breakdown that my blog is read in many countries,from every continent, which I find so exciting and fascinating! I wonder how do those readers find the blog and do you use the translation and if so how useful of a tool is the translation? I am so fascinated by you guys out there! What are your impressions?

I write these entries in solitude in my living room, usually while my younger children are not here and my only company is my very affectionate and devoted pet cat Shadow! How amazing though is it to know that once I hit the "publish" key, people I have no clue about will be privy to my most innermost thoughts, fears and experiences!? I love that about this blog!

                                              


So please continue to read and if you haven't already, feel free to comment. Also if you know anyone who might be interested in reading my humble story of how my family has dealt with a variety of issues that relate to drug addiction please pass it on! I think my blog also speaks to others out there who might not have had a problem with addiction (whether their own or a loved one's), I think it also speaks to people who may battle with insecurities, depression, and question their decisions and their lives. It might speak to parents who have battles with their children, be they drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, exclusion....the list is endless.

So this is just a little hello to everyone reading and a BIG thank you! Comment and/or share, I am so grateful to you all! Have a great day!

                                     
                           

Lucky Me!

A few weeks ago, on the eve of our Mother's Day in the UK, I contemplated relationships in my post

 http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/friends-familyforever.html

and concluded that as a mother, my love for my children will be one thing that will last forever.

I thought that I would share with you all what a wonderful Mother's Day I had, the first one in a very long time!

My daughters came up with an amazing Mother's Day menu, which they shopped for and prepared themselves. I was treated to breakfast in bed, and I mean, real breakfast! We are not talking about soggy cereal, burnt toast and cold coffee, I was treated to delicious blueberry pancakes (made from scratch), fresh fruit (mango and pomegranate) and fresh brewed coffee!

After stuffing myself, they brought me up my laptop and told me to relax while they cleaned up! I then received a call from my son wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and said he hoped that his sisters did something nice, because I deserve it! He asked if it would be ok to drop by a card to me later. Full and content, I decided to have a nap!

Later I snuggled on the sofa with my youngest daughter (age 9) watching a film, "Oz, the Great and Powerful" and really enjoyed it with her. All the while, my other daughter was busy in the kitchen preparing my Mother's Day lunch. When she came in with a plate for me I was so amazed at what she created! My lunch was mini puff pastry quiches and a spinach and tomatoes salad!!!! I dug right in and was in food heaven! I had seconds, and thirds!! It was so exceptionally good, I was so proud of my daughter's talented cooking as well as so proud that they had both put in so much time and thought and effort into making me a special day! Lunch was followed by yummy chocolate dominoes, which were consumed before a picture could be taken!

As my girls cleaned up, I was told to relax some more and later my son came to visit. Though my older daughter is still uncomfortable with her brother, and indeed still does not want to see him, she was ok with it and just went up to her room. My younger daughter decided to stay and sit around the kitchen table with her brother and me and it was all very "normal". It was a short visit, but a very comfortable one. My son was not over intoxicated, though I am sure he had a smoke and a drink earlier in the day, he was lucid and behaved himself. He gave me a card and on the envelope it said, "To my brilliant mum". Inside was this most meaningful message:

"Happy Mother's Day to the best mum in the world!! Thank you for being so brilliant, helping me lots and just being around. Hope you've had a lovely day and that the girls did something nice, you deserve a treat. Love you lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox"

You can imagine how powerful his handwritten words to me were! This is the first time in years that my son has given me a card and with such poignant words as well, I was moved beyond words.

I dropped  my son back at his flat so he did not have to make the 45 minute walk, especially since it would become colder and darker during his walk. When I returned home, I had a card from my youngest and chocolates from both of my girls. My youngest daughter wrote this in her handmade card:

"Dear Mummy,
I love you lots and lots! I love you more and more each day! Have a great day. DON'T DO ANY WORK. Well, except make dinner. Ha ha ha. Happy Mother's Day. I love you and all your family does!"

My love for these children will definitely stand the test of time as well as the test of all that life has been giving us. After that most special Mother's Day, I know that their love for me will also last and withstand all the trials and tribulations.

I am one lucky woman, even though my family my not be traditional and far from perfect, even though my children and I have suffered and are still trying to recover, even though my son is a drug addict, I am still one hell of a lucky woman!

Positive and Grateful

OK, well life is hard, that we know. Life is challenging, oh yes it is! There are obstacles and barriers and sometimes everything seems to go wrong and nothing seems to go right. Some of us are in such a state very briefly in our lives and then we are back on track. For others, and yes myself included, it seems to be an ongoing struggle with one hardship after another.

                           

Today I am thinking, enough with the problems, they are still there and they will be there tomorrow, but for now, enough already.

Let's focus on what is good and what is working and what is right. We all have things that we can be happy and grateful about, I am sure of it. Sometimes we have to look very hard before we see what is right before our eyes. I want everyone to think of three things they are grateful for, even if they are amidst ongoing issues and a slaughter of problems and turmoil.

My youngest daughter and I have been keeping a "Grateful Book" since mid January. Some nights I struggle to find three things that I am grateful for because it is more challenging to try to think of different reasons and not just put down the same stuff over and over again. My older daughter tried once and quickly gave up. According to her it made her more depressed to be faced with the challenge because it made her painfully aware that there was in fact nothing for her to be grateful for. Well, I am delighted that after a conversation with me and her her counsellor she is willing to have a go at writing downs things she is grateful for.

                                                        

What am I grateful for? Well my list is varied and sometimes simplistic and sometimes more complex. Sometimes I am grateful that I provided a good meal for my daughters and myself. Sometimes I am grateful for things that give me joy in my life, such as music, food, friends, my sister, warmth etc. Sometimes I think I am grateful to have this blog (11, 480 views thank you everyone who is reading), I am grateful I am still sane and appreciate my ability to laugh, I am glad my son is alive, I am glad I am managing to maintain my health and that we have a home to live in with running water, heating and electricity. Of course I am grateful to be alive, but sometimes that is too much of a cliché because lets admit it, sometimes in our darkest days we are not actually grateful for that. I even come up with things like,  "I am grateful for my body and that I have all its parts and I can move with ease". There are things to be grateful for, yes there are, no matter how little or silly or superficial they may seem, we are definitely grateful for so many things and we must not loose sight of that.

Addiction is a horrendous disease that like no other disease, the person who is sick does not often want to be helped. Any other disease and we are running to the doctor and asking for help, for tests, for medication etc. I am suffering because my son is sick and his disease has left it's mark on the family. No one can give me a pill to cure it. No can can wave a magic wand and fix it all. As far as I know, no one has a time machine so that I can go back into time and change things for the better. What I can do is to stay positive and refocus my energies on making life better while realising that every day of my life has had an element of good in it.

So my son is not here living the life that I, as his mother, believe he should be living. That does not change the fact that I was and still am a very good mother. I gave so much love and nurture and good times to my son, and I know it is still inside him, somewhere.

I may not be living in the lap of luxury and instead experiencing great financial strains and worries, but I have never been homeless and I have always been able to feed my children and keep them safe and warm.

I may have had a very unhappy marriage and one that we probably both regret and, if honest, we would both admit that it was something that "just happened" and not as a result of a great love for each; however,  I know that at times in my life I have been loved and I have experienced love and passion, even if very briefly.

I may not have travelled as much and given my children all the holidays that I would have liked, but we do have some fantastic memories of some very good holidays and have been fortunate to see some beautiful places in the world.

I may not have created a successful career but I know that I am educated and have a good mind and a caring heart. I believe that I can turn this nightmare into a positive learning experience and reach out to others and offer support and empathy to other families out there who are torn apart from addiction. Also, I am sure that there is someone out there that will eventual be able to help my son when my son is ready..

I am VERY grateful for all of you who read my blog and comment and share your stories. I try to respond to all of you, but I am sometimes unable to as quickly as I would like. My blog means a lot to me not only because it is very cathartic for me and helps me express my situation and feelings in a safe environment, but it also gives me satisfaction that I believe it is doing some good. Also, as I have mentioned recently I started a Facebook Page offering support for families of addiction, and in just 3 weeks it has received 275 "likes". I am struck by how so many people need this support and really hope I can make a difference.

Thank you and remember to be grateful for something every day!


                      

Feeling Positive

Today all I want to say is that I feel that maybe this is the time when all the pieces will come together and we might actually find ourselves on the road to recovery! I say, "we" because we will all be on that road, not just my son. As a family we will need to heal and recovery and it will take time. I am not sure why I feel like recovery may be in our sight soon, but I do, for now.



I do not have any specific or significant events that has made me feel this way. It is a series of events and there still needs to be a lot of work and nudging to be done that is for sure.

Some of the things I feel good about are:
My son attending an appointment with his key worker at the drug and alcohol recovery centre.
My sessions with my support worker.
My meeting with the BRICK project (http://www.eypdas.org.uk/about-eypdas/our-services-for-children,-young-people-and-families/the-brick-project.aspx ) for the past 4 weeks.
My 5 mentor training sessions, with 13 more to go.
These last 3 have enabled me to have many discussions and meet some dedicated and caring people. One of the facilitators in the BRICK project said, it may be "fate" that has brought me to the project and the mentoring to find the right people who will help my son. Though we have tried in the past with agencies, doctors, support etc,  perhaps the time was not right and the "right" contacts were not made. Maybe now things are "right".



My daughter is open to starting her own journey to recovery by extending the help she receives by starting "Emotionally Resilient Group Therapy" provided my our local child and adolescent mental health services. This is in addition to her weekly sessions with her support worker. My youngest daughter for the first time ever has agreed to some school clubs so she now has things that will keep her busy and take the focus away from home and help build her self esteem.

Also my son has had a few very open and frank discussions with some professionals that might actually be helping him to see things more realistically. The threat of Social Services raising the stakes by possibly making this a Child Protection case is not a good thing obviously, but the fear it evokes can be used positively.



After walking away from a very unhealthy marriage and being a stay at home mom for the last 18 years, coupled with the focus on my son's drug usage for the past 6 years, I have become to feel very insecure about my abilities to succeed or perform or contribute to anything outside the family home. Actually even my capabilities as a mother has often been challenged over these last few years as a result of the addiction and the downward spiral of behaviour and  family relationships.

Ultimately, the more active I become the better I feel about myself as a person and as a mother. These factors provide me with a greater sense of hope that we will eventually embrace recovery. Comments such as, "You will be great as a mentor", "Your daughters are a credit to you for coping well and achieving at school", "You are doing very well and more than many parents would do" have allowed me to feel more positive. I can also see that there is one or two people we have come into contact with that really want to help us, because they really care.

Of course there have been things happening that aren't so great or positive, but do you know what? I don't want to think about those situations and worries today!

                                         
                                         
People can survive addiction and come out still having a loving family and a positive future, and we will be one of those.

Summer's End

Summer is over. Autumn is in the air. Kids are back in school in a few days. Hard to believe.



Did we even have a summer holiday? Well we had six weeks with no school, no routine, no schedule, no plans. Our summer was mostly court date, counselling sessions for my daughter, support sessions for me, police, trying to get my son to appointments, mentor interview, social worker, letters, phone calls etc.

Has anything been resolved? Has anything changed? No. It seems to have gone by in a haze. I feel it could continue like this indefinitely.

On the bright side court was successful. My friends and family have been very supportive and kind. We have had a few nice surprises that helped feed us with lovely food and keep us entertained as well! Tara has been fortunate to spend a few occasions with her friends and we have shared some fun times together. Tabitha has read like a true book worm eating her way through about 20 books, and loved every one! We have also been very fortunate in this country not known for it's good weather, to have had quite a bit of warm sunshine which allowed us to enjoy the garden and even get a bit of colour! Also we have had a rest of the rushing about of school life.

I have also taken a step to embark on a new venture in my life which transpired over the summer, the mentoring of someone affected by drug/alcohol abuse. Tomorrow my training begins. Tues and Wed are the 1st days back at school for my daughters. New things are beginning.

I do not know if my son will be fortunate enough to start any new beginnings or have any moments of realisation with the changing of the season, but I hope the autumn wind will help push him in the right direction!