Remembering: What the Addict Doesn't Remember, Those Living With the Addict Will Never Forget

It is always so frustrating when having conversations with my son, because he has trouble with his memory. As with anyone who has ever been drunk, or high, or been with someone while intoxicated, knows that there is quite often a substantial memory loss of events that took place while in such a state!

                     

Unfortunately, for us sober recipients of the addicts fallout, we do not tend to forget quite so easily! When I speak to my son, he seems a bit clueless as too why his sister is so angry, or why I find it hard to trust him or why certain situations brings me such distress (because they trigger unpleasant memories, that my son does not share, because he can remember certain incidences as clearly).

Therefore, it is very hard for everyone involved with an addict to move forward at the same pace as each other, especially at the same pace of the addict.

One of the reasons I did not want to go on vacation with my son this year is because I have very bad memories of the last time we did go on vacation together! I remember him shouting and swearing at my aunt and keeping us awake till the early hours of the morning. I remembering how my son had panic attacks and became aggressive and embarrassing each time we went out for a meal. I remember my son ordering his poppy heads and sending them to my aunt's house so he could continue to brew his poppy tea while away. I remember him not being able to wake up in the mornings and keeping all the rest of us on bated breath. I remember horrible and aggressive arguments at the festival, causing strangers to come to my "rescue" and asking me if they wanted to get "this man" away from me. I remember my son being high and drunk and demanding money from me, to the point in which I was so frustrated that I grabbed the drink from him and threw it at him! I remember looking at him after that incident, and my daughter being angry and anxious that "he" was around and spoiling her vacation, and turning around and seeing him with a beer in hand, smile on his face and dancing around, all alone...he looked like a little boy, happy yet sad because he was alone...I remember feeling so sorry for him, yet also so sorry for my daughter who felt her experience of the concert was "ruined" and my complex confusion and pain that how did this all happen, how did we become so messed up????

My son, does not remember our last vacation in the same way. He does not understand the amount of damage he has done.

               

I tried to explain to him the other day. I tried to remind him that his sister is not simply a little mad at him. I reminded him of all the times he shouted abusive words at her and insulted her and degraded her. I reminded him how he would chase us upstairs at night in the heat of an argument. We would try to escape and he would come and bash on her bedroom door, while I was inside her room. trying with all my strength to hold the door closed. I reminded him of all the illegal activity in our house, we all needed to keep secret. I reminded him of so much and I could see he became a little agitated and he swore it was not that bad.

The fact that he can not remember the past as we remember it makes everything more difficult.I also believe he is also slightly emotionally stunted in as much as he became an addict at such an early age, he has not been through "normal" adolescent development and experiences to give him the emotional maturity to understand other's feelings.

My son wants to go back to "normal". He wants his family back. Sadly he thinks that he can accomplish this, not by becoming clean and earning our trust again, but by buying his sister a very special Christmas present! I was so surprised and saddened by his simplistic thought. He has obviously given this some thought and he wants to make amends, yet he has not been able to empathise with what his sister has gone through and can not understand the extent of her pain. Much of this, I feel, is because he was numb and emotionally absent throughout much of the dramas we witnessed while he was using many drugs in our home.

                                

I am at a loss at the moment how to help us all deal, digest and develop ways to move forward to the ultimate goal (for me) of forgiveness and reconnecting as a family!

Feeling Low

I am feeling quite sad at the moment, I am not really sure why. I have been thinking too much lately about my life and the feeling of emptiness that I have experienced for much of my 49 years. Maybe emptiness is not the right word, maybe sadness or longing. I am analysing my relationships with my mother, father, past and present friendships, men I love (there are only 2 I fell in love with, though I had many men in my life before I married. Neither of those two men is not my ex husband which is sad in itself, but even sadder is that neither of the 2 men that I loved/love is in the position to have me in their life fully, one was in the past and one is current), my children (there upbringing, their current situations and what their futures hold), my future, my health, my financial situation and my many failures and a few of my successes). All these ponderings leave me with this sensation of emptiness and somehow wanting to fill a void within me and in my life.

                                                        My mother and I before my illness.


I think that maybe some of these feelings stem from the relationship I had with my mother. I adored my mother, so very much. I had a less than typical childhood since I became ill at the age of 7 and spend so much time at home and in the hospital, all the while my mother was by my side, nurturing me, protecting me, loving me, trying to teach me ways to cope with the agony I was going through. At around the age of 10, my symptoms were finally getting under control because of a very high and long term steroid treatment. At last I was able to go back to school, but then a new bag of troubles started, bullying at school because I looked hideous from the steroid treatment, and of course I was isolated even more for having no friends since we had also moved homes around that time. My mother was my rock! She was the only person I could talk to. She helped me get through the hardest periods of my childhood. When I was around 13-14 years old, the bullying was so bad, with threatening phone calls and fears of beatings and threats to end my life that I refused to attend school! My mother's love then became enabling and she allowed me to stay home! So we spent a lot of time together, and even though I completely disagree with the fact that she let me stop going to school, and I never finished high school, I do still so admire her love for me.

                                                    Me during my Prednisolone treatment.


She did try to help me later when I was 16 and enrolled me in driving school so that I could get my license since I was not getting my driver's education, as I would have done if I remained in school. Then she tried to help me find work, she accepted my dream to be a model and paid for modelling school and an expensive portfolio and took me to various assignments and appointments. We even tried to run a small business together, and when all that failed she was very supportive when I signed up to our local community college when I was 18. After nearly 2 years at our local college, my real dreams started to formulate. I loved being a student! I wanted to learn and I wanted to study psychology and eventually be a practising psychologist. My mother helped me as much as she could in the early days of college, since I had virtually no high school education to apply to my classes and assignments. So she studied with me! Finally I did not need that support from her as my confidence grew as I was receiving good grades and I started to immerse myself in academia.

My dreams were such that I would need to attend university. I nervously applied to three and one was the ultimate dream, UCLA! I was overjoyed when I got accepted to all three schools! My mother and I cried tears of joys after remembering what hard times I went through to get to where I was! It was wonderful, my dreams were starting to come through and I would make my future bright as well as giving back  to my mother the love and care she always bestowed upon to me! I was feeling happy. My UCLA days were some of the happiest days in my life and my mother was so very proud!

Then a terrible unforeseen event happened; my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis was by chance during a routine gall bladder surgery. I was the only one in the hospital waiting room when I was told the terrible news. Not only was I told she had cancer but that it was inoperable and she had about 3 months to live! That was the beginning of my dreams, as well as life as I knew it, crumbling down upon me.
I did lose my mother, 6 months later. I took her to her chemo and radiation appointments. I cared for her and nursed her and towards the end gave her more liquid morphine than she was allowed because she was screaming out in pain as well as withdrawals, and having hallucinations as she was wanting more and more and more! She died from a morphine induced coma and I was the only one there by her side, I tried to study during that long restless night as I had final exams the following day. Eventually sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I was next to my beloved mother as she drew her finally big breath of air, as if she was about to go under water, then she was gone.


                                   

                                 
I now realise that ever since then, I have NEVER been anyone's priority. I was my mother's priority much of the time because of my illness and the subsequent problems it created in my life. This priority did cause resentment within my sister, but that was not my mother's intention, for I remember many times when she too was my mother's priority! All I want, all I have ever wanted was to be someone's priority. This I wanted from the men in my life and I have never ever felt that from any man. Now at my age I realise that I will never have such a love in my life and this makes me feel very, very sad indeed. I am not saying I will never be loved, but I will never be anyone's priority because once we have children our priority will always be our children.

                                           
                                   
My children are obviously my priority, but sometimes I think why? Doesn't that sound horrible? But then tonight in my support group I heard 2 different women say basically the same thing. I heard one say that she is starting to feel that she does not want her children to go on holiday with her, she wants to go alone, she does not want her kids...obviously she does not honestly feel she does not want her kids any more, but there are fleeting moments when you feel like, "I just want to be a person without my kids"! Another woman said that sometimes she wished she would get into an accident, just so she could have a break from her kids in the hospital! And we are not talking young children, young children may be physically draining, but older children can sometimes drain your spirit!

Today I saw my son, who has been my priority for 19 years! My ex husband never felt this sense of priority. He continued with his life, his socializing with his friends, going away on his own holidays, weekends away, night's out, overnight stays, laziness at home, not caring for his children etc. It hurt me that my son was so disrespectful to me today and it comes so easily to him to try to blame me, control me, hurt me. I felt so stupid, I wish I had a better word to describe myself, but stupid is the only word that I can use. Stupid because I have made my children my one and only priority for all these years and yet my only son finds it so acceptable to treat me the way he does. He does not treat me this way most of the time any more, but that is probably because he is not living at home and we do not spend that much time together as we did when he was at home. I left feeling all wound up and on edge, with my heart thumping in my chest and feeling agitated and snappy with others.

                                     

I hated being told how everything is wrong in his life and that it is all my fault. I told him that I might go away for a short holiday break, and then he started demanding that he is the one who deserves a break, not me. My life apparently always works out and is better than his, and if I would have listened to him in the first place and did as I was told there would have never been any trouble and he would still be enjoying life doing what he enjoys doing, but I took everything away from him. When I asked him if it was ok for his father and or his grandparents to have breaks and holidays he said yes it is but I can not go away unless I provide a holiday for him as well since I am the one who created so many problems! Lovely, at least I did not have to listen to him calling me a f****** c*** over and over again like I use to when he lived at home!

Then later in the evening, as I mentioned above,  I went to my support group for parents who are "suppose to" have children with drug problems. I say, "suppose to", because, well I am sorry, but living with a son who goes to work, has friends, has some decent hobbies and generally behaves himself, but he likes to smoke a bit of weed from time to time, is not a child with a drug problem. OK, I am feeling quite self obsessed and maybe a bit of self pity is playing on my thoughts today. . Another member who just started our group today is another one who says her son only smokes weed, but he has very abusive behaviour towards her. I feel a lot of these parents who may have badly behaved children, with some underlying issues and they have challenging situations at home, but I do not see smoking a bit of weed as being a drug problem. Cannabis is different than it use to be, I know that, and I am sure that smoking weed on top of underlying issues and aggressive personalities will make life worse rather than easier, but I feel that somehow there should be another group that I should be in! I know my son has many underlying issues, but he was never, up until maybe 3-4 years ago, badly behaved, but he has a major drug problem with several very dangerous drugs. But I walked away from group tonight feeling like an alien, I did not feel I belonged in the group and in fact tonight I had very little to contribute and felt an unnecessary member. I also left the group being reminded about this "priority" dilemma I am feeling. Out of the 8 people in attendance, I felt again, this self pitying feeling of, "I have no one really by my side who I can lean on when I need to. No one who is in my life who is part of it. You know, I am talking partner, parents, siblings, that many people do seem to have to talk to and get comfort from. I came home feeling that I was very alone and I am not sure why exactly as half of the people are single parents and a few are going through some really tough times.

                                    

So today I was made to feel quite unnerved by my son. I was reminded of what my life was like on a daily basis and I do not know how I coped for so long like that. I was also told by my son, who was feeling suitably "relaxed" (his way if describing being on something) on Etizolam, that it would be far better for him physically, emotionally, financially to be on his etizolam regularly and that the money he would save on not buying as much alcohol would be a great way to start saving money and that he generally feels so much better this way and he does not understand why I am so resistant to accept this. He also explained that he had a chat with one of his workers at the drug rehabilitation appointments that he does not intend to give up all drugs and what would happened if after his requirement is met ,he was found out to be taking legal highs or benzos he purchased on line. Well good news for my son is that they said nothing would happen, under the eyes of the law it would be an improvement from what he was doing when he got arrested, and that they are not illegal!

So my precious boy who I loved and adored and brought up so very well can sit eating the doughnuts and tea I bought him, while he was talking to me in an emotionally abusive tone and tells me he has no intention of giving up on his drugs. I am so tired of telling him that this is his opportunity to start moving forward because one day he will realise the life he is living now, is not what he wants to be doing. He does not want to change his life, but I do not want to watch and wait until he does; however, I do not want to have him out of my life, I love him too much!

Sorry, I am having a shit day. I am feeling alone and like things will never change, though I know they have changed in subtle ways already, it is sometimes easy to lose your focus. Maybe I am getting impatient and greedy. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy and thriving in a healthy lifestyle. I want someone to love me and be there for me without any restrictions. I want to be free to express myself without fear of being judged or losing those I love. I want to be free from financial worries to do things that make me feel happy. I have waiting so very long for these things and I am getting tired of waiting.

                                             

I am very low in mood and I do not like writing such posts that come across as "woe is me" but sometimes we all feel like this and it does help to get it out and since I can not sit down and talk to someone whenever I need to, I sit down and talk to people through my computer and hope that someone who will read this will "get me" and also the sheer fact that I have somehow purged these thoughts and formulated them into words in my blog helps me work through my complex emotions.

Tomorrow is another day as they say,  and we can only hope that tomorrow will be better, when we are feeling less than happy today!

Friends, Family.....Forever?

I am a hopeless romantic and a kid at heart. I want life to be fair and for love to last forever! I am not ashamed to admit it and I think I will never change no matter how old I get. I think everyone deserves to be happy and I think everyone should be treated well and that we should all try to help people and people who don't  treat others well should get their just dues.



I often wonder what makes something, a relationship, last forever? We often think of expressions like "blood is thicker than water" but then I know that sometimes people sever ties with their blood relatives and form lasting relationships with friends that are stronger than the ones with family. Sometimes friends are fickle and only transient and other times a long standing friendship can no longer survive over what seems trivial.

As I said,  I am a hopeless romantic. I always have been from an early age and will die a hopeless romantic. I believe in fighting for the things you believe in and standing by people's in the toughest of times. I believe that living in hardship is better than living a superficial and shallow life that is based on dishonesty. I believe in giving everything for the people you love, sacrificing and putting yourself out. I believe in true love and soul mates and that sometimes it takes a lifetime to find that person and you may have a short time together but that is ultimately better than never having found them at all. I know we do not and can not live forever and that everything must one day end, but I still believe in that romantic notion of forever.

                                       
I look back at various relationships in my life and some have lasted and some have not. Usually the first relationship we ever have is the one we share with our mother. As an infant it is more often than not the mother who spends nearly all of her time with the baby, caring for them, holding them, talking to them, feeding them etc. I adored my mother and was fortunate to have a really good relationship with her. When I would dream of my future, my mother was always in the dream somewhere. Those dreams, like many, were never realised due to her premature death just after she had her 52nd birthday. She was gone, out of my life and no longer a part of my future; however, she is in my life forever.

The relationship I had with my father and sister was not quite the same and I would say that we went through some turbulent times. My sister and I were like most siblings who had their moments of cruelty and arguments, some of which turned physical. We also had times when we were friends and played together or hung out together. Unfortunately around the time that my mother's cancer was diagnosed the relationship between my mother and sister was not on very good terms largely because of the relationship my sister was in at the time. The strain was eventually felt within my relationship with my sister and eventually about a year or so after my mother passed I felt it necessary to stop having contact with her, but it did not last more than a year or two. Today we are such good and close sisters and though we hardly see each other due to the great geographical distance between us, we chat nearly every day on line and when those wonderful occasions happens that we are together we can talk endlessly and laugh randomly and infectiously like children!

                             

My father and I had more issues and we also severed our relationship and did not see each other or speak to each for about 7 years. Within that time was also the time that I decided to leave everything; my friends, sister, my belongings, my memories and my familiarity, to start something new somewhere else. My father also started a new life with a woman only a couple of years older than me. After my new life in London with a husband and a two year old child I decided to go back to L.A. for a visit but had no intentions of seeing my father, to me that relationship was damaged forever and it was gone forever. Upon my arrival at L.A.X with my very sleepy 2 year old snoozing in my arms I was greeting by my sister and her husband, a very good friend and unbeknownst to me, my father and my half sister who I had never met and was now was around 7 years old, were also waiting there for me at the airport. Years had passed, wounds had nearly healed and I was a mother now which all made my reaction to seeing my father there much more pleasant than I would have thought possible. When I was returning home from that visit and everyone said their goodbyes at the airport, my father whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry".  We started a fresh start and in the next 10-12 years we grew closer and closer until he came to stay with me and his three grandchildren when he died here only a month later. That was about 6 years ago now. Grandpa had became a part of our lives and I will remember him forever, in fact everything before that reunion and his new role as a grandfather are not as important as all the memories I have of him later in life. So with my father I experienced a time when I thought forever meant never having him in my life, to forever remembering those fond memories of him with my children and times spent together.

My friendship and other family relationships have been all over the show. Some relatives get weird as they age and think of who is there for them in terms of physical presence and practical help. They start to think of who will inherit and who will not. Sometimes relationships have been frayed because of the lack of honesty or commitment. Sometimes money interferes and damages  trust. Sometimes broken promises are too many and too often to withstand the test of time. Some people have showed that they are ultimately selfish and care more about themselves or being treated as the centre of attention to have the capacity to stay around "forever". Other friends and family understand that shit happens and life gets in the way and distance occurs but that the bond can not be lessened and time may pass and difficulties experienced but the relationship survives.

During my controlling marriage in a new country I did not have many opportunities to make friends and build relationships. In fact the couple of times that I did, there was fault found in them by my husband and he would never give me the freedom to have my own social life. As we already had a small child when we were married and no one to provide any childcare, if he went out then I obviously could not. It took me a very long time after we split up to build relationships and though I thought I had a few acquaintances that could grow into true friendships, these all these proved to be superficial and transient.

Even though the last 5 years have seen more social activity in my life, the strain of having all the problems with my son's serious drug/law/behaviour issues as well has financial strain and how this has all impeded on my daughter's lives has created a somewhat less than social butterfly mentality within me. A few friends have found it hard to understand and eventually there are more and more plans cancelled, lack of interest in making plans or sensitive feelings which makes me wonder how long they will last, since one or two friendships in the past year or two have ended completely.

I accept that feelings change and people do sometimes change as well, and that sometimes relationships do not last or their purpose is transitional. I have many good memories of people who have come and gone for a purpose or when one of us had to move on. I guess what I get annoyed about is that when people are less than honest about feelings or their current position or circumstances and then that creates so much fuss that did not need to happen. Sometimes we meet people who inevitably are false and though sometimes that can be obvious, other times it is not and when we learn the truth it hits us quite hard.

                                                  
 
My children have been hurt by each other and by family and friends. They have learned already that many relationships do not hold up under pressure. I can not predict whether the relationships between each of them will stand the test of time and if they will hold on to their love one day or forever, but I do hope that the pain they have felt will most definitely not last forever.

I may not have a large circle of family and friends, but some of the ones who are, actually most of the ones who are in that circle, I know that I will indeed love them forever. The one most definite thing in my life that will last forever in my life is me. I have to feel good about how I live and what I can do for my family and friends and others. I will remain my children's mother forever and one thing, no matter what, I can say with my head held up high that I am a good mother and I have absolutely no doubt that ALL of my children love me very much and if they hold on to my love and remember that even when I am gone, than I know I did something good that indeed will last forever.

So, as it is Mother's Day tomorrow here in the UK, I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day whether it will be tomorrow or next month! Take pride in knowing how much you are loved and that a mother's love is indeed forever!


                

Birthday Blues

My son's birthday has hit me harder than I thought. I want to work through all the emotions I am having but it is too difficult.

My son did call me today and we did meet. It was nothing special and we did not have the time to do anything much but argue. He wanted money from me to get his guitar out of the pawnshop. He was not satisfied with the gifts I gave. He was not touched by my gesture of backing him his favourite cake.

We did not hug. We did not kiss each other hello or good bye. We never exchanged any comments containing the words "love", such as "I love you". We did not share anything nice. It hurt. I heard a lot from him I did not want to hear. In the end, as I was giving him a lift, he got out of my car while I was still in the road, he slammed the door with incredible force and anger and then he gave me the middle finger while walking away. That will remain my memory now for quite some time.

Last year my son turned 18 and he was using a lot of drugs, treating me and his sisters very aggressively, stealing from me, partaking in illegal activities in my home. Yet we managed some "normal" times.  I did not make a great celebration of his momentous 18 birthday. In fact I did not even buy him a gift. I did take him out for dinner with his sisters. I was very sad and frustrated during the time, now, however, I am mortified how much worse things are after a year's time. Each year I keep feeling this and I am so terrified what will be in another year's time.

I seem to have lost my strength and I no longer believe that this is all due to the "evils" of drugs. It is because of me.  I have failed him. I could not give him what he needed, I could not protect him from the emotional pain his father enforced on him. I could not provide a nicer environment and a larger support network to somehow compensate for the lack of fatherly love.  I did not push getting help in the very days because I was arrogant or naive enough to believe that my love will cure all. I enabled him too long when his behaviour did finally become uncontrollable. I made him homeless which is where he met these people who are now his core support system who are encouraging drink and drugs. Today after feeling so alone and so hurt, I realise....I have no one to blame but myself and I have let my baby down.

I am a blubbering wreck at the moment and I do not think I can take this much longer. At this moment in time I feel like I wish someone could perform a lobotomy on me because I am too weak to do any more, I can not bear any more pain and disappointment and worry. All I want is to be emotionless.

I adored that boy so much. I had such pride and faith and belief in him, as he did in me. I could not take enough photos of him to record every beautiful moment.

I am sorry this is not much of a post, it is not informative or interesting. It is a very sad post of a woman alone who has lost her son to drugs and through it all never stopped believing she will someday get that son back. I think the woman is losing the battle and is getting very tired.

I do not have the strength to get out all the photos, scan them and record my beautiful, fun, loving and spirited little boy growing up...but here are few of my memories I want to share.

All photos copy write of Susan Mansfield.

Happy Days

Lately I find myself going down memory lane, looking at photos of happier times and remembering.


                                                     

Remembering back as far as my own childhood and recalling the dreams I had while growing up. My dreams varied of course depending mostly on my age at the time and what my interests were at that time as well. I can remember wanting to be all sorts of things. When I was very small I use to dream of becoming a doctor and going to places in Africa with suitcases full of medicines to help people who really needed it, and of course seeing beautiful wildlife at the same time! If that failed then I could be a ballerina, oh I was so very young then! Later my dreams shifted to things like being a special affects make up artist in the film industry or a model (well we did live near Hollywood so of course these types of dreams came into play)! As I grew older I had dreams of becoming a writer and then finally I put my academic efforts into psychology so that I may one day become a child psychologist.

                                                                (My modelling days!)

Throughout all those years and varied interests and dreams, one thing remained constant as I envisioned my future; I wanted more than anything to be a mother. As a very young child (probably around 7-8) I began putting away some favourite toys and clothes so that my children may one day have them. I still have some and I indeed have given them to my own children. I dreamt of having a large family, always feeling as if we lacked something in our very small family, with all my grandparents, aunt and uncles and cousins living thousands of miles away. So naturally being a little girl dreaming of a large family, I wanted 6 children! I also wanted to marry an Italian "knowing" that they love family! As I grew into my teens I thought 6 was not a realistic goal, 4 would be nice, but still with an Italian husband because Italians are often very handsome (less focus on family values and more interest in looks now)! By the time I hit my 20's I knew my life would be empty without children and I was no longer concerned with how many or with whom for that matter, I wanted to be a mother, and hopefully before I turned 30.

When I was 29 my only life's dream and my most important, had become a reality. I was pregnant and I was going to be a mother. I looked in the mirror and watched tears of joy stream done my face after I took my 2nd pregnancy test. I was going to be a mommy! My greatest dream had been fulfilled! It didn't matter that I was working as a nanny and not a great doctor or writer or psychologist. It didn't even matter when I discovered that the father was not so keen on becoming a father. All that mattered was that I was carrying a beautiful, precious life inside me and I was going to love that baby more than anything else I had ever loved in my life!

When my 1st born was born, I remember being taken to our hospital room when we were finally all cleaned up and seen to after the delivery. It was in the very early hours of the morning, say about 2, since my son was born at 12:07 am. I lay in my hospital bed holding my little sweetheart and both of us were wide awake and we both gazed into each other's eyes for hours! We loved each other straight away! Finally at about 5 am we drifted off into sleep as we continued to look at each other with so much love.

I LOVED being a mother just as I always dreamed I would. My son and I were lucky to have had nearly the first 5 years of his life bonding and building a strong relationship and experiencing so much joy and discovery before my next child came along.


                               
                                       
                                                   (My son and I, when he was nearly 2)

Each time I was pregnant I thought it to be the best experience a woman could have. Carrying my children, giving them birth, caring for them, loving them....that is something that I have dreamt of since being a very little girl. That dream being realised was amazing and wonderful. All my other aspirations fell out the window and in all intents and purposes I have really f****d up my life, but having children, that, I will never regret.

My little boy was amazing and we did so much together: playing, reading, crafts, painting, singing, nature walks, swimming, talking, cuddling...going to places together like museums, play groups, libraries, parks, playgrounds, and so on. If my son showed an interest in something I quickly helped him to develop that interest and he was in those early years an expert in dinosaurs, space, geology and trains.

                                 

We read a lot and one of his favourite books when he was very small was "Guess How Much I love You". In the book the mother and baby say things like, "I love you to the tips of my ears, and back". The baby says,  "I love you to the moon" and mom says, "I love you to the moon, and back".  My son and I use to incorporate so many of his favourite things to express our love. We would say things like, "I love you to the end of the train line, and back", or "I love you to Pluto and back", and "I love you to infinity, and back" and so on. We would try to out do each other because we both felt like we loved the other more than they knew.


                                          

My son was a very happy boy and would even have happy dreams laughing out loud in his sleep. I would go and check on him late at night and fix his covers while he lay sound asleep and I'd whisper, "I love you" in his ear. While still asleep he would say "I love you too" back to me.

He loved to hold my hand while we walked, he helped me with household chores, we played or singed together while doing so. He would help me cook, often with all his Thomas the Tank trains by his side helping him! We would have indoor picnics while it rained outside, have lava lamp discos, and lazy Saturday mornings in bed together watching cartoons. It was wonderful!

I knew my boy was very clever and very sensitive and full of love. I of course, like many proud moms had high hopes for him.....little was I to know what the future would hold and this is where I will end because I do not want to taint these beautiful moments with what became our reality.