Not everyone dreams of someday becoming a parent, and in fact not everyone should be a parent in my opinion. Not all parents strive to bring up happy and well adjusted children when they do become parents. I was one of those young girls who dreamed of becoming a mommy and I would often say to my mother, "when I grow up, I want to be a good mommy, just like you." Those dreams did not fade as I grew. I continued to dream of having children, six in fact, and being the best mother I could be. In fact, I think my dreams of becoming a mother were greater than any dream of getting married! I did not dream of the big white dress and all the goes with it on my "big" day, for surely, giving birth would be a far greater day?
What do we as young women and young mothers dream for our children? Well, I suppose everyone's dreams are slightly different, but I am sure those who do dream of the joys of bringing up children all want their children to be happy and healthy and as well adjusted as possible. Parents, both mothers and fathers, who embrace their role as parents do not wish for their children to feel undue pain or suffering, we want to spare them any misfortunes that we possibly can and help them to have access to as many positive opportunities as possible. Ultimately, we want them to have more than we did; even if we had good childhoods, we still want our children's lives to be somewhat better than our own.
I read the other day that no child aspires to grow up to be an addict and indeed, we as parents who want the best for our children, do not wish for our children to grow up to be addicts. Even parents who may have had or have addiction problems, or have witnessed it within their families, do not want that same future for their children. In their heart they hope that maybe genetics do not play a role, maybe this time things will be different—any hope that their child will not experience the suffering an addict experiences. No one dreams, "when I grow up, I want to be an addict."
The other day while once again trying to discuss the future with my son and trying my best to continue to plant the seed in his mind that rehab would be a good option (I will continue to attempt to plant that seed until, hopefully, one day that seed will take root and start to grow and he can sow the benefits of it), my son said something that remains with me: "I want to marry opium and our children would be Quaaludes and I would be a happy man." This was in response to my suggesting that one day his life will be different and he will fall in love etc. My son has already met the love of his life, drugs. He has no intention at the moment of being unfaithful to her, and in fact, though he may not always be as devoted to her as he would like, he still believes she holds the key to his happiness.
How can any of my ideas of a happy, healthy, straight living life compete with what my son believes to be the love of his life? In addition to the fact that he has experienced the warm fuzzy feeling his love gives him, that wonderful warm hug from within, he has never experienced anything else. I may talk a good talk and keep a positive outlook, but at the end of the day he looks at me and sees a woman with no man to love, a failed marriage with an emotionally abusive man and father. I am unemployed and living on the edge of poverty. In his eyes what has become of my dreams and my positive outlook for a good tomorrow? In his own words, he would rather be near comatose on his drugs than have to struggle with real life, the way I do.
My son, though dedicated to his main love of opium, can not indulge in her since that would result in positive drug testing and on his court drug rehabilitation order that would not have positive consequences. So he has to resort to getting anything else as a substitute and unfortunately drink is easy to come by but does not deliver the same satisfaction. Benzodiazepines are his second love, and very easy to access legally over the internet, but he does not always have the funds to maintain the level of "happiness" he needs. So now he has purchased Diethyl Ether and 1,4-Butanediol, sometimes referred to One Comma Four, or One Four Bee. Yesterday he said he has been feeling rather ill with terrible stomach pains, well I think the One Four Bee may have something to do with it! As we spoke he started begging me for money for a drink, but I had to be firm and say no, 1, because I am sincerely broke as well, and 2, because I cannot continue to succumb to his demands for money. He was walking the streets while on the phone to me and telling me, once again, how is is looking through the public trash and parks for left over cans of beer to drink. He shared with me the story of drinking a can of beer he found, and then he was surprised when he received a slug along with the beer in his mouth! I of course know that all this was for my benefit to provoke fear and guilt in me so that I may miraculously find some money for him, but at the same time it did cause me sincere concern regarding his health because of the germs and infectious diseases he is exposing himself to.
So, I am left where I began, dreaming of a better future for my son and hoping that one day I can start to forget this nightmare that my son is living and that he can move forward and find new and wonderful things to love. No one ever dreams of becoming an addict and no parent expects that for their children. At the moment my son's dreams still revolve around drugs and denial and avoidance. It seems that changing one's dreams is almost as hard as changing one's reality, especially when his dream is still to spend his future with the love of his life, opium.