Time to Re-Focus

I have spent far too much time away from the cathartic experience of writing. Too much time being overwhelmed without an outlet. Too much time focusing on my own pursuit of happiness and ignoring all the other aspects of life that needed attending to. Too much time hiding. It is time to burst out of the layers of fear, depression, loneliness and dysfunction and try once again to focus on my children as well as my writing to help speak out about the crazy world of addiction, dysfunction and parenting!

While I have never given up on my children, and they have always been my priority, I wrongly believed that my happiness is also important to giving me strength and posing as a positive role model. I see that my focus was wrong, I should not have wasted any time hoping for my personal happiness. At the end of the day, the more I pursued my own happiness the more negative messages I sent my children about life and the fairness of how we get treated or mistreated.

                                     

I wanted to be loved and to be desired. I wanted my children to witness that there is such a thing as happiness between two people and there are good men in the world.  All I did was show them that their mother was hurt again. Their mother is emotionally weak because she gives all of herself yet gets very little in return. I showed them how I am willing to be disappointed and rejected time and time again. How much I cried and hurt, how much I hoped and prayed that this time he will show up and things will be different. My love life is irrelevant, it is non existent. I have never been in a loving relationship. I have never had a man who was truly in love with me and the two men I have loved never treated me the way I deserved. I have showed my children very bad examples. This is not even speaking of what messages I have ingrained in them that their mother married a man she was not in love with and stayed with despite all the emotional abuse and financial and personal control he ensued upon us all. I have shown them a mother who has always felt sad and unloved and always dreamed of a happily ever after that is just not in my destiny. I should accept that. Instead I should be showing my children that I am strong and do not need anyone in my life to make me happy or motivate me or help me, I should have shown them all these years that I am capable of creating my own happiness and creating a life worth living; however, I must first believe that myself.

                                               

     

I met a man who saw us all for what we were. He saw that all first before we developed our friendship. He offered his support in the chaotic lives of an addict and that of his mother and sisters. He wanted to be there for my son and lend a helping hand as it is his profession and he had connections. He wanted to help us with things that I could not afford or do by myself, such as repairs. He spent time with us all and unfortunately all my children liked him, so much, and my son actually said he would like it if we "got together". My youngest daughter thought he was wonderful and acted so relaxed around him. Even my middle daughter, the one who seems the most suspicious of relationships, love, men, etc, thought he was "a nice guy". He knew our pasts, our faults, our vulnerabilities, way before we become lovers. It was so easy, so right. Then things became complicated as his issues, his fears, his immaturity and his own insecurities and selfishness came into the equation. He no longer helped with repairs. He no longer came around as often as he did before. He no longer tried to help my son. There were many broken promises. Months of playing me like a yo-yo and of me being an emotional roller-coaster were seen by my daughters.. It has only reinforced everything negative that my kids already thought of people and I am sure they were only more disappointed in their mother's foolish, girlish romantic dreams of happiness. Instead of making my children believe that they are the most important things in my happiness, I showed them I was not happy enough unless I was loved by a man as well. STUPID! Seven years of no social life, no dating, no relationship, after years of a loveless and lonely marriage; in all those years I only focused on my children. What a mistake to think otherwise.

                                         

I can not even imagine how many confused and wrong messages I have unintentionally been sending my children that will only add to their dysfunctional beliefs in their already messed up existence.

My son in the meantime has been in the mental health inpatient ward for 6 weeks, is being evicted from his supported housing accommodation, been rejected help from all the other supported housing, slipped back into drugs and been arrested again for possession with intent to supply. I am trying all I can to help and assist him, but my first reaction to many of these dramas was "I wish I had my friend in my life to talk to about all this", he was my first go to for support and advice. My ex husband has rejected his son once again when he was told that he is "unable" to help if his son is made homeless. My son's grandparents have also said the same thing, but with the additional, "I am sure everything will work out" and gave him socks!!!

                                               

My house is falling apart and without my friend's promises to be here for me forever and help me repair all the damage that is still in my home from when my son lived here and had drug induced rages (now a constant reminder and I wanted them repaired for emotional healing more than for aesthetic reasons). I have a room that is closed off because the roof is rotting and therefore creating damp and mold in side the room. My "friend" was going to replace that roof for me in January! The fence is falling down, my side gate is broken (the gate was another thing he was going to help me with). So since the big problems can not be addressed, I have stopped maintaining the house all together. Another negative message that I am telling my children. Surely I should want their health and happiness to drive me to  maintain my house for their happiness?

So now I will have to push myself to help my children, focus on them, focus on their surroundings, the messages I am sending them on their lives and futures so that they can have the best foundation and emotional health to start their own lives on their own. My own personal life is no longer an issue, I have learnt that very painfully. As hard as it will be because my own motivation and belief system is not as it should be.

                                                 

Focus!
I will write my blog to cleanse me and energize me. I will write my blog to organize my thoughts and emotions. I will write my blog to offer support and empathy to others in similar situations.

Focus!
I will begin writing letters and emails and kick up as much as fuss as possible until I get my son housed. I will try all I can to seek help and advice and motivate him to do all he can to stop him from going to prison for his last arrest. I will love him and fill him with hope for HIS future.

Focus!
I will try to encourage my daughter as she studies for her GCSE exams and praise her and encourage her to be all that she can be. No matter what my life's disappointments and failures, my inability to provide, that should not stop her from future education and she should travel and go to university and pursue her dreams.

Focus!
My youngest is still an adorable little girl, who I have discovered lacks confidence and feels bad about herself. I will focus on her as well as she is the one who gets lost and neglected with all the other dramas that go on in our lives. I will spend more time with her, listen to her, play with her and love her and tell her how amazing she is to build her up rather than have all my failed attempts at life and happiness teach her that life is pointless.

Their lives are not pointless, so I will re focus on them and forget about me because my time has come and gone and I blew it...end of story...but their stories are just beginning.

Next post....I will focus once again on my son's journey through addiction.

Life....It's All Happening!

There are times in life when there is too much. Too much to think about, too much to deal with, too much to sort out, too much to figure out. There are also times when all of that needs to be ignored and we must pretend everything is ok, everything is manageable. Everything is "normal". I have been trying to pretend such a normal existence for the last 8 weeks while we hosted a 14 year old exchange student from Germany. I have dealt with many things, silently, I have become a bit lost in my thoughts and fell wayward from expressing myself through the written word. It now feels foreign and more challenging. Challenging to express all that has been locked inside of me, challenging to organise the events and thoughts and experiences of the past 2 months. Challenging to find the flow that I use to embrace as it helped heal and support me.

There has been hospitalizations and court dates for my son, as well as teenage sleepovers and children's ballet performances. There has been tears and laughter, love and loneliness, giggles and depression, drugs and alcohol, worry and comfort as well as hope and dread!

We have experienced my home slowly deteriorating with faulty showers, leaking roofs, draughty damp windows as well as a roof threatening to cave in and that particular room turning into a room decorated by a variety of mould! We have still managed to entertain and house a student while I fed her well and cared for her and befriended her. I had to deal with my son's deteriorating emotional health, threatened mental break down, the lack of support of the mental health team, resorting to more drugs and wanting to revert back to the near comatose drug induced state that he longs for, while still trying to maintain his probation requirements and keeping in line with his supported housing accommodation rules. On the latter two requirements, I have seen that too deteriorate and he is in breach of his parole and his accommodation is under threat of eviction.

I have tried to juggle money so that our student does not have to experience going without electricity or gas, and that she would eat and drink well and not live on rice for days on end as we have done, but at the same time I also tried to help my son so that he too would not go hungry, though many times I have to be strong and remind him he is an adult and he gets money that he needs to be able to manage.

As time went on though, my veil of pretence to be "normal", slowly started  to falter. As this happened and our student was trusted with more and more of our reality, the tears in her pretence also came out. She had self harmed a few times and was dealing with her own problems. She witnessed my daughter slipping back deeper and deeper into depression. Luckily, we all understood each other and we managed to listen and comfort each other and take solace in the fact that everyone has problems.

I have tried to be positive and embrace what is positive and for the most part I have done just that. I accept that what little time I have with the ones I love is important and I am grateful for that. I am grateful each time I speak to my son and that he is still alive and still lucid. I am grateful for the days that my middle daughter seems to be a little more cheerful and is not lethargic and anti social and depressed. I am grateful that my youngest daughter still embraces childhood and is in no hurry to grow up. I am grateful that a special man did remind me that I am desirable and also intellectually stimulating and that we have maintained our friendship of 2 years though we have become more complexly involved with each other over the last 6 months. I do not agree with his choices based on co dependency and guilt, but it is not my place to judge and instead I am happy for having known him at all. I am grateful that another man I care for has also resumed contact with me. I am grateful that at last all the negative damage my ex husband did to my psyche is starting to leave me. I hope that the more destructive emotional damage he caused our 2 older children will one day start to leave them as well and they too can start to believe in themselves as I have started to believe in myself. I am grateful that I have found enough confidence to become a member of The Children Society charity as a volunteer and I will put all the knowledge I have gained through the years of my son's drug use to some use.

I am trying to also put my story and my writing and my family's experience to some good use to others as well as helping my family with looking for ways to publish and earn money as well. I have been unsuccessful with the Huffington post, no response, but I will keep trying. The Fix would like to publish more posts from me, but not for monetary reward. However, if I write for The Fix, I can not publish the post on my blog for a month after their publication. Also if any of my readers would like to pass on my blog to anyone who might be interested or indeed even any publishers, please pass it on, and if you are so inclined to click ads on my blog, than I would be grateful. I need to provide a better lifestyle for my family and teach them that you should never give up and that you should never be ashamed to try!

I hope that my next post will be able to concentrate on one issue or go deeper into a topic, and that I will be able to return to a more regular and productive writing rhythm once again!

Hospital, Again | The Fix

I am so excited about this!!!

Hospital, Again | The Fix

One of my posts have been published on the excellent Addiction Website "The Fix". I am very proud that my painful story may actually be heard by many more people and I may touch some lives!

Thinking Of You....Out there!

So, I wonder who reads this blog and what do they think? I am fortunate to be able to see that people do read it! I have also had quite a few great comments, usually by a few of my loyal followers. I was wondering though, if there are other readers out there who can share with me their thoughts and their insights and perhaps even their own stories and viewpoints. It would be great to hear from you.

                                               

I can see on the statistically breakdown that my blog is read in many countries,from every continent, which I find so exciting and fascinating! I wonder how do those readers find the blog and do you use the translation and if so how useful of a tool is the translation? I am so fascinated by you guys out there! What are your impressions?

I write these entries in solitude in my living room, usually while my younger children are not here and my only company is my very affectionate and devoted pet cat Shadow! How amazing though is it to know that once I hit the "publish" key, people I have no clue about will be privy to my most innermost thoughts, fears and experiences!? I love that about this blog!

                                              


So please continue to read and if you haven't already, feel free to comment. Also if you know anyone who might be interested in reading my humble story of how my family has dealt with a variety of issues that relate to drug addiction please pass it on! I think my blog also speaks to others out there who might not have had a problem with addiction (whether their own or a loved one's), I think it also speaks to people who may battle with insecurities, depression, and question their decisions and their lives. It might speak to parents who have battles with their children, be they drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, exclusion....the list is endless.

So this is just a little hello to everyone reading and a BIG thank you! Comment and/or share, I am so grateful to you all! Have a great day!

                                     
                           

Why I Blog?

The last few days I have been wondering why am I writing this Blog? Is it because I feel sorry for myself and desire sympathetic comments? No, not really. Is it because I am being self righteous and want everyone to believe that I am the perfect parent who has been given a raw deal? Absurdity! Is it because I want to portray addicts as bad people who have nobody but themselves to blame? Absolutely not. Do I want to preach? No I do not. Do I want to feel like I am the victim of my son's addiction and mental issues. No, I think we are all victims but also we are trying to find solutions to put an end to that.



Do I enjoy writing and need a productive outlet for the unbelievable amount of perplexing and intense emotions I am being overloaded with? Absolutely, I need a way to organise my thoughts and life events in order to stay focused and sane. Am I writing to let parents know that any one can become an addict and we are not alone. I need a way to vent and ask questions as well, since I do not have others in my life who can identify with our plight. I do not attend ant AL-ANON meetings because the timing of those meetings do not suit me, so here I can achieve similar support. I wanted to start the blog also in the hopes of getting advise or hearing other people's stories on how addiction affected them or their family. Ultimately, as corny as it sounds, I started writing this blog to help myself, maybe help others and hopefully find a way to help my son.



I do not think their is any preaching or victimising going on here. I do not think that I am ignorant or conservative with regard to drugs and addictions.  I most certainly do not think I am the  perfect parent, there is no such thing. Do I think my son is a horrible human being and I would be better off without him? Well, I hope my pain is evident that that is certainly not so.

When I said earlier that I was hoping to get advice and support, I wasn't only hoping for comments from people living or have lived with an addict, I was also hoping and wanting to hear from addicts and hear their views. One thing that my son accuses me of is true, I do not understand what it feels like to be an addict. This may be very obvious for addicts who may have read my blog and I do not mean to be upsetting in any of my remarks. However, one of the things that my son also does not understand is what it feels like to be a parent of an addict, especially such a young addict and being an observer to his downward spiral right before my eyes. The fact that he was my pride and joy and I never had a bad thing to say about him, I adored him and he was such a loving and giving and happy boy and now I feel he is lost, as I am sure he feels he himself is lost, is a pain my son can not understand at the moment. Though at the moment my son's world revolves around his addiction he does also not understand that I can no longer have my world revolve around him, I have two younger daughters aged 13 and 8 who need me and who also deserve to be living in a more nurturing and happy environment than the one they are living in now. Ironically the more I try to explain this to my son, the more rejected he feels and the more hated he feels from us all.



Perhaps I do not write a very positive  blog. Perhaps I do not offer information backed up by facts, research and statistics. One thing I do offer though is my honesty, my raw emotions, my day to day upheavals as well as informative aspects that we have learned first hand (i.e. the importance of good male role models and their absence, how abusive and addictive behaviour patterns are repeated within families, how any substance can be obtained over the internet, how to make opium after buying poppy pods etc.).

I am writing my blog as my children and I are living this horrendous life of addiction and one day I hope I can write on how we overcame addiction. While I was pondering why I write, I was also wondering if I should continue. I will continue, so in the meantime, I write as life happens and at the moment it is a roller-coaster ride! Please bear with me and keep your comments coming because I appreciate all of them!