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Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Trying to Focus



In two days my daughter returns from her French exchange trip, and she will have been away 10 day when she returns. I want to clean the house and make every thing nice. I would have liked to have fixed up the garden as well. I want to make her a welcome home banner, make sure her favourite foods and drinks are bought, cook her a special meal, have cakes waiting for her and get her a nice welcome home gift as well. But I am not doing does those things. I am trying to clean but keep getting interrupted and distracted by my son who is finding reasons to be angry with me and calling me those vile names and pulling me into arguments which leave me drained.


I am writing now, instead of trying to carrying on with my chores because I am hoping that the cathartic affect this writing tends to have on me will help release some of my frustration and anxiety and leave me a bit more focused at the task at hand.




My son is increasing disrespectful of me and increasing angry and increasing aggressive. He does not want the help that is being offered. In fact he insists that when I took away the Etizolam I was being ignorant and it would have had a detrimental affect on him. Apparently the Dr understand why he ordered it and said it was a "good thing" he had it because he did not have his Methadone that day. I do not believe a word of it and said that if there was an ounce of truth to that statement the Dr would prescribe a benzodiazapine if they felt he was in need of it.

He keeps telling me what a stupid f****** c*** I am and I have no idea how things work and I am the cause of all the problems. I have apparently changed, I "snapped" one day and I am a selfish conniving f***** up b****. He was angry because I would not "lend" him money yesterday to buy pills on the internet, which apparently is "completely legal". He thought I was being selfish!!!!



Now, some how he is getting money and doing things to get money, but I can not see how since he never leaves the house.

I am tired, I am drained.

I got him some forms from the job centre and he refuses to fill them out and once we start talking about it, 5 minutes into the conversation, he gets angry, at me, and says he is not doing this and I am a blah blah blah....my brain switches off, it has to!



I phone the Centre for Drugs and Alcohol where the structured recovery sessions are held, along with family support etc, to see if my counselling sessions have been set up yet. After discussing that, the woman (a very kind and sympathetic and knowledgeable woman I might add) asks how my son has been this week. I tell
her as honestly as I can.

 She asks to speak to him.  My son is starting to lose his tempter now with the people who are offering support. He tells her point blank he is not interested in group sessions or the work they do, he will get clean himself. He will find somewhere else to get one to one therapy. I know he wont, because he has told me over and over again, "it is your JOB to make appointments". He was in his room getting high when I knocked that he is wanted on the phone. He asks me when the phone call is over, "how can we make all this people and social services go away?", by you getting better and listening to the advice the services give you and doing what is expected I explain, not by sitting in your room getting high. "Well I am getting high because this is all making me so angry that the drugs are the only thing that makes me feel better".

There is a knock on the door. It is the post man. Well my son charges down the stairs like there is a bull behind him. He want to get to the door before me or at least with me. Hmmm, I wonder what Mr Postman has for my son? Surprise surprise, it is a nice little packet of Valium that my son quickly snatches from the postman and takes to his room, "you aren't going to throw these away".
This can't go on.......





The woman from the recovery centre tells me I have been very patient but now perhaps my patience is thin...yes, very thin. She does not know how they can help my son if he does not want the help and that he needs some sort of wake up call, yes he does. I ask if she can help me with getting supported accommodation for him, though he was very angry when I mentioned it to him and said no way, she says that  that too is something that he needs to want and we can't just put him there!!!!




I have 2 hours now before my youngest daughter comes home from school and I have been too distracted to do my jobs. In 3 hours another student social worker is coming out to our house to meet my youngest so that she can start having session with  her in school....to talk about how the situations at home are making her feel.



I better get into gear because at the end of the day my daughters deserve better and at least I can try my best to give my middle daughter a decent homecoming, because though she is happy to be coming home to me and my cooking and her bed and so on, I know that there is also a part of her that is dreading coming home to her brother and the arguments and the hostility and tension in the air. How I wish that were not the case, but sadly it is.