Reality Check: Done!

Today I am feeling: realistic, positive, accepting, comfortably numb. I have had a week to regroup after being back from our trip to Budapest. I have digested the reality that is my life that I have come back to. I have started to regain some positivity that I will and can change some of my life and I will continue to think how the hell I am actually going to do that! I had put off seeing my son but finally saw him and though I can not say that I see too much progress, I am starting to regain my confidence that he will be OK, one day he will be living a much better life and he will have some of the "things" in life that he wants and also the "things" that I want for him.

                                                  
                                     
I feel accepting that though there is a lot about the relationships in my life with family and friends that are letting me down and discouraging to my soul, I also accept that is how it is at the moment, and though it has seemed to have been a recurring issue in my life, one day that too will change. My family will recovery and I will have a healthier family. I will one day find someone, and that someone will find me, that I can love freely and more important that person will also love me and be confidant enough in their feelings to love me freely and opening without games/complications/fears.

Though life is difficult and no where near how I would like it to be, I am positive that it will not be this way forever. I am too good of a person to have to suffer my entire existence, my heaven is not waiting for me after death, it is waiting for me here in this mortal world...and damn it, I will find it!

My children may all have their various issues and struggles of their own to achieve happiness, and they may indeed take out all their frustrations on me...but you know what? Thank God, that they have me to unload on! Thank God, they know that there is someone here that loves them profoundly and will allow them to vent! Imagine if they did not have that?

               

I may have fallen into a relationship years ago devoid of true love. I may have stayed in that bad relationship too long and helped create dysfunctional relationships and a dysfunctional family, but it is done now. I may have opted to be a full time mother loving and caring for my children and now find the need to be financial independent extremely difficult, oh well, at least my children and I have incredibly strong bonds! OK, so my eldest son is hurting and has turned to drugs to find comfort in the void that is there in his life because of the dysfunctional relationship with his father, but that can not be changed either, but he can learn from it. Yes, my middle child also suffered from the dysfunctions she witnessed and was a part of, turning to self harming and contemplating suicide, but she STOPPED cutting herself from her own desire to do so, her strong will helped her through that difficult period. My youngest may have grown up in a household devoid of "normal" family life, without a father, with a mother full of worry, with a big brother who was abusing drugs quite opening in the family home, with an older sister who was angry and reclusive....this has had it's impact, that I am sure off in which creates confusion within her. However, she also has seen that her mother loves ALL her children, despite everything and she is strong enough not to stop believing in them and though sometimes depressed and negative, she has seen her mommy always loving and never really giving up!

                                               

Life may not be great, my son is still an addict, my daughter is still unhappy, I am struggling, I am still battling; however, it will not be like this forever and I will try to overcome what I can. I may not be a bundle of positive energy yet, thankfully I am not a bundle of negative energy either! This week has been emotional, but I am moving on! My family will as well and one day we will connect with the positive and loving and giving people in the world who we can build some happy memories with and say good bye to the bad memories!

Life goes on and I am not going to let it beat me!

                                     

The Good and The Bad of It

Well, court hearing was a formality I guess and nothing more as it was referred to Crown Court. More waiting and then more worrying closer to the time. We will have to wait until June 9th and I have been told not to expect a resolution then , as the case will probably be "sent away for reports", meaning that my son will be assessed by parole officers and drug rehabilitation workers etc and their reports will go back to court.



I was pleased when our first hearing last Friday was to be heard at Magistrates Court since that is usually for lesser offences and lesser punishments; however, now we are going to Crown and there are two ways to look at it. First we can worry that the prosecution is playing up the seriousness of the case, the amount of time and money that was put into the investigation and therefore  the punishment should be severe, or we can view it in a way that since the Crown Court is where very serious crimes are heard i.e. murders, rapes, assaults, burglary etc, perhaps the judge will view this clearly as a less serious case and treat it as such.

For those who may not be familiar with the differences between the two types of courts, here is a link explaining about Crown Court:

http://www.judiciary.gov.uk/you-and-the-judiciary/going-to-court/crown-court

To explain more about the magistrates here is another link that might be helpful:

http://www.judiciary.gov.uk/you-and-the-judiciary/going-to-court/magistrates-court

There is little point in worrying about the differences between the courts, as it has been decided and so be it, Crown Crown it will be! My hope is still for the best possible outcome for my son, but now I also hope that I will not be called upon as a witness! In case some of you have not been following my blog that long, this all has to do with an incident in which I took a variety of chemicals to a drug clinic on the understanding that they would dispose of it safely for me. Things did not go according to plan and in the end there was a huge news item about a "chemical leak" and possible "drug manufacturing". Our home was over taken by police and we had to evacuate for two days while my son was in police custody. There  was indeed a large amount of chemicals removed from my home as well as drugs which resulted in the recent 9 charges brought against my son.

I wrote about it all in these blog entries:

http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2013_10_01_archive.html

And also here:

http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/drug-crime-is-drama.html

Hopefully now everyone is up to speed and has a better understanding what all the fuss with the police and courts is all about.

We seem to be attracting interest from the press again, in the run up to the court hearing it was mentioned in the local news, radio, bbc teletxt, etc. While in court the press from our local paper was there and in fact even attempted to get a photo after we exited the court and after his failed attempt, the reporter followed my son and I around until we got to the town centre and lost him! I hope and pray that he did fail in getting a photograph of my son, because it will only serve as a trigger for more anxiety and anger from my son. I do not think he has realised that his name and where he now lives has already been publicised on the internet news! I have never revealed my son's name in my blog and the previous news items were always regarding a young teenage man...now it takes on a different atmosphere that will be too close for comfort for my son's liking!

Moving on though to some more positive aspects of the day.

Considering the early time we had to be in court (9:00 a.m.), I was pleased that my son was awake and managed to get nicely dressed in his shirt, tie and blazer along with the new trousers and shoes I had bought him earlier in the week, Though he was gently drinking his cider in the morning to calm his nerves, he did not get intoxicated nor did he take any drugs. We got to the court on time and there was no fuss from him at all, no irritability or lashing out. He listened and spoke to the solicitor and when it was time to stand up in front of the court, he was clear and articulate.

After he calmed down regarding the reporter outside, we spent the rest of the day together (about 6 hours including the court). We walked around, we looked in shops, I bought him his favourite Nando's chicken for lunch, took him to his flat to change and took him back into town. My son was not argumentative or defensive at all during the entire course of the day. Despite that we started off the day not knowing what the day will hold, it turned out to be some nice time spent together.



As a side not I will mention that his father did not turn up at court, though he had told our son earlier in the week that he would "try". He did phone later in the day and during the conversation asked our son, "Do you see much of your mother?"
How absurd! How does that man think our son with no money for a bus and a horrible track record of walking up on time and attending appointments on time, fathom that he would make it to the court on his own by 9 a.m.? I was glad to hear that my son said, "yes, she is here with me now". Later that day, and subsequently the next day as well, my son told me that if it were not for me he would have no one who would help him. What a sad realization for our son that his father never returned the police officer's phone calls during the original arrest and that he did not turn up to court either and when I suggest asking his father for help he says he knows he wont. However, it is also a very positive realization for my son that there is someone who will always be there for him and I hope that one day he will also understand why I made the decisions I did.

As my family may be slightly broken and our lives still not quite as we may like it, but at least I am teaching my children what it means to be a parent, what it means not to give up, what it means to believe tomorrow will be better and that there is always hope. My daughter may not have any desire to see her brother at the moment and indeed she thinks that will never change, but I hope that she is seeing that I am still trying to help him because I know he is worth it, as a mother who loves and believes in ALL her children. Hopefully she will also see that I made some decisions with her best interest at heart and that even now I respect her feelings even if it may make me sad. I hope all my children see how much we have all been through and we are still basically O.K., and despite all our struggles and all the heart ache and without any family besides us, we are not only surviving, we are thriving in some respects. My son is standing on his own two feet and he did not crumble. It has been three months since he is no longer at home and he has seen his circumstances change dramatically and often. Yet he is doing just fine even though he is facing so many difficult situations because of his addiction. We may not all be gathering around the family dinner table every Sunday, but my son and I do speak nearly every day and see each other quite regularly. My daughters are getting happier and more relaxed. My older daughter is excelling academically and her parent's evening was enough to make me cry with pride when I heard all the remarkable statements made by her teachers. (None of whom have any idea to the challenges she has faced at home). My youngest is always happy and a pure joy. I have trained to be a mentor and have also started my Facebook page for families of addiction, I will be speaking about my blog to a support group and I am growing as a writer through this blog. There have been some positive movement forward despite all the struggles and complexities and obstacles and having all the responsibilities on my shoulders alone.

                         

I am sure there will be many more hard times and difficult moments to get through and my son may go further downhill before he starts climbing up again. My family and home and troubles will still be here tomorrow but so is my love and my strength and my desire to make things better and my hope in a bright future for us all. I hope all of you can hold on and believe in your brighter future too!

Mixed Up Emotions

Coping with my son being homeless and still using is actually less difficult than I imagined. That is not to say I do not worry or I am not sad, but it is no more or less the same amount of worry and sadness I had for years while he lived at home and used drugs.

I feel an emptiness at home. Before, while he was still here, we had all the stress and drama, but I missed my son very much then. I say I missed him while he was here with me in the family home because then it was a constant reminder to me that I no longer have my son or my so called normal family. Every time he would be high or coming down or aggressive or passed out, I was sad and missed my boy, because the person I was living with was not the kind and loving son I once had and knew that I could still have. Oh how I missed him, though I could see him before my eyes every single day!

                                

Now I no longer miss the son I use to have because when he is not around I am not being constantly reminded how my true son is lost inside the addict. Now I am feeling the emptiness in my home, though it is not exactly the same feeling as missing someone. It feels strange to know that when I go to sleep at night no one else is still up or downstairs. Therefore the house seems bleaker in a way, almost scary at first. I say scary because now if I here a noise at night, I can not ignore it and go back to sleep in the comfort of knowing that it is my son who is downstairs watching tv. When I come home and my daughters are still at school, it is strange to know that I am the only one here.

                              

Some days I worry why he has not contacted me, but then when he does I am quickly annoyed and disappointed in the nature of our conversation so feel the urge to just hang up. Other days I forget to call him and when night rolls around a sudden feeling of guilt overcomes me that how on earth could I have not been thinking about my homeless drug addict son today!?

There was also this enormous fear within me that if I ever allowed my son to be homeless that he would crumble and succumb to depression and heavier drug use and even possibly suicide. I was very wrong in that fear and he seems to be managing very well. I have written before how this is almost a disappointment to me, yet it is not to say that I want my son to be wondering the streets depressed looking for a better fix and possibly ending his life! NEVER! My disappointment is rather that before those things would happen my son would be overwhelmed with fear of the undesirable elements that being homeless could bring, that he would then "wake up" feeling remorse perhaps, feel the need for sobriety, and seek out help. The fact that he is coping well being homeless is good in the fact that it shows me he is emotionally stronger than probably both of use thought, as well as resourceful. These are very positive indications. I worry that the negative indications to his being so well adapted to homelessness may be that he enjoys the freedom which enables him to continue living a lifestyle of drugs, denial and lack of responsibility.

A pleasant surprise to all of this is that I am aware that I am actually accepting that I have done much good for my son, and though we all make our own mistakes, I am really not responsible for his drug addiction. I am not responsible for his drug manufacturing arrest. I am not responsible for him ultimately becoming homeless. I have tried my best to raise him for nearly 19 years, providing him with love, nurture and support, even during the last 6 years of his ever increasing drug habit. Despite what my son and my ex husband tell me, it is NOT my fault! I am actually starting to really "get" that and believe it!

                          

Perhaps it was foolish of me or just naively hopeful, but I had hoped that once my son was no longer in the family home, and especially once the holidays were over, I would feel new motivation to clean up the house as well as our lives. I envisioned myself with a burst of new found energy and determination to make this the home it once was, and bring back some normalcy of routine to my daughters. Unfortunately this has not been the case. Although I am feeling more and more aware that I really am not the cause of all this, and I no longer have to be the kicking post for my son's rage and anger, I find myself still lacking in energy and motivation.

So many emotions and varying states of mind, some expected, some not so expected, which illustrate just what a very long journey we have been on and still have before us. I am holding on the the mental picture I have of my family being whole again one day. A family no longer torn apart by addiction. A family which has overcome so much emotional, physical and situational hardships yet still worked through the issues and found new healthier relationships within the family at the end. I see happy faces and new additions to my family in the future. I see my children as three happy, well functioning. emotionally strong and healthy young adults one day! This vision is what keeps me here!

                    

Happy & Homeless

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from my son that he needs a lift to the emergency room, because he cut his hand badly last night and today noticed that there are big chunks of glass wedged deep within the wound which he can not remove.



Of course, as mothers do, I said I would pick him up and take him to the hospital in 20 minutes. I had to know though, how did it happen? He slipped, while walking,  on the wet pavement and he was holding a bottle.

My youngest was not impressed as it was her last day at home from her winter break, her sister had gone back to her school the day before, so today should have been just about her. Not a fun way for an 8 year old to spend her last afternoon of her holidays!

As I pulled up on the street corner, I saw my son a few yards away, smiling and chatting to another young man. He looked good. My son looked to be enjoying himself, fully engaging in conversation, smiling, laughing. He looked like a good looking young man enjoying himself. He looked happy.
My first glance at my son made me happy. Then reality sunk in and I was no longer happy. I was not looking at my nearly 19 year old son hanging out with his class mate after uni, waiting for me to help him do his grocery shopping before I dropped him at his flat where he shares with other classmates....just a nice hypothetical example, one of many "nicer" alternatives to the truth.

I was watching my homeless son, chatting to his fellow homeless mate who was enjoying a can of cider, standing outside the drug and alcohol clinic, waiting for me to take him to the hospital to get his hand stitched up. This was not right. This was causing me a great sense of cognitive dissonance. This was making me feel edgy. AND he was making me wait, because he was enjoying himself!

Upon arriving at the hospital, he tells the true story behind his injury. The day it happened he had gone to the corner shop and stole a can of extra strong cider and a bottle of wine. He then proceeded to the park where he consumed all of the wine and cider. He was, according to him, enjoying himself and got a bit drunk. This led him to want more, so foolishly he went back to the SAME shop and attempted to steal another bottle of wine. He thought he got away with it, but once outside a man from the shop and a guard dog chased my son down the street. This is when and how my son fell and fell with the bottle of wine which smashed in his hand as he fell. The man caught him, and according to my son, dragged him back to the shop by the scruff of the neck. When my son tried to escape his hold, he threatened to sick the dog on him. Once back at the shop, the manager decided there was no point calling the police since there was no longer evidence that he took anything, it was broken and all over the pavement somewhere. They let him go with the warning that he is not allowed to ever enter the shop again.
           
                                        
                 

Having finished his story, he also told me that his hand was bleeding quite a lot after it happened and he wondered around and eventually went into a church that was holding an evening service. When some of the parishioners noticed the state of his hand they were concerned and offered him tissues. After the service the clergyman helped my son with his first aid kit, and everyone was very nice and helpful, though he didn't think the cuts in his hand were a big concern. All the while when he was telling me this, he was calm, relaxed even smiling and chuckling at times.

As he stood by the car door, very comfortable with the fact that he was going into the emergency room to get stitched up, he did not seem too bothered. I told him that I hope this is not the beginning of things to come. He said that it probably is and that he will probably get into fights and such and receive much worse injuries. I drove away sad, worried, and disappointed.

I reflected on our car journey home, how he was telling me, with his young sister in the back seat, how it is actually good being homeless. He gets a room and taxi. He gets fed decent food every night. There are churches that they go and hang out in to get warm and get light lunches during the day. He has free time and he is out doing a lot of stuff, not just sleeping and sitting indoors all the time like he was at home. He has no one hassling him, and the people don't judge and they are nice.

                                           

Right now being homeless, having a shelter with a special night provision, doing your own thing is an adventure my son is enjoying. I hope he gets housed in the supported housing project (that excepted him in early/mid December) has an opening soon, before this adventure turns into a chosen way of life that my son chooses over an improved living accommodation where he would get support with the intention of moving forward toward independent and healthy living. Something tells me once in a house with rules and boundaries to adhere to, he will look at homelessness as the better option for him. I hope my feeling is wrong.

Educating The Young Homeless Addict

I met with my son in town for a cup of coffee today. He was 45 minutes late, but at least he was not intoxicated!

                            

My fear was always that if my son was ever homeless he would be exposed to more undesirable "things". I really never looked beyond the fear that he would turn to heroin and may accidentally overdose.

Funny, I did not think about the other "things" he would be exposed to. I suppose I feared the threat of heroin and possible overdose because I assumed my son would be scared and hurt and turn to heroin as a comforting  way to deal with his fear. I did not think that my son would just fine being homeless. He would like the people he was coming into contact with. He would listen to their tricks and think it is worth a go.
Oh how naive of me!

                                      
It is a provable statistic that crime and drug addiction has a high correlation, therefore why am I surprised that my son would turn to petty crime to support his habit? He has already broke the law in so many more complex ways. As I sat with him and he spoke of things, I was embarrassed that we may be overheard, I had a feeling of detachment as well as shame.

Under the pretense of wanting to see me and just sit and have a chat, it became clear there was more to it. He has no money. Will I give him enough money to tie him over till he gets his next benefit payment. "No, I am sorry I can't, you will have to ask someone else." "Dad has just given me £50 for Christmas and wont give me any more, and my friends won't give me money."

        

I will not give him any more. I helped him out with nearly £100 the first few days after moving out. His most loyal friend will not give him money because he has also learned that he would only be enabling him. His father has not helped for months and our son knows that  Dad is not a resource for him to tap into. My son receives benefits now, paid into his bank account each fortnight. I will help him budget that money, as I offered, but I will no longer do anything that is in any way enabling his addiction.

So ok then, he will have to start stealing "bigger stuff". Ahem, excuse me, "bigger stuff"? Well he has stolen a thermal head scarf, some ear phone cushions, AND, and I did not want to know any more. He told me of how one of the guys at the shelter told him how he steals wine, even though he doesn't like wine, it is the easiest to steal. He also found out that some chemists do not dispose of medicines properly and sometimes if you poke around their bins you can find some pills. Also around the University campus is also a good place to find blister packs of prescription drugs laying about. A homeless woman also steals from donations that are left outside Oxford and other charity shops. STOP. I do not want to hear any more.

I am listening to this is a small cafe with no other customers and the owner is sitting at the table right behind my son, he is not even trying to speak quietly. He talks about how the codeine syrup he bought yesterday broke when he dropped it. Then he says, that though upset, he was ok because he knew he had the codeine he extracted from some co-codamol he bought and that was back at the room. Upon returning he picked it up and spilled 2/3rds of it. Also his prescription for Atarax (hydroxyzine hydrochloride) is almost gone even though he had a new prescription filled on Jan 31st, 4 days ago. If the doctor intended him to be taking as many as he is, obviously he would have given him a larger prescription!


                          

He wants some money, because he is starving?! Hmm, funny how are you buying codeine and such? The homeless shelter only gives him one meal a day. Funny, a few days ago my son told me how he is eating so much better! 

Can we not just talk? No, at home everything revolved around drugs. Outside, everything revolves around drugs. Our relationship will not change until my son faces up to his addiction. I know that, now I need to wait for my son to come to that conclusion as well.

As we left the cafe, my son asked for a lift to a corner shop near my house even though he said he was meeting a friend near where the cafe is soon. Why? To buy a can of cheap cider. Oh I guess he is not entirely penniless. OK, upon getting into my car he pokes around the little place where I put change and keep my trolley pound, anything he can find to take.  There is nothing because I have learned to live with absolutely nothing left laying about would be potentially useful to my son.

His plan for the rest of the afternoon? Buy a can of cheap, strong cider. Go to the chemist and look behind the shop in their bins for any discarded medications. Go to maybe a few more chemists that he has heard from the other homeless people are relaxed about disposing of drugs. Try to remember to meet his friend. Go back to where the shelter is and possibly pop into the off license opposite and try to steal a bottle of wine. Get taken back to his accommodation and consume what he has successful obtained. Lovely skills son!

On the bright side, I am discovering that I am becoming stronger and stronger and letting go of the guilt and feelings of responsibility of my son's addiction. Never in a million years would I have been able to envision this situation 6 months ago. I have actually told and watched my son leave my home. He has become homeless. He is asking for "help" and I am saying no. I have turned him away in the cold night when he appears at my door unannounced intoxicated. I have told him to leave my house during a visit over the emotional and lonely holiday period because he broke the rules and lied. I have managed to do this all without tears, well, without too many tears, without breaking. I have managed to smile and laugh and go out and feel happy with other people guilt free. I will keep contact with my son, I will continue to advise him and love him, but I will no longer let his choices destroy 4 lives. I accept that my choices were not the best and in some ways my choices contributed to his unhappiness, but it was his choice, not mine, to use drugs to buffer his sadness or dissatisfaction with life. I am here to help, along with others, when he is ready.

Actually, my son may be learning new "skills" at the moment that I am not proud of, (but again it is his choice), but I am learning new skills as well on how to be stronger and happier and still remain supportive. I am showing my daughters that life does not only go on, but it can get better. In the end I hope that one choice my son will make, is the choice to seek help and the choice to start on the road to recovery. I also hope that when that day comes and he is enjoying more sober and enlightened days, he will look back and see who was there for him and see how much we have all grown.

                                  

Feeling Positive

Today all I want to say is that I feel that maybe this is the time when all the pieces will come together and we might actually find ourselves on the road to recovery! I say, "we" because we will all be on that road, not just my son. As a family we will need to heal and recovery and it will take time. I am not sure why I feel like recovery may be in our sight soon, but I do, for now.



I do not have any specific or significant events that has made me feel this way. It is a series of events and there still needs to be a lot of work and nudging to be done that is for sure.

Some of the things I feel good about are:
My son attending an appointment with his key worker at the drug and alcohol recovery centre.
My sessions with my support worker.
My meeting with the BRICK project (http://www.eypdas.org.uk/about-eypdas/our-services-for-children,-young-people-and-families/the-brick-project.aspx ) for the past 4 weeks.
My 5 mentor training sessions, with 13 more to go.
These last 3 have enabled me to have many discussions and meet some dedicated and caring people. One of the facilitators in the BRICK project said, it may be "fate" that has brought me to the project and the mentoring to find the right people who will help my son. Though we have tried in the past with agencies, doctors, support etc,  perhaps the time was not right and the "right" contacts were not made. Maybe now things are "right".



My daughter is open to starting her own journey to recovery by extending the help she receives by starting "Emotionally Resilient Group Therapy" provided my our local child and adolescent mental health services. This is in addition to her weekly sessions with her support worker. My youngest daughter for the first time ever has agreed to some school clubs so she now has things that will keep her busy and take the focus away from home and help build her self esteem.

Also my son has had a few very open and frank discussions with some professionals that might actually be helping him to see things more realistically. The threat of Social Services raising the stakes by possibly making this a Child Protection case is not a good thing obviously, but the fear it evokes can be used positively.



After walking away from a very unhealthy marriage and being a stay at home mom for the last 18 years, coupled with the focus on my son's drug usage for the past 6 years, I have become to feel very insecure about my abilities to succeed or perform or contribute to anything outside the family home. Actually even my capabilities as a mother has often been challenged over these last few years as a result of the addiction and the downward spiral of behaviour and  family relationships.

Ultimately, the more active I become the better I feel about myself as a person and as a mother. These factors provide me with a greater sense of hope that we will eventually embrace recovery. Comments such as, "You will be great as a mentor", "Your daughters are a credit to you for coping well and achieving at school", "You are doing very well and more than many parents would do" have allowed me to feel more positive. I can also see that there is one or two people we have come into contact with that really want to help us, because they really care.

Of course there have been things happening that aren't so great or positive, but do you know what? I don't want to think about those situations and worries today!

                                         
                                         
People can survive addiction and come out still having a loving family and a positive future, and we will be one of those.

It's All Relative

Like with so many things we experience in life, especially with the difficulties we have, it is all relative. What may seem like a very stressful situation to some, may seem commonplace to others. I appreciate and understand this, yet sometimes feel I should not be feeling like I do about my son and his addiction.

I have heard stories now, through this blog and the various communities around addiction and mental illness on Google+, where parents have lost their children to suicide or overdoses. I have heard stories in which families are permanently torn apart and those broken relationships are never repaired. People who have lived on the streets for years and living horrendous lives because of their addiction, sometimes suffering from mental health issues as well. Also as I am attending more and more training sessions for my mentoring, and I hear stories of people who lived the life of an addict for 10 or even 20 years before getting and staying in recovery. And I am feeling helpless, drained, guilty, worried, frustrated, ashamed, devastated, parentally unfit, disgusted, distrusting, depressed, scared....because my son has been using drugs since he was 13 and has been an addict for about 3-4 years!? He is still alive, he is still at home, I still have my daughters, I still have our house, we still have options and possibilities...it seems wrong to be so deep into my feelings of despair when all around I know so much worse has happened to others and is going on all around us.

Now as I said, it is all relative. I have no experience of addiction before. I have had many issues in my own life around poor health and times of depression and anxiety. I have watched both my parents die. I have uprooted myself from my country and started a very different life and a life very different to what I imagined. I lived in a very bad marriage for many years,  in a home environment that was very tense and controlling and at times emotionally abusive for the children. But before all that, when I look back into my childhood, though I battled with my illness from the age of 7, I was HAPPY. We lived in a nice home, in a nice area with nice people. It was all very nice.  I loved my parents and they loved me. I had an exceptionally good and kind and loving and supportive mother. My father always provided for us and was there when we needed him. Even after my parents divorced, they remained friends and he would spend the majority of his weekends with all of us in our family home. There was never an issue if my mother needed help whether financially or otherwise, he would help his family, because we were still a family even after the divorce.

I was educated and enthusiastic and open, hoping for a wonderful life ahead of my and with all my dreams, my biggest dream was always to be a mother! That is another time I can remember being HAPPY, when I learned that I was pregnant with my first child. I remember repeating the pregnancy test, and again, and then looking in the bathroom mirror, and with tears in my eyes saying aloud to myself, "You are going to be a mommy". It brings tears to my eyes now as I remember.

I am so very sensitive and feel things so profoundly and my son is the same. Are relationship could not have been more perfect and more loving. Despite everything else that was wrong, having him was right! Having him all to myself for his first 5 years was wonderful and I was so confidant that we successfully created a firm foundation for our son and that he will have that foundation to build himself on. So child psychology would like us to believe, but that proved to be anything but the case for us!

Each time I fell pregnant, if everything else was wrong, being pregnant was always right and in a perfect world I would have had more children because to me nothing surpasses that joy.

With that joy comes responsibility and sometimes anguish as well, as I now know.

My pain to me is very real, even when I know it could be worse, as it has been for others. My son's life is difficult for me to observe helplessly. The pain and sadness I see in my daughters faces are not illusions, they are real as well. The years of their precious childhood lost. So this is my reality and my experience and to me it is dreadful.

Today as I wake up to my son more or less passed out on the sofa, with all his messes around him and the mess he has left for me everywhere, I feel empty. I feel life is wrong and I want to make it right. I feel we are approaching the end of the line soon. The drugs will have to end, the stealing will have to end, the abuse will have to end and ultimately for my son, his denial will have to end and he will need to face up to his demons.

I hope he will and I know that the road ahead, if he chooses a path to recovery, will be even harder than this life with drugs, and I hope he will come out of it a survivor. I do not want us to be saying these same things 10 or 20 years down the line. I do not want to loose my son to homelessness or suicide or an overdose.

My heart goes out to all those people out there whose reality is darker than mine, I admire your strength, courage and resiliency. I do not know if I could survive what you have endured. I hope other people out there will not have to either. I hope we all have brighter and happier days ahead of us!

Nothing is Ever Smooth Sailing

For all my attempts at trying to stay focused and positive and finding a direction to achieve recovery for my son and us as a family, I always seem to have something remind me that it may not be possible. Perhaps it is not a message that it is impossible, perhaps the message is, it will be longer and harder than you would like, but my vulnerable emotional state is perceiving it as impossible.



After weeks, or possibly longer, of not eating dinner around the table, all together, as a family, last night we did. However, when my son appeared at the table obviously high and wanting to engage in idle chit chat (bringing more attention to his altered state because it has not been part of his "natural" personality for a long time to engage in pleasantries) it achieved no positive outcomes.

First of all I got on edge and the more I reminded myself not to comment on his obvious altered state, the more edgy I got, the more inquisitive my son got to my apparent annoyance, the more uncomfortable my older daughter became etc. So my daughter became very quiet, kept looking at me in such a way to convey her anxiety to me, and ate quickly. She was delighted when I voluntarily excused her from the table. My youngest daughter did not seem to mind too too much since she was in meat heaven, as we have been nearly meat free for about two months because of finances, and we have been able to eat better on occasion recently. My son could not sit in silence and so I explained to him that we need to be making baby steps. The mere fact that he is sitting with us at the table is a step that we must appreciate and expecting us to all partake in dinner conversation might just be asking a bit too much too soon. Realising that his intoxicated ramblings would not be reciprocated he started to express himself with the more customary disapproving comments. He started off by giving me a backhanded compliment regarding my cooking, "The rice is delicious. Just the right amount of seasoning. Now if you could only be bothered to measure the amount of salt you add, your rice would be this delicious each and every time instead of hit and miss". Now this upset my older daughter because she appreciates good food and my cooking. I say this in the most non conceited way that I am a rather good cook, and never have I heard otherwise. The thing that annoys me even more about my son's comments, is not that I get offended that I think he is insulting my cooking, it is the fact that many of his comments come across as male chauvinistic comments. Such comments often bring to mind characters like Ralph Kramden (The Honeymooners), Fred Flinston (The Flinstons), or Homer Simpson (The Simpsons). My son will often tell me it is "my job" to do menial chores or to serve him because that is what women do. Last night I told him I do not appreciate his chauvinistic attitude and instead he can show me his appreciation for the nice meal I prepared by cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. That ensued more insulting comments that that is not a man's job and you never see men doing that!



Forgive for going off on a tangent again but this attitude really strikes a nerve with me, and with him for that matter. As much as I want to teach my son to be respectful of women and not to play into gender stereotypes, he has been influenced by others. Though his father never bellowed at me, "Woman where is my dinner", there were many other less dramatic ways in which his attitudes and his control over me has left an impression. Since there were no other role models in his life to counteract that impression and no matter how advance we become as a society, there are still apparent gender stereotypes in our culture, he thinks his way of thinking is the accepted one from society.

Besides the fact that I want my son to grow into what I define as a good man (caring, supportive, protective, providing, compassionate, understanding, non judgemental, hard working, loving) and to eradicate such stereotypes from his way of thinking, I also feel uncomfortable about the inappropriateness of a son who is acting more like a controlling, insulting, jerk of a husband.

So, it began with comments about my cooking. His sister was then excused and this led to comments about my preferential treatment and the differences I make between my children. Somehow we started talking about contributions we all make or do not make to the family and hence employment was brought up. My son kindly shared with my that it is not due to the extreme stress and dysfunction and dependency on me that I have found it impossible to go back to work, it is because I am unemployable and that no one would want to hire me. I tried to retaliate and then we talked about what type of future opportunities will he have if he continues living as he is living. He was adamant that his prospects will always be better than mine and since so many of my buttons were being pushed I reminded him of some of his past school mates and how they have part time jobs, are travelling, have university acceptances etc. Obviously, our family meal was not going too well!

What did I say when I said my son actual joined us for dinner? Oh yes, he was "high", "intoxicated", "altered" etc, so why didn't I just keep telling myself that and intellectualise and rationalise his comments and deflect them rather than play into them? Well, there you go! For all the wonderful, positive, optimistic intentions in the world we are all human and when we are so personally involved and the buttons are being pushed it is so easy to get pulled into a silly pointless argument.

It ended with all his buttons being pushed as well and then retaliating as he always does that I am a c*** and that I never tell any of the "professionals" how I insult him and make him feel horrible about himself. I know that that is not really what happened, but I also know that reminding him that his friends have all moved on with their lives and have plans for the future, where he does not, ultimately hurts him and insults him. Was that my intention? Not really. However, all of us will push back when we are being pushed, it does not matter what the nature of our relationship is. He was pushing my buttons, so I eventually pushed his back.




Fortunately for my son, much of these incidences are while he is on a substance or coming down from that substance and he will quickly "forget" or his mood will quickly change. Of course it is not really forgotten, I believe it has left it's negative mark. Things did not escalate too bad last night and he quickly "forgot", to the point of him asking, "why were you mad at me tonight?".

Today is another day, and though it is now 1:00 pm my son is till fast asleep and will probably remain asleep for a few more hours. I started my day hours ago and top of my "to do" list was phone the GP to try to book an appointment with him for my son and his "case worker" (though he technically is not, he is just one of the few in his profession, like any profession, who truly wants to help and make a difference). That was the plan of action today to try to get my son to the Dr, but unfortunately my son's GP is off ill! Next week then!

I have to say, that since this journey began several years ago, we have encountered some incompetent professionals as well as some who were just downright unpleasant, but I think we have (I know I have) met some wonderful people along the way.

When I met my now ex husband, him and his friends nicknamed me "Susie Sunshine" because I was so positive and optimistic and thought there was good in the world. My husband on the other hand, had two nick names, "Moody Mick" as well as "Bitter & Twisted" which needs no explanation why someone would have such nicknames! Over the years my ex husband's view on the world and people darkened even more. Eventually his gloom overshadowed my sunshine and it gradually eclipsed away. I sometimes get glimmers of that sunshine and through the years the rays are trying to become stronger. I want to possess the hope, warmth and light that sunshine brings to the world and leave behind the doom and gloom and despair that the dark clouds bring. Last night was just a small passing cloud over my family and sunshine, one day, will prevail! Kind of corny...but I am kind of corny sometimes!

Hope

It is ironic that I have been unhappy how our lives seem to revolve around drugs and yet, I have been doing things lately that are making my life focus on drugs even more. Of course the difference being that formerly it has been my son's drug taking and addiction that has been the focus, and now it is about me wanting to learn more, speak more openly to others with similar problems or interests and trying to gain the tools to help my son, myself and eventually others.



Never have I been closed minded about drugs or judgemental about people who take them, however, in recent years I have seen my family start to fall apart and suffer because of the detrimental affects drug use can have, I have wished that I would have never known anything about drugs! It was not an education I chose to have, it most definitely was not an education that I would have ever wanted any of my children to have! In fact, to be honest, I sometimes become very angry and disappointed in myself, and my son to be honest, that I have somehow been responsible for my youngest daughter to grow up in her most innocent years learning things no one at her age should learn. Of course I feel the same sense of responsibility and disappointment and guilt over my other daughter's pain and damage she has suffered due to the influence drugs have had on our household and family. Like any parent, when I look at my son, I feel I have also somehow let him down, first because I did not fulfil all his needs and therefore he felt he had to turn to drugs, and secondly because once I was aware that there was a problem, I was unable, and have been unable, to help him enough. I know, I know, it has to come from the addict, he needs to want to get help...but at such a young age of 15/16 would he have been able to make the mature decision that he needs help? Now that he is 18 people look at the situation differently, but I can't help but to look back and in hindsight think I should have been doing more! Then ultimately that leads me to the thoughts that if it his addiction that is causing the problems, if he is an "adult" who can decide whether he wants help or not, then it stands to reason that my daughters are not in the same position and I need to focus more on them....it goes round and round in my mind, in my heart, in my very soul on a daily basis. Now I may be disappointing people when I say...I still believe that I can help ALL 3 of them and that we can ALL come out of this healthy and whole and one day I WILL have all 3 of my children leading good lives and they will all be grateful. Is that foolish or unrealistic? I do not think so, though I am sure others may disagree.



OK, so I got off on a tangent like I so often do!

My point when I started writing today was that I am getting more involved in drugs! I have had 2 training sessions in the lengthy mentor training process which was focused on drug and alcohol education. Many people on the course, as I would expect, are recovering addicts, and I find them not only interesting people but also an inspiring testament to me that people can recover after  many years of dependency and addiction! I look at them and think...WOW, there is hope. Plus they want to help others...an even bigger WOW!

Last night I attended my second session of The BRICK Project which is a combination of an al-anon type of meeting as well as an informative course with different guest speakers. Talking to other parents who have different stories and situations but we all share the common ground of living with a child who suffers from a substance misuse problem and the ramifications it has on the family and the guilt we as mothers share is not only strangely comforting, but also reassuring that we are not alone.



I suppose looking back through the years,  the opportunities did not present themselves  before as they are now. Maybe things do happen for a reason and maybe now is the time we will be led in the direction we are meant to be in and in the process find help. I don't know. One thing I know that though I sought help for my son in the past and though we did have contact with various services nothing transformed, nothing happened, nothing worked, no new doors were opened. Now again I find myself in the situation that we have been seeking help and though nothing has "worked" yet in regard to finding a path to recovery, there seems to be more possibilities this time. Also in the process I may have found a new path in my own life, my life that somehow became stagnated in a bad marriage and its aftermath. Now I find myself where I wanted to be years ago after I studied psychology in university, wanting to find a way to help others. I am also rediscovering that I am an intelligent woman, I do have things to offer and my last has not been wasted!

As for my son, well he has met with one of the members of the drug and alcohol team three times now, someone my son feels a connection with based on their common knowledge and understanding. Someone who "gets" him. They have come up with the beginnings of an action plan and it looks promising at the moment though I am being cautious about my optimism. My son also agreed to seeing a psychiatric nurse on a spur of the moment visit (there was of course a phone call an hour prior to see if it would be ok) since my son was asleep when the scheduled home visit took place. This took place yesterday and it dispelled my son's fears that we are trying to get him "locked up" in hospital, but there is still an element of uncertainty. Hopefully it may lead to other avenues being explored, or maybe not, at least that door is now open.



I am willing to talk to anyone, seek help from anywhere because I have been saying all these years to my son,you have to keep trying and weed through a lot of people and services and advise until you find the one that will help you. It was too daunting for him, after one bad experience or outcome, he did not want to try again. I feel I must keep on and try harder than before to help us find the person or the program or the treatment that will be the one, the one that will put us all on the road to recovery because at the end of the day once my son starts to recover from his drug dependency and addiction, we as a family will all have to recover from the damage done to each of us individually as well as a family who can function as a healthy unit.

Life, as I Live It

I woke this morning to my son sleeping in a position that I assume he fell into while sleeping on a chair and slipped off. In the middle of our living room, around him his glass of beer, food meant to be eaten, his bong and mess surrounding him. He can not be woken.

His sisters bounded down the stairs full of energy to have breakfast and watch their morning cartoons. As soon as they saw what lay awaiting them on the floor, I could actually see their energy draining out of them and it being replaced with disappointment and contempt. No longer did they speak or smile and they sat down to watch their cartoons, numb and quiet, not knowing why life is the way it is. I know because I felt the same.

No one can fully understand how we feel unless those who have lived with similar circumstances. Anyone who has been touched by addiction and/or mental health issues understands. Those who have not, can not. I understand how my friends think it is as simple as giving my son a good talking to and if he does not listen, then he is no longer welcome to live here and the girls can swiftly resume living a "normal" life. I love my friends and I think some may understand more than others, but I am lucky to have them all with their different personalities and views. The long term issues we have been living with in the privacy of our home is debilitating and damaging to us all. It may seem on the surface that I am coping well or perhaps it seems that I am am being too lenient and not doing enough, but at the end of the day we are doing what we can, all of us in all of our complex and secret lives that no one really understands like we do. I readily admit that though I may empathise and sympathise with others, there are times when I think, "I do not understand", but it is not meant as a judgement.



So here we are, the day ahead of us, yet with no real desire to do anything while we hear my son snoring on the floor unable to be woken! Will I spend hours trying to wake him, too distracted to do anything else, getting more and more angry as the hours pass, feeling I have wasted my day? I have done that countless amounts of time. Or do I let him lay here and not attempt the impossible, yet by doing so it is still allowing him to disrupt our day none the less? It is hard to carry on as usual while you have a lump in the middle of your living room, the main room of the house. Or do I say to my daughters that we are going out for the day, without having the motivation or the resources to be able to spend the entire day outside! Knowing all along in the back of my mind that my son has an appointment at 3:00 to discuss rehab and the difficulties my son is experiencing, and wanting to make sure he attends that appointment?

This is life at the moment, though we are trying in many ways to change, sometimes the ways in which we are trying are not apparent to those who are looking in from the outside. I will try my best to see that everyone will get some of my attention today and try to give all my children a bit of my love and attention,  and as Scarlet said, "Tomorrow is another day"!

Being strong

Well, I am thinking, one thing is for sure, I do not like being a "strong" woman; because that means all the burden is on me to deal with! I wish I was less strong, living a less challenging life with less dysfunction!

But I am living this life, it is my life and no one else's. I am not living the life of ease or luxury. I have pain and hardship do endure, I face challenges that I often would rather not face. I have problems I do not know how to solve, and some that I can. Whether I like it or not, I AM STRONG.

I am strong, but I am no longer stupid. I know that being strong does not mean that I must do everything and do everything well and work till I feel like collapsing. I know that being strong does not mean that I can still have weaknesses and desires. I can cry, I can hide away, I can allow myself to dream of a nicer life. I can do things just for myself and not always for others. In fact these things make me STRONGER if you ask me.

I am strong to be who I am. I am strong to know that I am not perfect. I am strong to know I have made mistakes. I am strong in admitting I am sometimes unhappy and feel unloved. I am strong to let things go to focus on other things. I am strong not to always be bothered about what others may think. I am strong to know I want more. I am strong in hoping that one day I don't need to be strong!