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Sunday, 9 June 2013

Thinking



A quick thought for today.

Is it wrong or prudish of me that I do not want to hear my son talk about all the "wonderful" experiences he has had on drugs? Is it wrong that I do not want to know how amazing it is or that when I thought he wasn't on drugs and just having a nice time or doing well in school he was actually on drugs and it was the drug that motivated him to do the school work or to be involved in family time?

It makes me feel betrayed that what I thought was a good and happy child, doing homework etc was actually a kid on drugs.

Also when he goes into every detail about the chemical make up of drugs and how they affect different parts of the brain, it angers me because he is trying to intellectualize it too much.

I definitely do not want to here how amazing it feels and how it is the best feeling ever. And he goes on and on like he is talking about a lover and I feel it is inappropriate. Parents say to their children, "you can always come to me and tell me anything". Sometimes, we don't want to know EVERYTHING, not in fine detail.

I might tell my children of some of my old boyfriends, or experiences or memorable occasions, but I am not going to go into intimate detail. It is just not appropriate.

Does it bother me because I find some of the disclosure inappropriate, or is it also because it makes me feel defensive and feel like I have failed him as a mother? Both. I could not provide everything he needed and was unable to promote the experiences and lifestyle he would have liked or needed. I stayed in a bad marriage which contributed to the growing dysfunction and hostility in the family...all things that may have contributed towards my son's drug usage as a means to cope and escape.