Holidays are Stressful

Holidays, what do they bring to mind for you? Fun, adventure, relaxation, indulgence, escapism....unfortunately holidays (vacations) can also be stressful. Sometimes I wonder if all the stress is worth it. Stress in preparing/planning/financing, then the stress of being there and trying to make sure everyone is happy while in a new location; then the stress of coming home to stacked up mail made up of mostly  bills, suitcases full of dirty laundry, an empty pocket book as well as an empty fridge! Dealing with that gloomy feeling and sadness of coming back to reality, then, surprisingly your holiday seems to be in the far away past.

                 

Life with an addict makes holidays even more stressful. The last time I was on a holiday with my son was two years ago. I remember being so stressed before hand and doubting whether or not I should take him with us, but on the other hand I did not trust him enough to leave him at home alone. I knew that his behaviour back then was vile and he was taking a lot of drugs. I also knew that we would stay with my elderly aunt and he may not act in a respectable manner as a visitor in her home. I also knew that there was so much animosity between my children that the holiday will more than likely be filled with arguments.

Two years ago I actually had the opportunity to have two holidays during the 6 weeks summer break. We were going to visit my aunt in Budapest, attend a music festival (Sziget Festival) which we have been to before and love. We were going to then go to the Lake Balaton resort area of Hungary with my aunt, who was funding all of our expenses while in Hungary. After returning home we would have a couple of days to get reorganised and then we would be off to the French Alp (Grenoble) to visit an old flame who I had not seen in nearly 20 years. A few days in the city and then a few days up in Alpes d'Huez.

After much conversation, arguments, promises and deals made, I agreed to allow my son to come on both holidays, so I bought tickets for all 4 of us as well as getting large enough accommodation in France so that my son could have his privacy and the girls and I could have ours.

Of course after everything was booked and it was too late to the change the vacationing number from 4 people to 3, my son started to discuss and prepare and devise a scheme on how he will take drugs with him without getting caught! He took his stash of benzos, and legal highs and home made tinctures as well as ordering his poppy heads to be sent to my aunt's house in Budapest!!!! I realised I had made a big mistake.

The majority of our time spent in Hungary was riddled with arguments, my son being up most of the night, making a fuss about making his "tea" and sleeping most of the day making the rest of us wait for him and then having to wait some more while he prepared and drank his "tea", the excessive shouting and swearing, begging for money so he can buy alcohol and treating my poor old aunt which such disrespect that at the end of the holiday as we said our good byes at the airport, my aunt was barely on speaking terms with my son and she said she did not want to see him again until he is "better". My son was very resentful and thought she was out of order. My son kept having a go at me because he could not understand what we were all so upset about! Unfortunately, there are many, many stories that I could tell that would illustrate the horrendous holiday we had. However, one incident in particular comes to mind though. At the music festival, after a day of music I was going to buy my daughters a snack (they were both hungry) before my youngest daughter was to be picked up by my aunt, so I could longer to stay to enjoy the later evening bands with my older daughter and my son. As we waited in line to buy some food, my son who was VERY intoxicated on opium and alcohol came and started harassing me for money for more drinks. By this time I was already angry with him for his behaviour that day, so I had walked away from him with my daughters because I told him I did not want to have anything to do with him in such a vile state. He was so aggressive from the intoxication, he was so abusive to me that I was not only embarrassed, but also scared. We were indeed creating a scene. To create a scene at a music festival with lots of people and so much going on and so much noise,  is really saying something! I noticed my daughters, the younger one was VERY scared as well as tired and hungry. My older daughter was very angry and hated that my son always had to steal my attention and "ruin" things for her and for us all. The situation got so intense that the people around use started to look very worried and finally some brave woman came over to "protect" me and asked if I wanted someone to get this man away from me. You can imagine the look on her face and other on lookers as I said to her in between gasps of air (because I was crying so much), "He is my son!". She  hugged me and stayed with me until the situation calmed down and my son had moved on.

On the last night of the festival, the closing head-liner was "The Killers", one of my daughter's favourite bands. Despite having told my son again on that night to please leave us alone, he kept coming to me demanding more money for drink! I wanted him to get away because the concert had started and my daughter was getting increasingly perturbed as her brother kept getting "in our face". In the end I ended up grabbing his drink and throwing it on him! I could not believe I did that and I was very distressed. I was angry at him. He left because after having him shout about what I had done, and my daughter was missing her band's performance, I caved in and gave him money to buy himself another drink just to get rid of him! Can you imagine what that feels like for a mother? Especially a mother who has always adored her son? Later I caught a glimpse of my son, who after getting a drink came back to the same area my daughter and I were standing and watching the concert. My son was smiling and dancing around. He looked happy, he looked like he use to, he made me feel so sorry for him! I wanted to cry, in fact my eyes are welling up just visualizing it now as I write these words. I wanted him to be happy and with friends and dancing and enjoying himself as a "normal" teenager. Instead, I saw my son who was off his face on opium and alcohol but lost in the music, no longer angry or abusive, I was no longer anger or hurt, my heart went out to him!

When we arrived back in England I decided that I did not want to go through all of this again while in France. I wanted a wonderful time. I wanted a real holiday, away from the stress and the abuse and worry and sadness. I wanted to have a romantic and fun and enjoyable reunion of the last man I had loved. I stood my ground and broke the news to my son. Yes, I wasted a lot of money, coach fare to Paris, train fare to Grenoble, two separate hotels which were bigger now than needed to be.....and I was not to have foreseen all the money I was to spend while I was away on my son! Luckily I decided to sell my grandmother's thick, beautiful 18 carat necklace for £400 in case I needed more money than I had while in France. We ended up going to Paris together and then parted ways (after way too much nonsense) as he went to a festival and we went on to our destination. His plans went horribly wrong because he was drinking opium all day and evening and lost his way back to his hotel, lost his wallet, lost his passport ect. While I was trying to enjoy Grenoble (which I did very much, but it was not the lovesfest I had hoped it to be) I was constantly being called by my son, I was paying extra night upon extra night at his hotel at 99 Euros per night, I kept sending money into his account via internet banking for food, and topping up his phone for him etc until he managed to get home! Even then I had to send him money because his father was not prepared to take him grocery shopping!

Needless to say, France was not the ideal holiday either. My daughter's and I had no money to eat while in the Alps, my card being declined in French! I had to ask my friends and family to wire ME money! All this because I spent that £400 to help my son. So not only did my romantic dreams not come true, not only did I spend way too much money, but my son seemed to still somehow able to control my life and I did not relax or escape nearly as much as I would have liked to!

So here we are, two years on, some dreadful things have happened in those two years: arguments, police call outs for domestic "violence", me turning in chemicals to a drug's clinic, huge overreaction of what was called "chemical spill",  my son's arrest for drug production and possession, the drug clinic's chaos on national news, the police invading our home and having to be evacuated, our story all over the newspapers several times, police reports, witness statements, court dates, my daughter's self harming as a result of all this, her many appointments and also group "therapy", social services getting involved, children in need meetings, more arguments and emotional/verbal abuse, my daughter's suicidal ideation, concerns for her safety,  Family Solutions involvement, meetings and appointments, telling my son that he needed to move out, my son being homeless, my son in homeless shelters, more problems due to his drugs, my son becoming involved with the "wrong" people now that he was being exposed to people, numerous calls from the emergency room, my son's alcohol withdrawal grand mal seizure, my daughter's intense hatred for her brother, my youngest daughter's confusion whether she should like or dislike her brother, my son's psychotic breakdown and 10 day stay in the mental hospital, numbers problems with his supported housing, money problems for us, loneliness, alienation, debt collectors at my door, no support from their father.....Jesus Christ, this list is quite long, isn't it???? I think a break is well and truly in order for us all;however, given the current situation and difficulties I can only offer a break for me and my daughters!!!



                               


So I bit the bullet and decided, who cares if I can not afford a holiday? When will I ever be able to afford anything? I have no more gold to sell, the last was sold when I had to entertain our German exchange, and then as sad as it sounds, I had to sell some small items, just to be able to entertain a friend at home! I went completely right brain here and booked flights with all my housekeeping money. Guess what? I booked one way tickets because I could not afford return flights and I could have afforded return coach travel but they were all sold out! So I am hoping my aunt will help me and we can buy some coach tickets  for our journey back home! Also, this is how completely desperate I am to get the hell away from here for a while, I booked our flight despite the fact that my passport that has been sent away to be renewed has not been returned yet!!!! Here we are, 4 days before our flight, no passport, no money, no ride to the airport (though my friend has offered to order a taxi and pay for it),,,,ha ha ha...I am crazy! So, talk about pre holiday stress!

I had to break the news to my son because he needs to appear before the judge for a review on August 18 and I wont be here to support him and help him. Well, the onslaught of criticisms I received and the guilt trip he put me on, not to mention that he certainly knows how to push all the right buttons, was incredible. It did not help that I could see on his eyes that he was high on Etizolam, which he admitted to taking, but corrected me that he is not high, but he is relaxed! I was told how irresponsible I am being, how he needs a break much more than I do because he is the victim in all this, all this that I had caused and created because I did not listen! His life is destroyed and mine is so much better, therefore I should be taking him or giving him a holiday. I am selfish! I felt my blood start to boil, my arms shacking, my head pounding and my heart racing. I was reminded that this was the way I use to live, feeling like that most of the time. Days after that encounter I received phone calls from my son that he needs money etc. He told me that he was so disgusted after our conversation about my impending holiday, he thought me so despicable that he was so upset, he "had to" drink a lot and take the rest of his Etizolam. Now he is feeling ill and fearful for his life because he felt as if he was going to have another seizure due to lack of sufficient alcohol, which he now needs because he took all his etizolam, because he was so upset by me, that I owe it to him to give him money for alcohol....and if I do not, if he dies it will ALL be on my shoulders! I stood my ground, though I felt all the physical affects his behaviour was having on me. However, 4 days of phone calls and txts, I sent him money!

I am sure while on holiday my aunt will want to discuss all my problems. I am sure I will be worried about money and the standard phrase will be, "I don't have money for that". I am sure that my son will try his best to guilt trip me across the miles. I am sure that I will feel the void of not having someone with me to have someone as my equal to talk to, drink with, dance with, laugh with. I am sure I will be worrying about what will await us when we get home. Stress on holiday!

                            

When we arrive home, I will have unpaid bills, I will have to start getting ready for the new school term which means new uniforms, shoes, P.E. kits, dance wear, train passes, ballet fees AND I will also be having a German exchange student coming Sept 28th. I will have the awkwardness of meeting up with my son and probably being put through the same nonsense as before. I will no doubt, being the romantic sentimental fool that I am, be feeling quite sad that there is no one waiting for us, no one expecting us, no one to be with when we come home.

So guess what? I AM TAKING MY DAUGHTERS ON HOLIDAY! Woowhoo! Do you know what? It will create stress, but I do not really give a damn right now. I want to be in the sun, listen to awesome music at an amazing festival! I want to laugh and dance and act stupid with my daughters! I want to see my aunt because you never know when it will be for the last time. I want to eat food that I can only eat in Hungary. I want to escape for a while.

Holidays, like life are far from perfect and comes with their ups and downs, but I am going to forget my troubles the best I can while I am away and have as much fun as I can and I will just deal with all the stress when I come home, as I do all the time anyway for stress is part of my life.

I hope my son will make his probation appointments, his DRR (drug rehabilitation requirement) appointments, his court appointment, while all the time staying alive and safe. He is going to be 20 years old in 6 months, it is time he starts stepping up and learning a bit about taking responsibility for himself. I am not to blame for what happened over the last few years of his life, in fact I do not believe in pointing blame at anyone. It happened and we all had our roles to play, and we should all take an active role in healing, recovery and moving forward.

               

Feeling Low

I am feeling quite sad at the moment, I am not really sure why. I have been thinking too much lately about my life and the feeling of emptiness that I have experienced for much of my 49 years. Maybe emptiness is not the right word, maybe sadness or longing. I am analysing my relationships with my mother, father, past and present friendships, men I love (there are only 2 I fell in love with, though I had many men in my life before I married. Neither of those two men is not my ex husband which is sad in itself, but even sadder is that neither of the 2 men that I loved/love is in the position to have me in their life fully, one was in the past and one is current), my children (there upbringing, their current situations and what their futures hold), my future, my health, my financial situation and my many failures and a few of my successes). All these ponderings leave me with this sensation of emptiness and somehow wanting to fill a void within me and in my life.

                                                        My mother and I before my illness.


I think that maybe some of these feelings stem from the relationship I had with my mother. I adored my mother, so very much. I had a less than typical childhood since I became ill at the age of 7 and spend so much time at home and in the hospital, all the while my mother was by my side, nurturing me, protecting me, loving me, trying to teach me ways to cope with the agony I was going through. At around the age of 10, my symptoms were finally getting under control because of a very high and long term steroid treatment. At last I was able to go back to school, but then a new bag of troubles started, bullying at school because I looked hideous from the steroid treatment, and of course I was isolated even more for having no friends since we had also moved homes around that time. My mother was my rock! She was the only person I could talk to. She helped me get through the hardest periods of my childhood. When I was around 13-14 years old, the bullying was so bad, with threatening phone calls and fears of beatings and threats to end my life that I refused to attend school! My mother's love then became enabling and she allowed me to stay home! So we spent a lot of time together, and even though I completely disagree with the fact that she let me stop going to school, and I never finished high school, I do still so admire her love for me.

                                                    Me during my Prednisolone treatment.


She did try to help me later when I was 16 and enrolled me in driving school so that I could get my license since I was not getting my driver's education, as I would have done if I remained in school. Then she tried to help me find work, she accepted my dream to be a model and paid for modelling school and an expensive portfolio and took me to various assignments and appointments. We even tried to run a small business together, and when all that failed she was very supportive when I signed up to our local community college when I was 18. After nearly 2 years at our local college, my real dreams started to formulate. I loved being a student! I wanted to learn and I wanted to study psychology and eventually be a practising psychologist. My mother helped me as much as she could in the early days of college, since I had virtually no high school education to apply to my classes and assignments. So she studied with me! Finally I did not need that support from her as my confidence grew as I was receiving good grades and I started to immerse myself in academia.

My dreams were such that I would need to attend university. I nervously applied to three and one was the ultimate dream, UCLA! I was overjoyed when I got accepted to all three schools! My mother and I cried tears of joys after remembering what hard times I went through to get to where I was! It was wonderful, my dreams were starting to come through and I would make my future bright as well as giving back  to my mother the love and care she always bestowed upon to me! I was feeling happy. My UCLA days were some of the happiest days in my life and my mother was so very proud!

Then a terrible unforeseen event happened; my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis was by chance during a routine gall bladder surgery. I was the only one in the hospital waiting room when I was told the terrible news. Not only was I told she had cancer but that it was inoperable and she had about 3 months to live! That was the beginning of my dreams, as well as life as I knew it, crumbling down upon me.
I did lose my mother, 6 months later. I took her to her chemo and radiation appointments. I cared for her and nursed her and towards the end gave her more liquid morphine than she was allowed because she was screaming out in pain as well as withdrawals, and having hallucinations as she was wanting more and more and more! She died from a morphine induced coma and I was the only one there by her side, I tried to study during that long restless night as I had final exams the following day. Eventually sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I was next to my beloved mother as she drew her finally big breath of air, as if she was about to go under water, then she was gone.


                                   

                                 
I now realise that ever since then, I have NEVER been anyone's priority. I was my mother's priority much of the time because of my illness and the subsequent problems it created in my life. This priority did cause resentment within my sister, but that was not my mother's intention, for I remember many times when she too was my mother's priority! All I want, all I have ever wanted was to be someone's priority. This I wanted from the men in my life and I have never ever felt that from any man. Now at my age I realise that I will never have such a love in my life and this makes me feel very, very sad indeed. I am not saying I will never be loved, but I will never be anyone's priority because once we have children our priority will always be our children.

                                           
                                   
My children are obviously my priority, but sometimes I think why? Doesn't that sound horrible? But then tonight in my support group I heard 2 different women say basically the same thing. I heard one say that she is starting to feel that she does not want her children to go on holiday with her, she wants to go alone, she does not want her kids...obviously she does not honestly feel she does not want her kids any more, but there are fleeting moments when you feel like, "I just want to be a person without my kids"! Another woman said that sometimes she wished she would get into an accident, just so she could have a break from her kids in the hospital! And we are not talking young children, young children may be physically draining, but older children can sometimes drain your spirit!

Today I saw my son, who has been my priority for 19 years! My ex husband never felt this sense of priority. He continued with his life, his socializing with his friends, going away on his own holidays, weekends away, night's out, overnight stays, laziness at home, not caring for his children etc. It hurt me that my son was so disrespectful to me today and it comes so easily to him to try to blame me, control me, hurt me. I felt so stupid, I wish I had a better word to describe myself, but stupid is the only word that I can use. Stupid because I have made my children my one and only priority for all these years and yet my only son finds it so acceptable to treat me the way he does. He does not treat me this way most of the time any more, but that is probably because he is not living at home and we do not spend that much time together as we did when he was at home. I left feeling all wound up and on edge, with my heart thumping in my chest and feeling agitated and snappy with others.

                                     

I hated being told how everything is wrong in his life and that it is all my fault. I told him that I might go away for a short holiday break, and then he started demanding that he is the one who deserves a break, not me. My life apparently always works out and is better than his, and if I would have listened to him in the first place and did as I was told there would have never been any trouble and he would still be enjoying life doing what he enjoys doing, but I took everything away from him. When I asked him if it was ok for his father and or his grandparents to have breaks and holidays he said yes it is but I can not go away unless I provide a holiday for him as well since I am the one who created so many problems! Lovely, at least I did not have to listen to him calling me a f****** c*** over and over again like I use to when he lived at home!

Then later in the evening, as I mentioned above,  I went to my support group for parents who are "suppose to" have children with drug problems. I say, "suppose to", because, well I am sorry, but living with a son who goes to work, has friends, has some decent hobbies and generally behaves himself, but he likes to smoke a bit of weed from time to time, is not a child with a drug problem. OK, I am feeling quite self obsessed and maybe a bit of self pity is playing on my thoughts today. . Another member who just started our group today is another one who says her son only smokes weed, but he has very abusive behaviour towards her. I feel a lot of these parents who may have badly behaved children, with some underlying issues and they have challenging situations at home, but I do not see smoking a bit of weed as being a drug problem. Cannabis is different than it use to be, I know that, and I am sure that smoking weed on top of underlying issues and aggressive personalities will make life worse rather than easier, but I feel that somehow there should be another group that I should be in! I know my son has many underlying issues, but he was never, up until maybe 3-4 years ago, badly behaved, but he has a major drug problem with several very dangerous drugs. But I walked away from group tonight feeling like an alien, I did not feel I belonged in the group and in fact tonight I had very little to contribute and felt an unnecessary member. I also left the group being reminded about this "priority" dilemma I am feeling. Out of the 8 people in attendance, I felt again, this self pitying feeling of, "I have no one really by my side who I can lean on when I need to. No one who is in my life who is part of it. You know, I am talking partner, parents, siblings, that many people do seem to have to talk to and get comfort from. I came home feeling that I was very alone and I am not sure why exactly as half of the people are single parents and a few are going through some really tough times.

                                    

So today I was made to feel quite unnerved by my son. I was reminded of what my life was like on a daily basis and I do not know how I coped for so long like that. I was also told by my son, who was feeling suitably "relaxed" (his way if describing being on something) on Etizolam, that it would be far better for him physically, emotionally, financially to be on his etizolam regularly and that the money he would save on not buying as much alcohol would be a great way to start saving money and that he generally feels so much better this way and he does not understand why I am so resistant to accept this. He also explained that he had a chat with one of his workers at the drug rehabilitation appointments that he does not intend to give up all drugs and what would happened if after his requirement is met ,he was found out to be taking legal highs or benzos he purchased on line. Well good news for my son is that they said nothing would happen, under the eyes of the law it would be an improvement from what he was doing when he got arrested, and that they are not illegal!

So my precious boy who I loved and adored and brought up so very well can sit eating the doughnuts and tea I bought him, while he was talking to me in an emotionally abusive tone and tells me he has no intention of giving up on his drugs. I am so tired of telling him that this is his opportunity to start moving forward because one day he will realise the life he is living now, is not what he wants to be doing. He does not want to change his life, but I do not want to watch and wait until he does; however, I do not want to have him out of my life, I love him too much!

Sorry, I am having a shit day. I am feeling alone and like things will never change, though I know they have changed in subtle ways already, it is sometimes easy to lose your focus. Maybe I am getting impatient and greedy. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy and thriving in a healthy lifestyle. I want someone to love me and be there for me without any restrictions. I want to be free to express myself without fear of being judged or losing those I love. I want to be free from financial worries to do things that make me feel happy. I have waiting so very long for these things and I am getting tired of waiting.

                                             

I am very low in mood and I do not like writing such posts that come across as "woe is me" but sometimes we all feel like this and it does help to get it out and since I can not sit down and talk to someone whenever I need to, I sit down and talk to people through my computer and hope that someone who will read this will "get me" and also the sheer fact that I have somehow purged these thoughts and formulated them into words in my blog helps me work through my complex emotions.

Tomorrow is another day as they say,  and we can only hope that tomorrow will be better, when we are feeling less than happy today!

15 Minutes of Fame

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be world famous for 15 minutes. Do you now what, I have not been world famous, but we have had our share of local fame and I do not like it! We have been in the news AGAIN and I am quite disturbed how easily these so called "journalists" can twist facts until they are in fact spreading lies!

                           

This is all following my son's court hearing in which he pleaded guilty to the charges. So what sort of silliness appears in the papers? "Local teen pleads guilty to drug factory charges", and comparing him to the film "The Wolf of Wall Street"...yeah right!!!!

When a so called "friend" txted my son that he is in the news, my son was so upset and had no where else to turn but to me. He stopped by unexpectedly, much to the dismay of my daughters, but we managed to have a chat. The poor guy broke down in tears because he is tired of all this and just wanted it to all be over and done with. Yet, he is well aware that it will never really be since people have labelled him and singled him out in our community. He is also aware that in the future when looking for employment, when a Google check is made on him, these news items will continue to pop up.

So that was a few weeks ago and we had to wait for the next sentencing hearing and of course the next, and last, opportunity for the press to put our story in the local papers. What no one realises, by no one I mean the strangers reading the papers and the journalists themselves, is that the feelings the lies and misinformation evoke in my son (as in anyone in the same situation) is so upsetting that he had to make himself feel better. How does an addict make themselves feel better? Oh, yes, by taking more drugs! I understand why, to remove themselves from the outside world and to feel better and manage day to day existence. So we waited for sentencing and my son took what he could, drank what he could and tried to hide in his haze while he waited.

                                                                

My son was not in a good way.  I decided to take him to the parole office for his pre sentencing report appointment. Each time he was intoxicated so I made a point of telling him that I do not agree with his behaviour therefore I will not be supporting him in his appointment since I do not want it to appear that I condone his behaviour. This happened on the first occasion and then on the second occasion, he had no memory of the first, but again, I told him that I will be sitting in and supporting him, though he did want me to. The third occasion was a good few weeks later after sentencing when he had to attend a parole appoint, he sadly had no memory of ever being there, that was how intoxicated he was on the prior two visits. It is also a testimony how long term alcohol and drug use destroys the memory.

The day we have been waiting for since Oct 3rd finally came, the sentencing hearing on July 9. It took nine months of various turmoil and anxiety and stress and worry from his arrest to find out the punishment he would receive. Three different occasions of being in the local press, various levels of drug use, finally accepting that my son had to leave, my son's homelessness, hospitalization, moving to supported housing, fear of eviction, poverty,a roller coaster of emotions....so much happened within those nine months, and all the time the fear of the unknown future for my son loomed over our heads. It was a very difficult time, but we have survived and in some ways even progressed.

                                

Court, as usual, was a very long day. This day at court was the longest though, we were there from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm! No need to complain about that though, because we were so very fortunate to be heard in front an excellent judge. To make a very long story short, my son sat in the dock nodding off since he was self medicating throughout the day. We had the support of our Family Solutions worker and of course my son's solicitor, both very lovely women who are very good what they do. My son did not receive a custodial sentence, he has a 1 year community order (probation), 6 months DRR (drug rehabilitation requirement) and 100 hours of unpaid work as well as monthly reviews in front of the judge and the judge requested that he be the judge he sees as he would like to follow my son's progress.

The reporters were in the courtroom and one waited around outside the court house for us. My son this time did not run away from the reporter, he finally had his say, "I am glad it is all over". Yes we most certainly are, though it is not over, in some respects it is just starting as far as his recovery, the saga of the courtroom drama and the fear of the unknown of what will happen in court is finally over!

                                

We had a nice two page spread in the newspaper, and this time he was referred to as Breaking Bad Jr, this was the first article that had the sole purpose of sensationalising the evil local drug factory criminal mind of a local teenager! It was a reasonable in many respects, though there were a few "yeah right"moments when I read it!

This chapter has ended! Let us hope the next chapter will be more positive and less trying. My son made big mistakes, but as the judge clearly saw, he is not a criminal who is a danger to society, he is a young man with serious issues which need addressing with support and rehabilitation which will, hopefully, move him forward and remove the need to self medicate regardless of the consequences.

So we have had our moment of being infamous in my opinion, but maybe my son will still have his real 15 minutes of fame for an experience sparked by a positive event or contribution!


                                       
                                                           

Friends

Friends, what is a true blue friend and why do we need them so much in our lives? I have been thinking about that saying "A friend in need, is a friend indeed" an awful lot lately. I have been pondering my friendships and lack of true friendship in many relationships these days. The dictionary defines the phrase "a friend in need is a friend indeed" as "a friend who helps you when you really need help is a true friend".   This makes me think a lot of the people we so loosely call friends and also what defines a friend in a cloudy addiction focused mind.

                                           


Not many of my friendships have survived all the trials and tribulations which have been  many in my life. People seem to come and go and few remain through thick and thin.There have been friends who I thought would be there forever, been through illness and even death with me, yet when I moved out of America, I never had that person as a friend, ever again. There have been friends told me how they have very little friends because they just don't "click" with many people, making me feel "special" that I was indeed their friend and I their's, yet did not share important things with me, such as planning a move, until one day they were gone. Friends who made me feel so misunderstood and stupid for putting up with as much as I put up with from my son. Friends who were quick to judge and alienate me when the ugly truth came out that my son was a drug addict. People who made it very clear that I am to blame because I allowed such behaviour in my home and what I need to do, the easiest and best thing to do, would be to change the locks and kick the bastard out!!!! Oh my God! Is that friendship?

When I reconnected with an old "friend" a couple of years ago and he asked me to visit him, I said yes of course without hesitation, though I had to pull a lot of strings to finance it! It just amazes me that a few times I have mentioned to this "friend" that I needed a couple of days to escape reality because all the stuff going on, it never transpired. I asked one last time very casually saying that while my daughter was in Germany it would be nice for him to pop over and visit me for a weekend...nope! I thought, "Really? Jeeze that is not a lot to ask...a little friendship, a little distraction, a little fun....." Funnily enough, I still care for him and would gladly spend time with him again, I have just learned my lesson that he is not the type of friend I wanted him to be.

                                             

A couple weeks ago my son and I were walking in town and I could hear footsteps behind us that were clearly a woman's, but I had no reason to turn around. As my son and I were about to cross the road and I looked behind us to see if the traffic was clear, I glanced at the woman who was close behind us, the only other person walking on that side of the road and I noticed it was a "friend" who we have known for about 10 years. Well that was awkward! I am sure being so close to us and having no one else on the pavement she would have recognised us yet she did not say hello? She works in social services and her husband as well, her husband whom only very recently I wrote to asking to write a letter as character reference for my son's sentencing hearing. She must have seen us! Anyway, our friendship has been on the decline for years since we are clearly not on the same social sanding as they are. We are not successful, with happy families as they are. As I said, that was a very awkward, and brief, encounter.

To be a friend is to be loyal, non judgemental, caring, understanding, to battle out the hard times and also have fun with and most important someone who accepts you for who you are and you can be as free and open and crazy as you like without having to put on a mask that society often demands from us, to be able to talk without editing your words and know that it is safe to do so! Is that too much to ask?

                                                

Today I think some people are living this very superficial life full of social media and devices which seem to be physically attached to them at all times, lending to the inability to have a long attention span and sit and talk and actively listen for long periods of time. People who have hundreds of friends on Facebook, hundreds of followers on Twitter and Tumbler and take photos of their meals at restaurants instead of using their intellect and descriptive language to discuss with their real friends what they are eating and why it is so amazing, rather than posting a pic and tens upon tens upon tens of "friends" liking it!

These lyrics from the placebo song, "Too Many Friends" are spot on:

I got too many friends
Too many people that I'll never meet
And I'll never be there for
I'll never be there for
'Cause I'll never be there

Too many friends
Too many people that I'll never meet
And I'll never be there for
I'll never be there for
'Cause I'll never be there

I am lucky I suppose that I have not had too many friends in my life, and in particular in my youth, who tried to stray me onto rocky roads. Of course I succumbed to peer pressure as a young teenager and drank, smoked, tried some drugs, skipped school, shoplifted, even got into a proper fight at school because my "friends" were pushing me (literally) into it, for which I got a 3 day exclusion. Funny now, looking back on it all. However, I never had the type of "friends" that my son now has. The friends that help him when the chips are down because they give him pills or take him shoplifting for alcohol. The nice friends who share their drugs and gave him a place to crash at times, but also stole from him and tried to assault him, which on occasion they were successful at. The good friends who tell him that his mother over reacted and was "out of order" when I told him he will have to move out. The friends who have got him in trouble time and time again. They, according to my son, are his only friends
.
                             


Unfortunately, it is the truth when I say that my son has not been too lucky in the friend's department. He has not been able to socialise for many years now because of his drug use, his school exclusion, his isolation, his heavier drug use and eventually his criminality and homelessness. There has been one very good friend however, who has never really judged him and has always been there for him. It is a shame that my son does not see that. He sees this young man as being a middle class boy with everything handed to him and getting an easy life, therefore how could he possible understand where he is coming from. So he avoids this friend and the distance has grown very large now indeed. My son thinks that anyone who is not in his circle of users or homeless people are trying to change him and that the "real friends" are his friends because they accept him for who and what he is. Isn't that ironic? That is just how I described friendship a moment ago, someone who is non judgemental and accepts you for who you are! Funny though, that when drugs are in the equation, reality gets twisted. The people who are trying to help my son, aka "change" him, are actually being non judgemental about all that has happened over the years and accept that he is not his real self when he is in a narcotic haze, but we truly accept him for the wonderful yet troubled young man he is. A troubled young man who his true friends want to see get better. The people my son thinks are his "friends" at the moment are just as troubled and in the same, if not bigger, haze, and they are incapable of seeing beyond how they can benefit from connections with certain people.

My son and I are very similar in some areas, one of these areas is  that we are both very sensitive, emotional and deep thinking, with high expectations of those people who we will let into our hearts. I think my son and I both need someone to love us, love us now when things are not so good and still be there to love us when things are getting better. I have never had that, I hope my kids will one day!

Another great song that comes to mind is "Around Town" by The Kooks:

But all I need is somewhere to lay
Somewhere to lay my hat up
I need someone to love in the middle of the day
I want someone to be, and someone to drive around town
I need someone to love when the chips are down
Love me when the chips are down
Will you love me when the chips are down?
Love me when the chips are down
Could you love me when the world is crashing all around?

I have had some very happy moments these last few weeks with a friend, and there is nothing better then spending time with a person who really "gets" you and then smiling ear to ear later when you think of them and the time you have spent together. It is uplifting and feeds the soul with hope that the world really is as amazing as I grew up believing! I want this more than anything for my son as well, he needs to see that all the wonderful things his crazy mom was telling him about life, love and people are actually true! I want him to see the beauty of living, the delight in loving and the excitement the world has to offer...and you only need one very special friend to help you experience that.

I get worried though, that when I think I found a special friend that brings me happiness, worried that life will twist it's paths and make things go down the complicated road of people's confusion of what really is the right and the wrong thing to do. We can not fix those people who are damaged and have tried to damage us, we can not make the negative realities disappear by trying to do the right thing, because sometimes in so doing so you succeed to do more harm than good. I believe that the best we can do for ourselves and for our children and those near and dear to us is to hold on to the thing that makes us happy when and if we are lucky enough to find it. I have had so people like that in my life, now that there is someone who makes me happy, I do not want to lose him. We need to embrace it and if we are ever so lucky to find a friend that is truly our friend and who will love us when the chips are down, but also brings us intense happiness, we should hold on to that no matter what because at the end of the day that is showing the beauty of the world to others, that is sending out such positive energy that that will imprint and influence our children and our friends and our family much more than trying to do the right thing with out the love and passion and devotion behind our actions. I lived in a negative and controlling relationship devoid of friendship within the relationship as well as outside the relationship for too long and I regret that it had such a negative toll on all of our children, I will never make that mistake again.

Thinking about all the people who have let me down over the years, friends and family alike, they do certainly out number those people who have been a friend and a true family member, but they have only highlighted to me what true friendship is and I am so happy to have experienced some wonderful displays of friendship and support over the years! Each time someone lets me down, I will try my best to no longer be negative and sad, I will take it as a reminder that it is those who are here for me, that they are indeed the ones who I should focus on. So many times people fade away because they are too busy with work or family or a new relationship, but then there are those friends who are just as busy but go out of their way to make an hour or two for you when you need it, or they need it,  or sometimes just for fun because it has been too long since we laughed together!

                                 

I hope that my children and I all find some wonderful people to share life with, I just hope they do not have to wait as long as I have been waiting and am still wanting! I sincerely hope that those of you who are reading this blog post have 1 or 2 good and special friends, because we do not need too many "friends", as most parents have told their children at some point, I am sure! Appreciate those who are close to you and have a lovely day in this amazingly beautiful world, even if it comes with so much hardship and sadness, look for the beauty!

Catching Up

Life has gotten crazy and hectic and I have not written for a long, long time! I feel somewhat guilty that life was so overwhelming that I have not been on blogger or Google + for so many weeks, so much so that I am hesitant to look at all the many notifications waiting my responses! So the first matter of hand is to apologise for my neglect. I am especially ashamed at a fellow writer was waiting for my contribution to her exciting forthcoming book, which I was so excited about as well, then my health got in the way.

For now the main objective of mine is to briefly mention what sort of issues has predominated my life and resulted in my MIA! Then hopefully the following days will allow me time to go into more in-depth thought and discussions about each of the issues.

                             

Firstly, as I mentioned the reason that I let my friend down in regard to contributing to her upcoming book, was due to my health. I have lived with ulcerative colitis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ulcerative_colitis) all my life with different levels and periods of remission and flair ups. I have annual colonoscopies which include a large number of biopsies which are looking for precancerous cells. This last colonoscopy showed that my condition has worsened over the last year, despite me not feeling worse! I did however become more ill after the test, probably because the preparation of the exam irritated my colon. The biopsies are not back yet, so I hope that they will come back negative. In the meantime I need to decide whether or not to follow my consultants advise and start taking immune suppressant drugs. I am not too keen on the idea to be honest.

As far as my son's court case, it is still unresolved and unfortunately I have been called as a witness by the prosecution. This is very upsetting for both my son and I. It is also very upsetting that the next court date on June 9th will more than likely be nothing more than a few words said and another date set, as I was told that I do not need to attend that date. This seems to indicate that the matter will not be resolved for quite some time yet, giving us no sense of closure or accepting the consequences because my son, and I as well, feel as if we are in limbo until we know the outcome and what the future holds for him.

My son also had a breakdown, drug induced psychosis, delirium from alcohol...whatever you want to call it or blame it on, the  result was my son being put in a secured mental health hospital for 11 days. It was a terrible experience to witness him while lost in a world of his hallucinations and paranoia.

While all this was going on I also had a German exchange student staying with us for 10 days and 3 days after she went home, my daughter went to Germany for 10 days!

Things are settling down. I need to start organising my thoughts and time now. I hope to reconnect with all my regular readers as well as catch up on what has been going on with everyone else!

Being a Parent

Feeling the need to vent and talk about parenting.

As you know if you have read my posts before,  my ex husband and father of all my three children, is not a very devoted father, to say the least.  Unfortunately parenting can be a risk taking venture as many of us do not know what kind of a parent we will be until we are one. Sometimes we do not have much in the way of a parental instinct when it comes to children and then we hope,  as if by magic, when we become a parent we will go through a "change" and our wonderful parenting instincts will be "switched" on. Other times we have analysed our own upbringing so much and vow not to make the same mistakes and be more like the parents we wished we had, yet sometimes all those good intentions are some how lost when we are parents and we unconsciously keep repeating the bad parenting patterns we had to suffer as children.  Sometimes we assume that becoming a parent will help a relationship or bring us much happiness in our otherwise unhappy lives. We may even think that we want children more than anything and when it becomes a reality, we find out that somehow we were wrong and we just do not have the "knack" for being parents. Others accept their responsibilities of being a parent, receive their children's unconditional love with an open heart and tap into their primitive instincts that we now have a young child who needs our protection and caring more than anything else, and try our damnedest to be the best parent we can be.



Though I have been trying very hard to "let go" of the negative feelings that I still have towards my ex husband, I have somehow, inadvertently, fed my children (especially my our) false hope about their father. I still mention to my son that he has a father as well and he should ask him for help at times too. Not intentionally realising until now that all I have been doing is setting him up for disappointment. The last time I mentioned such an idea to my son, I heard his reply with clarity and knew I needed to stop. When I said, "....he is your parent too" my son replied, "Well, yes and no. He is because he is genetically my father, but he is not a parent." End of discussion and those words  cut through my illusions that someday being a father will "change" this man and he will in fact start having fatherly feelings and following through on them. The next few reminders of that have just highlighted it more to me.

I have been trying to help my son by taking him grocery shopping as regularly as I can, not a full big shop, but enough to know he is eating. I have been doing this while his benefit money from the government stopped and he was waiting for a new claim and I knew he had no money. I would also try to get him a bite to eat whenever I could, even if it was just from the local chip shop. So one afternoon while on the phone to my son, he asked if I can call him back because his father was there putting together a small dresser for him, I was pleased and impressed by this sudden change. The next time I was with my son and we were in the store buying him some bits and pieces, I reverted back to my old tactics and made the comment that I am very low on money and have other kids too to take care of and maybe his father could help him out sometimes. I then asked him about the other day, asking if after they put together the drawers if his dad took him out for a bite to eat. Nope. Oh, well did he get you some shopping? Nope. I was doing it again and I did not want to! Then my son says, "Oh yeah, he did bring me some stuff". Oh ok, I asked what kind of stuff. Now brace yourselves for the answer! "Oh Dad brought me some out of date food he said he found". WHAT? Found? Found where? In the street? "No, he said he found them in the back of his cupboards". Well I was shocked but had to keep asking! What kind of food, I wanted to know and how out of date and did my son actually eat them? OK, so this next remark made me feel so sad and so disgusted at this man who obviously is little more than his genetic father...."It's ok, it didn't all taste bad". I then held my tongue and said no more!

                                               

Next time we spoke my son said he also got some old spices that his father was clearing out! I asked myself, what is this guy up to? Is he moving house or something and getting rid off his junk by giving them to his son? Even our son thought it a bit odd because he does not see his father as the type to merely be doing a spring cleaning. More to the point though is that regardless why he is clearing out old stuff, do not give that to your child! Go to the supermarket and buy him some inexpensive, but fresh food!

I heard my son's words echoing in my head, "He is and he isn't....his is not a parent".

                        

The next time I was reminded of the truth of my son's statement was after his sisters saw their father a few days ago, not having seen them since January! It was the usual set up, movie and a quick lunch, a 3 hour visit more or less as always. The girls would walk down to the corner and there they would meet their dad and come home the same way. When they returned they had a bag of stuff with them. They were not sure what was inside. We all sat down on the floor and tipped out the bag. Two small Easter eggs, OK, yes it is Easter soon. The rest, well we were all dumbfounded about. A little money bag full of used hair clips, an old die, a couple of school whistles, a couple of white board pens thrown in, an old bubbles with half missing, some dried out paint.....Ok...well most of it when to the garbage. What was that about?

The icing on my slice of reality was when I asked my older daughter if she spoke to her father about her upcoming exchange visit. I asked because, one I had sent him a txt and two because I ask her to! My txt was simple, reminding him of her upcoming exchange and if there is anything he can do to support her in her exchange. Now you need to realise that we will be housing a German girl for 10 days in our home, feeding her 3 meals a day, making sure she has a comfortable room to sleep in, entertaining her over a 3 day day weekend, as well as paying for her travel to and from school while here. Then in May our children will go to Germany and stay in their partner's home with the same care given. The cost of the trip is over £300, but of course that does not cover the additional cost of extra outgoings to feed and entertain them. Also before our children go, especially true for my daughter, she will need some new clothes as here she wears a school uniform and does not have that much in the way of casual clothes which she will need there. I think it would be fair to say then that the entire cost is more like £600. The school expects 3 payments to cover the cost of travel, however I was unable to do that financially but really wanted my daughter to go. I spoke to the school and we agreed to monthly payments over a 6 month period, which I am now one month behind.

I was bemused when my daughter told me that her father did give her a contribution to help with her exchange, he gave her £20! I had no choice but to laugh! WOW, £20! Nice one, that may buy them a fast food lunch on the weekend! I never know when to leave bad enough alone, so I asked, "Well then, did your father at least offer to take you guys out somewhere on one of the days over the long weekend?". Stupid question! Stop hoping and waiting for this man to somehow turn into a parent!

So, I know that all these kids have is me. I need to be strong and clever and somehow manage it all. Actually, I guess I have been doing that for a long time already,  so I just have to keep it up!

I hope that my son will learn to get rid of his sorrows by being let down by his dad and then he can start to tackle the problem of how his addiction stemmed from trying to fill a void and ease the sadness. I hope for all my children to be able to one day live full and meaningful lives with love and friendship and that the lack of their father's support will not be a painful part of who they have become. Do not let that make them who they are, let them find so much goodness in life that it is not an issue, and I must learn to do the same. In the meantime I am trying to be the best parent and person that I can be.


         

Lucky Me!

A few weeks ago, on the eve of our Mother's Day in the UK, I contemplated relationships in my post

 http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/friends-familyforever.html

and concluded that as a mother, my love for my children will be one thing that will last forever.

I thought that I would share with you all what a wonderful Mother's Day I had, the first one in a very long time!

My daughters came up with an amazing Mother's Day menu, which they shopped for and prepared themselves. I was treated to breakfast in bed, and I mean, real breakfast! We are not talking about soggy cereal, burnt toast and cold coffee, I was treated to delicious blueberry pancakes (made from scratch), fresh fruit (mango and pomegranate) and fresh brewed coffee!

After stuffing myself, they brought me up my laptop and told me to relax while they cleaned up! I then received a call from my son wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and said he hoped that his sisters did something nice, because I deserve it! He asked if it would be ok to drop by a card to me later. Full and content, I decided to have a nap!

Later I snuggled on the sofa with my youngest daughter (age 9) watching a film, "Oz, the Great and Powerful" and really enjoyed it with her. All the while, my other daughter was busy in the kitchen preparing my Mother's Day lunch. When she came in with a plate for me I was so amazed at what she created! My lunch was mini puff pastry quiches and a spinach and tomatoes salad!!!! I dug right in and was in food heaven! I had seconds, and thirds!! It was so exceptionally good, I was so proud of my daughter's talented cooking as well as so proud that they had both put in so much time and thought and effort into making me a special day! Lunch was followed by yummy chocolate dominoes, which were consumed before a picture could be taken!

As my girls cleaned up, I was told to relax some more and later my son came to visit. Though my older daughter is still uncomfortable with her brother, and indeed still does not want to see him, she was ok with it and just went up to her room. My younger daughter decided to stay and sit around the kitchen table with her brother and me and it was all very "normal". It was a short visit, but a very comfortable one. My son was not over intoxicated, though I am sure he had a smoke and a drink earlier in the day, he was lucid and behaved himself. He gave me a card and on the envelope it said, "To my brilliant mum". Inside was this most meaningful message:

"Happy Mother's Day to the best mum in the world!! Thank you for being so brilliant, helping me lots and just being around. Hope you've had a lovely day and that the girls did something nice, you deserve a treat. Love you lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox"

You can imagine how powerful his handwritten words to me were! This is the first time in years that my son has given me a card and with such poignant words as well, I was moved beyond words.

I dropped  my son back at his flat so he did not have to make the 45 minute walk, especially since it would become colder and darker during his walk. When I returned home, I had a card from my youngest and chocolates from both of my girls. My youngest daughter wrote this in her handmade card:

"Dear Mummy,
I love you lots and lots! I love you more and more each day! Have a great day. DON'T DO ANY WORK. Well, except make dinner. Ha ha ha. Happy Mother's Day. I love you and all your family does!"

My love for these children will definitely stand the test of time as well as the test of all that life has been giving us. After that most special Mother's Day, I know that their love for me will also last and withstand all the trials and tribulations.

I am one lucky woman, even though my family my not be traditional and far from perfect, even though my children and I have suffered and are still trying to recover, even though my son is a drug addict, I am still one hell of a lucky woman!