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Saturday, 8 June 2013

Why, how??

It is quite shocking that any and every kind of drug is easy to access. Who would imagine that so many different drugs can be bought over the internet and sent in the post? Sounds so dangerous and illegal, yet it happens. My son has bought so much, some I am aware of and I am sure some that I am not aware of. Some have ended up in the bin, some have not. Things like his poppy pods, Valium, sleeping pills and a variety of  Benzodiazepine sedatives. he has tried many on that Wikipedia list! Muscle relaxants, anticonvulsant pills, cannabis, cannabis seeds, heroin, THC chemical, many other chemicals I could not begin to try to know what they were or how they are spelt! So many many horrible things.

Put blocks on computers. Do not allow your children to have bank accounts. Take their smart phones away. Hide your money and bank details. Don't let then talk to friends! How do we stop it? If there is a strong enough desire they will always find a way.

I remember when my son was still in school and the amount of "good kids" messing about with drugs. Cannabis and alcohol, of course. Then you heard stories of Ketamine and Mephedrone. I heard stories of nice kids being rushed to hospital because of alcohol poisoning after downing bottles of vodka. I heard stories of nice kids going to an under 18 music club where the parents would take them and pick them up later. All the time the kids would smuggle with them vodka, pot etc and get "wasted" in the car park before the music. All these kids were good students and had nice parents. They were allowed to go to London gigs with friends and no parent from the age of 14. London would be an hour to an hour and a half train and underground journey from where we live. They would be travelling back very late. They could go to parties and even stay outdoors in a field "camping" overnight before they were 16! All the while there was some substance being taken.

I thought I was a good parent. I would not let my son attend gigs in London, only if I came too, until he was 17. He did not want to go to the under 18 club, but then later after he told me stories of what the kids get up to and when he did want to go, I said no. Camping? In a field? With no adults when you are kids still? No way! I let him go to parties when he wanted to, which was very rarely. I let friends come over here, even when I discovered they had smoked, or taken magic mushrooms or drank...I would not send them home and tell them they were not allowed back. Instead I would sit down with them and talk to them, when the were in a fit state and told them I was disappointed and the dangers of what they are doing etc and not to do it again.

Those kids all continued with their lives. They all got their GCSE's with good marks (High school diploma). They all went on to 6 Form College at the age of 16 and stuck to it. (6 Form college in the UK is like college in the USA and they get AA degree qualifications). Now most of them are looking forward to University, some taking a year off before University to travel. All of them have remained in good terms with their family and despite all the crazy experimentation with drugs and the level of free rein, none of them developed a drug problem.

How am I suppose to feel when the social worker says he thinks my son turned to drugs as a way of escaping from the bad relationship with his father (yes, we are all in agreement there) and that he continues to take drugs and has become so aggressive because of the amount of resentment and bitterness he now has for me because I "allowed" it to happen? So even though I was a loving mother and had a fantastic relationship with my son while he was a child, so wonderful in fact that his father was jealous of our relationship, even though I was supportive and helpful and understanding during the past 5 years of drug use and misuse, I am still the one who is causing the psychological problems within my son and creating a need to use drugs as a coping mechanism? I WAS very loving and always used positive reinforcement, not his father. Yet, now after my son has stolen several thousand  British pounds from me, is verbally abusive, is disrespectful, emotionally upsetting towards his younger sisters, NOW that I can not take it any more and am no longer affectionate or understanding of my son...I am told I need to repair our relationship and develop better techniques to help him change and improve? Why is it always the mothers who are told to bare the burden and made to feel responsible?

All I ever wanted was a loving family. I always wanted to be a mom. I enjoyed everything that motherhood had to offer. And I thought I was a damn good mom. My friends, family, my children's friends all thought so too. So why are we suffering so much now? Why did this happen? Intellectually you can rationalise what were the contributing factories that lead to my son's drug problem. Spiritually or philosophically, you can not begin to understand why it happened to a wonderful, bright, loving, intelligent boy who had a mother who raised him well, loved him more than she thought it possible to love, spent time with him, fostered his mind and imagination, laughed and played with him , set out rules and boundaries that until 13 he respected, raised him to be an honest, kind, honourable, thoughtful could this happen? How can I now have a son who shouts foul obscenities at me?  Steals from me? Lies to me?  Is aggressive and abusive towards me? Blames me for EVERYTHING? HOW?

Drug and alcohol addiction can happen to anyone, in any environment, from any background, at any age. We need to try to understand this problem because I feel it is far more common than most people realise. Give them all strength because it is a hard, hard life, but no matter how much shit we go through, I still believe we can overcome this and I still have a sliver of hope left within me.