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Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Blame

My son blames me (and everyone else actually) for everything, but he used to blame his dad. My ex husband blames me as well. I blame my ex husband for causing the emotional issues that led to the drug use and I blame myself for staying with my ex for so long as well as later enabling my son's drug use. We can all point the finger and place blame on ourselves or others, but to what end? Does it help the situation at hand? No, it most certainly does not. So lets let go of the the blame. IT IS NOT HELPING!



Still I can't help but try to figure out where all these complex emotions, the disruptive behaviour, the complicated issues and co dependent/dysfunctional interpersonal relationships started? Not so I can point the finger and place more blame, but so that I can understand and therefore maybe find a remedy. Is that possible?

I went through a period of resenting that all my "good" was for no good. I thought to myself, "I was nice. I was good. I was kind. I was giving. I was loving. I was fun. I was understanding. I was patient. So how come my children are not secure and confident and well adjusted?" It just didn't make any sense. While my son seemed to be hit the hardest by whatever was lacking or wrong, my daughter also has problems with confidence and is often unhappy. My youngest, well, it is hard to tell yet, but even she seems to be "unsatisfied". My son, of course plagues me the most, especially since, in my eyes, he had it the best when he was little, but then on the some token he had it the worst from his father.

I felt that my love wasn't good enough. All of what I was doing was not good enough.I sometimes thought, what is the point of being "nice"? Then I realised that even though I love with all my heart and try to be the best mom I can, I am human and I get frustrated and I have lots on my mind sometimes. I have many worries and get tired and impatient. I am not in control of the outside world and of other people. I am not apologising for myself because it is life and that is the way it is. I have still tried my best given everything else.



My son has been deeply hurt by things he has experienced in his life. I guess we all have to varying degrees and I am sorry he has experienced them. I can not be responsible how his experiences affected him psychologically. No one knows how things affect people, we are all unique individuals. I tried my best to help him as well as prevent those experiences continuing when I told his father to leave.

 At the end of the day, if I look at our lives with emotional detachment, I can not blame his father because I believe his father has many of his own demons and mental health issues as a result of his own emotionally and physically abusive childhood. My ex would probably say he did a good job as a father because he was never "as bad" as his parents. Of course it doesn't work like that and to our son the amount and kind of abusive he received from his father was bad enough regardless that his father or other people might have had it worse! Abusive is not relative, it is just abusive full stop. So than do I blame my ex husband, or do I try to understand the behaviour and the pattern and learn from it? I hope we can learn from it and I hope that one day my son faces his demons hopefully while he is still young. My ultimate hope is that my son receives treatment and therapy to enable him to grow and overcome his issues and addictions so that one day he can no longer feel the need to blame other and he can break the pattern. I hope that one day he can be the emotionally healthy and loving son/man/husband/father that I know he is more than capable of being.