Life....It's All Happening!

There are times in life when there is too much. Too much to think about, too much to deal with, too much to sort out, too much to figure out. There are also times when all of that needs to be ignored and we must pretend everything is ok, everything is manageable. Everything is "normal". I have been trying to pretend such a normal existence for the last 8 weeks while we hosted a 14 year old exchange student from Germany. I have dealt with many things, silently, I have become a bit lost in my thoughts and fell wayward from expressing myself through the written word. It now feels foreign and more challenging. Challenging to express all that has been locked inside of me, challenging to organise the events and thoughts and experiences of the past 2 months. Challenging to find the flow that I use to embrace as it helped heal and support me.

There has been hospitalizations and court dates for my son, as well as teenage sleepovers and children's ballet performances. There has been tears and laughter, love and loneliness, giggles and depression, drugs and alcohol, worry and comfort as well as hope and dread!

We have experienced my home slowly deteriorating with faulty showers, leaking roofs, draughty damp windows as well as a roof threatening to cave in and that particular room turning into a room decorated by a variety of mould! We have still managed to entertain and house a student while I fed her well and cared for her and befriended her. I had to deal with my son's deteriorating emotional health, threatened mental break down, the lack of support of the mental health team, resorting to more drugs and wanting to revert back to the near comatose drug induced state that he longs for, while still trying to maintain his probation requirements and keeping in line with his supported housing accommodation rules. On the latter two requirements, I have seen that too deteriorate and he is in breach of his parole and his accommodation is under threat of eviction.

I have tried to juggle money so that our student does not have to experience going without electricity or gas, and that she would eat and drink well and not live on rice for days on end as we have done, but at the same time I also tried to help my son so that he too would not go hungry, though many times I have to be strong and remind him he is an adult and he gets money that he needs to be able to manage.

As time went on though, my veil of pretence to be "normal", slowly started  to falter. As this happened and our student was trusted with more and more of our reality, the tears in her pretence also came out. She had self harmed a few times and was dealing with her own problems. She witnessed my daughter slipping back deeper and deeper into depression. Luckily, we all understood each other and we managed to listen and comfort each other and take solace in the fact that everyone has problems.

I have tried to be positive and embrace what is positive and for the most part I have done just that. I accept that what little time I have with the ones I love is important and I am grateful for that. I am grateful each time I speak to my son and that he is still alive and still lucid. I am grateful for the days that my middle daughter seems to be a little more cheerful and is not lethargic and anti social and depressed. I am grateful that my youngest daughter still embraces childhood and is in no hurry to grow up. I am grateful that a special man did remind me that I am desirable and also intellectually stimulating and that we have maintained our friendship of 2 years though we have become more complexly involved with each other over the last 6 months. I do not agree with his choices based on co dependency and guilt, but it is not my place to judge and instead I am happy for having known him at all. I am grateful that another man I care for has also resumed contact with me. I am grateful that at last all the negative damage my ex husband did to my psyche is starting to leave me. I hope that the more destructive emotional damage he caused our 2 older children will one day start to leave them as well and they too can start to believe in themselves as I have started to believe in myself. I am grateful that I have found enough confidence to become a member of The Children Society charity as a volunteer and I will put all the knowledge I have gained through the years of my son's drug use to some use.

I am trying to also put my story and my writing and my family's experience to some good use to others as well as helping my family with looking for ways to publish and earn money as well. I have been unsuccessful with the Huffington post, no response, but I will keep trying. The Fix would like to publish more posts from me, but not for monetary reward. However, if I write for The Fix, I can not publish the post on my blog for a month after their publication. Also if any of my readers would like to pass on my blog to anyone who might be interested or indeed even any publishers, please pass it on, and if you are so inclined to click ads on my blog, than I would be grateful. I need to provide a better lifestyle for my family and teach them that you should never give up and that you should never be ashamed to try!

I hope that my next post will be able to concentrate on one issue or go deeper into a topic, and that I will be able to return to a more regular and productive writing rhythm once again!

Getting My Life Back

Happy Saturday to everyone!

Today I will not write my usual blog post, I will be happy and positive and write briefly on the fact that I deserve to have a life and therefore I will start to live my life.

                                                  

What is prompting this post is that this evening I am going to a party! I am sad to admit this, but I am always 100% honest in my writing, is that this is the first real party I have been invited to since I met my ex husband! Sad, isn't it? Oh there was the one time we were invited to my new friends when we were new to our current neighbourhood, for a little pre Christmas get together...but it was not a "party". My then husband did not enjoy himself because, as he opening admitted to me, there was not enough drinking and too much mindful chatting! We were never invited to anything like that by those "friends" of mine again. There was the three weddings we attended, on 2 of the 3 occasions I was left to my own devices while my husband drank far too much (and at one of them we were humiliated as he was fumbling and falling all over the place and we had to pour him into a taxi to collect our 2 year old son and go home). One of the three weddings was in Ireland, and I was taken back to the house where  we were staying , just me and the children, while my husband drank the entire night away. Another wedding was in the States and it was a very pleasant affair, which came to an end at 11 pm and my husband was greatly annoyed, so we went back to the hotel, I put the children to bed while my husband went down to the hotel bar to continue in his private merriment!

There were the odd family get together at my then in-laws house. Again that usually involved copious amounts of alcohol, or if my husband was driving and could not drink, then he sat miserably and silently while I had to make endless idle chit chat!

We rarely had anyone at our house and ironically soon after my husband and I split and I finally started to meet a few people, I could not have people around, but this was now due to my son's drug taking and unpredictable behaviour, just as much as the insecurity and unease I would feel with people in the house with "him" there and also possibly seeing something they shouldn't!

So I tell you this not to be negative, but so you have a frame of reference and understand that for nearly 20 years I have had a very limited and personally unsatisfying social life, if you can call it a social life! Now that my son is not living at home I can start thinking of developing a social life again.

                                               

Tonight a member of my support group is having a party and she has invited her circle of friends, but was also kind enough to invite the group. So therefore, I am invited to a party, with  a few people I will know and many more that I will not. There will be a DJ and food and drink. The intention is to let our hair down and forget life for a few hours. So that is what I will do. I will actually put on some glad rags and go out and mingle with people who will see me as a "normal" person. Not an addict's mother. Not the woman who provoked a huge investigation after handing in dangerous chemicals. Not the emotionally abusive man's wife. Not the woman with financial difficulties, dysfunctional relationships or a single mom with troubled children battling it all on her own. For once I will be just "Susan", I will be funny and charming and attractive, I will be the me I like to be! No one will tell me I can't. No one will tell me when to go home or to look after the kids or to take all the abusive phone calls and no one will make me feel guilty for it either!

Life goes on and as far as my children are concerned, I tell you what....I will be giving them a far greater message in being myself and being true to me than letting others control me!

Time to dust off the high heels and little black dress and let my hair down!!

                                                 

I wish you all a good Saturday and do not forget that no matter how much you and your loved ones are struggling with whatever issues they may be, you are still you, you are still a person; take care of yourself and let a little of you shine through today.

Holidays are Stressful

Holidays, what do they bring to mind for you? Fun, adventure, relaxation, indulgence, escapism....unfortunately holidays (vacations) can also be stressful. Sometimes I wonder if all the stress is worth it. Stress in preparing/planning/financing, then the stress of being there and trying to make sure everyone is happy while in a new location; then the stress of coming home to stacked up mail made up of mostly  bills, suitcases full of dirty laundry, an empty pocket book as well as an empty fridge! Dealing with that gloomy feeling and sadness of coming back to reality, then, surprisingly your holiday seems to be in the far away past.

                 

Life with an addict makes holidays even more stressful. The last time I was on a holiday with my son was two years ago. I remember being so stressed before hand and doubting whether or not I should take him with us, but on the other hand I did not trust him enough to leave him at home alone. I knew that his behaviour back then was vile and he was taking a lot of drugs. I also knew that we would stay with my elderly aunt and he may not act in a respectable manner as a visitor in her home. I also knew that there was so much animosity between my children that the holiday will more than likely be filled with arguments.

Two years ago I actually had the opportunity to have two holidays during the 6 weeks summer break. We were going to visit my aunt in Budapest, attend a music festival (Sziget Festival) which we have been to before and love. We were going to then go to the Lake Balaton resort area of Hungary with my aunt, who was funding all of our expenses while in Hungary. After returning home we would have a couple of days to get reorganised and then we would be off to the French Alp (Grenoble) to visit an old flame who I had not seen in nearly 20 years. A few days in the city and then a few days up in Alpes d'Huez.

After much conversation, arguments, promises and deals made, I agreed to allow my son to come on both holidays, so I bought tickets for all 4 of us as well as getting large enough accommodation in France so that my son could have his privacy and the girls and I could have ours.

Of course after everything was booked and it was too late to the change the vacationing number from 4 people to 3, my son started to discuss and prepare and devise a scheme on how he will take drugs with him without getting caught! He took his stash of benzos, and legal highs and home made tinctures as well as ordering his poppy heads to be sent to my aunt's house in Budapest!!!! I realised I had made a big mistake.

The majority of our time spent in Hungary was riddled with arguments, my son being up most of the night, making a fuss about making his "tea" and sleeping most of the day making the rest of us wait for him and then having to wait some more while he prepared and drank his "tea", the excessive shouting and swearing, begging for money so he can buy alcohol and treating my poor old aunt which such disrespect that at the end of the holiday as we said our good byes at the airport, my aunt was barely on speaking terms with my son and she said she did not want to see him again until he is "better". My son was very resentful and thought she was out of order. My son kept having a go at me because he could not understand what we were all so upset about! Unfortunately, there are many, many stories that I could tell that would illustrate the horrendous holiday we had. However, one incident in particular comes to mind though. At the music festival, after a day of music I was going to buy my daughters a snack (they were both hungry) before my youngest daughter was to be picked up by my aunt, so I could longer to stay to enjoy the later evening bands with my older daughter and my son. As we waited in line to buy some food, my son who was VERY intoxicated on opium and alcohol came and started harassing me for money for more drinks. By this time I was already angry with him for his behaviour that day, so I had walked away from him with my daughters because I told him I did not want to have anything to do with him in such a vile state. He was so aggressive from the intoxication, he was so abusive to me that I was not only embarrassed, but also scared. We were indeed creating a scene. To create a scene at a music festival with lots of people and so much going on and so much noise,  is really saying something! I noticed my daughters, the younger one was VERY scared as well as tired and hungry. My older daughter was very angry and hated that my son always had to steal my attention and "ruin" things for her and for us all. The situation got so intense that the people around use started to look very worried and finally some brave woman came over to "protect" me and asked if I wanted someone to get this man away from me. You can imagine the look on her face and other on lookers as I said to her in between gasps of air (because I was crying so much), "He is my son!". She  hugged me and stayed with me until the situation calmed down and my son had moved on.

On the last night of the festival, the closing head-liner was "The Killers", one of my daughter's favourite bands. Despite having told my son again on that night to please leave us alone, he kept coming to me demanding more money for drink! I wanted him to get away because the concert had started and my daughter was getting increasingly perturbed as her brother kept getting "in our face". In the end I ended up grabbing his drink and throwing it on him! I could not believe I did that and I was very distressed. I was angry at him. He left because after having him shout about what I had done, and my daughter was missing her band's performance, I caved in and gave him money to buy himself another drink just to get rid of him! Can you imagine what that feels like for a mother? Especially a mother who has always adored her son? Later I caught a glimpse of my son, who after getting a drink came back to the same area my daughter and I were standing and watching the concert. My son was smiling and dancing around. He looked happy, he looked like he use to, he made me feel so sorry for him! I wanted to cry, in fact my eyes are welling up just visualizing it now as I write these words. I wanted him to be happy and with friends and dancing and enjoying himself as a "normal" teenager. Instead, I saw my son who was off his face on opium and alcohol but lost in the music, no longer angry or abusive, I was no longer anger or hurt, my heart went out to him!

When we arrived back in England I decided that I did not want to go through all of this again while in France. I wanted a wonderful time. I wanted a real holiday, away from the stress and the abuse and worry and sadness. I wanted to have a romantic and fun and enjoyable reunion of the last man I had loved. I stood my ground and broke the news to my son. Yes, I wasted a lot of money, coach fare to Paris, train fare to Grenoble, two separate hotels which were bigger now than needed to be.....and I was not to have foreseen all the money I was to spend while I was away on my son! Luckily I decided to sell my grandmother's thick, beautiful 18 carat necklace for £400 in case I needed more money than I had while in France. We ended up going to Paris together and then parted ways (after way too much nonsense) as he went to a festival and we went on to our destination. His plans went horribly wrong because he was drinking opium all day and evening and lost his way back to his hotel, lost his wallet, lost his passport ect. While I was trying to enjoy Grenoble (which I did very much, but it was not the lovesfest I had hoped it to be) I was constantly being called by my son, I was paying extra night upon extra night at his hotel at 99 Euros per night, I kept sending money into his account via internet banking for food, and topping up his phone for him etc until he managed to get home! Even then I had to send him money because his father was not prepared to take him grocery shopping!

Needless to say, France was not the ideal holiday either. My daughter's and I had no money to eat while in the Alps, my card being declined in French! I had to ask my friends and family to wire ME money! All this because I spent that £400 to help my son. So not only did my romantic dreams not come true, not only did I spend way too much money, but my son seemed to still somehow able to control my life and I did not relax or escape nearly as much as I would have liked to!

So here we are, two years on, some dreadful things have happened in those two years: arguments, police call outs for domestic "violence", me turning in chemicals to a drug's clinic, huge overreaction of what was called "chemical spill",  my son's arrest for drug production and possession, the drug clinic's chaos on national news, the police invading our home and having to be evacuated, our story all over the newspapers several times, police reports, witness statements, court dates, my daughter's self harming as a result of all this, her many appointments and also group "therapy", social services getting involved, children in need meetings, more arguments and emotional/verbal abuse, my daughter's suicidal ideation, concerns for her safety,  Family Solutions involvement, meetings and appointments, telling my son that he needed to move out, my son being homeless, my son in homeless shelters, more problems due to his drugs, my son becoming involved with the "wrong" people now that he was being exposed to people, numerous calls from the emergency room, my son's alcohol withdrawal grand mal seizure, my daughter's intense hatred for her brother, my youngest daughter's confusion whether she should like or dislike her brother, my son's psychotic breakdown and 10 day stay in the mental hospital, numbers problems with his supported housing, money problems for us, loneliness, alienation, debt collectors at my door, no support from their father.....Jesus Christ, this list is quite long, isn't it???? I think a break is well and truly in order for us all;however, given the current situation and difficulties I can only offer a break for me and my daughters!!!



                               


So I bit the bullet and decided, who cares if I can not afford a holiday? When will I ever be able to afford anything? I have no more gold to sell, the last was sold when I had to entertain our German exchange, and then as sad as it sounds, I had to sell some small items, just to be able to entertain a friend at home! I went completely right brain here and booked flights with all my housekeeping money. Guess what? I booked one way tickets because I could not afford return flights and I could have afforded return coach travel but they were all sold out! So I am hoping my aunt will help me and we can buy some coach tickets  for our journey back home! Also, this is how completely desperate I am to get the hell away from here for a while, I booked our flight despite the fact that my passport that has been sent away to be renewed has not been returned yet!!!! Here we are, 4 days before our flight, no passport, no money, no ride to the airport (though my friend has offered to order a taxi and pay for it),,,,ha ha ha...I am crazy! So, talk about pre holiday stress!

I had to break the news to my son because he needs to appear before the judge for a review on August 18 and I wont be here to support him and help him. Well, the onslaught of criticisms I received and the guilt trip he put me on, not to mention that he certainly knows how to push all the right buttons, was incredible. It did not help that I could see on his eyes that he was high on Etizolam, which he admitted to taking, but corrected me that he is not high, but he is relaxed! I was told how irresponsible I am being, how he needs a break much more than I do because he is the victim in all this, all this that I had caused and created because I did not listen! His life is destroyed and mine is so much better, therefore I should be taking him or giving him a holiday. I am selfish! I felt my blood start to boil, my arms shacking, my head pounding and my heart racing. I was reminded that this was the way I use to live, feeling like that most of the time. Days after that encounter I received phone calls from my son that he needs money etc. He told me that he was so disgusted after our conversation about my impending holiday, he thought me so despicable that he was so upset, he "had to" drink a lot and take the rest of his Etizolam. Now he is feeling ill and fearful for his life because he felt as if he was going to have another seizure due to lack of sufficient alcohol, which he now needs because he took all his etizolam, because he was so upset by me, that I owe it to him to give him money for alcohol....and if I do not, if he dies it will ALL be on my shoulders! I stood my ground, though I felt all the physical affects his behaviour was having on me. However, 4 days of phone calls and txts, I sent him money!

I am sure while on holiday my aunt will want to discuss all my problems. I am sure I will be worried about money and the standard phrase will be, "I don't have money for that". I am sure that my son will try his best to guilt trip me across the miles. I am sure that I will feel the void of not having someone with me to have someone as my equal to talk to, drink with, dance with, laugh with. I am sure I will be worrying about what will await us when we get home. Stress on holiday!

                            

When we arrive home, I will have unpaid bills, I will have to start getting ready for the new school term which means new uniforms, shoes, P.E. kits, dance wear, train passes, ballet fees AND I will also be having a German exchange student coming Sept 28th. I will have the awkwardness of meeting up with my son and probably being put through the same nonsense as before. I will no doubt, being the romantic sentimental fool that I am, be feeling quite sad that there is no one waiting for us, no one expecting us, no one to be with when we come home.

So guess what? I AM TAKING MY DAUGHTERS ON HOLIDAY! Woowhoo! Do you know what? It will create stress, but I do not really give a damn right now. I want to be in the sun, listen to awesome music at an amazing festival! I want to laugh and dance and act stupid with my daughters! I want to see my aunt because you never know when it will be for the last time. I want to eat food that I can only eat in Hungary. I want to escape for a while.

Holidays, like life are far from perfect and comes with their ups and downs, but I am going to forget my troubles the best I can while I am away and have as much fun as I can and I will just deal with all the stress when I come home, as I do all the time anyway for stress is part of my life.

I hope my son will make his probation appointments, his DRR (drug rehabilitation requirement) appointments, his court appointment, while all the time staying alive and safe. He is going to be 20 years old in 6 months, it is time he starts stepping up and learning a bit about taking responsibility for himself. I am not to blame for what happened over the last few years of his life, in fact I do not believe in pointing blame at anyone. It happened and we all had our roles to play, and we should all take an active role in healing, recovery and moving forward.

               

Feeling Low

I am feeling quite sad at the moment, I am not really sure why. I have been thinking too much lately about my life and the feeling of emptiness that I have experienced for much of my 49 years. Maybe emptiness is not the right word, maybe sadness or longing. I am analysing my relationships with my mother, father, past and present friendships, men I love (there are only 2 I fell in love with, though I had many men in my life before I married. Neither of those two men is not my ex husband which is sad in itself, but even sadder is that neither of the 2 men that I loved/love is in the position to have me in their life fully, one was in the past and one is current), my children (there upbringing, their current situations and what their futures hold), my future, my health, my financial situation and my many failures and a few of my successes). All these ponderings leave me with this sensation of emptiness and somehow wanting to fill a void within me and in my life.

                                                        My mother and I before my illness.


I think that maybe some of these feelings stem from the relationship I had with my mother. I adored my mother, so very much. I had a less than typical childhood since I became ill at the age of 7 and spend so much time at home and in the hospital, all the while my mother was by my side, nurturing me, protecting me, loving me, trying to teach me ways to cope with the agony I was going through. At around the age of 10, my symptoms were finally getting under control because of a very high and long term steroid treatment. At last I was able to go back to school, but then a new bag of troubles started, bullying at school because I looked hideous from the steroid treatment, and of course I was isolated even more for having no friends since we had also moved homes around that time. My mother was my rock! She was the only person I could talk to. She helped me get through the hardest periods of my childhood. When I was around 13-14 years old, the bullying was so bad, with threatening phone calls and fears of beatings and threats to end my life that I refused to attend school! My mother's love then became enabling and she allowed me to stay home! So we spent a lot of time together, and even though I completely disagree with the fact that she let me stop going to school, and I never finished high school, I do still so admire her love for me.

                                                    Me during my Prednisolone treatment.


She did try to help me later when I was 16 and enrolled me in driving school so that I could get my license since I was not getting my driver's education, as I would have done if I remained in school. Then she tried to help me find work, she accepted my dream to be a model and paid for modelling school and an expensive portfolio and took me to various assignments and appointments. We even tried to run a small business together, and when all that failed she was very supportive when I signed up to our local community college when I was 18. After nearly 2 years at our local college, my real dreams started to formulate. I loved being a student! I wanted to learn and I wanted to study psychology and eventually be a practising psychologist. My mother helped me as much as she could in the early days of college, since I had virtually no high school education to apply to my classes and assignments. So she studied with me! Finally I did not need that support from her as my confidence grew as I was receiving good grades and I started to immerse myself in academia.

My dreams were such that I would need to attend university. I nervously applied to three and one was the ultimate dream, UCLA! I was overjoyed when I got accepted to all three schools! My mother and I cried tears of joys after remembering what hard times I went through to get to where I was! It was wonderful, my dreams were starting to come through and I would make my future bright as well as giving back  to my mother the love and care she always bestowed upon to me! I was feeling happy. My UCLA days were some of the happiest days in my life and my mother was so very proud!

Then a terrible unforeseen event happened; my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis was by chance during a routine gall bladder surgery. I was the only one in the hospital waiting room when I was told the terrible news. Not only was I told she had cancer but that it was inoperable and she had about 3 months to live! That was the beginning of my dreams, as well as life as I knew it, crumbling down upon me.
I did lose my mother, 6 months later. I took her to her chemo and radiation appointments. I cared for her and nursed her and towards the end gave her more liquid morphine than she was allowed because she was screaming out in pain as well as withdrawals, and having hallucinations as she was wanting more and more and more! She died from a morphine induced coma and I was the only one there by her side, I tried to study during that long restless night as I had final exams the following day. Eventually sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I was next to my beloved mother as she drew her finally big breath of air, as if she was about to go under water, then she was gone.


                                   

                                 
I now realise that ever since then, I have NEVER been anyone's priority. I was my mother's priority much of the time because of my illness and the subsequent problems it created in my life. This priority did cause resentment within my sister, but that was not my mother's intention, for I remember many times when she too was my mother's priority! All I want, all I have ever wanted was to be someone's priority. This I wanted from the men in my life and I have never ever felt that from any man. Now at my age I realise that I will never have such a love in my life and this makes me feel very, very sad indeed. I am not saying I will never be loved, but I will never be anyone's priority because once we have children our priority will always be our children.

                                           
                                   
My children are obviously my priority, but sometimes I think why? Doesn't that sound horrible? But then tonight in my support group I heard 2 different women say basically the same thing. I heard one say that she is starting to feel that she does not want her children to go on holiday with her, she wants to go alone, she does not want her kids...obviously she does not honestly feel she does not want her kids any more, but there are fleeting moments when you feel like, "I just want to be a person without my kids"! Another woman said that sometimes she wished she would get into an accident, just so she could have a break from her kids in the hospital! And we are not talking young children, young children may be physically draining, but older children can sometimes drain your spirit!

Today I saw my son, who has been my priority for 19 years! My ex husband never felt this sense of priority. He continued with his life, his socializing with his friends, going away on his own holidays, weekends away, night's out, overnight stays, laziness at home, not caring for his children etc. It hurt me that my son was so disrespectful to me today and it comes so easily to him to try to blame me, control me, hurt me. I felt so stupid, I wish I had a better word to describe myself, but stupid is the only word that I can use. Stupid because I have made my children my one and only priority for all these years and yet my only son finds it so acceptable to treat me the way he does. He does not treat me this way most of the time any more, but that is probably because he is not living at home and we do not spend that much time together as we did when he was at home. I left feeling all wound up and on edge, with my heart thumping in my chest and feeling agitated and snappy with others.

                                     

I hated being told how everything is wrong in his life and that it is all my fault. I told him that I might go away for a short holiday break, and then he started demanding that he is the one who deserves a break, not me. My life apparently always works out and is better than his, and if I would have listened to him in the first place and did as I was told there would have never been any trouble and he would still be enjoying life doing what he enjoys doing, but I took everything away from him. When I asked him if it was ok for his father and or his grandparents to have breaks and holidays he said yes it is but I can not go away unless I provide a holiday for him as well since I am the one who created so many problems! Lovely, at least I did not have to listen to him calling me a f****** c*** over and over again like I use to when he lived at home!

Then later in the evening, as I mentioned above,  I went to my support group for parents who are "suppose to" have children with drug problems. I say, "suppose to", because, well I am sorry, but living with a son who goes to work, has friends, has some decent hobbies and generally behaves himself, but he likes to smoke a bit of weed from time to time, is not a child with a drug problem. OK, I am feeling quite self obsessed and maybe a bit of self pity is playing on my thoughts today. . Another member who just started our group today is another one who says her son only smokes weed, but he has very abusive behaviour towards her. I feel a lot of these parents who may have badly behaved children, with some underlying issues and they have challenging situations at home, but I do not see smoking a bit of weed as being a drug problem. Cannabis is different than it use to be, I know that, and I am sure that smoking weed on top of underlying issues and aggressive personalities will make life worse rather than easier, but I feel that somehow there should be another group that I should be in! I know my son has many underlying issues, but he was never, up until maybe 3-4 years ago, badly behaved, but he has a major drug problem with several very dangerous drugs. But I walked away from group tonight feeling like an alien, I did not feel I belonged in the group and in fact tonight I had very little to contribute and felt an unnecessary member. I also left the group being reminded about this "priority" dilemma I am feeling. Out of the 8 people in attendance, I felt again, this self pitying feeling of, "I have no one really by my side who I can lean on when I need to. No one who is in my life who is part of it. You know, I am talking partner, parents, siblings, that many people do seem to have to talk to and get comfort from. I came home feeling that I was very alone and I am not sure why exactly as half of the people are single parents and a few are going through some really tough times.

                                    

So today I was made to feel quite unnerved by my son. I was reminded of what my life was like on a daily basis and I do not know how I coped for so long like that. I was also told by my son, who was feeling suitably "relaxed" (his way if describing being on something) on Etizolam, that it would be far better for him physically, emotionally, financially to be on his etizolam regularly and that the money he would save on not buying as much alcohol would be a great way to start saving money and that he generally feels so much better this way and he does not understand why I am so resistant to accept this. He also explained that he had a chat with one of his workers at the drug rehabilitation appointments that he does not intend to give up all drugs and what would happened if after his requirement is met ,he was found out to be taking legal highs or benzos he purchased on line. Well good news for my son is that they said nothing would happen, under the eyes of the law it would be an improvement from what he was doing when he got arrested, and that they are not illegal!

So my precious boy who I loved and adored and brought up so very well can sit eating the doughnuts and tea I bought him, while he was talking to me in an emotionally abusive tone and tells me he has no intention of giving up on his drugs. I am so tired of telling him that this is his opportunity to start moving forward because one day he will realise the life he is living now, is not what he wants to be doing. He does not want to change his life, but I do not want to watch and wait until he does; however, I do not want to have him out of my life, I love him too much!

Sorry, I am having a shit day. I am feeling alone and like things will never change, though I know they have changed in subtle ways already, it is sometimes easy to lose your focus. Maybe I am getting impatient and greedy. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy and thriving in a healthy lifestyle. I want someone to love me and be there for me without any restrictions. I want to be free to express myself without fear of being judged or losing those I love. I want to be free from financial worries to do things that make me feel happy. I have waiting so very long for these things and I am getting tired of waiting.

                                             

I am very low in mood and I do not like writing such posts that come across as "woe is me" but sometimes we all feel like this and it does help to get it out and since I can not sit down and talk to someone whenever I need to, I sit down and talk to people through my computer and hope that someone who will read this will "get me" and also the sheer fact that I have somehow purged these thoughts and formulated them into words in my blog helps me work through my complex emotions.

Tomorrow is another day as they say,  and we can only hope that tomorrow will be better, when we are feeling less than happy today!

Catching Up

Life has gotten crazy and hectic and I have not written for a long, long time! I feel somewhat guilty that life was so overwhelming that I have not been on blogger or Google + for so many weeks, so much so that I am hesitant to look at all the many notifications waiting my responses! So the first matter of hand is to apologise for my neglect. I am especially ashamed at a fellow writer was waiting for my contribution to her exciting forthcoming book, which I was so excited about as well, then my health got in the way.

For now the main objective of mine is to briefly mention what sort of issues has predominated my life and resulted in my MIA! Then hopefully the following days will allow me time to go into more in-depth thought and discussions about each of the issues.

                             

Firstly, as I mentioned the reason that I let my friend down in regard to contributing to her upcoming book, was due to my health. I have lived with ulcerative colitis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ulcerative_colitis) all my life with different levels and periods of remission and flair ups. I have annual colonoscopies which include a large number of biopsies which are looking for precancerous cells. This last colonoscopy showed that my condition has worsened over the last year, despite me not feeling worse! I did however become more ill after the test, probably because the preparation of the exam irritated my colon. The biopsies are not back yet, so I hope that they will come back negative. In the meantime I need to decide whether or not to follow my consultants advise and start taking immune suppressant drugs. I am not too keen on the idea to be honest.

As far as my son's court case, it is still unresolved and unfortunately I have been called as a witness by the prosecution. This is very upsetting for both my son and I. It is also very upsetting that the next court date on June 9th will more than likely be nothing more than a few words said and another date set, as I was told that I do not need to attend that date. This seems to indicate that the matter will not be resolved for quite some time yet, giving us no sense of closure or accepting the consequences because my son, and I as well, feel as if we are in limbo until we know the outcome and what the future holds for him.

My son also had a breakdown, drug induced psychosis, delirium from alcohol...whatever you want to call it or blame it on, the  result was my son being put in a secured mental health hospital for 11 days. It was a terrible experience to witness him while lost in a world of his hallucinations and paranoia.

While all this was going on I also had a German exchange student staying with us for 10 days and 3 days after she went home, my daughter went to Germany for 10 days!

Things are settling down. I need to start organising my thoughts and time now. I hope to reconnect with all my regular readers as well as catch up on what has been going on with everyone else!

Friends, Family.....Forever?

I am a hopeless romantic and a kid at heart. I want life to be fair and for love to last forever! I am not ashamed to admit it and I think I will never change no matter how old I get. I think everyone deserves to be happy and I think everyone should be treated well and that we should all try to help people and people who don't  treat others well should get their just dues.



I often wonder what makes something, a relationship, last forever? We often think of expressions like "blood is thicker than water" but then I know that sometimes people sever ties with their blood relatives and form lasting relationships with friends that are stronger than the ones with family. Sometimes friends are fickle and only transient and other times a long standing friendship can no longer survive over what seems trivial.

As I said,  I am a hopeless romantic. I always have been from an early age and will die a hopeless romantic. I believe in fighting for the things you believe in and standing by people's in the toughest of times. I believe that living in hardship is better than living a superficial and shallow life that is based on dishonesty. I believe in giving everything for the people you love, sacrificing and putting yourself out. I believe in true love and soul mates and that sometimes it takes a lifetime to find that person and you may have a short time together but that is ultimately better than never having found them at all. I know we do not and can not live forever and that everything must one day end, but I still believe in that romantic notion of forever.

                                       
I look back at various relationships in my life and some have lasted and some have not. Usually the first relationship we ever have is the one we share with our mother. As an infant it is more often than not the mother who spends nearly all of her time with the baby, caring for them, holding them, talking to them, feeding them etc. I adored my mother and was fortunate to have a really good relationship with her. When I would dream of my future, my mother was always in the dream somewhere. Those dreams, like many, were never realised due to her premature death just after she had her 52nd birthday. She was gone, out of my life and no longer a part of my future; however, she is in my life forever.

The relationship I had with my father and sister was not quite the same and I would say that we went through some turbulent times. My sister and I were like most siblings who had their moments of cruelty and arguments, some of which turned physical. We also had times when we were friends and played together or hung out together. Unfortunately around the time that my mother's cancer was diagnosed the relationship between my mother and sister was not on very good terms largely because of the relationship my sister was in at the time. The strain was eventually felt within my relationship with my sister and eventually about a year or so after my mother passed I felt it necessary to stop having contact with her, but it did not last more than a year or two. Today we are such good and close sisters and though we hardly see each other due to the great geographical distance between us, we chat nearly every day on line and when those wonderful occasions happens that we are together we can talk endlessly and laugh randomly and infectiously like children!

                             

My father and I had more issues and we also severed our relationship and did not see each other or speak to each for about 7 years. Within that time was also the time that I decided to leave everything; my friends, sister, my belongings, my memories and my familiarity, to start something new somewhere else. My father also started a new life with a woman only a couple of years older than me. After my new life in London with a husband and a two year old child I decided to go back to L.A. for a visit but had no intentions of seeing my father, to me that relationship was damaged forever and it was gone forever. Upon my arrival at L.A.X with my very sleepy 2 year old snoozing in my arms I was greeting by my sister and her husband, a very good friend and unbeknownst to me, my father and my half sister who I had never met and was now was around 7 years old, were also waiting there for me at the airport. Years had passed, wounds had nearly healed and I was a mother now which all made my reaction to seeing my father there much more pleasant than I would have thought possible. When I was returning home from that visit and everyone said their goodbyes at the airport, my father whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry".  We started a fresh start and in the next 10-12 years we grew closer and closer until he came to stay with me and his three grandchildren when he died here only a month later. That was about 6 years ago now. Grandpa had became a part of our lives and I will remember him forever, in fact everything before that reunion and his new role as a grandfather are not as important as all the memories I have of him later in life. So with my father I experienced a time when I thought forever meant never having him in my life, to forever remembering those fond memories of him with my children and times spent together.

My friendship and other family relationships have been all over the show. Some relatives get weird as they age and think of who is there for them in terms of physical presence and practical help. They start to think of who will inherit and who will not. Sometimes relationships have been frayed because of the lack of honesty or commitment. Sometimes money interferes and damages  trust. Sometimes broken promises are too many and too often to withstand the test of time. Some people have showed that they are ultimately selfish and care more about themselves or being treated as the centre of attention to have the capacity to stay around "forever". Other friends and family understand that shit happens and life gets in the way and distance occurs but that the bond can not be lessened and time may pass and difficulties experienced but the relationship survives.

During my controlling marriage in a new country I did not have many opportunities to make friends and build relationships. In fact the couple of times that I did, there was fault found in them by my husband and he would never give me the freedom to have my own social life. As we already had a small child when we were married and no one to provide any childcare, if he went out then I obviously could not. It took me a very long time after we split up to build relationships and though I thought I had a few acquaintances that could grow into true friendships, these all these proved to be superficial and transient.

Even though the last 5 years have seen more social activity in my life, the strain of having all the problems with my son's serious drug/law/behaviour issues as well has financial strain and how this has all impeded on my daughter's lives has created a somewhat less than social butterfly mentality within me. A few friends have found it hard to understand and eventually there are more and more plans cancelled, lack of interest in making plans or sensitive feelings which makes me wonder how long they will last, since one or two friendships in the past year or two have ended completely.

I accept that feelings change and people do sometimes change as well, and that sometimes relationships do not last or their purpose is transitional. I have many good memories of people who have come and gone for a purpose or when one of us had to move on. I guess what I get annoyed about is that when people are less than honest about feelings or their current position or circumstances and then that creates so much fuss that did not need to happen. Sometimes we meet people who inevitably are false and though sometimes that can be obvious, other times it is not and when we learn the truth it hits us quite hard.

                                                  
 
My children have been hurt by each other and by family and friends. They have learned already that many relationships do not hold up under pressure. I can not predict whether the relationships between each of them will stand the test of time and if they will hold on to their love one day or forever, but I do hope that the pain they have felt will most definitely not last forever.

I may not have a large circle of family and friends, but some of the ones who are, actually most of the ones who are in that circle, I know that I will indeed love them forever. The one most definite thing in my life that will last forever in my life is me. I have to feel good about how I live and what I can do for my family and friends and others. I will remain my children's mother forever and one thing, no matter what, I can say with my head held up high that I am a good mother and I have absolutely no doubt that ALL of my children love me very much and if they hold on to my love and remember that even when I am gone, than I know I did something good that indeed will last forever.

So, as it is Mother's Day tomorrow here in the UK, I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day whether it will be tomorrow or next month! Take pride in knowing how much you are loved and that a mother's love is indeed forever!


                

Hospital, Drugs, Court and Sunny Sundays....Just a Normal Week!

A saga is defined as:  a long complicated series of related, usually negative events. Well it seems life for my family has been a saga!  Having experienced my son's drug problems and all the chaos it brought into our lives, as well as having police in my home on more than one occasion, the police investigation, making my first born child homeless, and now having had him in hospital for a grand mal seizure due to drugs or alcohol we are now faced with his charges and his court date. The saga is just that, a saga. That is just one part of our sage. Do sagas ever end though? If so, do they ever end well?

                           

My son was in hospital for 2 days after suffering a seizure at a "friend's" house and having had the paramedics take him to ER. According to my son this seizure was due to alcohol withdrawal. I am dubious whether it was indeed from alcohol withdrawal or from something else. I do not know if I will ever know. Sadly, I was not notified of my son's admission into the hospital until nearly 24 hours after his seizure. When my son was being discharged I offered to collect him from the hospital not only for his safety and well being but also to give me the opportunity to  speak to staff at the hospital for myself and ascertain what had happened to my son and what they advice. Unfortunately, even after spending 3 hours at the hospital I was unable to get any information at all!

Monday my son and I had contact. Tues I was meant to call him, but did not feel up to it. Tues evening he had a seizure. Wed I phoned, first time no answer, second time we spoke and he told me he was in hospital. Thursday I picked him up and took him for lunch and took him home. Friday I visited him and the post delivered his police charges. Today, I txted him twice, no response so a short phone call revealed he is fine and with his new "friends" and not at home. He is alive! I am tired! Life goes on.

I have always known that my son is compromising his health and his life, I am still so aware of it and now it seems to becoming more apparent to others and maybe even to himself. He knows he could have died, but it still did not make him want to stop. He has finally admitted to me that the last 3-4 years he has never been completely clean from everything...this I knew and I was always so annoyed when he said he was! He says he is always safe, but that is a false sense of security. He is back on the poppies and his "friends" are alcoholics and drug users using a variety of things but mainly the so called "legal highs", crack, heroin, prescription meds, morphine....The so called friend who he stays with often had the nerve to be txting me after I had found out my son was in hospital about how worried she is about him that he is going to die if he does not stop this and that needs to get into a recovery program. Hell-lo honey, I know that, thank you! Get yourself sorted too!

Now before I get into the mind frame of having a go at these so called "friends" (who have been brilliant, by the way, and done so much more for him than I have according to my son) lets move on to the next issue we are faced with : the police charges!

Now mind you, I have absolutely no experience with police investigations, charges, criminal court etc, so this is all new to me and I do not know how to react since I have nothing to compare it to. I do not know if the charges are excessive or not, it the type of court we are going to is good or not and I certainly have no idea what to expect in terms of the punishment the court will set for him. I am very much in the dark here as to how to react or gauge it all.

My son has been charged with 9 separate charges:

• Production of a Class B drug Methaqualone
• Possession of a Class B drug Amphetamine
• Possession of a Class B drug Cannabis
• Possession of a Class B drug JWH-018
• Possession of a Class B drug JWH-073
• Possession of a Calss B drug JWH-250
• Possession of a Class A drug Acetylpsilocin
• Possession of a Class A drug DMT
• Possession of a Class C drug Medazepam (1 tablet)

                                                

Now I am sure many of you are not familiar with most of these drugs, my son is not your typically drug user. Most Americans will remember the term Quaaludes, that is the first on the list. The JWH drugs are the so called "Legal Highs" that use to be legal but are no longer legal! They are synthetic forms of cannabinoids used for smoking.

If anyone is interested in more information one these here are some links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JWH-018

http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=86290

https://www.erowid.org/chemicals/spice_product/spice_product_law.shtml

Next on the list is Acetylpsilocin, that is a synthetic pschoatic drug.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O-Acetylpsilocin

https://www.erowid.org/chemicals/4_acetoxy_dmt/4_acetoxy_dmt.shtml

DMT is similar and is:  "N,N-Dimethyltryptamine is a psychedelic compound of the tryptamine family. When ingested, DMT acts as an intense hallucinogenic drug." 

http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showwiki.php?title=DMT


                                   

The last on the list is actually quite humorous in that it is one pill, one lousy pill! It is according to Wikipedia:

Medazepam is a drug that is a benzodiazepine derivative. It possesses anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, sedative, and skeletal muscle relaxant properties.

It is known by the following brand names: Nobrium, Rudotel, Raporan, Ansilan and Mezapam.^[1] Medazepam is a long-acting benzodiazepine drug. The half-life of medazepam is 36 – 200 hours.

So, these are the charges. Court is in two weeks, March 21 at 9:00 am at the Magistrates court, not Crown Court, which from what I can tell can possibly be a good thing.

A magistrates' court is a lower court, where all the criminal proceedings start. Also some civil matters are decided here, namely family proceedings. They have been streamlined to swiftly and cheaply deliver justice. There are over 360 magistrates' courts in England and Wales.

Summary offences are smaller crimes, that can be punished under the magistrates' court's limited sentencing powers – community sentences, fines, short custodial sentences. Indictable offences, on the other hand, are serious crimes (rape, murder); if an initial hearing at the magistrates' court finds there is a case to answer, they are committed to (passed on to) the Crown Court, which has a much wider range of punishment. Either-way offences will ultimately fall into one of the previous categories depending on how serious the particular crime in question is.

Cases are heard by a district judge (magistrates' courts) or by a bench of three magistrates (lay judges); there is no jury at a magistrates' court. Criminal cases are usually (although not exclusively) investigated by the police and then prosecuted at the court by the Crown Prosecution Service. The defendant may hire a solicitor (or barrister) to represent him, often paid for by the state.

There are magistrates' courts in other common-law jurisdictions.

                   

Of course my son is now wishing he would have died when he had the seizure because he is certain they will send him to prison, I still cling on to the hope that they will not. I am hoping for a DRR (drug rehabilitation requirement) though it would be forced upon him and not his choice, it may serve him some good, though I know that many people reading this may believe that prison would do him some good.

So life carries on, my son is living his life and living it on his own now but I am still very much a part of his life and worry. I live my life with my perfected smile to the outside world and try to make plans for the future and take care of myself and my daughters. I do the things I need to do, sometimes still burying my head in the sand and procrastinating but never the less I try.

I hope for a better tomorrow, that is my hope every day. I want nothing more for my son to be healthy and safe and recovering,  living a different life. I hope that my girls will not follow our family and will not create their own sagas, I want them to set themselves free of our dysfunctions and our negative learned behaviours and be self confidant and positive in their successful lives. I also hope for some happy carefree days for myself before I get too old!

Tomorrow I shall make phone calls and try to get as much advise as possible for court and talk to my son in the upcoming days until court to try to keep him positive and as sober as possible. I will take him shopping for clothes and shoes to look presentable in court. I will support him as much as I can and continue to hope for the most positive outcome that a situation like this can have.

                   

However, today is Sunday and the sun if finally shining and there are no clouds in the sky and the temperatures are slightly higher. I will go for a nice long walk with my two wonderful and beautiful daughters, not thinking about what is wrong or lacking in my life but rather focusing on what is right. I will cook a delicious Sunday meal, this time some good old fashioned Hungarian comfort food instead of a roast and I will sit at the table with my girls and we will eat and I will drink a glass of wine and we will laugh and be as merry as we can be!