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Saturday, 1 June 2013

Trying Hard

OK, somewhere out there must have a similar story. I sure would like to know if other people can explain to me what it means when someone says, "I am working really hard" to change the life created by drugs and to in fact, I am assuming, give up drugs.

I have never had a problem with drugs or alcohol so I am really trying to understand with all my heart what it feels like to be addicted and then try to recover from that.

My son said to me he is "working really hard" but I am sorry, I just don't see it. Is the fact that he is taking substitute "medicine" really hard?

My son still drinks moderately, still takes benzos and still has the occasional smoke. In fact, he made the mistake of using my phone to email a "friend" and I see he had received some heroin as a "free gift" when he ordered several hundred benzos a few months back. Now he is discussing with this supplier that he might want some more heroin but will definitely be ordering some more pills!

My son still sleeps all day, still does no work around the house, still has a problem with getting to appointments and says how much he hates it all. He does not want to do any of the therapies Open Road has to offer. He thinks acupuncture is stupid. He thinks that group sessions are stupid and not for him. He thinks relaxation techniques are a waste of time. When he goes to see his key worker and doctor at the drug and alcohol centre where he gets his prescriptions, he says they are rubbish and do not listen to him and are not given him the right medicine or dose. He knows better and they should listen to him.

I know he is not in a place right now to consider work, but finding some healthy outlet such as a hobby, course, or training might be a good distraction. He will not sign on for any financial assistance and therefore expects me to pay for all his prescriptions as well as everything else.

His behaviour does not seem to be changing very much and he still gets very aggressive and angry. Despite my disapproval and telling him his behaviour is unacceptable, he carries on. He swears opening and often in front of his younger sisters. He calls me and his 13 year old sister a f****** c*** front of his 8 year old sister. He refuses to do jobs I ask him him to do. He has lost almost all of his social contacts and his last friend who was willing to be there for him through all of this seems to have lost patience.


After my son came home from his appointment yesterday I heard, "I don't like it. I don't want to go." After his second appointment yesterday, centred more on the drug replacement and also the social services side, he said he told them my statement, "If things do not improve soon,  I will have to put you out because if I don't my daughters will be taken away".  I said this trying to scare him. He told me that after telling his key worker that this is the pressure I am putting on him, she did not discount this and said even if it comes to that it takes a long time before the girls will be taken away! This scared the shit out of me that this is something that can actually happen, yet it did not shake my son at all. His reaction was that everyone is over reacting.

Oh, just as a slight digression as to the emails I mentioned it just so unbelievable that anyone can buy heroin and it is sent in the post? I have been very careful with the post. How does he manage to sneak it by me? Is it being sent to another address? I do not know. Or is it hidden in something that looks legitimate like when he receives cds or something?

This is the list of pills this guy sells:

Oxazepam 10mg - 20
Tofisopam 50mg - 20
Bromazepam 6mg - 20
Clonazepam 2mg - 40
Lorazepam 2.5mg - 30
Midazolam 5mg/ml - 10

Price (pill/ampoule each):

Oxazepam 10mg - 0.5gbp
Tofisopam 50mg - 1gbp
Bromazepam 6mg - 0.8gbp
Clonazepam 2mg - 0.8gbp
Lorazepam 2.5mg - 0.8gbp
Midazolam 5mg/ml - 5gbp


I think they started chatting on some drug forum website and things progressed from there.

I believe in freedom of speech, the press and all that, but I do become very nauseous when I think of all the things that are possible on the internet!

Back to my issue today....

Working hard would be really trying to get clean. To doing all it takes. Trying to regain trust and respect. Trying to change not only what drugs you take, but change your view and change your patterns and change your behaviour. Yes, I know this can take years to accomplish, but I do not see the initial steps being made.

Maybe the biggest obstacle is his acceptance, he still  feels he is being forced into this and he is doing it for me. I want him to want to do all this for himself. That must be the key...."I have a problem. I want to change. I will do whatever it takes. I want to move forward". I do not think my son is quite there yet. I want him to be. I am trying to guide him there. However,  I need to also learn when enough is enough and when to let go.