Dysfunction, is it Our Addiction

The term addiction is defined as:  the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity. Synonyms are: dependency, craving, habit, weakness, compulsion, fixation, enslavement. When I think of what is the biggest benefit an addict has when using, I would have to guess it is the immediate satisfaction they feel from the high, but the high may come from a variety of substances or behaviours. Most common addictions society thinks of, are of course drug and/or alcohol addiction, yet there are so many other types. On Wikipedia it did surprise me the types of addiction they refer to: substances, gambling, eating disorders, cell phone use, internet/computer use, tanning and exercise. In my opinion there are  so many other behaviours that can become an addiction, but the one I want to focus on is not the one that led me to write my blog in the first place (substances) but rather, I would like to consider self harm as an addiction, which many organizations have already acknowledged it as such.

                                           

On the "Addiction Care" website, they offer help from a far more extensive range of addictions. They cover alcohol and drugs but also: Gambling, Sex, Co-Dependency, Eating Disorders/Compulsive Over Eating/Bulimia, Spending, Exercise, Internet/Gaming, Work, and Self Harm. On the website they explain that:

Self-harming does make people feel better; the act releases endorphins, a brain chemical, which can bring on a sense of well-being and relaxation. Self-harm can be a way to get a release from intense emotions that can seem overwhelming and impossible to survive. A self-harmer might typically cut, burn or scratch themselves. The objective of self-harm might be to quell intense rage or anger or even to distract themselves from other physical pain.

Self-harming becomes addictive because there is a feel good factor. It appears to work. But of course the need to cause injury to oneself escalates.

I sometimes think that my daughters self harming is her addiction and she is getting the same sort of release from her self harming as my son gets from substances. She started self harming when her brother lived her and there was a lot of chaos and anger in the home. She has continued off and on though and many times we think she has "overcome" this problem, she then begins again. Her self harming started with scratching her head until it bled, then cutting, and then she began burning herself. The marks and scars on her are many. I was the most distressed by the burning since they eventually left large scabs that she would then pick. After the burning, blistering, healing, picking, process she would be left with these marks/scabs that resembled craters. No matter how many times I would search her room for sharp objects and matches, she would find a way, especially since all she would need is to break the blade out of a pencil sharpener from her school bag to start cutting again. I would hide knives, matches, scissors, etc but it got to the point where I would feel it is never enough because there will always be something I had not thought of. Even if there were no "tools" to harm herself with, she always had her fingernails to scratch the bloody skin off of her scalp. Just as my son would always find a way of getting his hands on any substance that would sedate him.

                                           

I understand how this could be classed as an addiction and interestingly enough my daughters behaviour at home is much like her brothers was in the sense that they seem to have addictive personality type behaviours. I am referring to some behaviours/feelings  that fits into addictive personality traits such as:

• Need for immediate gratification, 
• Low self worth.
• Mood swings.
• Social alienation and loneliness.
• Constant stress and/or anxiety.    
• Inability to control impulsive behaviour.

Also, her behaviour with me when she wants something is very much like the behaviour of her brother, an addict. She can be extremely:

• Manipulative.
• Controlling.
• Dishonest.
• Angry and threatening.
• Relentless.

Then I began to realise that my daughter also seems to have a lot of attention seeking behaviours as well, but in a completely different way to my son's. Of course, both my son and daughter craved attention and love and acceptance in one way or another, as all human beings do. Sometimes seeking other people's attention and approval can manifest into a disorder as well. One of the theorised characteristics of people with attention seeking disorder is that they also look for immediate gratification in situations. In relationships they tend to use emotional manipulation on one level but displaying dependency on another level. There are many incidences when my daughter's behaviour is not in the realms of an attention seeking disorder, but are most definitely a young person trying to get attention! Of course we can also argue that the reason much of my daughter's behaviour mimics my son's is due to learnt behaviour or possibly even genetics.

Some people may argue that most of my concerns for what my daughter does or has done is ALL attention seeking. Self harm, an overdose suicide attempt (which she immediately induced vomiting), complaining of constant pains and generally feeling unwell, issues revolving around food and eating, refusing to go to school,  changing her mind on her sexuality more than once, refusing to cover up her neck and chest when covered in hickies, and others. Writing them down, I feel it unlikely that they are ALL attention seeking behaviours, but some I feel are. As I said though there are people out there, both professionals and lay people who I know would shake it all off as attention seeking.

                                             

Maybe the simple truth is that my children, the first two in particular grew up in a dysfunctional family in which impacted on their self esteem and sense of self worth which lead them to seek gratification in less traditional or socially acceptable ways. Perhaps they both suffer from the lack of a positive male role model and in fact rather than having NO male role model, their role model negatively affected their emotional development. Alongside this there was little, if any, extended family or social support system to help offer these children guidance, love and acceptance. In addition to this, the main female role model was emotionally and financially controlled, and though she loved and praised and praised her children it was not enough to alleviate the tensions and inequalities within the family. Perhaps her self doubt and frustrations overshadowed her trying to be a positive and loving mother she was/is. Perhaps these children, a product of an unhealthy and to some extent forced union, were just confused and ill prepared for life and they have tried to help themselves along in the only ways they found that worked for them.

                                             

Whatever the twisted and complex reasons that we are who and what we are, and why we have become this way we may never be privy to, and in some ways it is irrelevant. I can only try to help myself become a better person, stopping bad habits and fears and insecurities influence me and rather seek out positive people and positive solutions to better my life and my children's lives as well. I must try to stop the cycle of negative learnt behaviour and dysfunction. I will continue to love them and support as well as become frustrated with them and even angry with them, but at the end of the day I want them to learn that they ARE worth it and they deserve happiness and a healthier way of life. Maybe we have all become  used to and addicted to dysfunction since it has been our way of life for so long, but it is not what I am compelled to do, it is not my natural self,  I long for a life in which I can truly be myself living with the family I feel robbed of. Dysfunction and addiction have messed up my plan, damn it, and I want to find the power to reclaim my dream and make my kids believe in dreams too!

Love, love and more love.

Not really focused on addiction today. Not really wanting to be logical or thought provoking about the way drugs and alcohol took over my family's life and all the repercussions of that. Nor do I want to intellectualise the possible reasons why my son or anyone becomes an addict. Tonight I just want to write. I want the cathartic process to help me purge my emotions and to allow the tears to flow smoothly and with purpose. I want to write about, love.

A range of loves have just came to my head as I write: parental, sibling, romantic, friendship, but also the love of self, the love of drugs and unhealthy love. I believe every human being is born needing to be loved and there is an abundance of research on how the lack of parental love in childhood has negative impact on cognitive, developmental, emotional and social/psychological growth. So from the beginning we need to feel the warmth and fulfilment love gives us the best start in life and if we don't we are more prone to having an onslaught of problems in life!



I have written in previous posts that al I wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mother and when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child my first reaction was pure joy. It was very unfortunate that the baby's father did not share in my joy and most of my pregnancy was spent arguing. Despite the negativity and arguments, I loved, I mean I really LOVED being pregnant and carry my baby within my womb. I talked to my unborn child and messaged it as it moved about and felt intense happiness within myself at the knowledge that I was indeed going to fulfil one of my most precious dreams of becoming a mother, and nothing, not even the baby's father would take that away from me. It seems, through people I have met and stories I have heard, that sometimes having one "good", loving parent is enough while the other parent may be absent or is emotionally inadequate. However it may not be the case if one parent is emotionally abusive, though I tried to love my children and nurture them and stimulate their development as much as I could, maybe the "energy" of the house as well as the negative behaviour from their father made it so my love was not enough.

My first child was an unplanned pregnancy and caused a lot of conflict in our relationship. We did stay together and tried to make things work. Our little boy could not have been more perfect. He was loving and kind and good natured. He suffered no terrible twos or tantrums. He always held my hand and was a joy to be with. When there were moments when he had to be disciplined, he stood in his time out corner and always listened carefully to my explanations why he was having a time out. He was so full of love and positive energy and lust for life that I felt that his loved deserved to be shared and that he and his sibling would benefit from sharing his love. I always wanted a big family, but I never thought that possible and did not want that with my husband, but I felt that having a little brother or sister would be wonderful for my loving boy.

Our second child was our only planned child. It took a while but we did get pregnant and funnily enough I can not remember the exact moment I discovered I was pregnant like I do with my first. Perhaps that is because the first pregnancy is such a  milestone or perhaps it is because the second pregnancy was somewhat clouded with worry when we discovered she had club feet and were told that that may be a sign of other developmental problems. Luckily there were no other genetic or developmental problems but it did make us worry.

Sibling love. It was there and it was good for a while, then as the years went on it changed and here we are now and those two have not spoken in 18 months now. I tried to love them both, both since I was the primary care giver to my son and the person he spent most of his time with, actually ALL of his time with, there was going to be some changes. Also with the added element of severe club feet to a new born, as well as regular physiotherapy and hospital appointments and surgeries, there was a lot of added stress.

                                    A picture from the internet which resembled our baby's feet.
                                                                                                                                                                           

So for whatever reasons (extra stress, tense relationship between parents, increased resentments, lack of attention) those early days have impacted on all of our relationships with each other; however, in the beginning despite difficulties there was love between brother and sister.

As far as the relationship now, well obviously living with a chaotic drug addict and having mom's attentions being fully consumed by the problems she faced, has taken there toll on the brother sister relationship. That as well as the early stresses and that dad was not a loving and affectionate and involved father have created a sibling relationship which now seems devoid of all love.

The bonds that my two older children have with the youngest seems different again and each seem to have more love for her, yet my son seems to be more interested in pursuing a friendship with her than my middle daughter does.

In http://www.education.com/reference/article/influences-sibling-relationships/ the author discuses a range of sibling issues as well as other relationships influencing sibling relationships, as well as only children. She says:  "In homes where fathers are affectionate and helpful there are more positive sibling interactions. On the other hand, conflict between mother and each child is associated with increased sibling conflict". She goes on to say: "Children's personalities, social and cognitive skills, self concepts, values and sense of self protection from the outside world are influenced by their sibling relationships". So this type of love is different from the love we get from our parents but is very influential in our development and creating how we understand love and relationships and the world to work.

I am a die hard romantic, I have written about my feelings of true love more than once, and believe that much of my inner conflicts and feels of self doubt are due to the fact that I have been unsuccessful in finding true love. True love, romantic love is a very big part of the culture we live it, It is very commercialised and engrained in us from the first fairy tales we hear as small children. We grow up feeling the need to find that one special person out there. We also grow up feeling that is we don't have such love in our live that we are failures. I sometimes go through moments where I feel I have failed myself and also my children by not being able to find true love, yet on a deeper level it is not as simple as failing to find something I want, it is an emptiness that is created by the biological and physical as well as spiritual need to give and receive love. Human beings need love. They flourish in a loving environment and in loving relationships. People are better people when they are loved, it is that simple. When we are not, than we become bitter, self absorbed, negative, self hating and we begin to languish.

                        


Friendship is a key factor to us as children, forming our identities and branching out into the world and leaving the close-knit unit of just our family that we had as infants, toddlers and young children. However, the role that friendship plays in our development in adolescents does not stop there. Friendship is vital to us as adults, especially if we come from less than loving families. Friendships offer us not only a special type of love but because we choose each other as friends, it is unique in its bond. We have similar interests and we like each other and we want to spend time together because friendship often give us a great deal of fun in our lives. On the other hand, we have all experienced the age old saying that you  know who your friends are when the chips are down! When life throws us conflict and struggle from all angles we need the support from friends especially if we are single, in a dysfunctional relationship. and/or have poor family ties.

I often turn to music for comfort and release and I find if we aren't singing about love, then we are singing about friends or if neither than we are singing about getting high or drunk!
There are so many songs about friendship! This song "Lean On Me" popped into my head last night after not hearing it for many years and the lyrics are very poignant:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Writer(s): Bill Withers
Copyright: Interior Music Corp. 

In times of sorrow, pain or when we are lost and confused, we need a friend to lean on. We need the support of our friends. Our friends will remind us that no matter what,  they will still be there and just as importantly, that a true friend will in turn be there for you despite their own problems. We do not need to feel weak or ashamed that we have "lost face" or are incapable of fixing our own problems, we are not in the least. I think that when we are "brave" enough to go to our friends with our demons then we are showing how much we love and respect our friends that we trust them. We are also opening ourselves to them and showing that we trust the friendship that we can put ourselves in a vulnerable position, "bearing our soul" if you like. I know we all have friends that serve a purpose, friends who are specific to certain situations, acquaintances etc, but while talking about friendship I refer to the real and true, tried and tested friendships that we may have, may only have one of, some of us may have had and lost or some of us are still hoping for. Our friends will not fix our problems, that is not what we want or need, sometimes we do not even ask for advise, we just want and need support, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or sometimes we just want to go to our friends and let lose and have a bit of fun so that we can feel rejuvenated and refreshed and energised so that we can face our problems as a stronger person. Friendship, reciprocal and supportive friendship is like gold to us. If you are lucky enough to find love AND friendship, then you have found the whole pot of gold!

                  

The irony of love is that sometimes we need to have experienced being loved in a healthy way in a healthy home to be able to find healthy love later in life , but people who grew up in loveless or dysfunctional homes and who need love most, do not have the skills to find or maintain healthy and loving relationships/friendships. That is when we often turn to "things" to make us "happy" or actually to make us forget that we are feeling unhappy and unloved. "Things" such as: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping (retail therapy), money and status, just about anything that makes us feel good temporarily. If we did not experience healthy love, we sometimes are attracted to people who are unhealthy for us, treating us in ways we should not be treated yet because it is a familiar feeling and it helps "prove" our self fulfilling prophesy that we are "unworthy" and do not deserve to find happiness. This is way so many people stay in co dependent relationships, do not seek help if they are suffering from a dysfunctional family relationship or allow people to use them as objects of ridicule rather than including them in peer groups, or to be controlled by others. I can understand when my son says he LOVES drugs because in fact since his childhood he has had very little successful relationships within the family and in school and in friendships and he has never experienced any form of romantic love. So if he takes opiates that give him that "warm, fuzzy hug from inside" then, yes, he would want that again and again. If he has many unpleasant and unhappy memories and taking dissociative and sedative drugs  help blur his reality and impair his memory, then yes, he will want to use them again. The longer he relies on substances, the harder he will be able to create happiness without them, for obvious social and psychological reasons, but also from a brain chemistry point of view because the opiate receptors will rewire his brain so that pleasure will be associated with opiates rather than other "happiness". It will be a long process for my son to find other forms of love, to believe in love, to rewire his pleasure and happiness receptors, to trust others and make himself vulnerable. The reward would be friendship, love and happiness,that is the ultimate goal.
                                                                                                                                                                                        

So the bottom line wont come as a surprise to anyone, we all NEED to be loved from infancy throughout our entire life. Though our needs change and the types of relationships that give us love change, we all ultimately function better and thrive when we are loved and can love in a healthy and open way. We do not need to fear what love and friendship offer us, because it does not make us weaker or insignificant or shamed. We can still be true to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves but gain support and energy and respite from turning to those we love in times of chaos and conflict.

It may sound simple, but like another great song says, "love is all you need " and everything else will fall into place!

                              
                            
                             

Breaking the Dysfunctional Family Cycle

As many who have read my past posts know, I am a divorced parent. A woman who lived in a relatively loveless marriage brought on by circumstances. Though we did have our moments when life seemed to be ok and even a little enjoyable, we had many more down times and as the years went on the bitterness and resentment  grew along with the level of dysfunction and emotional damage. As I have been dealing with the fallout of this "failed" marriage, I often think that I should have left years before because staying together for the kids or because you feel trapped or because the alternative seems to be worse doesn't work, and guess what? I think that children are extremely intuitive that they will sense a false marriage and be affected by that far more so than a "failed" marriage. They will not only grow up with a false reality that may make them question many things as adults, but they will also base their idea of relationships on a faulty and dysfunctional model, which will in turn make it more difficult to maintain healthy adult relationships in the future. As parents we think that our children will grow up in the false security of staying together for the kids type of marriage, and will be thankful and grateful when they are adults for sacrificing themselves for the children. Actually, that too is exactly the opposite type of role model we want for our children, someone who is false and untrue to themselves. In fact, I think that most children from such fake households will grow up and feel resentful at being lied to. 

           

                              

In this excerpt from http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/mar/30/divorce-children-parenting-conscious-uncoupling-gwyneth-paltrow-chris-martin   the author is correct in saying that "unhappy parents make for unhappy offspring" :  Dr Penelope Leach has been a passionate defender of babies and children since the 1970s. But she is no upholder of the idea that adults should stay together regardless of the measure of misery; unhappy parents make for unhappy offspring. "Divorce and separation is a safety valve for marriage and cohabitation," she tells me. "And society cannot do without one." So when the break occurs she advocates what she calls "mutual parenting". It doesn't have the slightly sexual, semi-spiritual, yogic-infused ring of "conscious decoupling" but it amounts to something similar, albeit with the celebrity varnish scraped away.

Another article in The Guardian, http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/24/divorce-bad-for-children-lets-not-fetishise-marriage-parents-children also states that parents who stayed together for the kids until they were a little older, actually did more harm to the children:  "Some of the most messed-up kids I have seen are precisely those of couples who waited until they went off to university to divorce. It meant that their entire childhood and adolescence had been a kind of lies."

I think I should have left my husband years before I did instead of remaining in the co dependant relationship and feeling as if I needed to be a martyr. If I had done so, I believe that our son would have been far less damaged and may not have had as much emotional pain that was one of the driving factors for his need to escape through drug use. My sister often says to me that if I did, I would not have had my other two children, who I could not imagine life without. However, I believe that I may have had more children with someone else after leaving and my children would not have been the same as the ones I have now, but I still would have had them. Not only is my son a drug addict but he is also very angry at me that I stayed with his father for so long. My son and my middle child both have very cynical views about relationships and neither say they ever want to have children (I know they are very young and their ideas may change as they grow). I also wonder how all the subtle messages that our children surely picked up on while my ex husband and I were together will affect their future relationships. My son has very skewed ideas of relationships i.e. you need a man of the house, children need strict discipline, men are aggressive, men make the decisions etc.. Though this was not what he necessarily saw while growing up, these are the unspoken ideas of his father and our son picked up on his father's true feelings.

My husband and I were very unhappy, but it was not a physically violent relationship and though he was very controlling and somewhat emotionally abusive to me, it was done in a very indirect way and his control was there without having to be "in your face". We did not yell and scream very often at each other, but the tension was always there and could be felt by others. My ex husband's actions and emotional numbness were also very powerful tools in his establishing power over us. He was very emotionally abusive to our son and those were the times when there was lots of shouting. When it came to our second child he wanted to destroy her wild spirit and lust for life by constantly telling her not to do the things she was doing and threatening her with punishments. My ex husband did not know how to communicate and would not be chatty with us, he reserved this for nights out with his male friends when his friendliness would come alive after a few drinks.

                                              

Our two older children have been very affected by the way they were raised in an unhappy marriage and most of the influences were due to subtle behaviours, unspoken words, decisions that were made, the lack of love and affection between their parents, tensions, frustrations, avoidance etc. It was not the stereotypically portrayed bad marriage, but it did consists of lies and guilt and feelings of obligations and sacrifices. All those unspoken feelings and emotions were picked up on fully by our little sponges, for that's what children are, sponges and intuitive sponges they are!

Some of these ideas I have that a FALSE marriage is much more detrimental to children are penned in the following article in a nice and concise manner:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/01/divorce-kids-_n_4862357.html

I can understand though how if the marriage is unhappy and false, with the idea of "staying together for the kids" but ALSO burdened with one partner having any mental, emotional or substance misuse issues, the guilt and the feelings of obligation to stay becomes so much stronger. My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abused as a child, My husband also had alcohol issues, I still believe him to be a "functioning" alcoholic. These elements create a profoundly strong co dependent relationship which makes it even more difficult to leave and clouds our judgement as to what is ultimately the best decision for the children.

                        

This link explains the "signs" of a co dependant marriage, and as co dependency is indeed a learnt behaviour, staying in a co dependant marriage has all the negative implication I have already discussed, but has the added ingredient of teaching your children to be in co dependant relationship! Who wants their kids to learn that? I don't and another reason why I wish I would have left earlier.

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Are-Codependent

We can not fix our partners, and I made the mistake of thinking I could fix my ex because I felt sorry for all he had been through and felt responsible to help him. Wake up, no one can do that!

Sometimes being true to our inner selves and recognising that bringing up children in a marriage devoid of love and passion and mutual respect will ultimately create more problems for them, is a very hard step to make. I think that it is because our society treats divorce in marriage, as divorce from the family. And though there are cases that once the couple is divorced, one parent becomes almost non existent in the children's lives, that is not what most parents want. This is because of the way we treat divorce and also because in trying to create stability in the child's life by keeping them with one parent while the other parent may have the children on the weekend or every other weekend. We should look at the option of shared custody more. The children would have regular contact and stability from BOTH parents and feel the love of both parents and be reassured that the marriage split was not because of the kids!

As this excerpt states:  "Research has determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children."

Taken from:  http://www.separateddads.co.uk/sharedcustodyofyourchildren.html

And this article is interesting on how shared custody benefits society on a more political and financial level:  https://www.opendemocracy.net/ourkingdom/michael-reed/why-does-no-one-talk-about-benefits-of-shared-custody

Joint custody seems to be the best option in which both parents still want to be involved with their children, of course when one parent is abusive or neglectful than that would not be in an option. It would also mean making changes and sacrifices in each parent's lives, but not at the negative cost as staying together, and rather would actually benefit the children most.

Well, all I know is that hindsight is always 20/20 and I can not do anything now except to be true to myself so that I influence my children in a way that will make them feel more able to be true to themselves in the future and hopefully stop the cycle of codependency and dysfunctional families!

                            

Thinking Of You....Out there!

So, I wonder who reads this blog and what do they think? I am fortunate to be able to see that people do read it! I have also had quite a few great comments, usually by a few of my loyal followers. I was wondering though, if there are other readers out there who can share with me their thoughts and their insights and perhaps even their own stories and viewpoints. It would be great to hear from you.

                                               

I can see on the statistically breakdown that my blog is read in many countries,from every continent, which I find so exciting and fascinating! I wonder how do those readers find the blog and do you use the translation and if so how useful of a tool is the translation? I am so fascinated by you guys out there! What are your impressions?

I write these entries in solitude in my living room, usually while my younger children are not here and my only company is my very affectionate and devoted pet cat Shadow! How amazing though is it to know that once I hit the "publish" key, people I have no clue about will be privy to my most innermost thoughts, fears and experiences!? I love that about this blog!

                                              


So please continue to read and if you haven't already, feel free to comment. Also if you know anyone who might be interested in reading my humble story of how my family has dealt with a variety of issues that relate to drug addiction please pass it on! I think my blog also speaks to others out there who might not have had a problem with addiction (whether their own or a loved one's), I think it also speaks to people who may battle with insecurities, depression, and question their decisions and their lives. It might speak to parents who have battles with their children, be they drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, exclusion....the list is endless.

So this is just a little hello to everyone reading and a BIG thank you! Comment and/or share, I am so grateful to you all! Have a great day!

                                     
                           

Peace, Love & Happiness, Despite Temporary Depression

After writing my last post, I started to think about my readers who do not know me. I may seem depressed, and on some level I am. Funny thing is that I am not a negative or depressive person by nature. I am quite the contrary. Maybe it is not true depression, maybe what I suffer from is just an over sensitive and romantic nature? My longings are always apparent to me, especially since I have not succeeded in creating the life I have desired.

                                 

People say, "be positive and have good energy and that is what you will attract back into your life". I do not necessarily believe that, because I am also quite a loving person who finds so much beauty and goodness in the world. I have a lust for life that shines through. I spend much of my ordinary days smiling and laughing, though at a drop of a hat, if something hits an emotional cord, I will cry.

I suppose I struggle with that belief that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. All that business that you get from life what you put out. Because that is no different than what I have been struggling with, a concept that seems so child like, "good things should happen to good people, and bad people will get what they deserve". That is not what really happens and this is what creates the conflict and thus sadness inside me. This is not the way it works, at all!

                                         

Maybe it comes from the lack of religious beliefs, because those who have faith ultimately find comfort in that the "good" people will go to the promised land, and those who have been "bad" will pay the ultimate penalty when they go in front of their maker. Simplistically put, I know, but I do not want to get  deep into religion here. I am not an atheist, I am spiritual to an extent, and I think there are things we do not fully understand or are aware of. However, I also think that we should be rewarded for our efforts here on earth while we are living our lives, our reward should be to create a good life and to do exactly what people say, "get the good back that we have put out there". My life, the life of my mother, my son and others, do not show me that that is the truth. This causes me great disappointment and confusion, which makes my very sensitive soul cry out.

This is also what hurts me so much about my son's attraction to the drugs he took/takes because a lot of his pain stems from the same sort of ideas. He is hiding from the same conflicts that I struggle to understand and I deliberately analyse: the harsh reality and unfairness of why so much crap happens to people who are trying to live a good and honest life! He could not find any answers, and the more he thought about it the more he blamed himself, but still also blamed others and his pain and lack of understanding was too much for his sensitive and just soul to comprehend, so he needs to numb his thoughts, dull his pain and hide from his own inner conflicts through self medication.

                                       

This is a form of depression of course, but it is not the clinical/organic type of depression that people suffer from even though they have no apparent "reason" to be depressed. It is not the severe depression in which you no longer find any joy in anything. I suppose it is a form of situational depression which has also become a pattern of behaviour. My depression only lasts temporarily while I deal with too many thoughts after certain situations. It is a bit of a roller coaster, but not a manic depressive state. The situation does not have to be significant or profound, but if something triggers within me this need to analyse why life is crap when I have been nothing but good, then yes, I get down and I cry and I over think everything!

I remember bringing up my children when they were very little. I would clap and cheer with delight when they succeeded in anything they tried to do, how ever big or small that was, even if they built a tower of three blocks! I would stop and smell flowers, and we would pick up snails we found on the pavements and we would rescue snails from unseeing feet which may step on them! We went to playgrounds, we fed the animals in the city farms, we painted and read and cooked and baked and cleaned together. Everything was made to be fun and enjoyable. I always praised them. I loved to sing silly made up sons and dance and laugh. I encouraged friendships with other children and made sure I always had a report with teachers. I kissed them and loved them and told them how much they mean to mean.

                                    

Yet, my children are not self confident. My children are not overly happy, well the two older ones, the younger one is still quite a happy spirit. My two older children are also very sensitive and deep thinking. They are also both cynical and they do not share my my belief that the world and most people are generally good.

To a mother who adored her children and believed motherhood was the most special thing to ever happen in my life, I would have thought that those wonderful and pure and positive energies would transcend into my children. Can you imagine my inner conflict and sorrow when I discovered that my son was sad and insecure and started taking tablets he found to make him "feel" better? The defeat I felt when these negative feelings grew along side his drug taking. Not only that, but then after all that and witnessing how strong my love for my children is, how much ALL my children mean to me and showing how I would never give up on them because my love is so strong and I believe love can conquer all....my daughter gets depressed and starts self harming and even starts to think about taking her own life.

All this on my shoulders, while their father, the man who continually insulted and belittled our son from the age of 5 to the age of 12 (when we split up), who was selfish and emotionally absent, insulting, intimidating, verbally aggressive, avoids all responsibility and continues living his life on his terms without any remorse. In our children's eyes, no matter how hurt they were by their father, they have witnessed for themselves that the "bad" one keeps living, he has a good job,  having enough money to travel regularly, to always be in new expensive shoes and clothes and go out with his friends, to continue to drink, to get a girlfriend, live in a nicer neighbourhood than we do and all the while never helps them or gets "bothered". While on the other hand they also see how the "good" one suffers, lives almost on poverty level with bailiffs and bill collectors constantly hassling her, the worry, the stress, the responsibility, the tears,  they are hers as well as the solitude and alienation and loneliness. How is this teaching them that the world is fair and if you  put positive energy out there you get it back and that if you are a negative son of a bitch, you will attract negativity in the world??? How???

                                     

My son is convinced that everyone is a piece of shit in this world and that everyone is out for themselves and no one would genuinely wants to help or sacrifice for another, especially for him. I have faith that this is all a façade and that deep inside he believes the opposite, however it is still too painful to think anything other than negative thoughts towards humanity, because this way he can not be disappointed again, he can not be hurt and let down, they way his father did.

Drugs help him hide. I can not hide, so I get down and struggle to deal with my complex emotions. However, I do not bury my faith in humanity as deeply as my son. While I may complain and bitch about the shit and the shitty people in my life, I still believe people to be good by nature, but society and relationships sometimes screw us up so much that we forget how to be ourselves and how to be kind. Most of my friends, or so called friends, do not intentionally hurt me, they are more than likely oblivious to it. Who am I to tell them that they are falling short sometimes? If someone really does something wrong or unforgivable or completely disrespectful, I will tell them or completely shut them out. I care for the people in my life, all on different levels. Some I do not care for that much on a strictly personal or spiritual/emotional level, but as a human being I do care what happens to them and wish them nothing but the best. Some people, do hurt me, that is usually because I feel love for them more than they love me and I am still searching for someone to really love me, to notice when I am not around, to miss me, to fight for me, to bend over backwards to make make me smile when I am down. Those people in my life who fall short of that, despite my love for them, well I may get hurt and sad and disappointed, but at the end of the day it does not make them a bad person. I will never give up on people!

                         "....our  unhappiness and our strangeness, our anxieties
                          and compulsions, those least fashionable aspects of our
                          personalities, are quite often what lead us to do rather interesting 
                         things."  Ron Ronson, The Psychopath Test


Sometimes I envy those who put all their faith into their God, and are comforted in the knowledge that everyone will have to answer for their behaviour when they stand before God; however, I do not have that belief and I do not want to offend anyone with my honesty, I do though have faith in humanity even though my faith in humanity is tested repeatedly. I also believe in the power of love and I have not given up on my son nor my daughter and I have to believe that my love will one day succeed in making them believe in themselves. I believe that love is powerful and I do love a few people and even if I do not get the love I feel I deserve  returned to me, I have to keep believing and hoping that one day, someone will be free enough to love me.

So though I am displeased with life as we live it at the moment and though I may have seemed severely depressed in my last post, I wanted to amend my last post by clarifying that it is a temporary state of mind and it is situational. I still believe in life, love and beauty! Peace to you all and thank you!


                                 
                                         

Being a Parent

Feeling the need to vent and talk about parenting.

As you know if you have read my posts before,  my ex husband and father of all my three children, is not a very devoted father, to say the least.  Unfortunately parenting can be a risk taking venture as many of us do not know what kind of a parent we will be until we are one. Sometimes we do not have much in the way of a parental instinct when it comes to children and then we hope,  as if by magic, when we become a parent we will go through a "change" and our wonderful parenting instincts will be "switched" on. Other times we have analysed our own upbringing so much and vow not to make the same mistakes and be more like the parents we wished we had, yet sometimes all those good intentions are some how lost when we are parents and we unconsciously keep repeating the bad parenting patterns we had to suffer as children.  Sometimes we assume that becoming a parent will help a relationship or bring us much happiness in our otherwise unhappy lives. We may even think that we want children more than anything and when it becomes a reality, we find out that somehow we were wrong and we just do not have the "knack" for being parents. Others accept their responsibilities of being a parent, receive their children's unconditional love with an open heart and tap into their primitive instincts that we now have a young child who needs our protection and caring more than anything else, and try our damnedest to be the best parent we can be.



Though I have been trying very hard to "let go" of the negative feelings that I still have towards my ex husband, I have somehow, inadvertently, fed my children (especially my our) false hope about their father. I still mention to my son that he has a father as well and he should ask him for help at times too. Not intentionally realising until now that all I have been doing is setting him up for disappointment. The last time I mentioned such an idea to my son, I heard his reply with clarity and knew I needed to stop. When I said, "....he is your parent too" my son replied, "Well, yes and no. He is because he is genetically my father, but he is not a parent." End of discussion and those words  cut through my illusions that someday being a father will "change" this man and he will in fact start having fatherly feelings and following through on them. The next few reminders of that have just highlighted it more to me.

I have been trying to help my son by taking him grocery shopping as regularly as I can, not a full big shop, but enough to know he is eating. I have been doing this while his benefit money from the government stopped and he was waiting for a new claim and I knew he had no money. I would also try to get him a bite to eat whenever I could, even if it was just from the local chip shop. So one afternoon while on the phone to my son, he asked if I can call him back because his father was there putting together a small dresser for him, I was pleased and impressed by this sudden change. The next time I was with my son and we were in the store buying him some bits and pieces, I reverted back to my old tactics and made the comment that I am very low on money and have other kids too to take care of and maybe his father could help him out sometimes. I then asked him about the other day, asking if after they put together the drawers if his dad took him out for a bite to eat. Nope. Oh, well did he get you some shopping? Nope. I was doing it again and I did not want to! Then my son says, "Oh yeah, he did bring me some stuff". Oh ok, I asked what kind of stuff. Now brace yourselves for the answer! "Oh Dad brought me some out of date food he said he found". WHAT? Found? Found where? In the street? "No, he said he found them in the back of his cupboards". Well I was shocked but had to keep asking! What kind of food, I wanted to know and how out of date and did my son actually eat them? OK, so this next remark made me feel so sad and so disgusted at this man who obviously is little more than his genetic father...."It's ok, it didn't all taste bad". I then held my tongue and said no more!

                                               

Next time we spoke my son said he also got some old spices that his father was clearing out! I asked myself, what is this guy up to? Is he moving house or something and getting rid off his junk by giving them to his son? Even our son thought it a bit odd because he does not see his father as the type to merely be doing a spring cleaning. More to the point though is that regardless why he is clearing out old stuff, do not give that to your child! Go to the supermarket and buy him some inexpensive, but fresh food!

I heard my son's words echoing in my head, "He is and he isn't....his is not a parent".

                        

The next time I was reminded of the truth of my son's statement was after his sisters saw their father a few days ago, not having seen them since January! It was the usual set up, movie and a quick lunch, a 3 hour visit more or less as always. The girls would walk down to the corner and there they would meet their dad and come home the same way. When they returned they had a bag of stuff with them. They were not sure what was inside. We all sat down on the floor and tipped out the bag. Two small Easter eggs, OK, yes it is Easter soon. The rest, well we were all dumbfounded about. A little money bag full of used hair clips, an old die, a couple of school whistles, a couple of white board pens thrown in, an old bubbles with half missing, some dried out paint.....Ok...well most of it when to the garbage. What was that about?

The icing on my slice of reality was when I asked my older daughter if she spoke to her father about her upcoming exchange visit. I asked because, one I had sent him a txt and two because I ask her to! My txt was simple, reminding him of her upcoming exchange and if there is anything he can do to support her in her exchange. Now you need to realise that we will be housing a German girl for 10 days in our home, feeding her 3 meals a day, making sure she has a comfortable room to sleep in, entertaining her over a 3 day day weekend, as well as paying for her travel to and from school while here. Then in May our children will go to Germany and stay in their partner's home with the same care given. The cost of the trip is over £300, but of course that does not cover the additional cost of extra outgoings to feed and entertain them. Also before our children go, especially true for my daughter, she will need some new clothes as here she wears a school uniform and does not have that much in the way of casual clothes which she will need there. I think it would be fair to say then that the entire cost is more like £600. The school expects 3 payments to cover the cost of travel, however I was unable to do that financially but really wanted my daughter to go. I spoke to the school and we agreed to monthly payments over a 6 month period, which I am now one month behind.

I was bemused when my daughter told me that her father did give her a contribution to help with her exchange, he gave her £20! I had no choice but to laugh! WOW, £20! Nice one, that may buy them a fast food lunch on the weekend! I never know when to leave bad enough alone, so I asked, "Well then, did your father at least offer to take you guys out somewhere on one of the days over the long weekend?". Stupid question! Stop hoping and waiting for this man to somehow turn into a parent!

So, I know that all these kids have is me. I need to be strong and clever and somehow manage it all. Actually, I guess I have been doing that for a long time already,  so I just have to keep it up!

I hope that my son will learn to get rid of his sorrows by being let down by his dad and then he can start to tackle the problem of how his addiction stemmed from trying to fill a void and ease the sadness. I hope for all my children to be able to one day live full and meaningful lives with love and friendship and that the lack of their father's support will not be a painful part of who they have become. Do not let that make them who they are, let them find so much goodness in life that it is not an issue, and I must learn to do the same. In the meantime I am trying to be the best parent and person that I can be.


         

Friends, Family.....Forever?

I am a hopeless romantic and a kid at heart. I want life to be fair and for love to last forever! I am not ashamed to admit it and I think I will never change no matter how old I get. I think everyone deserves to be happy and I think everyone should be treated well and that we should all try to help people and people who don't  treat others well should get their just dues.



I often wonder what makes something, a relationship, last forever? We often think of expressions like "blood is thicker than water" but then I know that sometimes people sever ties with their blood relatives and form lasting relationships with friends that are stronger than the ones with family. Sometimes friends are fickle and only transient and other times a long standing friendship can no longer survive over what seems trivial.

As I said,  I am a hopeless romantic. I always have been from an early age and will die a hopeless romantic. I believe in fighting for the things you believe in and standing by people's in the toughest of times. I believe that living in hardship is better than living a superficial and shallow life that is based on dishonesty. I believe in giving everything for the people you love, sacrificing and putting yourself out. I believe in true love and soul mates and that sometimes it takes a lifetime to find that person and you may have a short time together but that is ultimately better than never having found them at all. I know we do not and can not live forever and that everything must one day end, but I still believe in that romantic notion of forever.

                                       
I look back at various relationships in my life and some have lasted and some have not. Usually the first relationship we ever have is the one we share with our mother. As an infant it is more often than not the mother who spends nearly all of her time with the baby, caring for them, holding them, talking to them, feeding them etc. I adored my mother and was fortunate to have a really good relationship with her. When I would dream of my future, my mother was always in the dream somewhere. Those dreams, like many, were never realised due to her premature death just after she had her 52nd birthday. She was gone, out of my life and no longer a part of my future; however, she is in my life forever.

The relationship I had with my father and sister was not quite the same and I would say that we went through some turbulent times. My sister and I were like most siblings who had their moments of cruelty and arguments, some of which turned physical. We also had times when we were friends and played together or hung out together. Unfortunately around the time that my mother's cancer was diagnosed the relationship between my mother and sister was not on very good terms largely because of the relationship my sister was in at the time. The strain was eventually felt within my relationship with my sister and eventually about a year or so after my mother passed I felt it necessary to stop having contact with her, but it did not last more than a year or two. Today we are such good and close sisters and though we hardly see each other due to the great geographical distance between us, we chat nearly every day on line and when those wonderful occasions happens that we are together we can talk endlessly and laugh randomly and infectiously like children!

                             

My father and I had more issues and we also severed our relationship and did not see each other or speak to each for about 7 years. Within that time was also the time that I decided to leave everything; my friends, sister, my belongings, my memories and my familiarity, to start something new somewhere else. My father also started a new life with a woman only a couple of years older than me. After my new life in London with a husband and a two year old child I decided to go back to L.A. for a visit but had no intentions of seeing my father, to me that relationship was damaged forever and it was gone forever. Upon my arrival at L.A.X with my very sleepy 2 year old snoozing in my arms I was greeting by my sister and her husband, a very good friend and unbeknownst to me, my father and my half sister who I had never met and was now was around 7 years old, were also waiting there for me at the airport. Years had passed, wounds had nearly healed and I was a mother now which all made my reaction to seeing my father there much more pleasant than I would have thought possible. When I was returning home from that visit and everyone said their goodbyes at the airport, my father whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry".  We started a fresh start and in the next 10-12 years we grew closer and closer until he came to stay with me and his three grandchildren when he died here only a month later. That was about 6 years ago now. Grandpa had became a part of our lives and I will remember him forever, in fact everything before that reunion and his new role as a grandfather are not as important as all the memories I have of him later in life. So with my father I experienced a time when I thought forever meant never having him in my life, to forever remembering those fond memories of him with my children and times spent together.

My friendship and other family relationships have been all over the show. Some relatives get weird as they age and think of who is there for them in terms of physical presence and practical help. They start to think of who will inherit and who will not. Sometimes relationships have been frayed because of the lack of honesty or commitment. Sometimes money interferes and damages  trust. Sometimes broken promises are too many and too often to withstand the test of time. Some people have showed that they are ultimately selfish and care more about themselves or being treated as the centre of attention to have the capacity to stay around "forever". Other friends and family understand that shit happens and life gets in the way and distance occurs but that the bond can not be lessened and time may pass and difficulties experienced but the relationship survives.

During my controlling marriage in a new country I did not have many opportunities to make friends and build relationships. In fact the couple of times that I did, there was fault found in them by my husband and he would never give me the freedom to have my own social life. As we already had a small child when we were married and no one to provide any childcare, if he went out then I obviously could not. It took me a very long time after we split up to build relationships and though I thought I had a few acquaintances that could grow into true friendships, these all these proved to be superficial and transient.

Even though the last 5 years have seen more social activity in my life, the strain of having all the problems with my son's serious drug/law/behaviour issues as well has financial strain and how this has all impeded on my daughter's lives has created a somewhat less than social butterfly mentality within me. A few friends have found it hard to understand and eventually there are more and more plans cancelled, lack of interest in making plans or sensitive feelings which makes me wonder how long they will last, since one or two friendships in the past year or two have ended completely.

I accept that feelings change and people do sometimes change as well, and that sometimes relationships do not last or their purpose is transitional. I have many good memories of people who have come and gone for a purpose or when one of us had to move on. I guess what I get annoyed about is that when people are less than honest about feelings or their current position or circumstances and then that creates so much fuss that did not need to happen. Sometimes we meet people who inevitably are false and though sometimes that can be obvious, other times it is not and when we learn the truth it hits us quite hard.

                                                  
 
My children have been hurt by each other and by family and friends. They have learned already that many relationships do not hold up under pressure. I can not predict whether the relationships between each of them will stand the test of time and if they will hold on to their love one day or forever, but I do hope that the pain they have felt will most definitely not last forever.

I may not have a large circle of family and friends, but some of the ones who are, actually most of the ones who are in that circle, I know that I will indeed love them forever. The one most definite thing in my life that will last forever in my life is me. I have to feel good about how I live and what I can do for my family and friends and others. I will remain my children's mother forever and one thing, no matter what, I can say with my head held up high that I am a good mother and I have absolutely no doubt that ALL of my children love me very much and if they hold on to my love and remember that even when I am gone, than I know I did something good that indeed will last forever.

So, as it is Mother's Day tomorrow here in the UK, I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day whether it will be tomorrow or next month! Take pride in knowing how much you are loved and that a mother's love is indeed forever!