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Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Hospital, Again.

Well, as they saying goes, "You never know what the day has in store for you". I received a phone call yesterday from the probation officer that my son has had a seizure while at his appointment and since I am his next of kin, they have a duty of care to call me and ask if my son could be released into my care. How horrible for a mother to have to explain why her ill son can not come to his family home to be looked after by his mom. I did try my best to briefly explain why I could not be the responsible person and I would prefer him to be taken to the hospital instead.


I was on my way out to town when the call came, I was going to buy some things with my youngest daughter for school as the new term starts tomorrow. So I did a quick run to the shop and dropped the shopping home and was on my way to the hospital.  I had to leave my girls waiting patiently for 3 hours at home while I went to face whatever was waiting for me at the hospital.

 As I sat in the emergency room waiting area, I started to wonder how long this was going to go on for. I could not help but enter the darkness within me which holds on to the fear that one day I will receive a phone call with the ultimate bad news, "we did all we could, we are sorry, but your son could not be revived". One day when I pick up the phone without fear but with frustration and annoyance of  "now what", I may be in for the shock of my life. I hope this will not be the case, ever.

As it turns out my son was honest with the doctor about his drug and alcohol usage; however, the tests showed that it was not a "seizure" it was not drug or alcohol related but it could have been something that looked like a seizure due to low blood sugar! I then asked if there needs to be further tests done to fully determine what had happened. Doctors are just so amusing! I was told that his GP will be sent a report and as one doctor to another he can not tell his GP what to do, so it will be entirely up to the GP what he wants to do next, and so my son was free to go!

That was not as meaningful to me as much as the 2-3 hours I spent with my son. He confirmed that not much has changed for him and he sees no solution whatsoever to his lifestyle. He talked to me about all the "stuff" that is in his head that he does not like and does not want to deal with. He told me that dulling his head and just lulling through the days is the only way he can live. He does not want to be clean and deal and feel all the emotional and complex issues within his mind and spirit. My son also spoke about how displeased he is about his body and all it's problems and that he can never have girlfriend because how could anyone ever love him, if he does not love himself. We spoke about his other anxieties and how he feels inadequate and how he has such an empty life that he could not be able to go clean and face all his issues because it would be too hard, too painful and take too long. He even said that even though he feels like this and that he often wishes he would cease to exist, he does not feel suicidal at all. I get it. I know what he feels, to a certain extent, and I have always thought that these are the reasons he has turned to drugs, and remained on drugs. I still believe with all my heart that things will never move on for my son until he finds some inner strength to face his demons, his insecurities and fears and where they stem from and all the rest of the "stuff" in his head. How though, do you begin this journey when you have developed a way of living that negates doing that? A lifestyle that makes you believe that without the crutch you can not go on, let alone deal with such emotional pain?!


The last time he was in the hospital I learned that his "friends" shot him up a few times. Now I have learned that my son tried to shoot up himself, missed the vein and created a swelled arm filled with etizalam fluid! I have also learned how my son is ok with shooting up this stuff in the muscle! I always feared that he would start shooting up, and I hope that this is a brief stage of further experimentation. I know he hates needles and did not like the experience, but the need for the drug often outweighs any discomfort the process of shooting up brings! !

So, as I was just starting to accept the reality of life, I get a little nudge that you really do not know what tomorrow brings. I will accept my reality and make the most of what I have today and who is in my life at the moment and realise that sometimes you just have to be happy in the moment!

As always, life goes on, we cling on to the hope that tomorrow will be better, we try to think of ways of moving forward and creating a better tomorrow, but we must also not lose sight that those tomorrows may not happen so we must strive to find beauty and happiness and love in each day we are here!