Feeling Low

I am feeling quite sad at the moment, I am not really sure why. I have been thinking too much lately about my life and the feeling of emptiness that I have experienced for much of my 49 years. Maybe emptiness is not the right word, maybe sadness or longing. I am analysing my relationships with my mother, father, past and present friendships, men I love (there are only 2 I fell in love with, though I had many men in my life before I married. Neither of those two men is not my ex husband which is sad in itself, but even sadder is that neither of the 2 men that I loved/love is in the position to have me in their life fully, one was in the past and one is current), my children (there upbringing, their current situations and what their futures hold), my future, my health, my financial situation and my many failures and a few of my successes). All these ponderings leave me with this sensation of emptiness and somehow wanting to fill a void within me and in my life.

                                                        My mother and I before my illness.


I think that maybe some of these feelings stem from the relationship I had with my mother. I adored my mother, so very much. I had a less than typical childhood since I became ill at the age of 7 and spend so much time at home and in the hospital, all the while my mother was by my side, nurturing me, protecting me, loving me, trying to teach me ways to cope with the agony I was going through. At around the age of 10, my symptoms were finally getting under control because of a very high and long term steroid treatment. At last I was able to go back to school, but then a new bag of troubles started, bullying at school because I looked hideous from the steroid treatment, and of course I was isolated even more for having no friends since we had also moved homes around that time. My mother was my rock! She was the only person I could talk to. She helped me get through the hardest periods of my childhood. When I was around 13-14 years old, the bullying was so bad, with threatening phone calls and fears of beatings and threats to end my life that I refused to attend school! My mother's love then became enabling and she allowed me to stay home! So we spent a lot of time together, and even though I completely disagree with the fact that she let me stop going to school, and I never finished high school, I do still so admire her love for me.

                                                    Me during my Prednisolone treatment.


She did try to help me later when I was 16 and enrolled me in driving school so that I could get my license since I was not getting my driver's education, as I would have done if I remained in school. Then she tried to help me find work, she accepted my dream to be a model and paid for modelling school and an expensive portfolio and took me to various assignments and appointments. We even tried to run a small business together, and when all that failed she was very supportive when I signed up to our local community college when I was 18. After nearly 2 years at our local college, my real dreams started to formulate. I loved being a student! I wanted to learn and I wanted to study psychology and eventually be a practising psychologist. My mother helped me as much as she could in the early days of college, since I had virtually no high school education to apply to my classes and assignments. So she studied with me! Finally I did not need that support from her as my confidence grew as I was receiving good grades and I started to immerse myself in academia.

My dreams were such that I would need to attend university. I nervously applied to three and one was the ultimate dream, UCLA! I was overjoyed when I got accepted to all three schools! My mother and I cried tears of joys after remembering what hard times I went through to get to where I was! It was wonderful, my dreams were starting to come through and I would make my future bright as well as giving back  to my mother the love and care she always bestowed upon to me! I was feeling happy. My UCLA days were some of the happiest days in my life and my mother was so very proud!

Then a terrible unforeseen event happened; my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis was by chance during a routine gall bladder surgery. I was the only one in the hospital waiting room when I was told the terrible news. Not only was I told she had cancer but that it was inoperable and she had about 3 months to live! That was the beginning of my dreams, as well as life as I knew it, crumbling down upon me.
I did lose my mother, 6 months later. I took her to her chemo and radiation appointments. I cared for her and nursed her and towards the end gave her more liquid morphine than she was allowed because she was screaming out in pain as well as withdrawals, and having hallucinations as she was wanting more and more and more! She died from a morphine induced coma and I was the only one there by her side, I tried to study during that long restless night as I had final exams the following day. Eventually sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I was next to my beloved mother as she drew her finally big breath of air, as if she was about to go under water, then she was gone.


                                   

                                 
I now realise that ever since then, I have NEVER been anyone's priority. I was my mother's priority much of the time because of my illness and the subsequent problems it created in my life. This priority did cause resentment within my sister, but that was not my mother's intention, for I remember many times when she too was my mother's priority! All I want, all I have ever wanted was to be someone's priority. This I wanted from the men in my life and I have never ever felt that from any man. Now at my age I realise that I will never have such a love in my life and this makes me feel very, very sad indeed. I am not saying I will never be loved, but I will never be anyone's priority because once we have children our priority will always be our children.

                                           
                                   
My children are obviously my priority, but sometimes I think why? Doesn't that sound horrible? But then tonight in my support group I heard 2 different women say basically the same thing. I heard one say that she is starting to feel that she does not want her children to go on holiday with her, she wants to go alone, she does not want her kids...obviously she does not honestly feel she does not want her kids any more, but there are fleeting moments when you feel like, "I just want to be a person without my kids"! Another woman said that sometimes she wished she would get into an accident, just so she could have a break from her kids in the hospital! And we are not talking young children, young children may be physically draining, but older children can sometimes drain your spirit!

Today I saw my son, who has been my priority for 19 years! My ex husband never felt this sense of priority. He continued with his life, his socializing with his friends, going away on his own holidays, weekends away, night's out, overnight stays, laziness at home, not caring for his children etc. It hurt me that my son was so disrespectful to me today and it comes so easily to him to try to blame me, control me, hurt me. I felt so stupid, I wish I had a better word to describe myself, but stupid is the only word that I can use. Stupid because I have made my children my one and only priority for all these years and yet my only son finds it so acceptable to treat me the way he does. He does not treat me this way most of the time any more, but that is probably because he is not living at home and we do not spend that much time together as we did when he was at home. I left feeling all wound up and on edge, with my heart thumping in my chest and feeling agitated and snappy with others.

                                     

I hated being told how everything is wrong in his life and that it is all my fault. I told him that I might go away for a short holiday break, and then he started demanding that he is the one who deserves a break, not me. My life apparently always works out and is better than his, and if I would have listened to him in the first place and did as I was told there would have never been any trouble and he would still be enjoying life doing what he enjoys doing, but I took everything away from him. When I asked him if it was ok for his father and or his grandparents to have breaks and holidays he said yes it is but I can not go away unless I provide a holiday for him as well since I am the one who created so many problems! Lovely, at least I did not have to listen to him calling me a f****** c*** over and over again like I use to when he lived at home!

Then later in the evening, as I mentioned above,  I went to my support group for parents who are "suppose to" have children with drug problems. I say, "suppose to", because, well I am sorry, but living with a son who goes to work, has friends, has some decent hobbies and generally behaves himself, but he likes to smoke a bit of weed from time to time, is not a child with a drug problem. OK, I am feeling quite self obsessed and maybe a bit of self pity is playing on my thoughts today. . Another member who just started our group today is another one who says her son only smokes weed, but he has very abusive behaviour towards her. I feel a lot of these parents who may have badly behaved children, with some underlying issues and they have challenging situations at home, but I do not see smoking a bit of weed as being a drug problem. Cannabis is different than it use to be, I know that, and I am sure that smoking weed on top of underlying issues and aggressive personalities will make life worse rather than easier, but I feel that somehow there should be another group that I should be in! I know my son has many underlying issues, but he was never, up until maybe 3-4 years ago, badly behaved, but he has a major drug problem with several very dangerous drugs. But I walked away from group tonight feeling like an alien, I did not feel I belonged in the group and in fact tonight I had very little to contribute and felt an unnecessary member. I also left the group being reminded about this "priority" dilemma I am feeling. Out of the 8 people in attendance, I felt again, this self pitying feeling of, "I have no one really by my side who I can lean on when I need to. No one who is in my life who is part of it. You know, I am talking partner, parents, siblings, that many people do seem to have to talk to and get comfort from. I came home feeling that I was very alone and I am not sure why exactly as half of the people are single parents and a few are going through some really tough times.

                                    

So today I was made to feel quite unnerved by my son. I was reminded of what my life was like on a daily basis and I do not know how I coped for so long like that. I was also told by my son, who was feeling suitably "relaxed" (his way if describing being on something) on Etizolam, that it would be far better for him physically, emotionally, financially to be on his etizolam regularly and that the money he would save on not buying as much alcohol would be a great way to start saving money and that he generally feels so much better this way and he does not understand why I am so resistant to accept this. He also explained that he had a chat with one of his workers at the drug rehabilitation appointments that he does not intend to give up all drugs and what would happened if after his requirement is met ,he was found out to be taking legal highs or benzos he purchased on line. Well good news for my son is that they said nothing would happen, under the eyes of the law it would be an improvement from what he was doing when he got arrested, and that they are not illegal!

So my precious boy who I loved and adored and brought up so very well can sit eating the doughnuts and tea I bought him, while he was talking to me in an emotionally abusive tone and tells me he has no intention of giving up on his drugs. I am so tired of telling him that this is his opportunity to start moving forward because one day he will realise the life he is living now, is not what he wants to be doing. He does not want to change his life, but I do not want to watch and wait until he does; however, I do not want to have him out of my life, I love him too much!

Sorry, I am having a shit day. I am feeling alone and like things will never change, though I know they have changed in subtle ways already, it is sometimes easy to lose your focus. Maybe I am getting impatient and greedy. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy and thriving in a healthy lifestyle. I want someone to love me and be there for me without any restrictions. I want to be free to express myself without fear of being judged or losing those I love. I want to be free from financial worries to do things that make me feel happy. I have waiting so very long for these things and I am getting tired of waiting.

                                             

I am very low in mood and I do not like writing such posts that come across as "woe is me" but sometimes we all feel like this and it does help to get it out and since I can not sit down and talk to someone whenever I need to, I sit down and talk to people through my computer and hope that someone who will read this will "get me" and also the sheer fact that I have somehow purged these thoughts and formulated them into words in my blog helps me work through my complex emotions.

Tomorrow is another day as they say,  and we can only hope that tomorrow will be better, when we are feeling less than happy today!

Solutions in Spring

Spring has sprung and there needs to be a shift in my way of thinking. At the moment I have to learn to be less analytical about why things have happened the way they have and why the universe keeps testing me with one difficult challenge after the other. I have to let go a little and start thinking of more practical ways to move forward. I need to become, as my Family Solutions worker highlighted, more solution focused.

                            
So while I may still feel flat and stuck and overwhelmed and sad about what has happened and what life has given me, which makes looking forward and dealing with things in the here and now rather difficult, I will start tackling real problems with real solutions.

My son has a drug problem. End of story for the moment. I do not know why it happened or how it happened but I know I did not make that choice for him to seek comfort from drugs. I did not neglect him or mistreat him in any way. I was a good mother and still am and I am not to blame. I am not responsible for the affect other people in my son's life had on his emotional well being, I tried to compensate with my love but that is not always enough. I am still here for him now and always will be. I support him as much as I can and he is still a very important part of my life though he has not lived at home for over 3 months and he is not really a part of his sisters lives. My solution is to continue to support him, offer him practical help and encourage him to seek treatment. At the end of the day he must find his own solutions on how he will move forward and if and when he wants treatment or change.

Not much has changed inside our home in the last three months mostly because of my feelings of being stuck and also financial restraints. Emotionally I have struggled the most in regard to my son's room. Not only was it left in  a HUGE mess and very chaotic, but it was full of memories (good and bad). I felt a sense of disrespect to my son if I was the one who sorted out his things, and I felt an even bigger sense of betrayal if I would change his room from his room into anything but his room. I can feel his anger and disapproval and rejection. Yet I know very well that it is my house,  I make the decisions and I do not need to discuss my plans for a room in my house with him. Therefore I have finally made plans to redecorate it into a spare room, and if the time would ever come, my son would be more than welcome to stay in it. We will move our second T.V. from the playroom into there and store a lot of our books there, freeing up space in other rooms. It will be a space that anyone in the family can use as well as always being there for guests. I have chosen the sofa bed, and the décor. I have discussed removing the old furniture and Thursday it will be taken to the dump. So now I am packing and organising things and feeling more positive about this solution and that I have finally made the decision to do what I want and most importantly, to remove triggers of the unpleasant years without removing the memories.

                      

Broken doors and holes in the walls are also triggers, as well as left over equipment and paraphernalia...all reminds us what life was like, who seemed to be in charge and all the things we didn't like about my son as an addict. Even the garden if full of reminders as well as evidence that once a much loved part of my life had been neglected for years due to the lack of interest and motivation to keep things looking nice when our lives seemed to be crumbling from within.

Solutions: replace broken doors, hire someone to start making some headway with the garden, create spare room, pack away all reminders and dispose of anything I feel is unacceptable to keep. Already, I have cleared away all the equipment my son had in the utility room and threw away a lot of the mess that was left behind. All the spaces of our house that was significant in my son's life with drugs has been severely neglected. I have now created a clean, fresh and open spaced utility room, with house plants and flowers replacing the beakers and vices and tubes. A friend who is a professional gardener has agreed to do some work for me and she has already started and it makes such a difference in creating a positive energy and motivation. My Family Solution worker is coming Thursday to help me clear away some of my son's furniture and we will go to the dump together. So not only have some solutions been decided on, work to see those solutions come to fruition as already begun! And do you know what? It feels good!

                                 
 
I may not be financial secure and I may be alone as far as being a single mother with absolutely no family near me which has created a HUGE sense of responsibility falling ALL on me, but that doesn't mean that solutions can't be found and REALISED! I will bite the bullet and do what needs to be done even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable and intimidates me. I will do it because in so doing I will empower myself and I will feel more confidant and secure in myself. I will start reclaiming control and making life more as I would like it to be despite all the things in my life I dislike.

It is spring, new beginnings, rebirth and hope for the future. I embrace spring and all that it represents. I will actively change my focus and though remaining loyal to my son and wanting nothing more than his recovery, I will not let that overshadow everything else. I will try now to create a balance and no longer feel guilty that while my son is suffering my daughters and I can still create a happy life. Maybe if my daughters and I move on and create a life worth living my son will follow and do the same!

                     

We Are Broken Now, But Hopefully Not Forever

I am a mother and as a mother I can only speak from a mother's point of view, so I think that for most mothers when they imagine their children, they imagine them as a family unit forever. I do not think that any mother taking care of her babies and raising her children ever imagines that one day her family will be torn apart. We may wonder if our marriages will survive, we know are parents will pass away and life will change but we assume that our children will always be there and always be together.

          
               
To be a mother of three children and knowing that one child says that she will never ever want to repair things with her brother and does not want to see him or know about him ever again, is extremely painful to acknowledge. My daughter is also very annoyed and upset at the thought that her brother may not get a lengthy prison sentence, though she knows the pain I will endure if any prison sentence is given, this to me is shocking. I could not imagine not ever seeing my sisters again or wanting them to spend as long as possible in prison or suffering in any way! I have to remind myself that she is a teenager, and that with time this will possibly change.

My son is understandably very anxious about the court hearing on Friday and is very fearful of being sent to prison. He phoned up the other day and wanted to come by for a visit when his sisters were at home because he said that he wanted to see us all. I could imagine that in his head he was thinking that he would like to see them before he gets sent away! How hard was it for me to say, No. Even harder yet to try to explain to him that there has been a lot of damage done and that they do not want to see him. That same evening he was coming by for his bike and of course rather then taking it and being on his way he knocked at the door. "Can I come in?" "No." "When can I visit all of you?" "I don't know", "Can I use the toilet?", "No.", "Can I have some money?" "No." " I am cold, can I come in just to warm up?", "No.".....What an unimaginable conversation for a mother to contemplate let alone ever have with her first born child!


               

As parents we are realistic enough to know that our children will not always get along. We can imagine that one day they will not all live near home or even in the same state or even country. One thing we never imagine though, is that our children will never want to be, or in fact will never be, in the same room  or home together sharing a meal or a civilised visit! Even envisioning family arguments at Christmas time is a better alternative then imagining one of your children being excluded.

                          

Oh yes Christmas! Our last Christmas did see my son excluded from the family and how painful was that for me and surely for him. I had to exclude him then because of my daughter's increasing suicidal thoughts. Then when I did open my door and my heart and invited him here during Christmas (with my daughter upstairs in her room the entire time), it failed miserably because he proceeded to get high in his room! Now we are fast approaching Easter and I think to myself, "Where will my son be at Easter?" Will he be in prison and if not shouldn't he be part of the family and share in a meal at home, because that is what it should be, home. How do I separate my children and their lives and still feel like we are a family with a place that we can all call home?

                  

Maybe it is just a question of time, maybe it is too soon and the damage is still raw and painful. There has been little healing done at home because I feel "stuck" and in limbo. I find it difficult to move forward not knowing what the future will hold and in the meantime struggling with these thoughts of a broken family. My older daughter is just starting to show signs of improvement in her recovery towards a better and healthier life. Of course, the main obstacle is still my son's drug addiction and altered state of mind and disjointed memories. Until he seeks recovery and starts repairing himself, family relationships, especially with his sisters, can not be healed.

I find it very hard to believe that it has been three months since my son no longer lives here. I have yet to clean out his room and I find it very hard to think or plan for the future. Perhaps it is because of the ongoing uncertainty of his police investigation or perhaps it is because I feel unable to move forward until he is actually recovering? Well, if it is the latter I am screwed because I might have a very long wait ahead of me!

We all give up some of our own dreams as we grow up and live our life. We are in the process of living and shit happens, so when we are in our 40's we accept that  life is not quite what we imagined it would be when we were very young. However, the dreams we have for our children are often greater and more powerful than the dreams we had for ourselves. We want our children to grow up from generally happy childhoods with enough good memories to out weigh the bad ones. We want our children to get more of an education than we did, to have more opportunities then we did, to see more of the world than we did and to be happier and more successful than we were. When one or more of children's dreams are crushed and we see them living such a dramatically different life then we ever dreamed for them, well that is a very bitter pill for a mother to swallow.

I am of course speaking of the here and now and of course I am not that cynical or depressed to know that none of us know what the future holds and it may indeed turn out to be wonderful for all my children and I will feel happy and fulfilled. Yes, I still hope for brighter tomorrows and healed wounds and repaired relationships and new beginnings...but in the meantime I am dealing with what I have in front of me and my daily struggles because sometimes life is just about dealing with each moment as it comes.

                         

Happy Days

Lately I find myself going down memory lane, looking at photos of happier times and remembering.


                                                     

Remembering back as far as my own childhood and recalling the dreams I had while growing up. My dreams varied of course depending mostly on my age at the time and what my interests were at that time as well. I can remember wanting to be all sorts of things. When I was very small I use to dream of becoming a doctor and going to places in Africa with suitcases full of medicines to help people who really needed it, and of course seeing beautiful wildlife at the same time! If that failed then I could be a ballerina, oh I was so very young then! Later my dreams shifted to things like being a special affects make up artist in the film industry or a model (well we did live near Hollywood so of course these types of dreams came into play)! As I grew older I had dreams of becoming a writer and then finally I put my academic efforts into psychology so that I may one day become a child psychologist.

                                                                (My modelling days!)

Throughout all those years and varied interests and dreams, one thing remained constant as I envisioned my future; I wanted more than anything to be a mother. As a very young child (probably around 7-8) I began putting away some favourite toys and clothes so that my children may one day have them. I still have some and I indeed have given them to my own children. I dreamt of having a large family, always feeling as if we lacked something in our very small family, with all my grandparents, aunt and uncles and cousins living thousands of miles away. So naturally being a little girl dreaming of a large family, I wanted 6 children! I also wanted to marry an Italian "knowing" that they love family! As I grew into my teens I thought 6 was not a realistic goal, 4 would be nice, but still with an Italian husband because Italians are often very handsome (less focus on family values and more interest in looks now)! By the time I hit my 20's I knew my life would be empty without children and I was no longer concerned with how many or with whom for that matter, I wanted to be a mother, and hopefully before I turned 30.

When I was 29 my only life's dream and my most important, had become a reality. I was pregnant and I was going to be a mother. I looked in the mirror and watched tears of joy stream done my face after I took my 2nd pregnancy test. I was going to be a mommy! My greatest dream had been fulfilled! It didn't matter that I was working as a nanny and not a great doctor or writer or psychologist. It didn't even matter when I discovered that the father was not so keen on becoming a father. All that mattered was that I was carrying a beautiful, precious life inside me and I was going to love that baby more than anything else I had ever loved in my life!

When my 1st born was born, I remember being taken to our hospital room when we were finally all cleaned up and seen to after the delivery. It was in the very early hours of the morning, say about 2, since my son was born at 12:07 am. I lay in my hospital bed holding my little sweetheart and both of us were wide awake and we both gazed into each other's eyes for hours! We loved each other straight away! Finally at about 5 am we drifted off into sleep as we continued to look at each other with so much love.

I LOVED being a mother just as I always dreamed I would. My son and I were lucky to have had nearly the first 5 years of his life bonding and building a strong relationship and experiencing so much joy and discovery before my next child came along.


                               
                                       
                                                   (My son and I, when he was nearly 2)

Each time I was pregnant I thought it to be the best experience a woman could have. Carrying my children, giving them birth, caring for them, loving them....that is something that I have dreamt of since being a very little girl. That dream being realised was amazing and wonderful. All my other aspirations fell out the window and in all intents and purposes I have really f****d up my life, but having children, that, I will never regret.

My little boy was amazing and we did so much together: playing, reading, crafts, painting, singing, nature walks, swimming, talking, cuddling...going to places together like museums, play groups, libraries, parks, playgrounds, and so on. If my son showed an interest in something I quickly helped him to develop that interest and he was in those early years an expert in dinosaurs, space, geology and trains.

                                 

We read a lot and one of his favourite books when he was very small was "Guess How Much I love You". In the book the mother and baby say things like, "I love you to the tips of my ears, and back". The baby says,  "I love you to the moon" and mom says, "I love you to the moon, and back".  My son and I use to incorporate so many of his favourite things to express our love. We would say things like, "I love you to the end of the train line, and back", or "I love you to Pluto and back", and "I love you to infinity, and back" and so on. We would try to out do each other because we both felt like we loved the other more than they knew.


                                          

My son was a very happy boy and would even have happy dreams laughing out loud in his sleep. I would go and check on him late at night and fix his covers while he lay sound asleep and I'd whisper, "I love you" in his ear. While still asleep he would say "I love you too" back to me.

He loved to hold my hand while we walked, he helped me with household chores, we played or singed together while doing so. He would help me cook, often with all his Thomas the Tank trains by his side helping him! We would have indoor picnics while it rained outside, have lava lamp discos, and lazy Saturday mornings in bed together watching cartoons. It was wonderful!

I knew my boy was very clever and very sensitive and full of love. I of course, like many proud moms had high hopes for him.....little was I to know what the future would hold and this is where I will end because I do not want to taint these beautiful moments with what became our reality.