Love, love and more love.

Not really focused on addiction today. Not really wanting to be logical or thought provoking about the way drugs and alcohol took over my family's life and all the repercussions of that. Nor do I want to intellectualise the possible reasons why my son or anyone becomes an addict. Tonight I just want to write. I want the cathartic process to help me purge my emotions and to allow the tears to flow smoothly and with purpose. I want to write about, love.

A range of loves have just came to my head as I write: parental, sibling, romantic, friendship, but also the love of self, the love of drugs and unhealthy love. I believe every human being is born needing to be loved and there is an abundance of research on how the lack of parental love in childhood has negative impact on cognitive, developmental, emotional and social/psychological growth. So from the beginning we need to feel the warmth and fulfilment love gives us the best start in life and if we don't we are more prone to having an onslaught of problems in life!



I have written in previous posts that al I wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a mother and when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child my first reaction was pure joy. It was very unfortunate that the baby's father did not share in my joy and most of my pregnancy was spent arguing. Despite the negativity and arguments, I loved, I mean I really LOVED being pregnant and carry my baby within my womb. I talked to my unborn child and messaged it as it moved about and felt intense happiness within myself at the knowledge that I was indeed going to fulfil one of my most precious dreams of becoming a mother, and nothing, not even the baby's father would take that away from me. It seems, through people I have met and stories I have heard, that sometimes having one "good", loving parent is enough while the other parent may be absent or is emotionally inadequate. However it may not be the case if one parent is emotionally abusive, though I tried to love my children and nurture them and stimulate their development as much as I could, maybe the "energy" of the house as well as the negative behaviour from their father made it so my love was not enough.

My first child was an unplanned pregnancy and caused a lot of conflict in our relationship. We did stay together and tried to make things work. Our little boy could not have been more perfect. He was loving and kind and good natured. He suffered no terrible twos or tantrums. He always held my hand and was a joy to be with. When there were moments when he had to be disciplined, he stood in his time out corner and always listened carefully to my explanations why he was having a time out. He was so full of love and positive energy and lust for life that I felt that his loved deserved to be shared and that he and his sibling would benefit from sharing his love. I always wanted a big family, but I never thought that possible and did not want that with my husband, but I felt that having a little brother or sister would be wonderful for my loving boy.

Our second child was our only planned child. It took a while but we did get pregnant and funnily enough I can not remember the exact moment I discovered I was pregnant like I do with my first. Perhaps that is because the first pregnancy is such a  milestone or perhaps it is because the second pregnancy was somewhat clouded with worry when we discovered she had club feet and were told that that may be a sign of other developmental problems. Luckily there were no other genetic or developmental problems but it did make us worry.

Sibling love. It was there and it was good for a while, then as the years went on it changed and here we are now and those two have not spoken in 18 months now. I tried to love them both, both since I was the primary care giver to my son and the person he spent most of his time with, actually ALL of his time with, there was going to be some changes. Also with the added element of severe club feet to a new born, as well as regular physiotherapy and hospital appointments and surgeries, there was a lot of added stress.

                                    A picture from the internet which resembled our baby's feet.
                                                                                                                                                                           

So for whatever reasons (extra stress, tense relationship between parents, increased resentments, lack of attention) those early days have impacted on all of our relationships with each other; however, in the beginning despite difficulties there was love between brother and sister.

As far as the relationship now, well obviously living with a chaotic drug addict and having mom's attentions being fully consumed by the problems she faced, has taken there toll on the brother sister relationship. That as well as the early stresses and that dad was not a loving and affectionate and involved father have created a sibling relationship which now seems devoid of all love.

The bonds that my two older children have with the youngest seems different again and each seem to have more love for her, yet my son seems to be more interested in pursuing a friendship with her than my middle daughter does.

In http://www.education.com/reference/article/influences-sibling-relationships/ the author discuses a range of sibling issues as well as other relationships influencing sibling relationships, as well as only children. She says:  "In homes where fathers are affectionate and helpful there are more positive sibling interactions. On the other hand, conflict between mother and each child is associated with increased sibling conflict". She goes on to say: "Children's personalities, social and cognitive skills, self concepts, values and sense of self protection from the outside world are influenced by their sibling relationships". So this type of love is different from the love we get from our parents but is very influential in our development and creating how we understand love and relationships and the world to work.

I am a die hard romantic, I have written about my feelings of true love more than once, and believe that much of my inner conflicts and feels of self doubt are due to the fact that I have been unsuccessful in finding true love. True love, romantic love is a very big part of the culture we live it, It is very commercialised and engrained in us from the first fairy tales we hear as small children. We grow up feeling the need to find that one special person out there. We also grow up feeling that is we don't have such love in our live that we are failures. I sometimes go through moments where I feel I have failed myself and also my children by not being able to find true love, yet on a deeper level it is not as simple as failing to find something I want, it is an emptiness that is created by the biological and physical as well as spiritual need to give and receive love. Human beings need love. They flourish in a loving environment and in loving relationships. People are better people when they are loved, it is that simple. When we are not, than we become bitter, self absorbed, negative, self hating and we begin to languish.

                        


Friendship is a key factor to us as children, forming our identities and branching out into the world and leaving the close-knit unit of just our family that we had as infants, toddlers and young children. However, the role that friendship plays in our development in adolescents does not stop there. Friendship is vital to us as adults, especially if we come from less than loving families. Friendships offer us not only a special type of love but because we choose each other as friends, it is unique in its bond. We have similar interests and we like each other and we want to spend time together because friendship often give us a great deal of fun in our lives. On the other hand, we have all experienced the age old saying that you  know who your friends are when the chips are down! When life throws us conflict and struggle from all angles we need the support from friends especially if we are single, in a dysfunctional relationship. and/or have poor family ties.

I often turn to music for comfort and release and I find if we aren't singing about love, then we are singing about friends or if neither than we are singing about getting high or drunk!
There are so many songs about friendship! This song "Lean On Me" popped into my head last night after not hearing it for many years and the lyrics are very poignant:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Writer(s): Bill Withers
Copyright: Interior Music Corp. 

In times of sorrow, pain or when we are lost and confused, we need a friend to lean on. We need the support of our friends. Our friends will remind us that no matter what,  they will still be there and just as importantly, that a true friend will in turn be there for you despite their own problems. We do not need to feel weak or ashamed that we have "lost face" or are incapable of fixing our own problems, we are not in the least. I think that when we are "brave" enough to go to our friends with our demons then we are showing how much we love and respect our friends that we trust them. We are also opening ourselves to them and showing that we trust the friendship that we can put ourselves in a vulnerable position, "bearing our soul" if you like. I know we all have friends that serve a purpose, friends who are specific to certain situations, acquaintances etc, but while talking about friendship I refer to the real and true, tried and tested friendships that we may have, may only have one of, some of us may have had and lost or some of us are still hoping for. Our friends will not fix our problems, that is not what we want or need, sometimes we do not even ask for advise, we just want and need support, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or sometimes we just want to go to our friends and let lose and have a bit of fun so that we can feel rejuvenated and refreshed and energised so that we can face our problems as a stronger person. Friendship, reciprocal and supportive friendship is like gold to us. If you are lucky enough to find love AND friendship, then you have found the whole pot of gold!

                  

The irony of love is that sometimes we need to have experienced being loved in a healthy way in a healthy home to be able to find healthy love later in life , but people who grew up in loveless or dysfunctional homes and who need love most, do not have the skills to find or maintain healthy and loving relationships/friendships. That is when we often turn to "things" to make us "happy" or actually to make us forget that we are feeling unhappy and unloved. "Things" such as: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping (retail therapy), money and status, just about anything that makes us feel good temporarily. If we did not experience healthy love, we sometimes are attracted to people who are unhealthy for us, treating us in ways we should not be treated yet because it is a familiar feeling and it helps "prove" our self fulfilling prophesy that we are "unworthy" and do not deserve to find happiness. This is way so many people stay in co dependent relationships, do not seek help if they are suffering from a dysfunctional family relationship or allow people to use them as objects of ridicule rather than including them in peer groups, or to be controlled by others. I can understand when my son says he LOVES drugs because in fact since his childhood he has had very little successful relationships within the family and in school and in friendships and he has never experienced any form of romantic love. So if he takes opiates that give him that "warm, fuzzy hug from inside" then, yes, he would want that again and again. If he has many unpleasant and unhappy memories and taking dissociative and sedative drugs  help blur his reality and impair his memory, then yes, he will want to use them again. The longer he relies on substances, the harder he will be able to create happiness without them, for obvious social and psychological reasons, but also from a brain chemistry point of view because the opiate receptors will rewire his brain so that pleasure will be associated with opiates rather than other "happiness". It will be a long process for my son to find other forms of love, to believe in love, to rewire his pleasure and happiness receptors, to trust others and make himself vulnerable. The reward would be friendship, love and happiness,that is the ultimate goal.
                                                                                                                                                                                        

So the bottom line wont come as a surprise to anyone, we all NEED to be loved from infancy throughout our entire life. Though our needs change and the types of relationships that give us love change, we all ultimately function better and thrive when we are loved and can love in a healthy and open way. We do not need to fear what love and friendship offer us, because it does not make us weaker or insignificant or shamed. We can still be true to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves but gain support and energy and respite from turning to those we love in times of chaos and conflict.

It may sound simple, but like another great song says, "love is all you need " and everything else will fall into place!

                              
                            
                             

Crushed Dreams

My son has stolen from me large amounts of money over the years, promising that one day he will pay me back. Having said this when my son buys himself things it upsets me that he continues to be irresponsible and disrespectful towards me by never giving me any money towards "repayment".



So when he announced a few months ago how he bought a concert ticket for £80 I was not impressed, to say the least. When I questioned him about this and he said it is an amazing opportunity to see a band (Atoms of Peace) because its members of a few huge rock bands playing together in a small venue and he doesn't know when, if ever, he can see them again. I tried to explain that one of the things about being an adult is realising there are things that we would very much like to do, however, if we can not afford it or if it is not the "right thing" to do at the time, then we have to sacrifice our desires and hope that another opportunity will come our way in the future.

Well, of course the ticket has been bought, and like most concert tickets it is non refundable. When the night of the concert starts approaching and my son starts to ask me money for train costs into London because he has no money, I do not sympathise at all and continue to firmly say, "No".

The day of the concert has finally arrived. Friday night! Months of my son waiting eagerly to see this "amazing" band is finally here. I start to think that he has bought the ticket, instead of paying me back. I think we have been eating beans this weak because I am broke. I think it has been so long since he has been anywhere. I think a night without conflict would be a welcome change. I think, eh what the heck, I will give him £10 towards the train ticket, no more to squander on drinking though.



My son is up in the morning and says how he plans to get ready and do a few things on the computer and delete photos on his camera so he can take some pics and wants to leave at about 2-3 pm so that he can stand in line and be guaranteed a good spot. OK, great.

I take my youngest daughter to the park to meet friends for a picnic and told my son I may not be home before he leaves. We stay out longer because my daughter and the rest of the children have been invited back to one of the houses to splash about in the paddling pool. It is nearly 4 pm and I have not heard anything from my son, but that is ok. I decide to call home though and see how he and my older daughter are.

Well by the time I got home at nearly 5 pm, my son was just getting into the shower. Hours passed with him saying he feels nervous and nauseous. He drank his opium tea. He took some benzos. He smoked some weed. It wasn't helping. He told me he was scared. I tell him it's understandable since he has not been out for so long, but it will be ok once he gets there. He finally said at one point he is getting his shoes on and packing his backpack, this was nearly 7 pm and that is when the concert venue was opening its doors. Travel time from where we live would be just a little more than an hour. He says, its ok, they have an opening band and he doesn't care if he misses it. He has some more opium tea, whether he had more pills , I do not know. I go up to his room to see what is going on, again, he is struggling with putting his photos onto his computer, it is not recognising the device....he is getting very anxious and worried. I tell him not to take his camera, he will always have the memories of being there.




It is now time to put my youngest to bed...I fall into snoozing mode while doing so. When I finally come out of the bedroom I am shocked at how late it is and that my son is still not ready to go. He says he was feeling so anxious so he self medicated but it didn't work. The later it gets the worse he feels about himself but he is insistent that he will still go, even if he only catches the last song. Finally, it is 10:30, it will be 11:30 at the earliest when he gets there, so I have to tell him that he can not go any more, it is too late. He talked about what a loser he is, what a waste, and that everytime he really wants something he never gets it and how nothings ever works out for him etc. He started to cry. He was sitting in the living room, crying. I felt so incredibly sad for him, yet because of the nature of our relationship these last few months, I felt paralysed. I listened and I reassured him that there will be another time. Inside I was feeling sad and worried and I thought that this incident highlights to me my son's emotional and psychological problems. This entire evening is not "normal". I thought, how am I going to ask him to leave if he refuses to go into rehab?

He calmed down and fell asleep on the sofa after watching a bit of tv.

Next day he asked me, "what can I do to feel better about last night?"

I did not have an answer.

At one point, no actually more than once, I have tried to highlight to my son that this shows how serious his problems are and that is why the intense therapy in rehab while coming off the drugs would be so important to him. This of course upsets him. He talked about how he would have been able to go to the concert if he was on methadone. He talked about how the drug clinic deliberately kicked him out to make him suffer. He talked about how he has too many worries about how to stay on his other drugs now, cost and effort etc. He talked about how none of "them" care about him. He talked about how every care professional is only interested in filling out the paperwork but doesn't give a damn about him. He talked about how the doctor did not like him and wanted to punish him. He talked about how non of this "helping" ever helps, it only makes it worse and I am the one who wanted all this "help" and he always said it would just make things get worse.



I just don't know what to do. All the while I am being faced with our home being repossessed because my ex husband does not care to help and is putting all the pressure and responsibility on me. My ex is trying to use his intimidation and control, just as always, into making me feel it is my fault. Well, when I explain to his father how consumed I have been with our son's problems, and indeed all our children's problems, how time consuming all the appointments and meetings are, and that I am trying like mad not to make our son homeless....his answer, without any expression is that we will all be homeless. Is it any wonder that our son has so many issues that have been there since childhood, festering inside and getting more convoluted? Is it any wonder our son turned to drugs?  I am not placing blame here, I am recognising a key factor that played a part in our sons disease, just as much as I have recognised how, for a while, I enabled that disease to grow.



My son was crying because he missed a gig he was looking forward  to for months to see. He felt sad. A dream crushed. So many dreams have been crushed in my son's life. Friendships, Education. Family. A future. Maybe one of the biggest dreams however,  that have been crushed, is the dream of a loving caring involved father to teach, to play with, to grow up with....to love.

A Father's Responsibility....or Not

On Saturday, I saw my ex husband briefly while I "handed over" our daughters. When the mood suits him he will txt me asking to see them. It is always the same thing, lunch and a film, or sometimes just one and not both. In general he sees his daughters for 2-4 hours approximately every 6-8 weeks. He never visited with our son, until he became 18 and then meeting up for a pint was a novelty that soon wore off when reality started to become involved in their conversations while sipping their pints. Now they don't see each other again, it has been about 3 months since our my saw his father. Toying with our son's emotions is obviously not a big concern to him.

Tara had already said to me that she is tired of always going to the movies with Daddy, it is boring sometimes. Well, I am thinking that the movies is such an easy option for their father because no contact or communication is necessary for almost two hours. However, she will not tell him, because she finds him scary to talk to. No one wanted to bring this topic up, so it was just left since my words fall on deaf ears.

After all these years of separation and eventual divorce, I still become so anxious before hand and nearly always feel shaken afterwards. This last Saturday was no different and in fact I was quite upset.



As always when we meet in the car park of our local park (he refuses to come to the house), and then he tends to give the girls some small tokens, usually free samples he has picked up in conferences etc. for me to take home.  I am always uncomfortable in my awareness that he has nothing for our son, except the occasionally chocolate bar and usually a type of bar our son does not like! I wonder if this differentiation is intentional or not?

My ex then tells the girls to go wait by the park gates and I am surprised how quickly they obey him without muttering a word.

Then starts the very unpleasant conversation or more like "inquiry" regarding the recent letters from the bank, solicitors and court office regarding our house.

My ex husband and I are both on the mortgage and part of the divorce settlement was that we will share the proceeds from the house once sold after our youngest child is 18, and the split is 70% 30% in my favour. The house was not signed over to me because my ex would not agree to it but also because the bank would not agree since I would would have to re-mortgage it in my name and I am unemployed whereas my ex husband earns a pretty good living. The irony of it all is that my husband is not legally required to pay for any of the mortgage, so he stopped doing so nearly two years ago!



Well enough of that, the point is that my ex husband questioned me as to what am I intending to do about this situation. I quickly explained to him the intensity of our problems at home which are largely due to our son's drug and emotional problems and the vast amount of professionals involved, how time consuming and draining it is. I explained that my priority has been our children and their well being. I said that I am trying my best to help our son and convince him that rehab is the way forward or I will have no choice but to put him out and he will be homeless.

His father's reaction.....are you ready???? Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Didn't even flinch a muscle, did not change his expression, did not display any body language other than his intimidating stance. His words:  "You will ALL be homeless soon"!!!!



I was nearly in tears at this moment but I was trying desperately to maintain my composure. I explained that surely we can come to an agreement, an arrangement of sort that he pays in some money into the arrears to stop the court proceeding? He has a good job as well as two parents who are in a position to help. Nope! He can not. OM MY GOD, but I  can??? He then has the audacity to ask if our son knows and what is he doing about it " Is he looking for work? Is he signed on to unemployment benefits? Hel-lo? YOU ARE THE FATHER OF THESE CHILDREN, YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY!

So it is left in my hands. My daughters knew something was up and my older daughter txted me later to ask if I am ok. When I tried to talk to my son about it he refused and wanted to hide away from the truths about his father and the truths of our situation.

OK, not exactly about the addiction which is the main element of this blog, but the fact that that this "man" (I have to put man in quotations because in my mind he is not a man if he can be so cruel to his own children) is willing to see his children made homeless is mind boggling. The fact that it is somewhat connected to his first born child's, his only son's severe drug addiction brought on no doubt by serious emotional pain is just indecent to the highest degree! If I were in his shoes, I would have been so upset and feel such heartache and knowing that I may not have the power to help our son, he most certainly does have the power to help keep his children housed in their family home! Unbelievable!

I am reminded how much emotional damage has been done and is still being done. Our son has suffered a lot because of this man and all of his children continue to suffer because he can not stop his control game over me and he is relishing in watching "super mom" fall and take their three offspring down as well in the process.

When I went to pick up the girls, he walks over to the car after our daughters get in and he puts his head through our daughter's window and glared at me and slowly shook his head.....I felt sick and I could not get home fast enough!