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Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Blurred Days

I have not written since Thursday, 5 days of not writing, thinking back on what has happened these past days I feel it is a blur. Not because we have been busy, not because things have become crazy, but just because the days seem to be day same, over and over again. A little change here and there, sometimes a little better, sometimes a little worse, but generally the same...for days, weeks, months.

So trying to remember, Thursday, missed appointments. Friday no more prescription for Methadone. Weekend is approaching. Shit! Try my best to get my son awake and out of bed Friday, stressing that he needs to phone clinic and get a prescription or he will be suffering over the weekend. We will all be suffering over the weekend if he will be in withdrawals and angry about it. I don't want that, for any of us.

No good. He wakes up around 5 pm and hey, surprise surprise, the clinic is closed! Will be till Monday. I urge him to go to the pharmacy anyway and see what they can do. He does and says that they told him of an out of hours clinic he can go to Saturday morning to get a prescription to see him through the weekend. He says I have to drive him there Saturday, I said that he can go on the bus, it is not my responsibility and I am not going to take away from spending time with my daughters while I attend to his needs. An argument must has ensued, but I no longer remember.

Suffice it to say the same old, same old happens Friday. My son self medicates with various other drugs. He does not go to bed. We find him dead to the world on the sofa when we wake up Saturday morning. We try our best to carry on with our Saturday and I try to wake him up and urge him to go get his prescription. He does not do we carry on. Later, he blames me.

Saturday mid day I get a phone call from my son's good and reliable friend, he says he tried to ring him but no answer and wants to invite him around for dinner because he is cooking for a few friends that evening. We speak at length. This kind hearted, mature 18 year old tells me that I can not feel guilty if I end up putting my son out because I have done so much for him and that my other children are doing great, so I can not blame myself. He tells me that he will try to talk to my son again, saying his days are numbered and he can go to rehab or start doing something to make improvements, because NOTHING has been happening.

The weekend continued  pretty much as always. Sunday evening my son's friend pops around and we had a little mini intervention telling him what he needs to be doing and that he can not expect people to keep waiting patiently, when for all intents and purposes we have seen no further progression other than starting the substitute drug program a few months ago.

The two of them chat on their own for a while and make a little to do list for Monday, and my son's friend seems positive and optimistic and hopeful.

Monday...Tuesday...Nothing different. Same old story and it seems a blur of nothingness to me. Still no prescription, still not gone to seek help. Still no change. Only positive is that he did finally phone the clinic Tues for an appointment. Much to my son's dismay, he can't be seen till Friday! Oh well. You know, I do not feel sorry for him at all. I feel that it is his responsibility to attend appointments, make phone calls, get to the chemist etc and if he can't be bothered then why should the clinic drop everything and see him immediately just to accommodate him? Well they shouldn', we carry on our road to nowhere and I am getting tired of it...why isn't he????