The last few days I have been wondering why am I writing this Blog? Is it because I feel sorry for myself and desire sympathetic comments? No, not really. Is it because I am being self righteous and want everyone to believe that I am the perfect parent who has been given a raw deal? Absurdity! Is it because I want to portray addicts as bad people who have nobody but themselves to blame? Absolutely not. Do I want to preach? No I do not. Do I want to feel like I am the victim of my son's addiction and mental issues. No, I think we are all victims but also we are trying to find solutions to put an end to that.
Do I enjoy writing and need a productive outlet for the unbelievable amount of perplexing and intense emotions I am being overloaded with? Absolutely, I need a way to organise my thoughts and life events in order to stay focused and sane. Am I writing to let parents know that any one can become an addict and we are not alone. I need a way to vent and ask questions as well, since I do not have others in my life who can identify with our plight. I do not attend ant AL-ANON meetings because the timing of those meetings do not suit me, so here I can achieve similar support. I wanted to start the blog also in the hopes of getting advise or hearing other people's stories on how addiction affected them or their family. Ultimately, as corny as it sounds, I started writing this blog to help myself, maybe help others and hopefully find a way to help my son.
I do not think their is any preaching or victimising going on here. I do not think that I am ignorant or conservative with regard to drugs and addictions. I most certainly do not think I am the perfect parent, there is no such thing. Do I think my son is a horrible human being and I would be better off without him? Well, I hope my pain is evident that that is certainly not so.
When I said earlier that I was hoping to get advice and support, I wasn't only hoping for comments from people living or have lived with an addict, I was also hoping and wanting to hear from addicts and hear their views. One thing that my son accuses me of is true, I do not understand what it feels like to be an addict. This may be very obvious for addicts who may have read my blog and I do not mean to be upsetting in any of my remarks. However, one of the things that my son also does not understand is what it feels like to be a parent of an addict, especially such a young addict and being an observer to his downward spiral right before my eyes. The fact that he was my pride and joy and I never had a bad thing to say about him, I adored him and he was such a loving and giving and happy boy and now I feel he is lost, as I am sure he feels he himself is lost, is a pain my son can not understand at the moment. Though at the moment my son's world revolves around his addiction he does also not understand that I can no longer have my world revolve around him, I have two younger daughters aged 13 and 8 who need me and who also deserve to be living in a more nurturing and happy environment than the one they are living in now. Ironically the more I try to explain this to my son, the more rejected he feels and the more hated he feels from us all.
Perhaps I do not write a very positive blog. Perhaps I do not offer information backed up by facts, research and statistics. One thing I do offer though is my honesty, my raw emotions, my day to day upheavals as well as informative aspects that we have learned first hand (i.e. the importance of good male role models and their absence, how abusive and addictive behaviour patterns are repeated within families, how any substance can be obtained over the internet, how to make opium after buying poppy pods etc.).
I am writing my blog as my children and I are living this horrendous life of addiction and one day I hope I can write on how we overcame addiction. While I was pondering why I write, I was also wondering if I should continue. I will continue, so in the meantime, I write as life happens and at the moment it is a roller-coaster ride! Please bear with me and keep your comments coming because I appreciate all of them!