Pre Travelling Blues

We are venturing off to sunny Budapest the day after tomorrow and I may not be blogging while we are away. We will not only be visiting my aunt there (who is an amazing 84 years old) , but also attending an amazing week long musical festival, which I help promote here in the UK called the Sziget Festival. My children and I love the bands that are going to be playing and we are almost %100 guaranteed good, sunny, hot but not humid weather.We will get away for 11 days.

Am I excited? Sometimes I feel a slight excitement. Happy? No not really. In actual fact at the moment I feel quite sad, tearful and lonely. Again, as many times when I write, my eyes are welling up with tears, but it is not really the sort of post that I should be crying about!

So why am I feeling this way? Well, writing is a great tool for self expression, self discovery, healing and just an overall emotionally cathartic experience. Writing also can reach out to others and make them have "light bulb" moments or feel comfort that they are not alone.

So, as I sit and begin to gather my thoughts to write this blog post, it starts to become clearer why it is I feel so tearful and sad. Well, it comes as no surprise to me, and probably no surprise to those who read my posts regularly, I can sum up three reasons: my son, my feelings of unimportance to others and a fear that the few good years I have left will be spent more or less alone.

As I have written about our last family vacation and how it was two fold, my son being meant to be part of both trips, but after his disgraceful behaviour on trip one,  I did not allow him to come with us on trip two. I had intended him to go on both trips: however, after his opium addiction was unbearable whilst away, I could not bear to have that behaviour repeated even though he was all paid for. This year is an entirely different scenario, I have deliberately kept him out of our plans entirely. It is a sad day when a mother does not want to include one of her children on a family trip. Even sadder when that child wants to go and has no other social outlets. He is angry and resentful, but that is because he is not fully appreciating the reasons for my decision. I will worry about him while we are away, but at the same time I do not want to be harassed by him while away. I am afraid that it will be a very long time until all of us (my 3 children and I) can participate in any activities together as a harmonious unit, and unfortunately my son does not comprehend this because he has not taken ownership yet of how much an affect his behaviours and activities had on his sisters and the family unit.
                           

Now as far as the feeling of unimportance to others, well I spoke before of my need to feel like someone's priority and that is important to me yet is not something I feel exists in my life. I have very little family left and they are all far away. My children of course need me, but being that they are indeed children their priorities are different and rightly so. I have maybe 2 or 3 friends and 1-2 acquaintances in my life and THAT IS IT. The friends all have their families (parents still alive, children, siblings) all near to them and again, as it should be, they are my friends' priority. My parents are both dead and I have no significant other. I am not even saying that I want a "partner" because I do not really see living with someone right now something that would be feasible or something that I even want. Though I would like to have someone who is a very special part of my life who I know is always there for me! Yep, that is the clincher, because as I wrote "always there for me" the tears welled up again. I thought I may have had a friend who was turning into that special part of my life, but something is different now, (though I may be paranoid and reading between the lines entirely wrong, only time will tell). So the reason why this is on my mind in relation to going away is because there is no one taking us to the airport (though my  friend has ordered a taxi and paid for it, because he has family commitments and can't take us, I am HUGELY grateful for this gesture of kindness, it helps us so very much, but I would have just liked to have given him a hug and a kiss to thank him and say goodbye even if at home and not at the airport but he never had the time). There is going to be no one waiting for us, in fact no one has asked when or how we are coming home. Am I the only one who understands why this makes me want to cry, even though I should be excited that we are actually getting away, especially since all odds were against us going away?! Why do people have such an easy time of letting me slip away?

                               

This of course leads to the third reason, not wanting to spend the last years of being youthful and being lustful for life and happiness alone (despite my age and looking and feeling younger, there will become a time when I do start to look and feel old). At the moment I want someone who loves me and is there for me when I call them, but not necessarily living together, in fact I would be quite happy just seeing a person once a week and having some other contact during the week (txt messages, phone calls etc). I am not in a place right now where I would want to be spending too much time with a person, so if they are busy then great, but it is the understanding and the knowledge that we are the most important things to each other (other than my/his children of course, but even then I feel there are certain situations in which having children does not mean you must sacrifice your own happiness). But alas I do not have such a relationship with someone at the moment and that ties in with the entire "will anyone miss me while I am away?" type of irrational thought processes!!!

I will be on an air plane in 48 hours going to sunny Budapest to hear awesome bands like Queens of The Stone Age, Placebo, The Kooks, Bastille, Band of Skulls, Tom Odell, Blink 182, Miles Kane and so many more!!!! The atmosphere will be great, the food tasty, the drinks cold and the music fantastic. There will be visual arts, hands on activities, a Ferris Wheel, a beach and so much more. I feel horrible to admit it that I wish I had an adult companion with me and not just my kids, well 2 of my 3 kids with me. I am proud that I am a "cool mom" who takes her children to festivals, and travels with them and they have had many great experiences already; however, I want someone to hug, to kiss, to drink with, to dance with and laugh at inappropriate things with. And hey, a holiday romance is out of the question with kids by my side! How horrible of me as a mom to admit that going away as a single mom leaves me feeling somewhat lonely, only sometimes though, not all the time. There are times when I think it is great because I am doing it my way and there are no stupid arguments between the 2 adults.

Loneliness and the feeling that I have somehow let my children down because they do not have other adults around them, nobody else in their lives that loves them, I chose badly and that is not my fault but it has had its consequences for sure. Now though, when I realise that I have been living as a single mom for seven and a half years and in all that time they have witnessed their mother going from being treated badly by one man, to not having anyone in all those years who thinks highly of their mom and loves her. My son, though I think he was completely out of order to say so, has said to me before that why haven't I had any men in my life after his dad and I split. He is right to a certain extent and not only would it have helped me but it would have been wonderful for my children to see what it is actually like when a man and woman love each. If only they could have seen some positive role models growing up in regards to relationships and communication and love. I shudder to think how screwed up they will be when it comes to their own relationships.

                           

My middle daughter must be wondering about why men don't love me (we are not talking about her father now). When we were in France 2 years ago the man I went to visit and I planned a night when I could come over with the girls and cook dinner and spend the night together. A few nights we tentatively planned but he managed to get out of it. We finally succeeded with our plans and had a great night. We were suppose to see each other again before I left France, but it never transpired and my daughters saw me heartbroken and crying as we left France. Two years down the line and here is another man, and in a weird way I see similarities between the two,  I asked him to come over for a home cooked dinner and my youngest kept asking me when is he going to come because we kept asking. Finally he made it and we had an absolutely wonderful time, we had good conversation, laughs, played the Wii with the kids and then had amazing sex for  about 5 hours after the kids went to bed! No awkwardness or nothing in the morning, and he was very sweet and thanked me profusely for such a great night. Before that night he was also popping around quite a bit to help out with some jobs around the house. Since then, though I have seen him a few times while the girls have been in school and communication is  frequent.  Since then we have not had him over for an evening (though I have asked) and I wonder what my middle daughter makes of it. Only two men in her mother's life since the split with her father, and after one night nothing! I worry what kind of a message this has sent to my daughter who is nearly 15 now and learning to be a woman.

So what a weird place my head is in, when I should be excited and full of enthusiasm, right? My left brain and right brain have been having many discussions between them lately! I have come to the conclusion that no matter how well my left brain understands the rational reasons behind people's behaviour, my right brain will always win out because I am very emotionally driven and my romantic heart and soul  put together with my right brain....well, my left brain doesn't stand a chance!

                            

If I do not write  while I am away, I will try to write another post soon after my return home. I hope that my cat Shadow will survive his loneliness without us. I hope that my son will not completely alienate me or use more drugs to mask his sadness that he has been excluded from his family's vacation. I hope that my daughters and I manage to have a good time and we will not be completely bankrupt when we return to an empty fridge (another thing that always makes me sad is returning and having no one in your life that thought about buying a little food and drink to greet us upon our return) and a pile of unpaid bills! I also hope that whoever is out there reading this that their day is one in which their loved ones are safe and you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your struggles in life. Most of all I hope that all of us can find a little love and happiness in our path to recovery, healing and brighter tomorrows!

                             

Holidays are Stressful

Holidays, what do they bring to mind for you? Fun, adventure, relaxation, indulgence, escapism....unfortunately holidays (vacations) can also be stressful. Sometimes I wonder if all the stress is worth it. Stress in preparing/planning/financing, then the stress of being there and trying to make sure everyone is happy while in a new location; then the stress of coming home to stacked up mail made up of mostly  bills, suitcases full of dirty laundry, an empty pocket book as well as an empty fridge! Dealing with that gloomy feeling and sadness of coming back to reality, then, surprisingly your holiday seems to be in the far away past.

                 

Life with an addict makes holidays even more stressful. The last time I was on a holiday with my son was two years ago. I remember being so stressed before hand and doubting whether or not I should take him with us, but on the other hand I did not trust him enough to leave him at home alone. I knew that his behaviour back then was vile and he was taking a lot of drugs. I also knew that we would stay with my elderly aunt and he may not act in a respectable manner as a visitor in her home. I also knew that there was so much animosity between my children that the holiday will more than likely be filled with arguments.

Two years ago I actually had the opportunity to have two holidays during the 6 weeks summer break. We were going to visit my aunt in Budapest, attend a music festival (Sziget Festival) which we have been to before and love. We were going to then go to the Lake Balaton resort area of Hungary with my aunt, who was funding all of our expenses while in Hungary. After returning home we would have a couple of days to get reorganised and then we would be off to the French Alp (Grenoble) to visit an old flame who I had not seen in nearly 20 years. A few days in the city and then a few days up in Alpes d'Huez.

After much conversation, arguments, promises and deals made, I agreed to allow my son to come on both holidays, so I bought tickets for all 4 of us as well as getting large enough accommodation in France so that my son could have his privacy and the girls and I could have ours.

Of course after everything was booked and it was too late to the change the vacationing number from 4 people to 3, my son started to discuss and prepare and devise a scheme on how he will take drugs with him without getting caught! He took his stash of benzos, and legal highs and home made tinctures as well as ordering his poppy heads to be sent to my aunt's house in Budapest!!!! I realised I had made a big mistake.

The majority of our time spent in Hungary was riddled with arguments, my son being up most of the night, making a fuss about making his "tea" and sleeping most of the day making the rest of us wait for him and then having to wait some more while he prepared and drank his "tea", the excessive shouting and swearing, begging for money so he can buy alcohol and treating my poor old aunt which such disrespect that at the end of the holiday as we said our good byes at the airport, my aunt was barely on speaking terms with my son and she said she did not want to see him again until he is "better". My son was very resentful and thought she was out of order. My son kept having a go at me because he could not understand what we were all so upset about! Unfortunately, there are many, many stories that I could tell that would illustrate the horrendous holiday we had. However, one incident in particular comes to mind though. At the music festival, after a day of music I was going to buy my daughters a snack (they were both hungry) before my youngest daughter was to be picked up by my aunt, so I could longer to stay to enjoy the later evening bands with my older daughter and my son. As we waited in line to buy some food, my son who was VERY intoxicated on opium and alcohol came and started harassing me for money for more drinks. By this time I was already angry with him for his behaviour that day, so I had walked away from him with my daughters because I told him I did not want to have anything to do with him in such a vile state. He was so aggressive from the intoxication, he was so abusive to me that I was not only embarrassed, but also scared. We were indeed creating a scene. To create a scene at a music festival with lots of people and so much going on and so much noise,  is really saying something! I noticed my daughters, the younger one was VERY scared as well as tired and hungry. My older daughter was very angry and hated that my son always had to steal my attention and "ruin" things for her and for us all. The situation got so intense that the people around use started to look very worried and finally some brave woman came over to "protect" me and asked if I wanted someone to get this man away from me. You can imagine the look on her face and other on lookers as I said to her in between gasps of air (because I was crying so much), "He is my son!". She  hugged me and stayed with me until the situation calmed down and my son had moved on.

On the last night of the festival, the closing head-liner was "The Killers", one of my daughter's favourite bands. Despite having told my son again on that night to please leave us alone, he kept coming to me demanding more money for drink! I wanted him to get away because the concert had started and my daughter was getting increasingly perturbed as her brother kept getting "in our face". In the end I ended up grabbing his drink and throwing it on him! I could not believe I did that and I was very distressed. I was angry at him. He left because after having him shout about what I had done, and my daughter was missing her band's performance, I caved in and gave him money to buy himself another drink just to get rid of him! Can you imagine what that feels like for a mother? Especially a mother who has always adored her son? Later I caught a glimpse of my son, who after getting a drink came back to the same area my daughter and I were standing and watching the concert. My son was smiling and dancing around. He looked happy, he looked like he use to, he made me feel so sorry for him! I wanted to cry, in fact my eyes are welling up just visualizing it now as I write these words. I wanted him to be happy and with friends and dancing and enjoying himself as a "normal" teenager. Instead, I saw my son who was off his face on opium and alcohol but lost in the music, no longer angry or abusive, I was no longer anger or hurt, my heart went out to him!

When we arrived back in England I decided that I did not want to go through all of this again while in France. I wanted a wonderful time. I wanted a real holiday, away from the stress and the abuse and worry and sadness. I wanted to have a romantic and fun and enjoyable reunion of the last man I had loved. I stood my ground and broke the news to my son. Yes, I wasted a lot of money, coach fare to Paris, train fare to Grenoble, two separate hotels which were bigger now than needed to be.....and I was not to have foreseen all the money I was to spend while I was away on my son! Luckily I decided to sell my grandmother's thick, beautiful 18 carat necklace for £400 in case I needed more money than I had while in France. We ended up going to Paris together and then parted ways (after way too much nonsense) as he went to a festival and we went on to our destination. His plans went horribly wrong because he was drinking opium all day and evening and lost his way back to his hotel, lost his wallet, lost his passport ect. While I was trying to enjoy Grenoble (which I did very much, but it was not the lovesfest I had hoped it to be) I was constantly being called by my son, I was paying extra night upon extra night at his hotel at 99 Euros per night, I kept sending money into his account via internet banking for food, and topping up his phone for him etc until he managed to get home! Even then I had to send him money because his father was not prepared to take him grocery shopping!

Needless to say, France was not the ideal holiday either. My daughter's and I had no money to eat while in the Alps, my card being declined in French! I had to ask my friends and family to wire ME money! All this because I spent that £400 to help my son. So not only did my romantic dreams not come true, not only did I spend way too much money, but my son seemed to still somehow able to control my life and I did not relax or escape nearly as much as I would have liked to!

So here we are, two years on, some dreadful things have happened in those two years: arguments, police call outs for domestic "violence", me turning in chemicals to a drug's clinic, huge overreaction of what was called "chemical spill",  my son's arrest for drug production and possession, the drug clinic's chaos on national news, the police invading our home and having to be evacuated, our story all over the newspapers several times, police reports, witness statements, court dates, my daughter's self harming as a result of all this, her many appointments and also group "therapy", social services getting involved, children in need meetings, more arguments and emotional/verbal abuse, my daughter's suicidal ideation, concerns for her safety,  Family Solutions involvement, meetings and appointments, telling my son that he needed to move out, my son being homeless, my son in homeless shelters, more problems due to his drugs, my son becoming involved with the "wrong" people now that he was being exposed to people, numerous calls from the emergency room, my son's alcohol withdrawal grand mal seizure, my daughter's intense hatred for her brother, my youngest daughter's confusion whether she should like or dislike her brother, my son's psychotic breakdown and 10 day stay in the mental hospital, numbers problems with his supported housing, money problems for us, loneliness, alienation, debt collectors at my door, no support from their father.....Jesus Christ, this list is quite long, isn't it???? I think a break is well and truly in order for us all;however, given the current situation and difficulties I can only offer a break for me and my daughters!!!



                               


So I bit the bullet and decided, who cares if I can not afford a holiday? When will I ever be able to afford anything? I have no more gold to sell, the last was sold when I had to entertain our German exchange, and then as sad as it sounds, I had to sell some small items, just to be able to entertain a friend at home! I went completely right brain here and booked flights with all my housekeeping money. Guess what? I booked one way tickets because I could not afford return flights and I could have afforded return coach travel but they were all sold out! So I am hoping my aunt will help me and we can buy some coach tickets  for our journey back home! Also, this is how completely desperate I am to get the hell away from here for a while, I booked our flight despite the fact that my passport that has been sent away to be renewed has not been returned yet!!!! Here we are, 4 days before our flight, no passport, no money, no ride to the airport (though my friend has offered to order a taxi and pay for it),,,,ha ha ha...I am crazy! So, talk about pre holiday stress!

I had to break the news to my son because he needs to appear before the judge for a review on August 18 and I wont be here to support him and help him. Well, the onslaught of criticisms I received and the guilt trip he put me on, not to mention that he certainly knows how to push all the right buttons, was incredible. It did not help that I could see on his eyes that he was high on Etizolam, which he admitted to taking, but corrected me that he is not high, but he is relaxed! I was told how irresponsible I am being, how he needs a break much more than I do because he is the victim in all this, all this that I had caused and created because I did not listen! His life is destroyed and mine is so much better, therefore I should be taking him or giving him a holiday. I am selfish! I felt my blood start to boil, my arms shacking, my head pounding and my heart racing. I was reminded that this was the way I use to live, feeling like that most of the time. Days after that encounter I received phone calls from my son that he needs money etc. He told me that he was so disgusted after our conversation about my impending holiday, he thought me so despicable that he was so upset, he "had to" drink a lot and take the rest of his Etizolam. Now he is feeling ill and fearful for his life because he felt as if he was going to have another seizure due to lack of sufficient alcohol, which he now needs because he took all his etizolam, because he was so upset by me, that I owe it to him to give him money for alcohol....and if I do not, if he dies it will ALL be on my shoulders! I stood my ground, though I felt all the physical affects his behaviour was having on me. However, 4 days of phone calls and txts, I sent him money!

I am sure while on holiday my aunt will want to discuss all my problems. I am sure I will be worried about money and the standard phrase will be, "I don't have money for that". I am sure that my son will try his best to guilt trip me across the miles. I am sure that I will feel the void of not having someone with me to have someone as my equal to talk to, drink with, dance with, laugh with. I am sure I will be worrying about what will await us when we get home. Stress on holiday!

                            

When we arrive home, I will have unpaid bills, I will have to start getting ready for the new school term which means new uniforms, shoes, P.E. kits, dance wear, train passes, ballet fees AND I will also be having a German exchange student coming Sept 28th. I will have the awkwardness of meeting up with my son and probably being put through the same nonsense as before. I will no doubt, being the romantic sentimental fool that I am, be feeling quite sad that there is no one waiting for us, no one expecting us, no one to be with when we come home.

So guess what? I AM TAKING MY DAUGHTERS ON HOLIDAY! Woowhoo! Do you know what? It will create stress, but I do not really give a damn right now. I want to be in the sun, listen to awesome music at an amazing festival! I want to laugh and dance and act stupid with my daughters! I want to see my aunt because you never know when it will be for the last time. I want to eat food that I can only eat in Hungary. I want to escape for a while.

Holidays, like life are far from perfect and comes with their ups and downs, but I am going to forget my troubles the best I can while I am away and have as much fun as I can and I will just deal with all the stress when I come home, as I do all the time anyway for stress is part of my life.

I hope my son will make his probation appointments, his DRR (drug rehabilitation requirement) appointments, his court appointment, while all the time staying alive and safe. He is going to be 20 years old in 6 months, it is time he starts stepping up and learning a bit about taking responsibility for himself. I am not to blame for what happened over the last few years of his life, in fact I do not believe in pointing blame at anyone. It happened and we all had our roles to play, and we should all take an active role in healing, recovery and moving forward.