Delayed Reaction

The day after my son overdosed I woke up tearful, I was tearful all day. Anything could randomly set me off. The simple and flippant usage of the word "die" was the worst though. To hear my youngest daughter say, "I died" when she lost in a game was torture to me and I had to tell her not to say that anymore, say anything else, even "I lost a life" was alright with me because I did not have to hear the word die, which was being repeated in my head over and over.... "he almost died".

I do not think I got dressed or if I did it was in the afternoon. I could not function and even though it was only 2 months ago, I seem to have lost a lot of my memories from that day. I suppose the stress was too high and I was in shock, maybe I blocked out my memories or perhaps I was unable to retain my memories in that mental state.

I do remember a volunteer from the support group I attend coming by unannounced, I was ashamed because I opened the door in my pyjamas and no make up. I can remember him saying he stopped by because he thought I could use a hug. Then while talking to him, the lead volunteer woman phoned me to see how I was. I thought I was fine since I  was talking perfectly fine about the previous days events, but somehow while I was on the phone and telling some more parts of the story I began to cry. My youngest daughter was in the kitchen with me and she swiftly went to get me a tissue to wipe my eyes and nose and smiled at me sympathetically.

I can not even tell you if I went out that day, if I spoke to my son, if I ate, if I fed my daughters, nothing. I think I must have been in a daze because all I remember is wanting to cry and scared that my son could have died. I could have been crying and mourning my loss, but instead I was not but I was so scared and therefor crying! Was I still going to lose him? Was he going to die? Was he going to die today or tomorrow or next week or next month or next year? I could not bare the thought. An even worse thought was that my fears were correct, I always feared this and it happened. Did this mean that since I also fear his death that that will happen in my lifetime? Please, no, that can not be! Please do not let life be so cruel!

Cruel. Ha, don't be so cruel. Was I telling life not to be cruel? That is very amusing because as many of us know life can be very cruel indeed. undeserved cruelty that life bestows on some of the less fortunate ones. I feel life is very cruel to us but then I also feel rather guilty for wallowing in our misfortunes because I know that life is much more cruel for some and I often fear that in the future I will also be one of those people that life has decided to be very sadistic to!

Somehow I can not recall that day yet I remember going upstairs around 10 pm and I began to call my son and there was no answer. I called repetitively making approximately 50 phone calls. With each call my heart beat slightly faster. With each call the tears welled up more and more. Should I go and check on him? Should I leave my daughters home alone late in the night? Will he have his keys in his front door so I can not get in. Will I need to call the police to knock his door down only to discover his dead, lifeless cold body? All these thoughts quickly raced through my mind as my heart sank more and more. I did not put on my clothes, I only put my jacket on over my pyjamas, slipped on my old sneakers and told my  older daughter that I had no other option but to drive out and check on him.

OH!!! As I am writing now a memory has resurfaced. I remember feeling horrible all day because I heard my son's voice in my head as he sadly told me that he didn't even get a hug when I picked him up at the emergency room! Yes, that haunted me all day.

As I drove late at night on the nearly empty highway, tears streamed down my face and my vision became so blurred that I feared my own life! I begun to imagine what my daughters would do if I died in a car accident. I imagined that my son was not dead, but because I drove over in such a state to see if he was ok, I killed myself in the process, which in turn devastated him so much he took an overdose and died as well and that my daughters would be damaged beyond repair! It is really amazing how many thoughts and scenarios and fears can flicker through your thoughts in such a short amount of time, minutes, seconds even and we have thought of so many horrible outcomes.

I tried to stop myself from crying so hysterically as I drove, but it was nearly impossible. I was saying out loud as I drove, "Please, please, let him be alive" I kept picturing myself running in and this time hugging him if he were alive. I could not get there fast enough.

I arrived. My heart stopped as I let myself into the building with my key and quickly went up the flight of stairs to his flat. This was one of the moments of truths....could I get in his flat???? It had happened in the past that I could not as he was in the same habit as I am that he locks his door behind him and leaves his keys in the door.

AHHHH I GOT IN!!!! GOOD.

Deep breath now, close my eyes for a second and then go in hoping with all my heart and soul that I will not find him collapsed somewhere.

The lights were on. He was in his bedroom sitting at his computer with his head drooping down, eyes closed and the right side of his tee shirt was drenched in saliva. But as I walked in his eyes opened wide! THANK GOD!!!!!!

I began to go went to him, crying, sobbing uncontrollably and he was so confused but I asked him to get get up and come over to me. We met each other in the middle of his bed room and I HUGGED him, I hugged him and hugged him and told him that I love him so much!!!!

We quickly tried to figure out what had happened. My son, as I mentioned, had drool all the way down his right side. He had a period of time he could not account for. His tongue was sore. We both concluded that he may have possibly had a seizure.

I got him a clean t-shirt, he freshened up and then we sat in his living room and talked. I was so HAPPY. He was alive, I hugged him, I told him I loved him and we talked about yesterdays horrific events and how terrible it was for both of us. My son did acknowledge that it was terrifying for me and he was very empathetic. He talked about "dying" and he told me that he does not want to die, but in a way it was "not bad" being in nothingness with no more pain or sadness. He sad that despite that he could never intentionally and knowingly cause me so much pain. I assured him that life is worth living and that we will make life better. It was a very nice talk and we hugged some more. I apologised for my coldness the day before and that I did not seem happy nor did I  hug him, but I explained that it was due to my shock and my fears. My son actually apologised as well for the previous days events, something I was not expecting because it was the furthest thing in my mind, because I did not blame him in the least. I blamed life!!!! I blamed the people who sell drugs on line and offer "free gifts". I blamed the cruelty of life and that it has made my son want to numb himself so much with drugs until he feels nothing. But I wont dwell on that now, I was actually happy that he was ALIVE.

I turned on the TV for him, he laid down on the sofa, I brought him a glass of water and covered him with a blanket and kissed him as if he were a child. Well, he is my child and I felt the simplicity of parenthood that it sometimes is, making the world right by tucking your child in bed and kissing him goodnight.

After a few more "I love you"s, I left, smiling, at 2 am and drove back home in the very darkness of night reassured that everything would be ok, for now.

The Darkness of Depression and Dysfunction

My son and I are both going through very difficult times and as it often happens when two people who are very close and are both struggling, they become the worst company for each other. Last week each conversation ended in hurtful words being thrown around and it was as if we wanted to cause each other more pain and suffering because we were hurting! One thing I said to my son, which hurt him profoundly and created such abusive anger in him was the following txt message:  "I have many of my own problems which you seem to disregard. You need to stop making me accountable for everything. I am not responsible for delivering your medication. Your main problem is your addiction which you keep failing to address." There were many txts before and after this particular one, but this one really hit a core with my son.

How dare I call him "an addict" (not my words, but his interpretation)? Not only an addict, but he added "just" as well, "you think I am just an addict", "all my problems are because I am just an addict", etc. Oh the abusive I got for that txt! I hit a nerve, that is for sure. However, I should quietly listen to being called lazy, stupid, crazy, bitch, whore, cunt, pathetic without a reaction. Such is the nature of mother/child relationships? No, definitely not the normal parent/child relationship here! Is it the normal conversation of addict and non addict? Possibly. Once again I think I can say that it IS the way dysfunctional relationships work.

Years of dysfunction and lack of control and lack of support has finally taken it's toll on me. I have almost always been able to cling on to a bit of hope, see something positive and hold on to the belief that the world is essentially a good place. Watching my life slip through my fingers and years stolen from me with nothing to show for it but grief and sadness is not a recipe for positivity. I have said it before that it is difficult for my children to be positive about their lives and their future when they see my life has been a struggle riddled with disappointments, heartache and obstacles.

Ironically however, amidst all the mutual depression wrecking havoc with our lives, that txt message sent in the middle of a txt message war did seem to provide something positive, even if it was fleeting.

A few days later we engaged in a long conversation via e-mail and these are some of my son's insights, which I can not help but wonder if it was a result of the "addiction" comment I made.


         " ... it gave me a new perspective, made me realize what I am doing is just stupid, that I am wasting my life and will be dead if I keep it up, and made me consider what I could do to change it, and reinforced the Ideas I already had (because I had one weak and one strong trip) from earlier  when I just took half, and the issues I had started to work through from the MDMA. "

        "  ..how stupid I have been/being and how I need to change ASAP or I won't have any sort of live whether I 
die or just continue like this."

        "What makes me really sad and ashamed is that, after reading the hospitals leaflet on I.M. (inter muscular injection) Lorazepam (a not so strong  benzo)  that they use to knock people out/sedate them, well, I wouldn't even feel it, and when I I.M. them (I.M.'ing Etizolam is the only thing that helps my back, does fuck all if I don't I.M. It) 

Anyway I am ashamed that what I IM, or just take daily, would have almost anyone knocked out for the duration of its effects. but me, I just get up after shooting 10-15mg (on top of my oral doses) Etizolam, as if I hadn't done anything, apart from a minute or two I feel pretty good (only if I am already real buzzed off just drinking them) or just have it relax my muscles and so help my back a lot.

Other people, what I take in a day, or more accurately, what I CAN take in a day, would have most people dead. Poppy Tea + Promethazine (v. sedating antihistamine that potentiates the opiates and stops me feeling sick on them) + alcohol + benzos + pregabs or Kava Kava, which is a pretty standard day for me, not always with the pregabs/kava, and I don't do the Poppies everyday, I'm trying real hard not to become physically dependant (I bought WAAAY too much)

anyway I bet that would kill 90% of non-tolerant people or just recreational users, and I don't even get much off it and am fine and am never falling asleep or having any signs that I might've had too much, I wake up the next day feeling absolutely fine (after a great nights sleep though!) and do it all over again, just probably with a slightly different combo/

It's disgusting and makes me ashamed of myself (so I take more to forget about that :| )

Thats why, now, I want to go to rehab."

That would be wonderful if my son could hold on to those thoughts, no matter how he eventually got to thinking about them. We continued to talk about the possibility of rehab and also how he would like me to help him find one. It was wonderful, though I knew not to get too excited and put my hopes up too high, it was a very good conversation indeed. My son actually found a ray of light in his darkness. He say the damage he was doing to himself and desired change.  

That conversation and moment of clarity and motivation for positive change took place on Saturday evening; however, by Sunday evening everything had change and my son just wanted to take a lot of drugs and drink vodka until he passed out. All because "friends" on Facebook were "taking the piss" out of him, though he did not want to elaborate. It beat him down and made him feel as he usually does; defeated, deflated, rejected, unliked, unloved, unsuccessful, lonely, pathetic, depressed, worthless and so on. In regard to "fixing" things and moving forward with rehab, well "there are no rehabs that would be accustomed to dealing his type of drug use". Also rehabs would require work, he does not want to do work. The doctors at rehab would take away the useful prescriptions he is on if he would be 100% honest about how he takes his medications as well as other drugs. He thought the only options for him was overdosing or making himself go crazy and going back into the mental hospital. When I tried to say that the mental hospital wont help because when he gets out he will have to adjust to a normal life all over again, he was very quick and very honest in his response, "I do not have a normal life now, I do not know how to live a normal life". Sadly that is very true.

My son is an addict. He is not the proverbial street junkie, but he is an addict. He is not and has never been a "functioning addict". My son does not and never did hold down a job or go to school or maintain friendships while taking drugs. He has never learned the life skills to live in our society. He has, I am ashamed to say, lived a very abnormal life since probably the age of  14 or 15. So at the age of 21 now, after living without friendships or social interactions since he was 16, being homeless twice, having a criminal record, three mental health hospital admissions and a serious drug problem, no he does not live a "normal" life and more importantly, has lived a very unhappy life. A person can live a life that is not considered "normal" or conventional and be very happy, my son has not been happy since he was a very young child. What a very sad realisation for the both of us.

So life goes one, day to day without change, without the knowledge of how to cope daily let along look at long term plans or change. Every now and then I see a flicker of hope in my thoughts, and maybe, just maybe he and I will get more and more flickers of hope until the flicker grows into a bright light fuelling us towards a brighter and indeed happier future because have both been beaten down too many times and we need, no we DESERVE happiness. My daughters need that happiness in their mother's and brother's lives because the cycle continues too much and they also become trapped in the darkness.    

Living in Fear

I had a moment this morning in which I though, "It is as if I am just waiting for my son to die". Terrible, isn't it? It is not a thing I want, it is not as if I am waiting for it eagerly. Obviously not. I am leaving in fear and that fear always makes me fear that, "maybe now is the time I will have my nightmares become reality". The fear paralysis me. If I am not doing something to spend time with my son, or feel like I am doing something to help him, I am petrified and immobilized!

                    

Yesterday I took my son to the bank and to Taco Bell. He was obviously high. I asked him on what, on heroin. It apparently is not a nice high he likes and he was slurred and sedated but still anxious and feeling "bad". I know that people can sense that there is something not quite right when they look at my son or he speaks to them. I am ashamed yet not ashamed at the same time. I enjoy his company, yet I am frustrated because it is not the company I most enjoy. I enjoy being with him, knowing he is safe and alive; however, I secretly wish that I was spending time in his "real" unaltered" company.

Last night I had numerous emails from my son. The police still has his phone so we can only communicate via email. The last email was at 4:45 a.m. confirming our plans for today. I was picking him up at 10:00 am, we were going out to breakfast and the going to One Support to discuss housing. http://www.onehousinggroup.co.uk/sites/default/files/Essex%20Floating%20Support%20service.pdf

I emailed him this morning saying that I will leave at 10:00 am but if he could please e-mail me when he woke, so I know he is awake and ready! So I waited til 10:20 am and then left home. When I arrived I buzzed from outside the building because it is a secured building and you need to buzz the tenants or office to open the door. I buzzed repeatedly about 30 times. I know what the buzzer sounds like since I have heard it before. It is loud and prolonged. I was getting increasingly anxious that he was not responding to these loud and persistent noises! I buzzed the office. They went to check on him. Well the staff member was upstairs for about 10 minutes. I was getting more and more scared. Imagining the staff giving him mouth to mouth and trying to resuscitate a limp and lifeless body. The body of my son. Why was he taking so long? Is he calling the police and paramedics? What was going on? I was feeling weak in the legs and the tears were welling up. The man came back down and he said that there is no one there! I said that is impossible. Did he go inside the flat? No he only knocked! I explained that my son was expecting me and he emailed me in the early hours of the morning and he would not have gone out and that he needs to go inside and check on him. He said he will go to the office and check the fob key records and see if he has left the building! I was left outside in the cold, as the cold inside me grew. I was crying by this point, the tears flowed freely, I felt my neck getting wet from their flow. Finally the man returned and said that he will go upstairs and go inside the flat! I continued to wait outside, fearing and imaging the worse. Finally, after what he seemed like an eternity he returned, smiling that he is ok, he is out cold, snoring in his bed, but out cold! I was relieved. He saw how shook up I was and I told him that I often fear that one day I wont have him in my life anymore. He offered me a cup of coffee and I sat in the office and chatted and when I was no longer shaky I left. He assured me that he would go up and see my son later and also tell him I was here.

                                      

As soon as I arrived home at 11:30 I emailed my son and explained what happened, in short omitting all my fears. I asked him to email me when he wakes up. It is now 2:30 pm and still no email. I have been sitting on my sofa with my laptop, looking at my emails vigilantly. I have had the TV on to create a feeling of life around me. I have mountains of chores to do but my fears continues to paralyze me. I should not allow this to happen because I still have my two daughters at home to care for...yet it seems impossible while my son is on the brink of oblivion.

                                            

The Battle of Positive vs Negative Thoughts Goes On!

Life is lovely! I try and I try and I try to become positive when I am down. I have my periods of sadness and over analysing and feeling that everything is and was and always will be crap, but I do try my best to get over it. Just 2 days ago I started to feel a bit more settled and I decided that I need to live in the moment more. If I am having a good day and  another person (be it a friend or a "friend") shares some time with me, then great! I will enjoy that day and that person for what I had with them in the moment and not care so much about who will be there for me tomorrow. I decided to make my life happier by consciously  turning off some of my emotions and some of my over-active brain. I believe I can do that and that it will help me to feel happier in the moment and perhaps that will bring forward some longer term positive change in my life.
                            
So then after I have had this conclusion and realised that I need to stop expecting more from the people in my life, the moment I start to think I will just enjoy what I have and relax, negativity starts to enter my life again! WHY?

My friend who I care about deeply finally contacts me with some bad news and intimated that we should talk. I fear I will be hurt with what he has to say, but I will push those fears and negative thoughts away and focus on positive thoughts. It is amazing how much happier I became just with the knowledge that I will be seeing him soon. I do not want to lose that little glimmer of happiness. I will focus on being happy that I will see him, talk and laugh with him. I will ignore my brain in trying to read between the lines and contemplating what dreadful things he may say and I will not presume that the outcome of our visit will be heartbreak. I will only focus on the happiness of seeing him when I open the door and forget everything else because there is no way of knowing what will happen until it happens.

Later that day my 14 year old daughter comes home only to off load a lot of negative energy and feeling unto me about the start of school. She was nearly in tears a few times. It was non stop: people don't like me, my friends are not in the same classes, the head of year scared us with how hard this year will be and expectations are high, I am obsessed with my breathing and if I can not hear myself breathing then I start hyperventilating, I am nauseous all the time, my stomach always hurts, I always have headaches, I was light-headed because I could hardly eat my carrot sticks at lunch, I hate my mutilated feet, I do not know how to talk to people, I am worried about finding work experience because we know no one, I do not like my teachers.......Later itt was painful to sit with her at dinner, all hunched downwards, meekly holding her food, head down, no conversation! What did I do wrong? How can I help? What can help? Why do ALL my children have issues? I screwed them all up! It is all on my shoulders.....STOP! I tried talking to her, it did no good, I excused her from the table when she was finished and hoped for better days! I can only hope for better days, be here for her to vent and suggest things and offer outside help.

Those were yesterday's little attempts to draw me into my over analytical mind that usually causes me distress. Today also had it's pull towards my racing mind with the endless question of "why". I spoke to my son at about 10 am and instead of the usual groggy voice of someone who rarely gets out of bed before the afternoon, I was getting with a very alert and energised voice. I first thought that is because he had an early morning appointment that I may have interrupted. So I proceeded to ask my son if I was interrupting anything. No, no, he is at home , he has been up all night cleaning, thanks to a little help he had. I know what that means, so I asked him OK then, what drugs did you take,

I was correct, his help was something known as ethylphenidate https://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showwiki.php?title=Ethylphenidate This was my son's "free gift" when ordering a large amount of etizolam https://www.erowid.org/pharms/etizolam/ Oh, what a nice website offering free gifts! Apparently my son received his benefit money Wednesday and he went to a lovely little Polish shop to buy his 95% Spiritus which if you look at the link it says, " the strongest spirit on the commercial market. Alcohol at this strength can be very dangerous if consumed to excess" http://www.thewhiskyexchange.com/P-9042.aspx  as well a six pack of beer before going to the library to use the computers and stumble upon the great deal (free gift) that was on offer with his favourite website for order his drugs!

                                               

Needless to say my son spent all of his benefit money on that day and since he only gets money every two weeks, I am sure I will get the "take pity on me" attempts for money and/or shopping! 

What baffles me is that he has done this after a trip to the emergency room the day before and he is not worried about his health. Well F*** ME, of course he is not! He is an ADDICT! He even said that as long as he has "problems" that he can only survive through with the aid of a "crutch" then so be it, it is not a bad thing because he is able to get by. Well I wanted to ask and I did that how is he really going to deal with the underlying peoples while using these "crutches" because the crutch negates the underlying issues that stops you from moving forward!? He had no answer, he merely focused on how great it is that he is buzzing on this research chemical he is consuming because his flat was a disaster and needed cleaning up because the management was on his case about it! The chemical is similar to Ritalin and the effects have been compared to cocaine so he has managed to stay awake, be motivated and energised! "Great stuff kiddo, proud of you for getting your flat cleaned up! Oh you took drugs to do it? That is ok, the main thing is you sorted out a problem that is a priority at the moment" OH, can you believe this is what my son thinks is the appropriate response when telling me about the crutch he used to get things done!?

Then started the insistent demands of when he could come over and "sorting out" his stuff so that he can sell them.Today? Tomorrow? "No? Why, what do you have to do?". He needs to sell stuff to have more money. More money to do what, well of course, buy more drugs and alcohol! No thanks! Then this led us down the road of "well whose fault is all of this anyway?".Oh, if only there was a drug to help the addict see the truth to these types of questions as well as the questions of  "how do I make my life better?" (not by taking more drugs). 

                              

Well I hung up the phone in the end. I will not take such abusive and negativity. I will not allow him to call the shots. I will not listen to his self destructive beliefs and actions. I will not be weighed down by his negativity. I will immediately cleanse myself of these triggers into self destructive thoughts by purging them into this blog post and move on with my day with a smile on my face. I will not spend the day worrying about my son's health and the dangerous game he is playing with his body. I will not become overly sentimental and  gloomy that come Monday my friendship with this man, who I do believe to be a good a good friend, will come to an end and feeling rejected as always. I will also not spend my day wondering what I have contributed to my daughter's unhealthy self beliefs and fears and irrational anxieties. I have acknowledge all these events to be true, but also beyond my power at the moment to change them, so I will be positive that life is essentially good and I can have a good future and so can my children and I will hope that these positive feelings and thoughts will lead me to more positive solutions and ideas....or maybe that is Bullshit, but hey, it is better than being down, right?

                                          

Educating The Young Homeless Addict

I met with my son in town for a cup of coffee today. He was 45 minutes late, but at least he was not intoxicated!

                            

My fear was always that if my son was ever homeless he would be exposed to more undesirable "things". I really never looked beyond the fear that he would turn to heroin and may accidentally overdose.

Funny, I did not think about the other "things" he would be exposed to. I suppose I feared the threat of heroin and possible overdose because I assumed my son would be scared and hurt and turn to heroin as a comforting  way to deal with his fear. I did not think that my son would just fine being homeless. He would like the people he was coming into contact with. He would listen to their tricks and think it is worth a go.
Oh how naive of me!

                                      
It is a provable statistic that crime and drug addiction has a high correlation, therefore why am I surprised that my son would turn to petty crime to support his habit? He has already broke the law in so many more complex ways. As I sat with him and he spoke of things, I was embarrassed that we may be overheard, I had a feeling of detachment as well as shame.

Under the pretense of wanting to see me and just sit and have a chat, it became clear there was more to it. He has no money. Will I give him enough money to tie him over till he gets his next benefit payment. "No, I am sorry I can't, you will have to ask someone else." "Dad has just given me £50 for Christmas and wont give me any more, and my friends won't give me money."

        

I will not give him any more. I helped him out with nearly £100 the first few days after moving out. His most loyal friend will not give him money because he has also learned that he would only be enabling him. His father has not helped for months and our son knows that  Dad is not a resource for him to tap into. My son receives benefits now, paid into his bank account each fortnight. I will help him budget that money, as I offered, but I will no longer do anything that is in any way enabling his addiction.

So ok then, he will have to start stealing "bigger stuff". Ahem, excuse me, "bigger stuff"? Well he has stolen a thermal head scarf, some ear phone cushions, AND, and I did not want to know any more. He told me of how one of the guys at the shelter told him how he steals wine, even though he doesn't like wine, it is the easiest to steal. He also found out that some chemists do not dispose of medicines properly and sometimes if you poke around their bins you can find some pills. Also around the University campus is also a good place to find blister packs of prescription drugs laying about. A homeless woman also steals from donations that are left outside Oxford and other charity shops. STOP. I do not want to hear any more.

I am listening to this is a small cafe with no other customers and the owner is sitting at the table right behind my son, he is not even trying to speak quietly. He talks about how the codeine syrup he bought yesterday broke when he dropped it. Then he says, that though upset, he was ok because he knew he had the codeine he extracted from some co-codamol he bought and that was back at the room. Upon returning he picked it up and spilled 2/3rds of it. Also his prescription for Atarax (hydroxyzine hydrochloride) is almost gone even though he had a new prescription filled on Jan 31st, 4 days ago. If the doctor intended him to be taking as many as he is, obviously he would have given him a larger prescription!


                          

He wants some money, because he is starving?! Hmm, funny how are you buying codeine and such? The homeless shelter only gives him one meal a day. Funny, a few days ago my son told me how he is eating so much better! 

Can we not just talk? No, at home everything revolved around drugs. Outside, everything revolves around drugs. Our relationship will not change until my son faces up to his addiction. I know that, now I need to wait for my son to come to that conclusion as well.

As we left the cafe, my son asked for a lift to a corner shop near my house even though he said he was meeting a friend near where the cafe is soon. Why? To buy a can of cheap cider. Oh I guess he is not entirely penniless. OK, upon getting into my car he pokes around the little place where I put change and keep my trolley pound, anything he can find to take.  There is nothing because I have learned to live with absolutely nothing left laying about would be potentially useful to my son.

His plan for the rest of the afternoon? Buy a can of cheap, strong cider. Go to the chemist and look behind the shop in their bins for any discarded medications. Go to maybe a few more chemists that he has heard from the other homeless people are relaxed about disposing of drugs. Try to remember to meet his friend. Go back to where the shelter is and possibly pop into the off license opposite and try to steal a bottle of wine. Get taken back to his accommodation and consume what he has successful obtained. Lovely skills son!

On the bright side, I am discovering that I am becoming stronger and stronger and letting go of the guilt and feelings of responsibility of my son's addiction. Never in a million years would I have been able to envision this situation 6 months ago. I have actually told and watched my son leave my home. He has become homeless. He is asking for "help" and I am saying no. I have turned him away in the cold night when he appears at my door unannounced intoxicated. I have told him to leave my house during a visit over the emotional and lonely holiday period because he broke the rules and lied. I have managed to do this all without tears, well, without too many tears, without breaking. I have managed to smile and laugh and go out and feel happy with other people guilt free. I will keep contact with my son, I will continue to advise him and love him, but I will no longer let his choices destroy 4 lives. I accept that my choices were not the best and in some ways my choices contributed to his unhappiness, but it was his choice, not mine, to use drugs to buffer his sadness or dissatisfaction with life. I am here to help, along with others, when he is ready.

Actually, my son may be learning new "skills" at the moment that I am not proud of, (but again it is his choice), but I am learning new skills as well on how to be stronger and happier and still remain supportive. I am showing my daughters that life does not only go on, but it can get better. In the end I hope that one choice my son will make, is the choice to seek help and the choice to start on the road to recovery. I also hope that when that day comes and he is enjoying more sober and enlightened days, he will look back and see who was there for him and see how much we have all grown.

                                  

Pondering My Life

Looking back on not only this past year, but all of my life, and I wonder why things went the way they did. I suppose part of it is "normal" middle age crap some of us feel. The feeling that we wasted our life, the wanting to be young again. Why didn't I pursue a career, why did finding my one true love elude me all my life. Why wasn't I braver to do the things I wanted to do. Of course the, "why did so much shit happen to me" question is running through my mind as I look back.

                                 

It was a big step I made in my mid 20's when I decided to leave my friends and family in California as I pursued my dream of finding myself and the place I was meant to be. I left everything and packed some of my life in 2 suitcases, and along with my dog I boarded a plane to Budapest. I stayed with my grandmother hoping to do some nice things for her, spending some time together and learning about my family's history. I also hoped that I could do a bit a traveling from Budapest and maybe find that elusive place that I believed was where my fate lay.

Things didn't work out with my grandmother as I envisioned, but it was still memorable. I managed a few trips; Paris, Vienna, London. My first impression of London was not one that I expected, but my fears and insecurities overcame me. I thought that at least I would not have to struggle with a new language, therefore it would be easier. I kind of chickened out in respect to the whole living the bohemian travelling life style and living in new lands. I stayed in England.

                            

The people in London were not as hip and cool as I had dreamed. The people of London were not so nice. The people of London did not really notice me, especially the men. Maybe that is why when I met my ex husband and I saw he was taken with me, I went with it even though I was not attracted to him what so ever, and I never fell in love with him, I grew to love him.

Within two months of meeting my ex, I went to stay with him, temporarily, but never left. Six months later I was pregnant, and ironically just before I discovered my pregnancy, I confessed to my ex that London was just not doing it for me and I was thinking of leaving. I did say, mainly out of guilt and to soften the blow, that he is welcome to come with me. He did not seem too perturbed by my desire to leave and he most definitely did not want to leave England, Oh why didn't the light shine bright for me then, "this man is not for you, go girl, go and follow your dream"?

                             

The day I took my pregnancy tests is still very clear in my memory, nearly 20 years later. I cried tears of joy. I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself out loud, "you are going to be a mommy"! I planned a special evening for a few days later in which I would tell the wonderful news to my ex. We were in a lovely London restaurant, Belgo. There we were eating our delicious bowl of mussels on a busy Friday night. I told him the news and he reacted very badly and it made me cry, it made me leave the restaurant. We had a filmed booked at a nearby cinema and though both of us were upset, we still saw it, "Four Weddings and a Funeral" God what a poor choice of films that was! Again, where was the bright light, telling me to leave!? Not the reaction I wanted or deserved and certainly not the rejection our baby needed!

Many such situations occurred in our relationship. Endless fighting during my pregnancy that this is not what he wants or that he does not want to end up like his parents, blah, blah, blah. There were times when I walked out and he didn't come after me. It is too painful and humiliating to think of all the examples of in this loveless relationship. Maybe there was a light going off in my head then telling me that this is not the romantic dream that I was searching for. This is not the reason I left my home. This was not something that was making life worth living. Maybe then I was a coward and I did not leave when I knew I was not happy and this what not what I wanted. This was not what I deserved. Maybe I was too scared, too alone, too proud to admit I had screwed up.

They say to talk to your baby when you are pregnant, to play soothing music, to love it and nurture that child from the very moment you know about that life growing inside you. I wonder how my stress, my tears, my fears and the sounds of his mother and father fighting because of him affected him. I wonder could that have made an imprint on my sweet innocent little boy's mind and heart while still in my womb? Was my baby born with a sense of sadness and emptiness? Is that possible?

                                      

Out of this relationship we bore three wonderful, beautiful children, I know this. Out of even the worst experiences we can find something wonderful. However, did this have a negative impact on these children? Of course it did and that is what I find hard to accept. The fact that I choose the wrong path, wasted my youth and beauty, helped create the hell I am in is one thing, but to know I dragged three innocent children into this mess is another thing all together. I should have made different choices. My life would have been different. My children would have been different, but then it is pointless to have such thoughts. Life did not go according to my dreams and hopes and aspirations. Live with it! This is the path, for whatever reason, and while I contemplate how the hell I got here, it lets me move to the next level of how the hell can we improve life? Maybe some of my dreams lay waiting in front of me still,  yet to be realized!

                              

Feeling Positive

Today all I want to say is that I feel that maybe this is the time when all the pieces will come together and we might actually find ourselves on the road to recovery! I say, "we" because we will all be on that road, not just my son. As a family we will need to heal and recovery and it will take time. I am not sure why I feel like recovery may be in our sight soon, but I do, for now.



I do not have any specific or significant events that has made me feel this way. It is a series of events and there still needs to be a lot of work and nudging to be done that is for sure.

Some of the things I feel good about are:
My son attending an appointment with his key worker at the drug and alcohol recovery centre.
My sessions with my support worker.
My meeting with the BRICK project (http://www.eypdas.org.uk/about-eypdas/our-services-for-children,-young-people-and-families/the-brick-project.aspx ) for the past 4 weeks.
My 5 mentor training sessions, with 13 more to go.
These last 3 have enabled me to have many discussions and meet some dedicated and caring people. One of the facilitators in the BRICK project said, it may be "fate" that has brought me to the project and the mentoring to find the right people who will help my son. Though we have tried in the past with agencies, doctors, support etc,  perhaps the time was not right and the "right" contacts were not made. Maybe now things are "right".



My daughter is open to starting her own journey to recovery by extending the help she receives by starting "Emotionally Resilient Group Therapy" provided my our local child and adolescent mental health services. This is in addition to her weekly sessions with her support worker. My youngest daughter for the first time ever has agreed to some school clubs so she now has things that will keep her busy and take the focus away from home and help build her self esteem.

Also my son has had a few very open and frank discussions with some professionals that might actually be helping him to see things more realistically. The threat of Social Services raising the stakes by possibly making this a Child Protection case is not a good thing obviously, but the fear it evokes can be used positively.



After walking away from a very unhealthy marriage and being a stay at home mom for the last 18 years, coupled with the focus on my son's drug usage for the past 6 years, I have become to feel very insecure about my abilities to succeed or perform or contribute to anything outside the family home. Actually even my capabilities as a mother has often been challenged over these last few years as a result of the addiction and the downward spiral of behaviour and  family relationships.

Ultimately, the more active I become the better I feel about myself as a person and as a mother. These factors provide me with a greater sense of hope that we will eventually embrace recovery. Comments such as, "You will be great as a mentor", "Your daughters are a credit to you for coping well and achieving at school", "You are doing very well and more than many parents would do" have allowed me to feel more positive. I can also see that there is one or two people we have come into contact with that really want to help us, because they really care.

Of course there have been things happening that aren't so great or positive, but do you know what? I don't want to think about those situations and worries today!

                                         
                                         
People can survive addiction and come out still having a loving family and a positive future, and we will be one of those.

Choices

Sophie's Choice always comes into my mind whenever I feel like I am being put in a position that I must choose between my son and my daughters. It may be unfair and over dramatic statement, but when I saw that film I cried watching Sophie being put in a situation to choose between her children. At the time I was not a mother, yet I felt my heart strings and all my maternal instincts being painfully torn! Obviously I am not in such a torturous and hopeless situation as Sophie, and it is not which one of my children will live or die that I must decide, but in all honesty, I might as well be. I feel I am choosing who I love more, and I believe that that is how my children feel. This is what I feel in my heart.



My intellect is beginning to understand that our life is not so simplistic as our emotions sometimes lead us to believe. I must try to be less emotional and more logical. Not always an easy task for a mother!

I need to keep my eyes open and focused on the damage being down to my daughters and to myself, not because of my son, but because of the situation that his addiction has created. No child should have to be brought up in a home in which there are drugs, emotional abuse, constant tension, depression, fear, vulgar language etc.

Recently it has hit me hard that instead of thinking that my son has been suffering from his dependency on drugs for the last 5 years, I have been deeply saddened by my realization that my youngest daughter has been living amongst this dependency and its fall out for 5 of her 8 years!! That hurt me and made me feel I have let her down. I have let them all down. I can not regain her childhood, I can not regain my son's adolescence. I can not regain the years my middle child has lost during this battle either. I can however, prevent more years being lost, maybe not for all my children, but for two of them.



This still causes me great distress. Secretly I often wish I was not in this alone, so that I would not be the only one who has to shoulder all the responsibility. I also fear that that is a sign of weakness that I can not find the courage and strength to make these very difficult decisions alone. That will not change though, I can not bring my parents back from the dead, I can not wave a magic want and presto have a wonderful, loving, supportive man by my side and I can not transport my sisters from the other side of the world to be with me here. As long as I am scared to make tough choices, the more years my children and I will loose.

My key worker at the drug clinic will only have one or two more sessions with me before the allocated number of sessions are finished. And as she herself said, I have not really moved forward in that time. I am still stuck, we all are, stuck in our life in the life we have lived too long and do not know how to live otherwise.
She asked me what I wanted out of life, I really did not answer the question well but later realised that what I want out of life is for my children and I to ENJOY life, and none of us enjoying life at the moment, not at all!

Addiction damages the family, not just the addict. Who is to say who is suffering more? We are all suffering, but suffering in different ways, for different reasons. Maybe the better question would be, who can be helped? Who wants change? Who is going to make some steps to make those changes?

This article seems appropriate
http://www.nacoa.org/pdfs/the%20set%20up%20for%20social%20work%20curriculum.pdf
I like the way it says that the addict and the family need to learn in "recovery is rewiring their body/mind
systems to be able to tolerate increasing amounts of emotional and psychological pain without
blowing up, shutting down or self medicating".

At the end of the day my maternal instinct tells me to do everything for my son, make him want to recover, be persistent and keep reminding him he needs to get better. Yet my logical side tells me that no matter what I do or say, if the addict is not ready to face their demons and have concluded on their own that they HATE their life so much and everything that has resulted from it, that they will do anything it takes to get better, no one can make it happen. I have heard it from others, and I have heard the little voice inside my head, "The addict must WANT to put an end to their addiction"...that voice is getting louder and one day it will over power the other voice in me that cries, "my baby, my poor baby".

Drugs on the Brain

We all know that addiction to drugs and/or alcohol can have detrimental affects on the addict's mental and physical health. Long term abuse can lead to a damaged brain and liver as well as a damaged life. This is particularly true in brain development if the addiction started in adolescents. Recently I have been reading some articles that say the adolescent's emotional development stops at the time when their addiction begins. Others believe this to be untrue, while of course they do not deny the developing brain is damaged, the damage maybe restored since the brain continues to develop until 24 years of age. I certainly hope that the damaged can be repaired because this is my latest fear for my son.

I have been trying to research more on the damage caused to the developing brain, yet when I do it is hard to ascertain exactly what damage my son may have done to his brain since he has been using natural opium in tea form for many years, not heroin, and most of the research on brain development and substance abuse in teens are centred around cannabis and/or alcohol. Also he has been using so many other drugs, most of them depressants, that I imagine that would make the damage more likely to happen. I am familiar with the risks these combinations have, primarily on respiration, and can cause death by respiratory failure, but not so much about what it is doing to his brain.



My concern recently was my son's mental health due to brain development and possible damage. Now I wonder if it is mostly chemically induced, and temporary, since the behaviour I was concerned about the past week (being extremely withdrawn, placid, not eating, etc) changed dramatically yesterday because his substance changed. Apparently he took some buprenorphine which he was stashing away when he was on the drug replacement program, and when I commented to my son how I had been concerned the few days because he was so withdrawn but now he is aggressive again, he confessed that that is because he was heavily sedated on several different depressants the last week. However, even with her mood swings, there seems to be an underlying  feeling of "something is not quite right" with him any more. Of course this is not even mentioning that even the most "healthiest" of use would start to develop some signs of mental health issues if we had virtually no one to talk to, no social interaction, no life outside of our bedrooms etc!



Despite how the different substances alter may son's temporary behaviour, I am still concerned what long term damage he has done to himself. Not only on his brain development, but on his emotional development since he has lead a very unnatural adolescence and therefore I fear that my son has not developed as he "should have", which in turn makes it even harder for him to deal with the fear of changing his life from what has been his norm all of his adolescence.

Habit and the Hard Wiring of the Brain

As self help gurus are quick to point out, if you do something for long enough it becomes automatic. Nowhere does this wisdom more hold true than in adolescence. Though teens may change clothes, ideas, friends and hobbies with maddening frequency, they are developing ideas about themselves, their world and their place in it that will follow them for the rest of their lives. Adults may spend years trying to create or break even the simplest habit, yet most adults find that their most profound ideas about themselves and the world were developed in high school or college. This is because, by age 25 or so the brain is fully developed and building new neural connections is a much slower process.

- See more at:   www . samafoundation.org

Maybe there is still hope since he is only 18!

Why I Blog?

The last few days I have been wondering why am I writing this Blog? Is it because I feel sorry for myself and desire sympathetic comments? No, not really. Is it because I am being self righteous and want everyone to believe that I am the perfect parent who has been given a raw deal? Absurdity! Is it because I want to portray addicts as bad people who have nobody but themselves to blame? Absolutely not. Do I want to preach? No I do not. Do I want to feel like I am the victim of my son's addiction and mental issues. No, I think we are all victims but also we are trying to find solutions to put an end to that.



Do I enjoy writing and need a productive outlet for the unbelievable amount of perplexing and intense emotions I am being overloaded with? Absolutely, I need a way to organise my thoughts and life events in order to stay focused and sane. Am I writing to let parents know that any one can become an addict and we are not alone. I need a way to vent and ask questions as well, since I do not have others in my life who can identify with our plight. I do not attend ant AL-ANON meetings because the timing of those meetings do not suit me, so here I can achieve similar support. I wanted to start the blog also in the hopes of getting advise or hearing other people's stories on how addiction affected them or their family. Ultimately, as corny as it sounds, I started writing this blog to help myself, maybe help others and hopefully find a way to help my son.



I do not think their is any preaching or victimising going on here. I do not think that I am ignorant or conservative with regard to drugs and addictions.  I most certainly do not think I am the  perfect parent, there is no such thing. Do I think my son is a horrible human being and I would be better off without him? Well, I hope my pain is evident that that is certainly not so.

When I said earlier that I was hoping to get advice and support, I wasn't only hoping for comments from people living or have lived with an addict, I was also hoping and wanting to hear from addicts and hear their views. One thing that my son accuses me of is true, I do not understand what it feels like to be an addict. This may be very obvious for addicts who may have read my blog and I do not mean to be upsetting in any of my remarks. However, one of the things that my son also does not understand is what it feels like to be a parent of an addict, especially such a young addict and being an observer to his downward spiral right before my eyes. The fact that he was my pride and joy and I never had a bad thing to say about him, I adored him and he was such a loving and giving and happy boy and now I feel he is lost, as I am sure he feels he himself is lost, is a pain my son can not understand at the moment. Though at the moment my son's world revolves around his addiction he does also not understand that I can no longer have my world revolve around him, I have two younger daughters aged 13 and 8 who need me and who also deserve to be living in a more nurturing and happy environment than the one they are living in now. Ironically the more I try to explain this to my son, the more rejected he feels and the more hated he feels from us all.



Perhaps I do not write a very positive  blog. Perhaps I do not offer information backed up by facts, research and statistics. One thing I do offer though is my honesty, my raw emotions, my day to day upheavals as well as informative aspects that we have learned first hand (i.e. the importance of good male role models and their absence, how abusive and addictive behaviour patterns are repeated within families, how any substance can be obtained over the internet, how to make opium after buying poppy pods etc.).

I am writing my blog as my children and I are living this horrendous life of addiction and one day I hope I can write on how we overcame addiction. While I was pondering why I write, I was also wondering if I should continue. I will continue, so in the meantime, I write as life happens and at the moment it is a roller-coaster ride! Please bear with me and keep your comments coming because I appreciate all of them!

My Day in Court

Well as I have mentioned in previous posts, a great concern of mine recently was my upcoming court date regarding the repossession of our home.



When it became abundantly clear that the father of my three children, really did not have any intention on preventing his children becoming homeless, I realised I needed to do what I could...and QUICKLY!

My aunt in Hungary even attempted to contact the grandparents. They said nothing even resembling concern for their grandchildren possible eviction of their family home, and in fact said they have had no contact with their own son for two years now so it is out of their hands.

I worried more than I thought possible. I discovered a fear I have not felt before. I had people saying that perhaps this could work to my advantage and losing the house may be a blessing in disguise. I would after all loose the last material connection to my ex husband. I could move and leave the memories and the burdens behind....move once we got accommodation in a council house and living in emergency shelters in the meantime! No, I do not have the strength or the desire to do that now and the stress of it all would have been overwhelming given all our other stresses!

So, I began making even more copious amounts of phone calls, visiting advice centres, sending documents etc. I also took out money from the bank every time I received any money, stashing it away, so it would not be spent. This of course meant no gas in the car, another visit to the food bank, not spending at all except for the bills being paid. I took almost half of my child maintenance money out knowing we would continue to eat plain pasta or rice for another few weeks. It would be worth it if I could manage to keep our home!

I also hounded the Department of Work and Pensions to stress that my application for financial assistance simply must be finalised BEFORE my court date. Despite all the complaints people make toward dealing with government agencies, I always spoke to nice people and on Friday, the last working day before my Monday morning court date, I had a wonderfully helpful woman who actually phoned me regarding my application. It seems the decision on my application could not be made without completing a supplementary form! However, this helpful woman, understanding the urgency of my predicament, got the form up on her computer, asked me the questions and typed them in. She said they would call me back in an hour with their decision. They actually did call me back in an hour with a positive outcome! Obviously, I would not have the confirmation letter to produce in court, but I would have relevant information such as the amount which will be paid, when the payments will start being made to the lender, and the date the claim will cover from. I was tremendously relieved!

I then rushed to the bank and made a payment of half the mortgage arrears. I received my receipt and rushed home to make more phone calls.

I called the mortgage company and told them about the outcome of the application for financial assistance as well as my payment toward half the arrears. Then I called the mortgage company's solicitor and explained to them the latest developments as well. They said there might no longer be a need to go to court, the will confer with the bank and phone me back.....My heart stopped. I hoped and prayed! I crossed everything I could possibly cross! I so desperately did not want to go to court! Could this even be possible? Will I be spared going to court??? Unfortunately not! Court would need to go ahead, but I was somehow not so worried about the outcome. Ironically, I was more terrified of having to be in the same space as my ex husband while he would glare at me and make me feel stupid and useless.

I asked a friend to attend court with me to give me moral support, as well as knowing that if I was not alone my ex husband would not approach me, yet if I was on my own he would and do his best to intimidate me and make me feel like crying!



Much to my relief, but also to his own damage, he did not appear in court!

I asked to speak to the solicitor representing the bank and we had a positive discussion of what I have managed to put into place. He said I showed good faith and that along with the financial assistance I would now be receiving the remaining arrears would be paid off in a few short months.

Thankfully the judge was extremely fair and sympathetic. He actually questioned if we had to proceed but the bank was firm that it was more to do with the length of time I was "ignoring" the problems concerning the mortgage.

The judge respected my devotion to my children and how I lost track of all other matters. He wished me luck with the problems with my son, he reminded me not to neglect the mortgage again, and then he suspended the possession order!



Both  the solicitor and the judge were unimpressed by my ex husband, a teacher in a senior position in a Catholic girls school,  being irresponsible in respect to his parental responsibility to maintain the safety of his children. However, at the end of the day, that was not the concern of the court on that day, it was the mortgage. Since we are both named on the mortgage, we are jointly liable, and if one party refuses to cooperate, the bank can do nothing except pursue the other party.

To be honest, I was happy, even though it was not a HUGE success story, my day in court did mean that I managed to keep us in our home without the help of the grandparents or my ex husband!  I was seen as the responsible party in the eyes of the law!  I was the one showing good faith.  I was the one protecting my children. And above all, I did not have to see my ex husband....HAPPY DAY!

Fear

Sometimes you find yourself in testing times. The thing is I have been finding myself in testing times for a good number of years, but recently I am feeling the intensity of the pressure more than ever. Any more and I am afraid the walls might come tumbling down around me!



 The situation with our home is unbearable and at times I think almost comical. A multimillion pound bank is taking me court to repossess my home over a sum of £1, 600.00? Seriously? OK, I will do what I can, and I was hoping that what I was doing would be enough for the court hearing to be called called off, but unfortunately what I am doing is not good enough and I will have to face the court on Monday.

Also, if I was not so angry I would laugh at the ludicrousy that my ex husband is not accepting any parental responsibility to ensure his children's safety. What is more, you would expect that legally they would pursue that avenue more,  especially since he earns a very good living as a senior teacher in secondary education. Is that not funny? He is a teacher, and he has no empathy for his own children?! I am not asking for him to "take care of us" but I am saying, I am willing to do my part, and he should do his part, so together we can care for our children.



I also think it is sadly amusing that as a university educated woman, I am unemployed and on state benefits because I wanted to be the best mother I could be and for me that meant staying at home. So after a long period of being that say home mom, when my husband and I separated and our youngest child was only just 3 years old, I continued to stay at home until she was in full time education. When she was, the troubles with our son was in full swing so getting back into the work force was out of the question. So here I am, an intelligent woman who is finding the modern world of employment daunting and also quite difficult to penetrate. Consequently, I am still on benefits.

Is this the life I imagined? Surely not! Is this the life I want for the future? Absolutely not! Can I change it? I hope so and I will try.....one problem at a time.



This is why I feel the pressure is getting unbearable. There are too many serious issues that need my attention, now, right now! There is no waiting for, "one problem at a time".

I am scared. I am scared of court. I am scared we might loose our home. I am scared about seeing my ex husband glare at me and try to belittle me in front of the judge. I am scared that they won't care what I have to say. I am scared that my son is non pulsed by my impending court date, but then I should not expect a rational reaction from him. I am scared that my son has not taken my letter seriously and insists that it is all b.s. and that he is not going to rehab nor is he moving out. I am scared that I have put a time frame in the letter and if I do not stick to my guns, he will never ever take my words seriously. I am scared my son will never want to go into recovery. I am scared that my son and I will never be able to repair our once special relationship. I am scared that he is being abusive to me and I have an abusive and controlling "man" in my life after trying to escape from one. I am scared that my daughters are being subjected to all of these fears, worries, stress and abuse and they may not be able to deal with it. How do they cope? What is there outlet? I am scared things will get worse and not better. I have never been so scared and I don't know what to do about it!



Now I have something more to be scared about.......

While writing all hell broke loose in my house once again .....this time I said inside, "enough is enough"! I am not the "horrible woman" my son says I am and his sisters and I are not f****** c****. You can not be verbally threatening and abusive and throw water on us and what ever else is to hand. I will not let you treat us like this because you are unwell and unhappy!



I phoned the police and he has been taking to the police station to be arrested and I hope that he will have a chance to examine why this happened, what it is like to be arrested, and see that his actions DO have consequences! What will happen next? I do not know. I hope I have not made things worse, but this is one of the problems that needed dealing with...and I did.

"My son, no matter what has happened to cause you pain and suffering, you will not be able to heal yourself if you subject others to pain and suffering. I love you, but I will not allow you to hurt your sisters and disrespect me any more."