There are hard lessons to learn in life. Some of the lessons I am learning is that I was taught so well to be a "good girl" and do what I am told, that maybe that is part of the reason why I seem to "allow" the bad behaviours that are destructive to my life and my family's life. Perhaps with all my trying to be good and kind and helping those I love I am actually enabling other's bad behaviour to continue? Maybe we should raise strong girls and not the stereotypical "good girl"?
Another lesson that I am beginning to realise more, though I have not wanted to before, is that perhaps I will not be able to help my son, but I may help others. It is not a nice thought at all and I am still struggling with it, but it might be the case. Maybe I am "meant" to help people who want to be helped, others who have been through the same struggles as myself? Is that the direction all this is taking my life towards? In that same vain, maybe it will be someone else and me who will eventually help my son with his addictions and psychological issues and not me?
I went to my session today for support and I thought it was all going to be talking about how bad things are with my son and what can I do. It led to a discussion about mentoring because I had picked up one their leaflets about volunteering as a mentor. I had not really thought of it before but the more we discussed it, the more I thought, "yeah, I could do this". I actually felt more positive that maybe this thing I am living can become a life, a life in which I make a difference and help others.
As well as feeling more positive about my self and the "purpose" of my life, I also felt slightly more positive about my son and his possible recovery. As I spoke to my support worker and we started the conversation of becoming a mentor, she went to call in a colleague who deals more with the mentor program. I was a little nervous and hesitant, but to my relief and delight it was a support worker who I had already met with my son and who my son felt a connection with. We therefore, not only discussed the program they offer and how I could apply, go through training etc,, but we also discussed my son and what has been going on and what is being offered to help. We talked about the idea of some mentoring for my son and that perhaps we can push bypassing the group sessions and trying to get him some one on one, which my son says he would be interested in. Also next time I come in I can bring my son if he doesn't want to pop in on his own and he can ask to talk to this guy at any time. I hope that this may encourage my son to go to the clinic and have a discussion on what they can do to help. Maybe, just maybe, this is one of life's wonderful serendipitous moments which might bring forth some positive changes for my son AND myself!