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Saturday, 22 June 2013

It's all about ME

I keep wondering why no one can understand that this boy has serious problems. I guess that I am the one with the real problem. I am the one who is persisting that someone can help us. I am the one who keeps hanging on to hope. I am the one who could not live with the guilt of putting him out. I am the one living a life I don't want to and watching my daughters live a life I don't want them to.

I am listening to him now about how I have to buy him everything, I should be paying for EVERYTHING. I should pay for his i pod to be repaired, books, guitars, passports, internet, caffeine pills, bus fares, phones, prescriptions, beer,...

I  have caused his sleep to get worse because he can't listen to his i pod in bed, it is because I have not fixed his ipod or bought him a replacement.

We missed a birthday party today because he kept saying that I was not invited because its at night and no parents are invited. I said NO I was invited and his sisters and I was told midday and that he would give me the address. We kept arguing and disagreeing. When his friend txted him that the party is over why didn't we go my son lied but did not think he was lying. When I challenged him on why he is lying, he wanted to convince me that it was my fault for not convincing him that I was right and that I should have made him get up and get ready and I should have got us to the party! It is my fault that we didn't go.

It is my fault that he has no more friends because I had to make everyone know about his addiction problem...I think his friends knew there were problems and I never even spoke to them! But apparently I have ruined everything and I am to blame for EVERYTHING!

I should help him in his "recovery" with buying him the things he wants so that he can be occupied and keep his mind of the dugs. It is not good enough to go to the library if he wants to read. I have to buy him books. I wanted this "recovery" therefore I need to pay for the Methadone. I want him to get up so therefore I should buy him caffeine pills to help him.

I also want him to do chores around the house, help in the garden, look for work or get on benefits so he can start contributing financially, go to all the sessions offered at the clinic, go into rehab....yet those things I really want do not seem to be relevant!

Funny thing is he has bought 200 Nitrazapam for £90, his money. He wants a passport which is roughly £90 but it is my responsibility, because he wants to go to a festival in France. He wants to go on holiday with us, but we sure the hell do not want a holiday with him. I bought him a passport last year, he lost it...yet it is my responsibility to buy another?

I am stupid because I do not understand that in order to give up opium he needs to increase his benzos. I am the one who wanted him to give up I need to support his benzo habit! What I actually wanted was for him to give up EVERYTHING and for him to WANT to get help and "fix" things.

OK I am starting to see that I am actually the one in the wrong here and I am putting up with this and I am letting the girls be exposed to this. I am the one that is hoping that someone, somehow can rescue us all buy offering the solution. I am the one who thinks that somehow the light will be turned on in my son's mind and he will WANT to get better. I am the one to blame that this situation is just going on and on. No will will put my son in the hospital. No one will put him in rehab. No one will give him a magic wand to WANT to recovery. No one will lift the burden of responsibility off my shoulders. No one will come in and rescue us. It is all on my decision how I allow our family to live. If I keep thinking that my son will get better while under my roof, then I am the one who ultimately is to blame that all of us our suffering. No matter what I do I will ALWAYS have some guilt and I just have to come to terms with this and bite the bullet and stop waiting for help.