Another week end has come and gone and things are still the same.
I have written out my home contract and my son read it over the weekend and said he wants to make some changes, so we will have to talk about it. I also want to write him a letter about my feelings, to make him understand that I love him, but things can not continue like this and sometimes parents have to make hard decisions. I need to him understand that if I did not love him, I would have sent him packing years ago and we would not be here now. I am urging him to seek help and go into rehab because I love him and I want him back, the real him back home. I am not insisting on rehab because I want to "get rid of him" like he seems to thinks.
While my son spent his weekend sleeping the day time hours away, I was busy with my youngest daughter who had her 1st "show" experience, dancing with her ballet school. Four shows in two days, with a total of 6 dances she performed in. I watched her yesterday with my other daughter and it was wonderful!
When she first came on stage my eyes welled up with tears. Tears of pride and joy turned into tears of sadness. Sad that her brother isn't here. Sad that she only has me and her sister, while there are so many grandparents and fathers and "complete" families watching. We are broken on so many levels but maybe she will be tough and strong, like I hope my other daughter will be and flourish despite her incomplete and dysfunctional family. My son seems to have have taken this cross as too much of a burden to bear.
I watch my precious little girl dance with such a big smile on her face and see her face glowing, she is truly enjoying herself. I think again of how her brother is missing this and I am reminded that two or three years ago when his other sister preformed with her school choir at London's Royal Albert Hall, he missed that as well. Things have been the same for him for years.
He is missing out on life....I must be a horrible mother to "allow" this to happen? To "watch" it happen. Wait, I look at my girls and think, "I must be doing something right"? What went wrong? How did this happen? I want to make it better!!!! The horrible struggle and frustration of a parent who is watching one child deteriorate and suffer while the other children need to be encouraged to LIVE, is a terrible experience. I know I do not have the ability to change things without my son's participation and if we are not "on the same page" then no one can change that...one of us needs to join the other and damn it, it should be me he is joining!
I might sound all high and mighty, but I am most certainly not, I want him to join my way of thinking because I want my son to LIVE! I want him to experience the world outside his room and his world of drugs and insecurities and fears. If I join his way of thinking then I would watch him slowly die without doing or saying anything...sometimes I feel that that is what I have been doing because my words to him have been powerless.
My little boy was so so precious to me. He LOVED life and was happy. I saw so much potential as did others. Slowly the sadness entered his face and the intelligence and potential was still there but the enthusiasm and motivation slowly started to disappear. I wish that when he was younger and the negative signs starting to show, I could have swooped him and his sisters up and took refuge with my family and started a new life. However life is never that simple or easy. I had no money, my mother was no longer living, I was not on the best terms with my father, who was busy with his life and his second family. Even if I could have gone to my sister, she was on the other side of the world and these things can not happen without money....maybe if my son manages to overcome his drug problem and live to be a family man, he might then understand why things were the way they were. He might then understand that I did do all I could do at the time given the resources I had or lack of!
Sometimes I wonder where his life will take him....and that is when my biggest fears scare me the most.....maybe his life will take him no where and his life will be short and end in suffering. Now that would be a cross I could not bear!!!!