Today I am feeling: realistic, positive, accepting, comfortably numb. I have had a week to regroup after being back from our trip to Budapest. I have digested the reality that is my life that I have come back to. I have started to regain some positivity that I will and can change some of my life and I will continue to think how the hell I am actually going to do that! I had put off seeing my son but finally saw him and though I can not say that I see too much progress, I am starting to regain my confidence that he will be OK, one day he will be living a much better life and he will have some of the "things" in life that he wants and also the "things" that I want for him.
I feel accepting that though there is a lot about the relationships in my life with family and friends that are letting me down and discouraging to my soul, I also accept that is how it is at the moment, and though it has seemed to have been a recurring issue in my life, one day that too will change. My family will recovery and I will have a healthier family. I will one day find someone, and that someone will find me, that I can love freely and more important that person will also love me and be confidant enough in their feelings to love me freely and opening without games/complications/fears.
Though life is difficult and no where near how I would like it to be, I am positive that it will not be this way forever. I am too good of a person to have to suffer my entire existence, my heaven is not waiting for me after death, it is waiting for me here in this mortal world...and damn it, I will find it!
My children may all have their various issues and struggles of their own to achieve happiness, and they may indeed take out all their frustrations on me...but you know what? Thank God, that they have me to unload on! Thank God, they know that there is someone here that loves them profoundly and will allow them to vent! Imagine if they did not have that?
I may have fallen into a relationship years ago devoid of true love. I may have stayed in that bad relationship too long and helped create dysfunctional relationships and a dysfunctional family, but it is done now. I may have opted to be a full time mother loving and caring for my children and now find the need to be financial independent extremely difficult, oh well, at least my children and I have incredibly strong bonds! OK, so my eldest son is hurting and has turned to drugs to find comfort in the void that is there in his life because of the dysfunctional relationship with his father, but that can not be changed either, but he can learn from it. Yes, my middle child also suffered from the dysfunctions she witnessed and was a part of, turning to self harming and contemplating suicide, but she STOPPED cutting herself from her own desire to do so, her strong will helped her through that difficult period. My youngest may have grown up in a household devoid of "normal" family life, without a father, with a mother full of worry, with a big brother who was abusing drugs quite opening in the family home, with an older sister who was angry and reclusive....this has had it's impact, that I am sure off in which creates confusion within her. However, she also has seen that her mother loves ALL her children, despite everything and she is strong enough not to stop believing in them and though sometimes depressed and negative, she has seen her mommy always loving and never really giving up!
Life may not be great, my son is still an addict, my daughter is still unhappy, I am struggling, I am still battling; however, it will not be like this forever and I will try to overcome what I can. I may not be a bundle of positive energy yet, thankfully I am not a bundle of negative energy either! This week has been emotional, but I am moving on! My family will as well and one day we will connect with the positive and loving and giving people in the world who we can build some happy memories with and say good bye to the bad memories!
Life goes on and I am not going to let it beat me!