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Tuesday, 23 July 2013

The Letter

A letter I have written to my son in hopes he will "hear" my words better when they are not spoken but read in his own time and space:




Dear Son,

It seems very hard for you and I to speak these days, so I thought I would write you a letter.

I am sorry you are feeling that I have not been as tolerant and supportive as you would like during this difficult period in your life. I urge you to look at the whole/big picture and not just the recent weeks and months. It you take the time to reflect over the whole of your life honestly, maybe you will see that I have always been there for you, always loved you, always tried (above and beyond at times) to help you. Try to remember the nice times, the fun times...can you remember? I hope so, I can.

It may be hard for you to think that I have been supportive this past year, especially these last few months, but I have. I have been supportive by trying to get you help. I have been supportive by trying to keep you at home. I have been supportive by giving you time and space. I have been supportive by helping you to get to appointments (until I felt you needed to start taking on that responsibility for yourself). I have been supportive by loving you so much that I have kept waiting and hanging on and putting up with so much because I am hoping that one day I will get my true son back. The son that I know is still in there. The son that I have raised and love with all my heart.

But, now here comes the BUT....

I see that things are not improving and we are all stuck in a miserable state of limbo. I see that your state of mind is getting worse. Your anger is getting worse and emotionally things to be getting bleaker. I am not helping you if I keep things the way they are. If I buy you the things you want, if I allow you to act the way you want without a word said, allow you to self medicate etc.. If I allow to you to hide away within these walls and take no responsibility for your life or your actions and for you to accept those consequences....nothing will improve and it would be no help to you.

On the same token, if I try to keep my current position strong and refuse to buy for you, give you money, wake you up, cook/clean/wash for you on demand without your own participation or responsibility for your own self; if you sleep all day missing out on daily life and stay up all night in isolation...and if I keep telling you NO and DON'T, and so on, the arguments increase. The anger and frustration increases and unfortunately, your aggressive angry behaviour also increases making it harder for me to show you any positive feelings or actions. So, while I stand firm on not approving of your "lifestyle" and behaviour, this makes you more resistant and angry; therefore, this is not helping you or working for any of us.

Also, whether you like it or not, I do have two other children, you have two younger sisters. Their lives, emotional well being, upbringing, role models etc all concern me. The way things are at the moment may be very damaging to them in the long run. In the short run, life is not good or fun or comforting for them, for me nor for you.

Reflect upon your behaviour. Your language. Your mood. Your lifestyle. The messages you are sending.

I have no choice now but to urge you into rehab or to ask you to leave. Weeks and weeks go by without any discussion or steps forward. Its not all about what I want, I am asking you to get on board now and start thinking of helping yourself. I ask you to seriously consider this and for a decision to be made within a week's time. After that another week to put that decision into action, i.e. prepare to move out or get the ball rolling to get signed into a rehab.

I hope you make the right decision, but no one can make you go into rehab. You must WANT it. You need to want and believe it can help you on many levels in becoming better, happier.

Regardless of what you choose, I will always be here. I will welcome you home with open arms if you come out of rehab or if you have been out on your own and realise it is not the life you want. It is scary, I know, and I hope you find the courage and strength to do this. I believe deep down that you do want to live a happier life. You have me and you have a great friend too and we both believe in you!

We can't go on like this and I can not, will not, tolerate the treatment you are increasingly giving me. I am sorry if this is all hard to accept and take in. I do love you and I want a healthier, happier, stronger son to come back to me. A son who is ready to embrace life and create a life worth living.

I love you, always!
Mom xxxxxxxxxx