Time to Reflect

Recently I have been thinking of the ways families are damaged while witnessing and living in an addict. There is no doubt in my mind that we have been damaged and need our own recovery just as much as my son needs to find his own time to stop using and start recovering.

                                           

However, since "my drug abusing teenager" no longer lives with us in the family home, I decided to not only investigate on the damage, but to reflect back on how our lives have changed for the positive in the last 10 months.

Occasionally I have mentioned that while being with my son I have had thoughts about how glad I am that I do not need to see or hear certain things 24/7, but surely there has been other positive changes in our lives?

It is quite a challenge when all of a sudden you are allowed to live your life the way you want. You can not just flip a switch and start "living" your life because a negative contributing factor has been taken out of your home! I did feel some positives fairly quickly. A much quieter and calmer household was always going to be the case, and it was.

                                                

Before we could move on though we needed to actually get use to the idea that my son was no longer living at home. Also the initial transition period was made more difficult since he left home just before Christmas and that he was not going to be spending the holidays at home.

Once the first month or so was over, then I think that my daughters and I started to feel that the change had actually happened. We decided to have a meeting and talked about what sort of things we would like to see be reinstated in our normal routines, (such as meals taken at the table once again) to things we would like to try doing (more friends coming over).

So the first and easiest was indeed the simple pleasure of eating around the table again. Eating without fear and dread that an argument would soon ensue, eating at regular times and not while sat in front of the tv in the attempt to reduce tensions. The girls had fun creating weekly menus and having choices and looking forward to dinners again.

Also in an attempt to restore normality, my daughters were given daily chores which they initially "liked", but that did in fact help develop a feeling of unity and working together, which we had most definitely lost.

While my son was at home and over the years as his addiction grew and his behaviours worsened, our family felt more and more isolated. We no longer felt "safe" in having friends over, we were all anxious and often fearful at home so of course having visitors was not an option. Actually before we stopped having friends around, there were those unfortunate occasions in which we still did have friends over but then my son would snap and react badly and thus leave our visitors feeling very tense and awkward and unwelcome.

Having freedom along with a much happier atmosphere in the home has allowed us to invite the children's friends over more often which has been a very positive change in their lives. Actually at the moment my middle daughter is involved in a 2 month study exchange and we are currently hosting a German girl for 2 months before my daughter goes to Frankfurt for 2 months. This would have never ever been an option while my son was here. There would be no way to try have been able to "act" normal for that long of a time! The exchange program has been a good aspect of my children's education, but this time my daughter was specially chosen to do a special long term exchange based on her language ability and her maturity level. I am so proud of her and I am so relieved that we are now in a position to accept such an opportunity for her. We are now starting our third week of having this lovely young German girl living with us, and it has proven to be the best medicine for my middle daughter. She is happier and more active and more sociable now and I am so very happy to be witnessing this transformation within her. I can only hope the positive impact and change will last even when the exchange is over and she no longer has a live-in bestie to make life more cheerful.

                                                                                                                                                                                     
 
So the home is calmer and more relaxed and definitely has an improved atmosphere which has enabled us as a family to enjoy family meals together again (with every one's input to what meals we will have) as well as working together as a family unit with everyone's responsibilities and chores. This has allowed us to be in a happier place to renew friendships and start becoming more sociable again (even some overnight visitors, which could not have been possible in the chaotic and controlling atmosphere my son created while here).

It is also a great sense of freedom to me that I do not need to justify my whereabouts and be phoned regularly about where I am and when am I coming home. I can openly leave money laying about and no longer have to hide my bank card and be caught out when I pop to the shop and release that my card is still under my pillow! I can leave my phone on the table while I go upstairs or leave my computer open, no longer worrying that my son will access my accounts or do his own dealings on the internet. I can put my bottles of wine and spirits out without waking up to empty bottle or denying myself because of the fear it would "discovered". What a sense of relief and a sense of openness and honesty that has become part of my life once again!

I have also realised that due to all the problems that our family has had over the last few years regarding drug and alcohol and domestic issues, I have actually started becoming much more confident when it comes to meeting people and expressing myself and finding ways for myself to have an outlet. Thinking about it, the amount of people I have had to speak to, going to court, going to children in need meetings, joining a support group, attending appointments, etc has helped me tremendously. I am much more at ease when it comes to having to go out and do things and have my voice heard! How weird is that? All the amount of talking I have had to do, talking about our problems, has actually been quite empowering for me. I have slowly become more confident within myself and hopefully this is the beginning of also being able to gain control over my life and start to do more empowering things for myself and my children.

I have been on various training days, applying myself to different volunteering opportunities and going to parties, having a friend over from time to time and just being more of my true self has been very good for me, even if the transition is slow, I feel it is slow but steady.

I am back in control of my life and that is not only a big change abut a big responsibility as well, but mostly it is a hugely positive element in my life that I am still learning to embrace. My son did control use and me and now he can no longer control our every moment and my every decision. Of course since he is still in my life and he has called upon me several times for help, I am much more in control but sometimes I do find myself in situations in which he is edging his control back, but I am learning how to deal with those situations.

                                              

My youngest daughter seems to be slowly letting go of her confusion regarding her brother because she is starting to let go of her anger and frustrations. My middle daughter has deeper issues regarding the past and her brother, but I am hoping that slowly and steadily she too will start to feel empowered to create the life she wants and learn that it is ok to let go of her anger.

Once our lives become even more positive I hope to be able to reach a point where we may actually begin considering reintroducing my son into our lives so I do not need to juggle and separate my life and my children. How wonderful it will be if in a few years we can actually all eat a meal together in peace and because we are all wanting to to engage in each other's company and the relationships have grown more healthy as well as our own personal sense of well being.

Time is a wonderful healer and a wonderful teacher. We never know in advance though, how much time we will need to reach the point we are reaching for. Ten months is almost a year, and it can sound like a long time, but for us it has not been that long at all and so, though we are moving forward, we are still in need of time to learn and to change and to heal. I do not plan to go anywhere or leave this material existence just yet, so time I have, and I will keep utilizing the powerful healing properties of time!

The Battle of Positive vs Negative Thoughts Goes On!

Life is lovely! I try and I try and I try to become positive when I am down. I have my periods of sadness and over analysing and feeling that everything is and was and always will be crap, but I do try my best to get over it. Just 2 days ago I started to feel a bit more settled and I decided that I need to live in the moment more. If I am having a good day and  another person (be it a friend or a "friend") shares some time with me, then great! I will enjoy that day and that person for what I had with them in the moment and not care so much about who will be there for me tomorrow. I decided to make my life happier by consciously  turning off some of my emotions and some of my over-active brain. I believe I can do that and that it will help me to feel happier in the moment and perhaps that will bring forward some longer term positive change in my life.
                            
So then after I have had this conclusion and realised that I need to stop expecting more from the people in my life, the moment I start to think I will just enjoy what I have and relax, negativity starts to enter my life again! WHY?

My friend who I care about deeply finally contacts me with some bad news and intimated that we should talk. I fear I will be hurt with what he has to say, but I will push those fears and negative thoughts away and focus on positive thoughts. It is amazing how much happier I became just with the knowledge that I will be seeing him soon. I do not want to lose that little glimmer of happiness. I will focus on being happy that I will see him, talk and laugh with him. I will ignore my brain in trying to read between the lines and contemplating what dreadful things he may say and I will not presume that the outcome of our visit will be heartbreak. I will only focus on the happiness of seeing him when I open the door and forget everything else because there is no way of knowing what will happen until it happens.

Later that day my 14 year old daughter comes home only to off load a lot of negative energy and feeling unto me about the start of school. She was nearly in tears a few times. It was non stop: people don't like me, my friends are not in the same classes, the head of year scared us with how hard this year will be and expectations are high, I am obsessed with my breathing and if I can not hear myself breathing then I start hyperventilating, I am nauseous all the time, my stomach always hurts, I always have headaches, I was light-headed because I could hardly eat my carrot sticks at lunch, I hate my mutilated feet, I do not know how to talk to people, I am worried about finding work experience because we know no one, I do not like my teachers.......Later itt was painful to sit with her at dinner, all hunched downwards, meekly holding her food, head down, no conversation! What did I do wrong? How can I help? What can help? Why do ALL my children have issues? I screwed them all up! It is all on my shoulders.....STOP! I tried talking to her, it did no good, I excused her from the table when she was finished and hoped for better days! I can only hope for better days, be here for her to vent and suggest things and offer outside help.

Those were yesterday's little attempts to draw me into my over analytical mind that usually causes me distress. Today also had it's pull towards my racing mind with the endless question of "why". I spoke to my son at about 10 am and instead of the usual groggy voice of someone who rarely gets out of bed before the afternoon, I was getting with a very alert and energised voice. I first thought that is because he had an early morning appointment that I may have interrupted. So I proceeded to ask my son if I was interrupting anything. No, no, he is at home , he has been up all night cleaning, thanks to a little help he had. I know what that means, so I asked him OK then, what drugs did you take,

I was correct, his help was something known as ethylphenidate https://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showwiki.php?title=Ethylphenidate This was my son's "free gift" when ordering a large amount of etizolam https://www.erowid.org/pharms/etizolam/ Oh, what a nice website offering free gifts! Apparently my son received his benefit money Wednesday and he went to a lovely little Polish shop to buy his 95% Spiritus which if you look at the link it says, " the strongest spirit on the commercial market. Alcohol at this strength can be very dangerous if consumed to excess" http://www.thewhiskyexchange.com/P-9042.aspx  as well a six pack of beer before going to the library to use the computers and stumble upon the great deal (free gift) that was on offer with his favourite website for order his drugs!

                                               

Needless to say my son spent all of his benefit money on that day and since he only gets money every two weeks, I am sure I will get the "take pity on me" attempts for money and/or shopping! 

What baffles me is that he has done this after a trip to the emergency room the day before and he is not worried about his health. Well F*** ME, of course he is not! He is an ADDICT! He even said that as long as he has "problems" that he can only survive through with the aid of a "crutch" then so be it, it is not a bad thing because he is able to get by. Well I wanted to ask and I did that how is he really going to deal with the underlying peoples while using these "crutches" because the crutch negates the underlying issues that stops you from moving forward!? He had no answer, he merely focused on how great it is that he is buzzing on this research chemical he is consuming because his flat was a disaster and needed cleaning up because the management was on his case about it! The chemical is similar to Ritalin and the effects have been compared to cocaine so he has managed to stay awake, be motivated and energised! "Great stuff kiddo, proud of you for getting your flat cleaned up! Oh you took drugs to do it? That is ok, the main thing is you sorted out a problem that is a priority at the moment" OH, can you believe this is what my son thinks is the appropriate response when telling me about the crutch he used to get things done!?

Then started the insistent demands of when he could come over and "sorting out" his stuff so that he can sell them.Today? Tomorrow? "No? Why, what do you have to do?". He needs to sell stuff to have more money. More money to do what, well of course, buy more drugs and alcohol! No thanks! Then this led us down the road of "well whose fault is all of this anyway?".Oh, if only there was a drug to help the addict see the truth to these types of questions as well as the questions of  "how do I make my life better?" (not by taking more drugs). 

                              

Well I hung up the phone in the end. I will not take such abusive and negativity. I will not allow him to call the shots. I will not listen to his self destructive beliefs and actions. I will not be weighed down by his negativity. I will immediately cleanse myself of these triggers into self destructive thoughts by purging them into this blog post and move on with my day with a smile on my face. I will not spend the day worrying about my son's health and the dangerous game he is playing with his body. I will not become overly sentimental and  gloomy that come Monday my friendship with this man, who I do believe to be a good a good friend, will come to an end and feeling rejected as always. I will also not spend my day wondering what I have contributed to my daughter's unhealthy self beliefs and fears and irrational anxieties. I have acknowledge all these events to be true, but also beyond my power at the moment to change them, so I will be positive that life is essentially good and I can have a good future and so can my children and I will hope that these positive feelings and thoughts will lead me to more positive solutions and ideas....or maybe that is Bullshit, but hey, it is better than being down, right?

                                          

Reality Check: Done!

Today I am feeling: realistic, positive, accepting, comfortably numb. I have had a week to regroup after being back from our trip to Budapest. I have digested the reality that is my life that I have come back to. I have started to regain some positivity that I will and can change some of my life and I will continue to think how the hell I am actually going to do that! I had put off seeing my son but finally saw him and though I can not say that I see too much progress, I am starting to regain my confidence that he will be OK, one day he will be living a much better life and he will have some of the "things" in life that he wants and also the "things" that I want for him.

                                                  
                                     
I feel accepting that though there is a lot about the relationships in my life with family and friends that are letting me down and discouraging to my soul, I also accept that is how it is at the moment, and though it has seemed to have been a recurring issue in my life, one day that too will change. My family will recovery and I will have a healthier family. I will one day find someone, and that someone will find me, that I can love freely and more important that person will also love me and be confidant enough in their feelings to love me freely and opening without games/complications/fears.

Though life is difficult and no where near how I would like it to be, I am positive that it will not be this way forever. I am too good of a person to have to suffer my entire existence, my heaven is not waiting for me after death, it is waiting for me here in this mortal world...and damn it, I will find it!

My children may all have their various issues and struggles of their own to achieve happiness, and they may indeed take out all their frustrations on me...but you know what? Thank God, that they have me to unload on! Thank God, they know that there is someone here that loves them profoundly and will allow them to vent! Imagine if they did not have that?

               

I may have fallen into a relationship years ago devoid of true love. I may have stayed in that bad relationship too long and helped create dysfunctional relationships and a dysfunctional family, but it is done now. I may have opted to be a full time mother loving and caring for my children and now find the need to be financial independent extremely difficult, oh well, at least my children and I have incredibly strong bonds! OK, so my eldest son is hurting and has turned to drugs to find comfort in the void that is there in his life because of the dysfunctional relationship with his father, but that can not be changed either, but he can learn from it. Yes, my middle child also suffered from the dysfunctions she witnessed and was a part of, turning to self harming and contemplating suicide, but she STOPPED cutting herself from her own desire to do so, her strong will helped her through that difficult period. My youngest may have grown up in a household devoid of "normal" family life, without a father, with a mother full of worry, with a big brother who was abusing drugs quite opening in the family home, with an older sister who was angry and reclusive....this has had it's impact, that I am sure off in which creates confusion within her. However, she also has seen that her mother loves ALL her children, despite everything and she is strong enough not to stop believing in them and though sometimes depressed and negative, she has seen her mommy always loving and never really giving up!

                                               

Life may not be great, my son is still an addict, my daughter is still unhappy, I am struggling, I am still battling; however, it will not be like this forever and I will try to overcome what I can. I may not be a bundle of positive energy yet, thankfully I am not a bundle of negative energy either! This week has been emotional, but I am moving on! My family will as well and one day we will connect with the positive and loving and giving people in the world who we can build some happy memories with and say good bye to the bad memories!

Life goes on and I am not going to let it beat me!

                                     

Lucky Me!

A few weeks ago, on the eve of our Mother's Day in the UK, I contemplated relationships in my post

 http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/friends-familyforever.html

and concluded that as a mother, my love for my children will be one thing that will last forever.

I thought that I would share with you all what a wonderful Mother's Day I had, the first one in a very long time!

My daughters came up with an amazing Mother's Day menu, which they shopped for and prepared themselves. I was treated to breakfast in bed, and I mean, real breakfast! We are not talking about soggy cereal, burnt toast and cold coffee, I was treated to delicious blueberry pancakes (made from scratch), fresh fruit (mango and pomegranate) and fresh brewed coffee!

After stuffing myself, they brought me up my laptop and told me to relax while they cleaned up! I then received a call from my son wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and said he hoped that his sisters did something nice, because I deserve it! He asked if it would be ok to drop by a card to me later. Full and content, I decided to have a nap!

Later I snuggled on the sofa with my youngest daughter (age 9) watching a film, "Oz, the Great and Powerful" and really enjoyed it with her. All the while, my other daughter was busy in the kitchen preparing my Mother's Day lunch. When she came in with a plate for me I was so amazed at what she created! My lunch was mini puff pastry quiches and a spinach and tomatoes salad!!!! I dug right in and was in food heaven! I had seconds, and thirds!! It was so exceptionally good, I was so proud of my daughter's talented cooking as well as so proud that they had both put in so much time and thought and effort into making me a special day! Lunch was followed by yummy chocolate dominoes, which were consumed before a picture could be taken!

As my girls cleaned up, I was told to relax some more and later my son came to visit. Though my older daughter is still uncomfortable with her brother, and indeed still does not want to see him, she was ok with it and just went up to her room. My younger daughter decided to stay and sit around the kitchen table with her brother and me and it was all very "normal". It was a short visit, but a very comfortable one. My son was not over intoxicated, though I am sure he had a smoke and a drink earlier in the day, he was lucid and behaved himself. He gave me a card and on the envelope it said, "To my brilliant mum". Inside was this most meaningful message:

"Happy Mother's Day to the best mum in the world!! Thank you for being so brilliant, helping me lots and just being around. Hope you've had a lovely day and that the girls did something nice, you deserve a treat. Love you lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox"

You can imagine how powerful his handwritten words to me were! This is the first time in years that my son has given me a card and with such poignant words as well, I was moved beyond words.

I dropped  my son back at his flat so he did not have to make the 45 minute walk, especially since it would become colder and darker during his walk. When I returned home, I had a card from my youngest and chocolates from both of my girls. My youngest daughter wrote this in her handmade card:

"Dear Mummy,
I love you lots and lots! I love you more and more each day! Have a great day. DON'T DO ANY WORK. Well, except make dinner. Ha ha ha. Happy Mother's Day. I love you and all your family does!"

My love for these children will definitely stand the test of time as well as the test of all that life has been giving us. After that most special Mother's Day, I know that their love for me will also last and withstand all the trials and tribulations.

I am one lucky woman, even though my family my not be traditional and far from perfect, even though my children and I have suffered and are still trying to recover, even though my son is a drug addict, I am still one hell of a lucky woman!

Solutions in Spring

Spring has sprung and there needs to be a shift in my way of thinking. At the moment I have to learn to be less analytical about why things have happened the way they have and why the universe keeps testing me with one difficult challenge after the other. I have to let go a little and start thinking of more practical ways to move forward. I need to become, as my Family Solutions worker highlighted, more solution focused.

                            
So while I may still feel flat and stuck and overwhelmed and sad about what has happened and what life has given me, which makes looking forward and dealing with things in the here and now rather difficult, I will start tackling real problems with real solutions.

My son has a drug problem. End of story for the moment. I do not know why it happened or how it happened but I know I did not make that choice for him to seek comfort from drugs. I did not neglect him or mistreat him in any way. I was a good mother and still am and I am not to blame. I am not responsible for the affect other people in my son's life had on his emotional well being, I tried to compensate with my love but that is not always enough. I am still here for him now and always will be. I support him as much as I can and he is still a very important part of my life though he has not lived at home for over 3 months and he is not really a part of his sisters lives. My solution is to continue to support him, offer him practical help and encourage him to seek treatment. At the end of the day he must find his own solutions on how he will move forward and if and when he wants treatment or change.

Not much has changed inside our home in the last three months mostly because of my feelings of being stuck and also financial restraints. Emotionally I have struggled the most in regard to my son's room. Not only was it left in  a HUGE mess and very chaotic, but it was full of memories (good and bad). I felt a sense of disrespect to my son if I was the one who sorted out his things, and I felt an even bigger sense of betrayal if I would change his room from his room into anything but his room. I can feel his anger and disapproval and rejection. Yet I know very well that it is my house,  I make the decisions and I do not need to discuss my plans for a room in my house with him. Therefore I have finally made plans to redecorate it into a spare room, and if the time would ever come, my son would be more than welcome to stay in it. We will move our second T.V. from the playroom into there and store a lot of our books there, freeing up space in other rooms. It will be a space that anyone in the family can use as well as always being there for guests. I have chosen the sofa bed, and the décor. I have discussed removing the old furniture and Thursday it will be taken to the dump. So now I am packing and organising things and feeling more positive about this solution and that I have finally made the decision to do what I want and most importantly, to remove triggers of the unpleasant years without removing the memories.

                      

Broken doors and holes in the walls are also triggers, as well as left over equipment and paraphernalia...all reminds us what life was like, who seemed to be in charge and all the things we didn't like about my son as an addict. Even the garden if full of reminders as well as evidence that once a much loved part of my life had been neglected for years due to the lack of interest and motivation to keep things looking nice when our lives seemed to be crumbling from within.

Solutions: replace broken doors, hire someone to start making some headway with the garden, create spare room, pack away all reminders and dispose of anything I feel is unacceptable to keep. Already, I have cleared away all the equipment my son had in the utility room and threw away a lot of the mess that was left behind. All the spaces of our house that was significant in my son's life with drugs has been severely neglected. I have now created a clean, fresh and open spaced utility room, with house plants and flowers replacing the beakers and vices and tubes. A friend who is a professional gardener has agreed to do some work for me and she has already started and it makes such a difference in creating a positive energy and motivation. My Family Solution worker is coming Thursday to help me clear away some of my son's furniture and we will go to the dump together. So not only have some solutions been decided on, work to see those solutions come to fruition as already begun! And do you know what? It feels good!

                                 
 
I may not be financial secure and I may be alone as far as being a single mother with absolutely no family near me which has created a HUGE sense of responsibility falling ALL on me, but that doesn't mean that solutions can't be found and REALISED! I will bite the bullet and do what needs to be done even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable and intimidates me. I will do it because in so doing I will empower myself and I will feel more confidant and secure in myself. I will start reclaiming control and making life more as I would like it to be despite all the things in my life I dislike.

It is spring, new beginnings, rebirth and hope for the future. I embrace spring and all that it represents. I will actively change my focus and though remaining loyal to my son and wanting nothing more than his recovery, I will not let that overshadow everything else. I will try now to create a balance and no longer feel guilty that while my son is suffering my daughters and I can still create a happy life. Maybe if my daughters and I move on and create a life worth living my son will follow and do the same!

                     

Positive and Grateful

OK, well life is hard, that we know. Life is challenging, oh yes it is! There are obstacles and barriers and sometimes everything seems to go wrong and nothing seems to go right. Some of us are in such a state very briefly in our lives and then we are back on track. For others, and yes myself included, it seems to be an ongoing struggle with one hardship after another.

                           

Today I am thinking, enough with the problems, they are still there and they will be there tomorrow, but for now, enough already.

Let's focus on what is good and what is working and what is right. We all have things that we can be happy and grateful about, I am sure of it. Sometimes we have to look very hard before we see what is right before our eyes. I want everyone to think of three things they are grateful for, even if they are amidst ongoing issues and a slaughter of problems and turmoil.

My youngest daughter and I have been keeping a "Grateful Book" since mid January. Some nights I struggle to find three things that I am grateful for because it is more challenging to try to think of different reasons and not just put down the same stuff over and over again. My older daughter tried once and quickly gave up. According to her it made her more depressed to be faced with the challenge because it made her painfully aware that there was in fact nothing for her to be grateful for. Well, I am delighted that after a conversation with me and her her counsellor she is willing to have a go at writing downs things she is grateful for.

                                                        

What am I grateful for? Well my list is varied and sometimes simplistic and sometimes more complex. Sometimes I am grateful that I provided a good meal for my daughters and myself. Sometimes I am grateful for things that give me joy in my life, such as music, food, friends, my sister, warmth etc. Sometimes I think I am grateful to have this blog (11, 480 views thank you everyone who is reading), I am grateful I am still sane and appreciate my ability to laugh, I am glad my son is alive, I am glad I am managing to maintain my health and that we have a home to live in with running water, heating and electricity. Of course I am grateful to be alive, but sometimes that is too much of a cliché because lets admit it, sometimes in our darkest days we are not actually grateful for that. I even come up with things like,  "I am grateful for my body and that I have all its parts and I can move with ease". There are things to be grateful for, yes there are, no matter how little or silly or superficial they may seem, we are definitely grateful for so many things and we must not loose sight of that.

Addiction is a horrendous disease that like no other disease, the person who is sick does not often want to be helped. Any other disease and we are running to the doctor and asking for help, for tests, for medication etc. I am suffering because my son is sick and his disease has left it's mark on the family. No one can give me a pill to cure it. No can can wave a magic wand and fix it all. As far as I know, no one has a time machine so that I can go back into time and change things for the better. What I can do is to stay positive and refocus my energies on making life better while realising that every day of my life has had an element of good in it.

So my son is not here living the life that I, as his mother, believe he should be living. That does not change the fact that I was and still am a very good mother. I gave so much love and nurture and good times to my son, and I know it is still inside him, somewhere.

I may not be living in the lap of luxury and instead experiencing great financial strains and worries, but I have never been homeless and I have always been able to feed my children and keep them safe and warm.

I may have had a very unhappy marriage and one that we probably both regret and, if honest, we would both admit that it was something that "just happened" and not as a result of a great love for each; however,  I know that at times in my life I have been loved and I have experienced love and passion, even if very briefly.

I may not have travelled as much and given my children all the holidays that I would have liked, but we do have some fantastic memories of some very good holidays and have been fortunate to see some beautiful places in the world.

I may not have created a successful career but I know that I am educated and have a good mind and a caring heart. I believe that I can turn this nightmare into a positive learning experience and reach out to others and offer support and empathy to other families out there who are torn apart from addiction. Also, I am sure that there is someone out there that will eventual be able to help my son when my son is ready..

I am VERY grateful for all of you who read my blog and comment and share your stories. I try to respond to all of you, but I am sometimes unable to as quickly as I would like. My blog means a lot to me not only because it is very cathartic for me and helps me express my situation and feelings in a safe environment, but it also gives me satisfaction that I believe it is doing some good. Also, as I have mentioned recently I started a Facebook Page offering support for families of addiction, and in just 3 weeks it has received 275 "likes". I am struck by how so many people need this support and really hope I can make a difference.

Thank you and remember to be grateful for something every day!


                      

Feeling Positive

Today all I want to say is that I feel that maybe this is the time when all the pieces will come together and we might actually find ourselves on the road to recovery! I say, "we" because we will all be on that road, not just my son. As a family we will need to heal and recovery and it will take time. I am not sure why I feel like recovery may be in our sight soon, but I do, for now.



I do not have any specific or significant events that has made me feel this way. It is a series of events and there still needs to be a lot of work and nudging to be done that is for sure.

Some of the things I feel good about are:
My son attending an appointment with his key worker at the drug and alcohol recovery centre.
My sessions with my support worker.
My meeting with the BRICK project (http://www.eypdas.org.uk/about-eypdas/our-services-for-children,-young-people-and-families/the-brick-project.aspx ) for the past 4 weeks.
My 5 mentor training sessions, with 13 more to go.
These last 3 have enabled me to have many discussions and meet some dedicated and caring people. One of the facilitators in the BRICK project said, it may be "fate" that has brought me to the project and the mentoring to find the right people who will help my son. Though we have tried in the past with agencies, doctors, support etc,  perhaps the time was not right and the "right" contacts were not made. Maybe now things are "right".



My daughter is open to starting her own journey to recovery by extending the help she receives by starting "Emotionally Resilient Group Therapy" provided my our local child and adolescent mental health services. This is in addition to her weekly sessions with her support worker. My youngest daughter for the first time ever has agreed to some school clubs so she now has things that will keep her busy and take the focus away from home and help build her self esteem.

Also my son has had a few very open and frank discussions with some professionals that might actually be helping him to see things more realistically. The threat of Social Services raising the stakes by possibly making this a Child Protection case is not a good thing obviously, but the fear it evokes can be used positively.



After walking away from a very unhealthy marriage and being a stay at home mom for the last 18 years, coupled with the focus on my son's drug usage for the past 6 years, I have become to feel very insecure about my abilities to succeed or perform or contribute to anything outside the family home. Actually even my capabilities as a mother has often been challenged over these last few years as a result of the addiction and the downward spiral of behaviour and  family relationships.

Ultimately, the more active I become the better I feel about myself as a person and as a mother. These factors provide me with a greater sense of hope that we will eventually embrace recovery. Comments such as, "You will be great as a mentor", "Your daughters are a credit to you for coping well and achieving at school", "You are doing very well and more than many parents would do" have allowed me to feel more positive. I can also see that there is one or two people we have come into contact with that really want to help us, because they really care.

Of course there have been things happening that aren't so great or positive, but do you know what? I don't want to think about those situations and worries today!

                                         
                                         
People can survive addiction and come out still having a loving family and a positive future, and we will be one of those.