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Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Feeling Pessimistic

I can't help myself from being pessimistic.

After my son's accident Sunday and his paranoid episode in which he was convinced that we were trying to kill him with acid, I gave my son a choice Monday: call the drug/alcohol clinic to discuss his options or leave the house by nightfall. Tensions were very high and talking to each other was unpleasant as usual, yet my son did not waste too much time and called the key worker at the drug clinic he felt most comfortable with. Though my son just wanted to have a quick chat on the phone, he was asked to come and meet up on neutral territory, a local cafe. My son agreed. He had 2 hours to get ready and I said I would give him a lift. Same old anxieties, control and disrespect from my son meant he took his time and was late, but he made it!

About an hour later my son called asking if I could pick him up. We talked, tension on my part still there, but he told me about the out patient rehab facility that he was just told about. He would have to be drug free, and drug tests are preformed every day to ensure that patients do not go home in the evenings and use any substances. While my son told me about what they talked about he of course had his digressions as usual and began talking about various diazapam brands, effects, chemical compositions, brain receptors etc..

This is a standard practice of my son. To avoid discussing the emotional aspects of his addictions or how we can start moving forward, he always deflects the matter at hand. Never wanting to discuss how the drugs have damaged his life and relationships he will spend hours talking about how opiates work on what area of the brain receptors, and then compares it to how other substances work on the brain and it never ends. He enjoys using the proper chemical names and the chemistry of drugs making himself feel superior over me.

Back to discussing rehab! So, it sounds good, but he can not get in until after Christmas! Four months!! In the interim he needs to attend regular sessions with two key workers. He needs to stay off the opiates. He needs to go to the GP and discuss his benzo use and possibly be prescribed anti anxiety medication rather then benzos off the internet. (This always starts an argument though because the anti anxiety drugs do not act the same way as benzos on the brain and therefore my son has always been against them). If he is on anti anxiety, or even if he fails to do this and stays on benzos, he will have to begin  tapering his usage. First thing though, as always, there is a substantial amount of paper work and the application along with his personal statement needs to be put in front of the NHS funding board and a space needs to also be allocated for him.

Sounds great, HOWEVER, once home my son rushes to the computer to buy more benzos! He continues to be disrespectful and argumentative and emotionally abusive. He continues to be lazy and selfish and not part of the family. I therefore wonder is he serious about this or did he sense my seriousness about putting him out so he agreed to rehab as his "get out clause" of being kicked out onto the streets? I really wonder.

As the evening progressed my son was his usual horrible self at times and always retorted with, "you can't kick me out, I did what you wanted" and "I can't change my behaviour overnight" "You guys need to change",  etc.. Well I think that picking up ones rubbish from the communal living space, taking part in family chores and not shouting obscenities to your mother or younger sisters is not huge, I would be happy if I saw signs that he was trying in just ONE of those areas!

After his beers he fell asleep on the sofa and was still there in the morning with all his mess scattered around the floor and sofa and table. Despite my efforts and my increasing anger he did not respond and stayed as he was. My daughters and I eventually went out in the late morning, and when we came home in the late afternoon all the mess was still everywhere, but my son got himself up to go to his room and sleep!

How , oh how, can I find the right perspective to praise him for agreeing to rehab while it is still so damn difficult to live with him!? He verbally attacked me when he said the key worker he spoke to praised him for coming off opiates for 6 days on his own. I have never ever done that, he told me in many abusive words. I asked him if he told the key worker that he stole from my bank account to buy the substances that helped him stay off opiates? Or how he attacked us because he was convinced that we are trying to kill him? How about the police incident the other week? No, he does tell these stories. That is why it is so difficult to use any positive reinforcement with my son, though I know that therapeutically that is what he needs.

The worst part about yesterday, and something I can not share with anyone out loud but feel safe in saying it here....I realised that I was in a way disappointed that he did make that phone call and that he did meet with the key worker, and that he did say "ok" to rehab. The sad, sick truth is that a part of me wanted him to reject my ultimatum because a part of me wanted him to leave last night. How is that for this loving mother who claims to want to help her son? I felt so desperate that I just wanted all this to end. I am not always "strong", I am human and have my failings.