After writing my last post, I started to think about my readers who do not know me. I may seem depressed, and on some level I am. Funny thing is that I am not a negative or depressive person by nature. I am quite the contrary. Maybe it is not true depression, maybe what I suffer from is just an over sensitive and romantic nature? My longings are always apparent to me, especially since I have not succeeded in creating the life I have desired.
People say, "be positive and have good energy and that is what you will attract back into your life". I do not necessarily believe that, because I am also quite a loving person who finds so much beauty and goodness in the world. I have a lust for life that shines through. I spend much of my ordinary days smiling and laughing, though at a drop of a hat, if something hits an emotional cord, I will cry.
I suppose I struggle with that belief that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. All that business that you get from life what you put out. Because that is no different than what I have been struggling with, a concept that seems so child like, "good things should happen to good people, and bad people will get what they deserve". That is not what really happens and this is what creates the conflict and thus sadness inside me. This is not the way it works, at all!
Maybe it comes from the lack of religious beliefs, because those who have faith ultimately find comfort in that the "good" people will go to the promised land, and those who have been "bad" will pay the ultimate penalty when they go in front of their maker. Simplistically put, I know, but I do not want to get deep into religion here. I am not an atheist, I am spiritual to an extent, and I think there are things we do not fully understand or are aware of. However, I also think that we should be rewarded for our efforts here on earth while we are living our lives, our reward should be to create a good life and to do exactly what people say, "get the good back that we have put out there". My life, the life of my mother, my son and others, do not show me that that is the truth. This causes me great disappointment and confusion, which makes my very sensitive soul cry out.
This is also what hurts me so much about my son's attraction to the drugs he took/takes because a lot of his pain stems from the same sort of ideas. He is hiding from the same conflicts that I struggle to understand and I deliberately analyse: the harsh reality and unfairness of why so much crap happens to people who are trying to live a good and honest life! He could not find any answers, and the more he thought about it the more he blamed himself, but still also blamed others and his pain and lack of understanding was too much for his sensitive and just soul to comprehend, so he needs to numb his thoughts, dull his pain and hide from his own inner conflicts through self medication.
This is a form of depression of course, but it is not the clinical/organic type of depression that people suffer from even though they have no apparent "reason" to be depressed. It is not the severe depression in which you no longer find any joy in anything. I suppose it is a form of situational depression which has also become a pattern of behaviour. My depression only lasts temporarily while I deal with too many thoughts after certain situations. It is a bit of a roller coaster, but not a manic depressive state. The situation does not have to be significant or profound, but if something triggers within me this need to analyse why life is crap when I have been nothing but good, then yes, I get down and I cry and I over think everything!
I remember bringing up my children when they were very little. I would clap and cheer with delight when they succeeded in anything they tried to do, how ever big or small that was, even if they built a tower of three blocks! I would stop and smell flowers, and we would pick up snails we found on the pavements and we would rescue snails from unseeing feet which may step on them! We went to playgrounds, we fed the animals in the city farms, we painted and read and cooked and baked and cleaned together. Everything was made to be fun and enjoyable. I always praised them. I loved to sing silly made up sons and dance and laugh. I encouraged friendships with other children and made sure I always had a report with teachers. I kissed them and loved them and told them how much they mean to mean.
Yet, my children are not self confident. My children are not overly happy, well the two older ones, the younger one is still quite a happy spirit. My two older children are also very sensitive and deep thinking. They are also both cynical and they do not share my my belief that the world and most people are generally good.
To a mother who adored her children and believed motherhood was the most special thing to ever happen in my life, I would have thought that those wonderful and pure and positive energies would transcend into my children. Can you imagine my inner conflict and sorrow when I discovered that my son was sad and insecure and started taking tablets he found to make him "feel" better? The defeat I felt when these negative feelings grew along side his drug taking. Not only that, but then after all that and witnessing how strong my love for my children is, how much ALL my children mean to me and showing how I would never give up on them because my love is so strong and I believe love can conquer all....my daughter gets depressed and starts self harming and even starts to think about taking her own life.
All this on my shoulders, while their father, the man who continually insulted and belittled our son from the age of 5 to the age of 12 (when we split up), who was selfish and emotionally absent, insulting, intimidating, verbally aggressive, avoids all responsibility and continues living his life on his terms without any remorse. In our children's eyes, no matter how hurt they were by their father, they have witnessed for themselves that the "bad" one keeps living, he has a good job, having enough money to travel regularly, to always be in new expensive shoes and clothes and go out with his friends, to continue to drink, to get a girlfriend, live in a nicer neighbourhood than we do and all the while never helps them or gets "bothered". While on the other hand they also see how the "good" one suffers, lives almost on poverty level with bailiffs and bill collectors constantly hassling her, the worry, the stress, the responsibility, the tears, they are hers as well as the solitude and alienation and loneliness. How is this teaching them that the world is fair and if you put positive energy out there you get it back and that if you are a negative son of a bitch, you will attract negativity in the world??? How???
My son is convinced that everyone is a piece of shit in this world and that everyone is out for themselves and no one would genuinely wants to help or sacrifice for another, especially for him. I have faith that this is all a façade and that deep inside he believes the opposite, however it is still too painful to think anything other than negative thoughts towards humanity, because this way he can not be disappointed again, he can not be hurt and let down, they way his father did.
Drugs help him hide. I can not hide, so I get down and struggle to deal with my complex emotions. However, I do not bury my faith in humanity as deeply as my son. While I may complain and bitch about the shit and the shitty people in my life, I still believe people to be good by nature, but society and relationships sometimes screw us up so much that we forget how to be ourselves and how to be kind. Most of my friends, or so called friends, do not intentionally hurt me, they are more than likely oblivious to it. Who am I to tell them that they are falling short sometimes? If someone really does something wrong or unforgivable or completely disrespectful, I will tell them or completely shut them out. I care for the people in my life, all on different levels. Some I do not care for that much on a strictly personal or spiritual/emotional level, but as a human being I do care what happens to them and wish them nothing but the best. Some people, do hurt me, that is usually because I feel love for them more than they love me and I am still searching for someone to really love me, to notice when I am not around, to miss me, to fight for me, to bend over backwards to make make me smile when I am down. Those people in my life who fall short of that, despite my love for them, well I may get hurt and sad and disappointed, but at the end of the day it does not make them a bad person. I will never give up on people!
"....our unhappiness and our strangeness, our anxieties
and compulsions, those least fashionable aspects of our
personalities, are quite often what lead us to do rather interesting
things." Ron Ronson, The Psychopath Test
Sometimes I envy those who put all their faith into their God, and are comforted in the knowledge that everyone will have to answer for their behaviour when they stand before God; however, I do not have that belief and I do not want to offend anyone with my honesty, I do though have faith in humanity even though my faith in humanity is tested repeatedly. I also believe in the power of love and I have not given up on my son nor my daughter and I have to believe that my love will one day succeed in making them believe in themselves. I believe that love is powerful and I do love a few people and even if I do not get the love I feel I deserve returned to me, I have to keep believing and hoping that one day, someone will be free enough to love me.
So though I am displeased with life as we live it at the moment and though I may have seemed severely depressed in my last post, I wanted to amend my last post by clarifying that it is a temporary state of mind and it is situational. I still believe in life, love and beauty! Peace to you all and thank you!