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Monday, 29 September 2014


My middle daughter has been suffering with stomachs and head aches and trouble falling asleep for a few years now, most probably brought on by the stresses at home with her brother. Though her brother has not lived at home now for 9 months and never comes to visit while my daughter is at home, she still suffers from these problems. Out of concern for her as well as validating to her that I am taking on board her complaints and not just brushing them off as "stress", we have seen the GP and have been referred to a paediatrician at the hospital. She had her appoint last week and the outcome was much as I suspected and much to her disappointment. The doctor's comments were mostly to do with her "low mood" and that since her complaints are general and vary from day to day that her tummy complaints are nothing "sinister". He referred to her "low mood" several times and told her to "relax".


How long after living with trauma for a young person in the midst of "normal" changes and stresses, take to recover? How, as her mother, can I facilitate her?

What is trauma and is that what she suffered during the difficult years she watched her brother abuse drugs, abuse me emotionally and financially, abuse her emotionally?

If I use the professional psychological definition of post traumatic stress disorder then I would say that my daughter has been and still is distressed from the trauma (i.e. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience).

PTSD, the professional definition is as follows (plese read the link):


I think people associate PTSD or in fact the word trauma itself with some horrific and possible fatal event that a person has witnessed or lived through. In that case people may think that using the same terminology in association with emotionally distressing and ongoing experiences may be a bit melodramatic. I know that for myself I am guilty of such beliefs. I thought that it is ridiculous that my daughter may be experiencing such a disorder, but then I looked into the definition, symptoms as well as trying to think what her life as a young child through to early adolescence  was like. Then I realised that indeed, my daughter experienced a great deal to warrant such terms to describe her emotional state.

When you consider that the police had to be called out on a number of occasions for "domestic abuse", that there were "children in need" meetings done by social services; there were a number of different agencies working with us as a family, with my son, with my middle daughter and for me as well, there was a lot going on and there was serious behaviours that needed to be addressed. Looking back at the amount of verbal abusive and how many arguments went on into the wee hours of the morning and when there were no arguments at night upstairs we could hear my son tinkering in the back room with his chemicals, or just his general moving about and making noise when the rest of the world around in slept, no wonder my daughter developed sleeping issues.


I can continue looking back to see  how life at home with a drug addict. who was very aggressive one minute and other times would pass out in the middle of dinner, could be viewed as traumatic, especially for children. However, I do not need to look back, I need to look forward. I need to address how does she, and myself and also youngest daughter, come to terms with the past and deal with the issues so that life can continue in a healthier fashion moving towards emotional well being.

My flashbacks and memories of how things use to be are gradually fading. These do come flooding back when I am exposed to my son while intoxicated and then I do get extremely anxious with the heaviness in my chest from anxiety returning. My daughter will not talk to me about her feelings on the subject and is still very angry and when I do try to discuss it I only get her anger. I do not know how much the support worker she sees once a week manages to do because when I ask my daughter, she tells me that her sessions are suppose to be confidential and it would defeat the purpose of them if she told what is discussed!

 Maybe it is time that is needed, time heals most wounds, I do not believe that time heals all wounds though. With time and support and understanding, I hope my daughter will begin to move forward. My son does not understand why life with him was so chaotic and traumatic, but it was, it really was. This is why I have said before and will continue to say that we all carry our different emotional scars left by addiction and we all need to recover from our own pain and turn our negative behaviours into positive ones.  We all lived with the addiction and we must all try to live without it, it no longer defines us as a family, though it is still holding on strongly to my son. We all need to recover in our own ways, in our own time, and the hope is that one day we will all find the peace and understanding achieved through our insights and improved lives that we may function once more as a family, though I am aware that this may not be the case for a very long time.


Sunday, 21 September 2014

Here We Go Again

So as I am trying to stop the codependent and enabling behaviour patterns in my relationships (especially with my son) I get a phone call 3:20 Thursday afternoon. It is of course was my son, no one else calls me except bill collectors! My son had a small accident and was phoning me from the office of his supported housing complex. I need to take him to the doctor, now. Well my son often loses track of time and others people's reality, so he did not consider that it was just the time his youngest sister gets out of school. Also I had finally, made an appointment for my other daughter and I to go to the dentist and she was meeting us there at 4:00. My answer was no, I can not drop everything and take you to the doctor. What is the matter anyway?


As it turns out he was pushing back the lip of a nearly opened tin can of potatoes, when somehow he managed to cut his right hand on the palm just under the thumb. I still don't know how he cut it exactly, because you would have to slip or fall on the can to get such a cut! Apparently the staff cleaned it up for him and bandaged it, but it was bleeding a lot and he was told he needs to see a doctor (by the staff of his accommodation). Well as bad as I felt, I could not put my daughters on hold, again, because of their brother. I informed my son that I have a few things to do and once I have finished I will go and get him and take him to the doctor. What else could I do? I had no idea how bad the cut was, but he was not alone and he would be ok. I am terrible at making appointments and after months of my daughter asking for a dental appointment, she finally had one, and if I cancelled because I put my son as the higher priority, then who knows when I would make another appointment?

When we were finished and I took the girls home, I went to collect my son, who was by then back up in his flat resting and waiting for me. Well, that is not all he was doing, that was perfectly clear as soon as I had laid eyes on him. Even he knew what he looked like because as soon as I saw him he apologised for the way he looked. He was sky high on opium! The poor boy could not help himself, the pain of the cut was just too much to withstand, so he made himself a nice little cocktail with some poppy pods he still had laying around his flat! Man, it has been a while since I had seen him like that, heard him talking so much and with a different affect. I did not like it and I certainly did not miss it.

As we talked to the receptionist at the doctor's office, it became more and more embarrassing to hear him go on and on. The poor woman could not understanding everything, I wondered if she could tell if he was high or thought that maybe he is "challenged" in some way!

We got in to see the nurse, which was very lucky because it was near closing time! When she asked what happened, my son started to talk about how he made half a can of potatoes last night and saved the other can for tonight.....I interrupted him to say he only needs to tell her how he cut it. My son snapped at me and told me he will tell the nurse the way he wants to tell her! Fine. Well unfortunately the nurse could only do so much and she sent us to the hospital to get it either stitched or glued because the cut was too deep!


So here we were, yet another trip to the hospital! I was sad for my son, but I also did not want to be in his company because he was talking so much, thanks to the opium, and I do not like seeing him high. I was in fact feeling quite anxious and could feel the pressure building up in my chest. When we arrived at the hospital, I asked  how long of a wait there will be and they estimated 2 and 1/2 hours. By this time it was nearly 7 pm and my daughters had been home for hours with no dinner. I had no choice but to leave him there on his own. He was stunned. I told him that he can call me from the hospital phone when he is done and I will come get him and take him home.

As with other experiences when I have went out to help my son, when I return home it is business as usual and I assume the role of mother to my daughters as if I was living a double life. No questions or discussion about their brother, nothing. Straight into the kitchen and I began to cook. We ate, watched TV, got my youngest ready for bed as per usual. Then the call come, he was ready to go.

I tucked my little girl into bed, told her what a very good girl she is for going to bed while I go get her brother from hospital. I assured her that I will not be long and I will come in and check on her as soon as I come home.

I told my older daughter that I will be back soon, unless I run out of gas, and if I do I will call he. We had had a very poor week with hardly a penny to get by on. I had been driving below my empty line all week and I was crossing everything possible NOT to run out of gas on each and every journey I made!

As I drove up to the hospital emergency room I could see my son, waiting outside for me. He was still high, because the good doctors gave him some codeine, that on top of the poppies he took earlier was doing a nice job of keeping the buzz going.

After a few moments in the car and after telling me how they glued his cut and bandaged his hand he started asking me to take him to the little liqueur store he frequents were he can get some strong cider for cheap. I was adamant that I would not "help" him and that I was taking him home. He was high enough and he had court in the morning so he just needed to go home and get a good night sleep. He agreed with that statement. however, he started to go into detail of why he needs the drink and that it was not for now, it was for tomorrow and that he can't help himself, he NEEDS it. I still would not take him to the store he wanted to go to and I continued driving him home.


What happened next was just unbelievable! As I made it clear that I was not stopping for drink, he opened the car door and put his feet out as if he wanted to stop my car Fred Flinstone style! All that was needed was some smoke coming off his shoes! I tried to stop but it was too late.  He jumped out of my moving car and thank goodness there were no other cars around or I would hate to think what might have happened. My son shouted that he was sorry but he NEEDS to do this! I shouted back at him, "That's it" I am finished with you! I will not come to court, I will not call, I am finished!"

I could not believe this was happening. Even worse is that I did not believe that my son "needed" the drink because he had opium, pills at home, pills from the ER, and who knows what else, so why did he need ONE can of cider??? It made no sense.

I came home, checked on my daughter, my other daughter commented on how quick that was, and I said, "Yes, because your brother jumped out of the car before I had a chance to take him home!" She was surprised and asked me to clarify that, but then that was it, no more discussion.

Then I sat with my laptop in the living room and watched a bit of TV with my daughter as if it were just any other evening, I heard some strange noises from the front of the house. I was afraid and did not know what to expect. When the noise settled down a bit I went to see the front door and saw that there was a note pushed through the letter box!

The note was hardly legible. Basically it was an apology with lots of "I am sorry"'s and "I love you"'s and "you don't understand, I had to do it".  There was also the plead not to stop loving him and not to stop being there for him! I felt incredibly sad, and I am not proud to admit it, but I did not call him to tell him I loved him too.

I went to bed sad. Sad that I felt I had to keep to my promise that I was not going to have contact with my son after such behaviour. I felt sad that my double life at home does not allow me to talk openly about my fears, but then again it would not be appropriate to talk to children about the issues I face with my son. I felt sad that I was so alone in all this chaos and that my son would be just as alone in his chaos if I severed ties. I felt sad because I wished I could reach out to the only person I can openly discuss my life with, but then realised that we were not really friends any more and contact was becoming less and less frequent. I wanted to cry, instead I closed my eyes and escaped...until morning would wake me.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Hospital, Again | The Fix

I am so excited about this!!!

Hospital, Again | The Fix

One of my posts have been published on the excellent Addiction Website "The Fix". I am very proud that my painful story may actually be heard by many more people and I may touch some lives!

Wednesday, 17 September 2014


Not so long ago I wrote about finally getting on with my life and going to a party. Well I tell you how absolutely WONDERFUL it was to be ME! I was not defined by my problems! I was not defined by my relationships! I was not defined by my family! No one knew me or anything about me. I was actually confident and I mingled. I talked and laughed and made new connections based solely on my personality! What a great boost to my self image that was!


I realised that we often let ourselves be defined by the negative events in our lives. It forms such bad behaviour patterns and relationships that often tend to be co dependent. We often hear people talking about how they are doing the "right" thing, or doing what they "need" to do, but often what they are doing is more harmful and in fact feeding their bad patterns. For myself I can look back at the years that my son was in school (while having his drug problem) all the way through until he was asked to left home. There were things I did for years (however, I may have thought I was changing tactics, I was still doing the same thing) that did us all more harm than good. At the time however, I believed I was doing what a mother should do and that what I was doing was the right thing.

All the years I tried to be good, I was only feeding his control over me and our family. There are too many examples to think of! The one that is obvious is always doing things that I thought would create less stress and tension at home. I thought that spending the majority of my morning/day trying to wake him up for school or appointments was surely what I was suppose to do as a mother. Even though, in the end it only ended up with him not making it on time or at all and creating so much stress and shouting and anger in the house that my daughter's received the fallout of it. All the times I waited later and later to make dinner, knowing that my son was not awake or would not be coherent enough, so I allowed him to subtly call the shots while I was in essence going against what I should be doing for my other children, because I wanted my main focus of my mothering to be "helping" him, "catering" to him and so on.
One of the signs of a co dependent relationship (and remember a relationship does not have to be with a partner, it can be with your children, parents, friends etc) is giving support to that person at the cost of your own mental, emotional and physical health. I was definitely guilty of that!

I think that the emotionally unhealthy relationship between my ex husband and I (which did often revolve around his drinking) as well as the emotionally abusive and emotionally absent relationship our children had with their father created a very dysfunctional family unit. We were all learning very unhealthy ways of coping and behaving, and of course the children were also forming their beliefs about themselves as well as the world. This dysfunctional family could not help but foster co dependent relationships.


It is by no mistake that codependent relationships were first used to explain a relationship with a person suffering from an addiction. Now it is used to explain relationships with deep underlying emotional issues that leads people and keeps people behaving in codependent ways.

Here is some very good information on co dependency:

I still do not think the extreme version of "tough love" would have helped my son any more than falling into such an unhealthy relationship, but I suppose I could have somehow kept the love and understanding and support with also having clearer boundaries and harsher consequences! Hindsight is great, but it does not change what has already happened!

Look at these characteristics of co-dependent people: (taken from the above article)

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
  • A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
  • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
  • A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
  • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
  • An extreme need for approval and recognition
  • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
  • A compelling need to control others
  • Lack of trust in self and/or others
  • Fear of being abandoned or alone
  • Difficulty identifying feelings
  • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
  • Problems with intimacy/boundaries
  • Chronic anger
  • Lying/dishonesty
  • Poor communications
  • Difficulty making decisions

I have to admit I see myself in some of those characteristic as well as in my son. Unfortunately a few of those might be characteristics of some other people I care about! It is very easy to become co-dependent, especially when addiction is involved and even if the addiction was in the past (a feeling of obligation to stay).

I highly recommend reading the link, it has so much useful information!

It is painful to reflect and look at our own behaviour and even harder to recognise our own destructive patterns. Hopefully in doing so, we can learn and grow and find the confidence and insight to move forward toward healthier behaviours and relationships and therefore more happiness.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Thinking Of You....Out there!

So, I wonder who reads this blog and what do they think? I am fortunate to be able to see that people do read it! I have also had quite a few great comments, usually by a few of my loyal followers. I was wondering though, if there are other readers out there who can share with me their thoughts and their insights and perhaps even their own stories and viewpoints. It would be great to hear from you.


I can see on the statistically breakdown that my blog is read in many countries,from every continent, which I find so exciting and fascinating! I wonder how do those readers find the blog and do you use the translation and if so how useful of a tool is the translation? I am so fascinated by you guys out there! What are your impressions?

I write these entries in solitude in my living room, usually while my younger children are not here and my only company is my very affectionate and devoted pet cat Shadow! How amazing though is it to know that once I hit the "publish" key, people I have no clue about will be privy to my most innermost thoughts, fears and experiences!? I love that about this blog!


So please continue to read and if you haven't already, feel free to comment. Also if you know anyone who might be interested in reading my humble story of how my family has dealt with a variety of issues that relate to drug addiction please pass it on! I think my blog also speaks to others out there who might not have had a problem with addiction (whether their own or a loved one's), I think it also speaks to people who may battle with insecurities, depression, and question their decisions and their lives. It might speak to parents who have battles with their children, be they drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, exclusion....the list is endless.

So this is just a little hello to everyone reading and a BIG thank you! Comment and/or share, I am so grateful to you all! Have a great day!


Saturday, 6 September 2014

Getting My Life Back

Happy Saturday to everyone!

Today I will not write my usual blog post, I will be happy and positive and write briefly on the fact that I deserve to have a life and therefore I will start to live my life.


What is prompting this post is that this evening I am going to a party! I am sad to admit this, but I am always 100% honest in my writing, is that this is the first real party I have been invited to since I met my ex husband! Sad, isn't it? Oh there was the one time we were invited to my new friends when we were new to our current neighbourhood, for a little pre Christmas get together...but it was not a "party". My then husband did not enjoy himself because, as he opening admitted to me, there was not enough drinking and too much mindful chatting! We were never invited to anything like that by those "friends" of mine again. There was the three weddings we attended, on 2 of the 3 occasions I was left to my own devices while my husband drank far too much (and at one of them we were humiliated as he was fumbling and falling all over the place and we had to pour him into a taxi to collect our 2 year old son and go home). One of the three weddings was in Ireland, and I was taken back to the house where  we were staying , just me and the children, while my husband drank the entire night away. Another wedding was in the States and it was a very pleasant affair, which came to an end at 11 pm and my husband was greatly annoyed, so we went back to the hotel, I put the children to bed while my husband went down to the hotel bar to continue in his private merriment!

There were the odd family get together at my then in-laws house. Again that usually involved copious amounts of alcohol, or if my husband was driving and could not drink, then he sat miserably and silently while I had to make endless idle chit chat!

We rarely had anyone at our house and ironically soon after my husband and I split and I finally started to meet a few people, I could not have people around, but this was now due to my son's drug taking and unpredictable behaviour, just as much as the insecurity and unease I would feel with people in the house with "him" there and also possibly seeing something they shouldn't!

So I tell you this not to be negative, but so you have a frame of reference and understand that for nearly 20 years I have had a very limited and personally unsatisfying social life, if you can call it a social life! Now that my son is not living at home I can start thinking of developing a social life again.


Tonight a member of my support group is having a party and she has invited her circle of friends, but was also kind enough to invite the group. So therefore, I am invited to a party, with  a few people I will know and many more that I will not. There will be a DJ and food and drink. The intention is to let our hair down and forget life for a few hours. So that is what I will do. I will actually put on some glad rags and go out and mingle with people who will see me as a "normal" person. Not an addict's mother. Not the woman who provoked a huge investigation after handing in dangerous chemicals. Not the emotionally abusive man's wife. Not the woman with financial difficulties, dysfunctional relationships or a single mom with troubled children battling it all on her own. For once I will be just "Susan", I will be funny and charming and attractive, I will be the me I like to be! No one will tell me I can't. No one will tell me when to go home or to look after the kids or to take all the abusive phone calls and no one will make me feel guilty for it either!

Life goes on and as far as my children are concerned, I tell you what....I will be giving them a far greater message in being myself and being true to me than letting others control me!

Time to dust off the high heels and little black dress and let my hair down!!


I wish you all a good Saturday and do not forget that no matter how much you and your loved ones are struggling with whatever issues they may be, you are still you, you are still a person; take care of yourself and let a little of you shine through today.

Friday, 5 September 2014

The Battle of Positive vs Negative Thoughts Goes On!

Life is lovely! I try and I try and I try to become positive when I am down. I have my periods of sadness and over analysing and feeling that everything is and was and always will be crap, but I do try my best to get over it. Just 2 days ago I started to feel a bit more settled and I decided that I need to live in the moment more. If I am having a good day and  another person (be it a friend or a "friend") shares some time with me, then great! I will enjoy that day and that person for what I had with them in the moment and not care so much about who will be there for me tomorrow. I decided to make my life happier by consciously  turning off some of my emotions and some of my over-active brain. I believe I can do that and that it will help me to feel happier in the moment and perhaps that will bring forward some longer term positive change in my life.
So then after I have had this conclusion and realised that I need to stop expecting more from the people in my life, the moment I start to think I will just enjoy what I have and relax, negativity starts to enter my life again! WHY?

My friend who I care about deeply finally contacts me with some bad news and intimated that we should talk. I fear I will be hurt with what he has to say, but I will push those fears and negative thoughts away and focus on positive thoughts. It is amazing how much happier I became just with the knowledge that I will be seeing him soon. I do not want to lose that little glimmer of happiness. I will focus on being happy that I will see him, talk and laugh with him. I will ignore my brain in trying to read between the lines and contemplating what dreadful things he may say and I will not presume that the outcome of our visit will be heartbreak. I will only focus on the happiness of seeing him when I open the door and forget everything else because there is no way of knowing what will happen until it happens.

Later that day my 14 year old daughter comes home only to off load a lot of negative energy and feeling unto me about the start of school. She was nearly in tears a few times. It was non stop: people don't like me, my friends are not in the same classes, the head of year scared us with how hard this year will be and expectations are high, I am obsessed with my breathing and if I can not hear myself breathing then I start hyperventilating, I am nauseous all the time, my stomach always hurts, I always have headaches, I was light-headed because I could hardly eat my carrot sticks at lunch, I hate my mutilated feet, I do not know how to talk to people, I am worried about finding work experience because we know no one, I do not like my teachers.......Later itt was painful to sit with her at dinner, all hunched downwards, meekly holding her food, head down, no conversation! What did I do wrong? How can I help? What can help? Why do ALL my children have issues? I screwed them all up! It is all on my shoulders.....STOP! I tried talking to her, it did no good, I excused her from the table when she was finished and hoped for better days! I can only hope for better days, be here for her to vent and suggest things and offer outside help.

Those were yesterday's little attempts to draw me into my over analytical mind that usually causes me distress. Today also had it's pull towards my racing mind with the endless question of "why". I spoke to my son at about 10 am and instead of the usual groggy voice of someone who rarely gets out of bed before the afternoon, I was getting with a very alert and energised voice. I first thought that is because he had an early morning appointment that I may have interrupted. So I proceeded to ask my son if I was interrupting anything. No, no, he is at home , he has been up all night cleaning, thanks to a little help he had. I know what that means, so I asked him OK then, what drugs did you take,

I was correct, his help was something known as ethylphenidate This was my son's "free gift" when ordering a large amount of etizolam Oh, what a nice website offering free gifts! Apparently my son received his benefit money Wednesday and he went to a lovely little Polish shop to buy his 95% Spiritus which if you look at the link it says, " the strongest spirit on the commercial market. Alcohol at this strength can be very dangerous if consumed to excess  as well a six pack of beer before going to the library to use the computers and stumble upon the great deal (free gift) that was on offer with his favourite website for order his drugs!


Needless to say my son spent all of his benefit money on that day and since he only gets money every two weeks, I am sure I will get the "take pity on me" attempts for money and/or shopping! 

What baffles me is that he has done this after a trip to the emergency room the day before and he is not worried about his health. Well F*** ME, of course he is not! He is an ADDICT! He even said that as long as he has "problems" that he can only survive through with the aid of a "crutch" then so be it, it is not a bad thing because he is able to get by. Well I wanted to ask and I did that how is he really going to deal with the underlying peoples while using these "crutches" because the crutch negates the underlying issues that stops you from moving forward!? He had no answer, he merely focused on how great it is that he is buzzing on this research chemical he is consuming because his flat was a disaster and needed cleaning up because the management was on his case about it! The chemical is similar to Ritalin and the effects have been compared to cocaine so he has managed to stay awake, be motivated and energised! "Great stuff kiddo, proud of you for getting your flat cleaned up! Oh you took drugs to do it? That is ok, the main thing is you sorted out a problem that is a priority at the moment" OH, can you believe this is what my son thinks is the appropriate response when telling me about the crutch he used to get things done!?

Then started the insistent demands of when he could come over and "sorting out" his stuff so that he can sell them.Today? Tomorrow? "No? Why, what do you have to do?". He needs to sell stuff to have more money. More money to do what, well of course, buy more drugs and alcohol! No thanks! Then this led us down the road of "well whose fault is all of this anyway?".Oh, if only there was a drug to help the addict see the truth to these types of questions as well as the questions of  "how do I make my life better?" (not by taking more drugs). 


Well I hung up the phone in the end. I will not take such abusive and negativity. I will not allow him to call the shots. I will not listen to his self destructive beliefs and actions. I will not be weighed down by his negativity. I will immediately cleanse myself of these triggers into self destructive thoughts by purging them into this blog post and move on with my day with a smile on my face. I will not spend the day worrying about my son's health and the dangerous game he is playing with his body. I will not become overly sentimental and  gloomy that come Monday my friendship with this man, who I do believe to be a good a good friend, will come to an end and feeling rejected as always. I will also not spend my day wondering what I have contributed to my daughter's unhealthy self beliefs and fears and irrational anxieties. I have acknowledge all these events to be true, but also beyond my power at the moment to change them, so I will be positive that life is essentially good and I can have a good future and so can my children and I will hope that these positive feelings and thoughts will lead me to more positive solutions and ideas....or maybe that is Bullshit, but hey, it is better than being down, right?


Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Hospital, Again.

Well, as they saying goes, "You never know what the day has in store for you". I received a phone call yesterday from the probation officer that my son has had a seizure while at his appointment and since I am his next of kin, they have a duty of care to call me and ask if my son could be released into my care. How horrible for a mother to have to explain why her ill son can not come to his family home to be looked after by his mom. I did try my best to briefly explain why I could not be the responsible person and I would prefer him to be taken to the hospital instead.


I was on my way out to town when the call came, I was going to buy some things with my youngest daughter for school as the new term starts tomorrow. So I did a quick run to the shop and dropped the shopping home and was on my way to the hospital.  I had to leave my girls waiting patiently for 3 hours at home while I went to face whatever was waiting for me at the hospital.

 As I sat in the emergency room waiting area, I started to wonder how long this was going to go on for. I could not help but enter the darkness within me which holds on to the fear that one day I will receive a phone call with the ultimate bad news, "we did all we could, we are sorry, but your son could not be revived". One day when I pick up the phone without fear but with frustration and annoyance of  "now what", I may be in for the shock of my life. I hope this will not be the case, ever.

As it turns out my son was honest with the doctor about his drug and alcohol usage; however, the tests showed that it was not a "seizure" it was not drug or alcohol related but it could have been something that looked like a seizure due to low blood sugar! I then asked if there needs to be further tests done to fully determine what had happened. Doctors are just so amusing! I was told that his GP will be sent a report and as one doctor to another he can not tell his GP what to do, so it will be entirely up to the GP what he wants to do next, and so my son was free to go!

That was not as meaningful to me as much as the 2-3 hours I spent with my son. He confirmed that not much has changed for him and he sees no solution whatsoever to his lifestyle. He talked to me about all the "stuff" that is in his head that he does not like and does not want to deal with. He told me that dulling his head and just lulling through the days is the only way he can live. He does not want to be clean and deal and feel all the emotional and complex issues within his mind and spirit. My son also spoke about how displeased he is about his body and all it's problems and that he can never have girlfriend because how could anyone ever love him, if he does not love himself. We spoke about his other anxieties and how he feels inadequate and how he has such an empty life that he could not be able to go clean and face all his issues because it would be too hard, too painful and take too long. He even said that even though he feels like this and that he often wishes he would cease to exist, he does not feel suicidal at all. I get it. I know what he feels, to a certain extent, and I have always thought that these are the reasons he has turned to drugs, and remained on drugs. I still believe with all my heart that things will never move on for my son until he finds some inner strength to face his demons, his insecurities and fears and where they stem from and all the rest of the "stuff" in his head. How though, do you begin this journey when you have developed a way of living that negates doing that? A lifestyle that makes you believe that without the crutch you can not go on, let alone deal with such emotional pain?!


The last time he was in the hospital I learned that his "friends" shot him up a few times. Now I have learned that my son tried to shoot up himself, missed the vein and created a swelled arm filled with etizalam fluid! I have also learned how my son is ok with shooting up this stuff in the muscle! I always feared that he would start shooting up, and I hope that this is a brief stage of further experimentation. I know he hates needles and did not like the experience, but the need for the drug often outweighs any discomfort the process of shooting up brings! !

So, as I was just starting to accept the reality of life, I get a little nudge that you really do not know what tomorrow brings. I will accept my reality and make the most of what I have today and who is in my life at the moment and realise that sometimes you just have to be happy in the moment!

As always, life goes on, we cling on to the hope that tomorrow will be better, we try to think of ways of moving forward and creating a better tomorrow, but we must also not lose sight that those tomorrows may not happen so we must strive to find beauty and happiness and love in each day we are here!


Monday, 1 September 2014

Reality Check: Done!

Today I am feeling: realistic, positive, accepting, comfortably numb. I have had a week to regroup after being back from our trip to Budapest. I have digested the reality that is my life that I have come back to. I have started to regain some positivity that I will and can change some of my life and I will continue to think how the hell I am actually going to do that! I had put off seeing my son but finally saw him and though I can not say that I see too much progress, I am starting to regain my confidence that he will be OK, one day he will be living a much better life and he will have some of the "things" in life that he wants and also the "things" that I want for him.

I feel accepting that though there is a lot about the relationships in my life with family and friends that are letting me down and discouraging to my soul, I also accept that is how it is at the moment, and though it has seemed to have been a recurring issue in my life, one day that too will change. My family will recovery and I will have a healthier family. I will one day find someone, and that someone will find me, that I can love freely and more important that person will also love me and be confidant enough in their feelings to love me freely and opening without games/complications/fears.

Though life is difficult and no where near how I would like it to be, I am positive that it will not be this way forever. I am too good of a person to have to suffer my entire existence, my heaven is not waiting for me after death, it is waiting for me here in this mortal world...and damn it, I will find it!

My children may all have their various issues and struggles of their own to achieve happiness, and they may indeed take out all their frustrations on me...but you know what? Thank God, that they have me to unload on! Thank God, they know that there is someone here that loves them profoundly and will allow them to vent! Imagine if they did not have that?

               it is...

I may have fallen into a relationship years ago devoid of true love. I may have stayed in that bad relationship too long and helped create dysfunctional relationships and a dysfunctional family, but it is done now. I may have opted to be a full time mother loving and caring for my children and now find the need to be financial independent extremely difficult, oh well, at least my children and I have incredibly strong bonds! OK, so my eldest son is hurting and has turned to drugs to find comfort in the void that is there in his life because of the dysfunctional relationship with his father, but that can not be changed either, but he can learn from it. Yes, my middle child also suffered from the dysfunctions she witnessed and was a part of, turning to self harming and contemplating suicide, but she STOPPED cutting herself from her own desire to do so, her strong will helped her through that difficult period. My youngest may have grown up in a household devoid of "normal" family life, without a father, with a mother full of worry, with a big brother who was abusing drugs quite opening in the family home, with an older sister who was angry and reclusive....this has had it's impact, that I am sure off in which creates confusion within her. However, she also has seen that her mother loves ALL her children, despite everything and she is strong enough not to stop believing in them and though sometimes depressed and negative, she has seen her mommy always loving and never really giving up!


Life may not be great, my son is still an addict, my daughter is still unhappy, I am struggling, I am still battling; however, it will not be like this forever and I will try to overcome what I can. I may not be a bundle of positive energy yet, thankfully I am not a bundle of negative energy either! This week has been emotional, but I am moving on! My family will as well and one day we will connect with the positive and loving and giving people in the world who we can build some happy memories with and say good bye to the bad memories!

Life goes on and I am not going to let it beat me!