We are venturing off to sunny Budapest the day after tomorrow and I may not be blogging while we are away. We will not only be visiting my aunt there (who is an amazing 84 years old) , but also attending an amazing week long musical festival, which I help promote here in the UK called the Sziget Festival. My children and I love the bands that are going to be playing and we are almost %100 guaranteed good, sunny, hot but not humid weather.We will get away for 11 days.
Am I excited? Sometimes I feel a slight excitement. Happy? No not really. In actual fact at the moment I feel quite sad, tearful and lonely. Again, as many times when I write, my eyes are welling up with tears, but it is not really the sort of post that I should be crying about!
So why am I feeling this way? Well, writing is a great tool for self expression, self discovery, healing and just an overall emotionally cathartic experience. Writing also can reach out to others and make them have "light bulb" moments or feel comfort that they are not alone.
So, as I sit and begin to gather my thoughts to write this blog post, it starts to become clearer why it is I feel so tearful and sad. Well, it comes as no surprise to me, and probably no surprise to those who read my posts regularly, I can sum up three reasons: my son, my feelings of unimportance to others and a fear that the few good years I have left will be spent more or less alone.
As I have written about our last family vacation and how it was two fold, my son being meant to be part of both trips, but after his disgraceful behaviour on trip one, I did not allow him to come with us on trip two. I had intended him to go on both trips: however, after his opium addiction was unbearable whilst away, I could not bear to have that behaviour repeated even though he was all paid for. This year is an entirely different scenario, I have deliberately kept him out of our plans entirely. It is a sad day when a mother does not want to include one of her children on a family trip. Even sadder when that child wants to go and has no other social outlets. He is angry and resentful, but that is because he is not fully appreciating the reasons for my decision. I will worry about him while we are away, but at the same time I do not want to be harassed by him while away. I am afraid that it will be a very long time until all of us (my 3 children and I) can participate in any activities together as a harmonious unit, and unfortunately my son does not comprehend this because he has not taken ownership yet of how much an affect his behaviours and activities had on his sisters and the family unit.
Now as far as the feeling of unimportance to others, well I spoke before of my need to feel like someone's priority and that is important to me yet is not something I feel exists in my life. I have very little family left and they are all far away. My children of course need me, but being that they are indeed children their priorities are different and rightly so. I have maybe 2 or 3 friends and 1-2 acquaintances in my life and THAT IS IT. The friends all have their families (parents still alive, children, siblings) all near to them and again, as it should be, they are my friends' priority. My parents are both dead and I have no significant other. I am not even saying that I want a "partner" because I do not really see living with someone right now something that would be feasible or something that I even want. Though I would like to have someone who is a very special part of my life who I know is always there for me! Yep, that is the clincher, because as I wrote "always there for me" the tears welled up again. I thought I may have had a friend who was turning into that special part of my life, but something is different now, (though I may be paranoid and reading between the lines entirely wrong, only time will tell). So the reason why this is on my mind in relation to going away is because there is no one taking us to the airport (though my friend has ordered a taxi and paid for it, because he has family commitments and can't take us, I am HUGELY grateful for this gesture of kindness, it helps us so very much, but I would have just liked to have given him a hug and a kiss to thank him and say goodbye even if at home and not at the airport but he never had the time). There is going to be no one waiting for us, in fact no one has asked when or how we are coming home. Am I the only one who understands why this makes me want to cry, even though I should be excited that we are actually getting away, especially since all odds were against us going away?! Why do people have such an easy time of letting me slip away?
This of course leads to the third reason, not wanting to spend the last years of being youthful and being lustful for life and happiness alone (despite my age and looking and feeling younger, there will become a time when I do start to look and feel old). At the moment I want someone who loves me and is there for me when I call them, but not necessarily living together, in fact I would be quite happy just seeing a person once a week and having some other contact during the week (txt messages, phone calls etc). I am not in a place right now where I would want to be spending too much time with a person, so if they are busy then great, but it is the understanding and the knowledge that we are the most important things to each other (other than my/his children of course, but even then I feel there are certain situations in which having children does not mean you must sacrifice your own happiness). But alas I do not have such a relationship with someone at the moment and that ties in with the entire "will anyone miss me while I am away?" type of irrational thought processes!!!
I will be on an air plane in 48 hours going to sunny Budapest to hear awesome bands like Queens of The Stone Age, Placebo, The Kooks, Bastille, Band of Skulls, Tom Odell, Blink 182, Miles Kane and so many more!!!! The atmosphere will be great, the food tasty, the drinks cold and the music fantastic. There will be visual arts, hands on activities, a Ferris Wheel, a beach and so much more. I feel horrible to admit it that I wish I had an adult companion with me and not just my kids, well 2 of my 3 kids with me. I am proud that I am a "cool mom" who takes her children to festivals, and travels with them and they have had many great experiences already; however, I want someone to hug, to kiss, to drink with, to dance with and laugh at inappropriate things with. And hey, a holiday romance is out of the question with kids by my side! How horrible of me as a mom to admit that going away as a single mom leaves me feeling somewhat lonely, only sometimes though, not all the time. There are times when I think it is great because I am doing it my way and there are no stupid arguments between the 2 adults.
Loneliness and the feeling that I have somehow let my children down because they do not have other adults around them, nobody else in their lives that loves them, I chose badly and that is not my fault but it has had its consequences for sure. Now though, when I realise that I have been living as a single mom for seven and a half years and in all that time they have witnessed their mother going from being treated badly by one man, to not having anyone in all those years who thinks highly of their mom and loves her. My son, though I think he was completely out of order to say so, has said to me before that why haven't I had any men in my life after his dad and I split. He is right to a certain extent and not only would it have helped me but it would have been wonderful for my children to see what it is actually like when a man and woman love each. If only they could have seen some positive role models growing up in regards to relationships and communication and love. I shudder to think how screwed up they will be when it comes to their own relationships.
My middle daughter must be wondering about why men don't love me (we are not talking about her father now). When we were in France 2 years ago the man I went to visit and I planned a night when I could come over with the girls and cook dinner and spend the night together. A few nights we tentatively planned but he managed to get out of it. We finally succeeded with our plans and had a great night. We were suppose to see each other again before I left France, but it never transpired and my daughters saw me heartbroken and crying as we left France. Two years down the line and here is another man, and in a weird way I see similarities between the two, I asked him to come over for a home cooked dinner and my youngest kept asking me when is he going to come because we kept asking. Finally he made it and we had an absolutely wonderful time, we had good conversation, laughs, played the Wii with the kids and then had amazing sex for about 5 hours after the kids went to bed! No awkwardness or nothing in the morning, and he was very sweet and thanked me profusely for such a great night. Before that night he was also popping around quite a bit to help out with some jobs around the house. Since then, though I have seen him a few times while the girls have been in school and communication is frequent. Since then we have not had him over for an evening (though I have asked) and I wonder what my middle daughter makes of it. Only two men in her mother's life since the split with her father, and after one night nothing! I worry what kind of a message this has sent to my daughter who is nearly 15 now and learning to be a woman.
So what a weird place my head is in, when I should be excited and full of enthusiasm, right? My left brain and right brain have been having many discussions between them lately! I have come to the conclusion that no matter how well my left brain understands the rational reasons behind people's behaviour, my right brain will always win out because I am very emotionally driven and my romantic heart and soul put together with my right brain....well, my left brain doesn't stand a chance!
If I do not write while I am away, I will try to write another post soon after my return home. I hope that my cat Shadow will survive his loneliness without us. I hope that my son will not completely alienate me or use more drugs to mask his sadness that he has been excluded from his family's vacation. I hope that my daughters and I manage to have a good time and we will not be completely bankrupt when we return to an empty fridge (another thing that always makes me sad is returning and having no one in your life that thought about buying a little food and drink to greet us upon our return) and a pile of unpaid bills! I also hope that whoever is out there reading this that their day is one in which their loved ones are safe and you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your struggles in life. Most of all I hope that all of us can find a little love and happiness in our path to recovery, healing and brighter tomorrows!