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Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Needing to Vent

Today I have hit a new low, even though I know I should not feel ashamed.

I went to the charity food bank :-(

There are so many ramifications of our troubles at home and we are affected on so many levels. Though my son does not steal from me to buy his drugs on the scale that he used to (hundreds and hundreds of GBP were being taken taken out of my bank account regularly at one point, despite me constantly replacing bank cards and changing bank accounts) he somehow still got access to my details, though I don't know how since I have my bank cards on my body 24/7 and never, ever keep cash any more. His latest purchase of opium poppies were somehow bought by ME! He then says that I have to help him buy the pills he "needs". No way buddy, looks like I am closing my bank account!

It was also brought to my attention a while ago that I am using an incredible amount of electricity. Well, that is not surprising since my son's reversed sleep scheduled has him up ALL night, with lights on and tv and computer while the rest of us are asleep. Unbeknownst to me my electricity company decided to up my monthly payment from the agreed £50/month to a shocking £265/month. So when I went to get a few things in town, I could not. Luckily I checked my bank balance at the cash machine before going in and was in confusion as to why I only had £5 available when I was expecting over a £100. Now, since I had not a single coin on me I was in a predicament because the only way to leave the car park without paying (which I could not due to not having any cash on me) is to buy something in the supermarket and get your free parking voucher. The minimum purchase is £3. So I went in, got my £3 of fruit, which was next to nothing, and left the car park with no shopping and only £2 left in the bank!

Upon arriving home, I immediately phoned the electricity company which resulted in me crying and shouting to the representative on the other end of the phone. This was because after a lengthy discussion and review of my account and usage, the lowest she could get my bill down to was £165/month, but she was not able to refund me the £100 difference until July 24th because that is their policy and time restraints apply to refunding money back...blah, blah, blah.

 The next day in my session at Open Road Drug and Alcohol Centre, I told my worker all this and miracle upon miracles she said they could help with getting some food to feed us....thus, the visit to the food bank!

Then, the next day I get a letter in the post from a legal firm representing our mortgage company informing me of a court date to start proceedings of repossession of my property because of unpaid arrears arrears on the property.

I have been all consumed by the problems my son is having and all the things it involves. I have been unable to work and often have buried my head in the sand when it comes to all our other problems because, #1 this addiction and "abnormal" way we live our lives is my main priority, and  #2, dealing with #1 leaves me too drained to deal with anything else.

When my son started stealing from me I could never replace that money and he has never paid me back, so it has always had a knock on effect which I still feel even though that was a long time ago. I was not working then and I am still not. I want to but so much of my time has been spent on trying to resolve things with my family, yet other important matters have been ignored. It took me a year of researching, letter writing, appeals, meetings etc just to get my son back to back after his drug related school expulsion...but more on that another time!

My son refuses to go on unemployment benefit, he does not want to look for work or go to school or get training....Every appointment I have regarding job searches, training courses, benefits etc. I bring up my distraction and worries concerning my son and each and every time I am offered help for him yet when I go home and share with him that there is such a program or service and they could help him, he is not interested. Of course, I no longer get any benefits for him as my child because he is no longer a child, which also has had its impact.

All of these are the dominoes that keep knocking me down and every time I think I have managed to stand a domino back up again, 2 or 3 get knocked back down, The trail of those fallen down dominoes seems to be forever getting longer and longer.

Free rehab is available to him which would more than likely help get a few of those dominoes standing upright and tall again...yet he keeps refusing! So sad. Such a waste. So frustrating.