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Friday, 23 August 2013

Life, as I Live It

I woke this morning to my son sleeping in a position that I assume he fell into while sleeping on a chair and slipped off. In the middle of our living room, around him his glass of beer, food meant to be eaten, his bong and mess surrounding him. He can not be woken.

His sisters bounded down the stairs full of energy to have breakfast and watch their morning cartoons. As soon as they saw what lay awaiting them on the floor, I could actually see their energy draining out of them and it being replaced with disappointment and contempt. No longer did they speak or smile and they sat down to watch their cartoons, numb and quiet, not knowing why life is the way it is. I know because I felt the same.

No one can fully understand how we feel unless those who have lived with similar circumstances. Anyone who has been touched by addiction and/or mental health issues understands. Those who have not, can not. I understand how my friends think it is as simple as giving my son a good talking to and if he does not listen, then he is no longer welcome to live here and the girls can swiftly resume living a "normal" life. I love my friends and I think some may understand more than others, but I am lucky to have them all with their different personalities and views. The long term issues we have been living with in the privacy of our home is debilitating and damaging to us all. It may seem on the surface that I am coping well or perhaps it seems that I am am being too lenient and not doing enough, but at the end of the day we are doing what we can, all of us in all of our complex and secret lives that no one really understands like we do. I readily admit that though I may empathise and sympathise with others, there are times when I think, "I do not understand", but it is not meant as a judgement.

So here we are, the day ahead of us, yet with no real desire to do anything while we hear my son snoring on the floor unable to be woken! Will I spend hours trying to wake him, too distracted to do anything else, getting more and more angry as the hours pass, feeling I have wasted my day? I have done that countless amounts of time. Or do I let him lay here and not attempt the impossible, yet by doing so it is still allowing him to disrupt our day none the less? It is hard to carry on as usual while you have a lump in the middle of your living room, the main room of the house. Or do I say to my daughters that we are going out for the day, without having the motivation or the resources to be able to spend the entire day outside! Knowing all along in the back of my mind that my son has an appointment at 3:00 to discuss rehab and the difficulties my son is experiencing, and wanting to make sure he attends that appointment?

This is life at the moment, though we are trying in many ways to change, sometimes the ways in which we are trying are not apparent to those who are looking in from the outside. I will try my best to see that everyone will get some of my attention today and try to give all my children a bit of my love and attention,  and as Scarlet said, "Tomorrow is another day"!