Well my last post was all about the depressive thoughts I was having before I took my daughters away for 2 weeks, this is now about my depressive feelings upon returning. Seems it is hard for me to escape from my inner sadness.
Our vacation had it's ups and downs, to be sure. Travelling as a single parent with my daughters, 14 years old and 9 years old, on my own and staying with my 84 year old aunt who speaks no English, obviously has it's challenges! Not to mention that I was also restricted by finances and trying to please everyone! Even though there were definite difficulties, all in all it was great not to have bothersome phone calls, "urgent" bills in the post, no household chores, dramas with my son etc. Also the sun was shining, most of the time, the temperatures were higher, we went to a great music festival and ate great food!
Even while away though, I did have a few wobblies in which I succumbed to upset feelings and even tears. My son and I had a phone conversation that upset me and as is the norm more or less these days, I ended up hanging up on him. The reason why is that he started asking for and then demanding that I bring him back a special bottle of Absinthe, a bottle of Spirytus Polish spirit, some special clove cigarettes, and a few other things. He started telling me that I owe him that much, because he is the one who deserves a break and not me! He was starting to talk to me very aggressively and in a condescending manner, insulting me, so I ended the conversation, only to be fuming inside afterwards.
My "friends" also made me have my moments. One friend I gave keys to looked after our poor little kitty cat Shadow, she was great. Another "friend" I gave keys, I asked to water my plants, also thinking that the more traffic my house has, the better. When I needed to her to help me out, she neglected to answer my txt for 2-3 days. The reason I had contacted her is because my other friend noticed that my electricity was cut off, but she was on her way to work and very busy on that day as well as the next. So I asked my other "friend" to go and please put £5 on my electricity meter because the fridge will defrost and I will be left with a mess to deal with when I get home. Well, she finally responded a few days later, saying she "mislaid" her phone but that my other friend will sort it out anyway! Then when I txted this "friend" reminding her that my other friend was not going to be home the last 2 days of my trip, and so I need her to feed my cat, she eventually txted back that she has decided to spontaneously go away for a camping trip so she can't but she can come over Sunday to feed the cat. Um, hell-lo, I am returning Saturday! No thanks.
Then there was the communication with my special friend. Well, I tell you, we have not seen each other for about 5 weeks, not "been together" for 6 weeks and he has only been around and spent the evening once which was over two months ago, that is not very good. You know when you keep saying to someone that you are looking forward to spending some time together and asking him to please look at your calendar and let me know when you are free? You know what it feels like when you persistently keep making that comment and asking that question so many times that you have lost track how many times you have asked? Well, do you also know that feeling of hurt and humiliation when that comment and question is constantly ignored and diverted? OK, then you get the picture and you know what I am saying. Finally, on our first day of our vacation, when I get the e-mail in which he says he is actually going away on the same day I return, and still has not mentioned when he will come over....well you guessed it....the tears welled up and I could not take this constant rejection and it's even worse when the rejection is done by totally ignoring the question! Well, again, I thought, "Hell-lo, do you not even read what I am saying, you not only ignore the question, but you also ignore the playful innuendos and the flirtation seems to have stopped". I felt very foolish and had to write back that I will not ask any more....he played the dumb card and acted like he did not understand....when I did not write back for a day or two, he wrote that since he has not heard from from me he will stop writing and talk to me when I get back! Seriously? This is suppose to be a friendship!? A good friendship! A special friendship, with a little added bonus of some occasional physical affection! Well, if a friend, male or female, is acting like they are upset with me, or they appear to be in a bad place emotionally at the moment for whatever reason, I would not say, "I will stop contacting you". On the contrary, I would continue to write and keep persistently reassuring my friend that I am worried about them, I care for them, I hope they are ok, and that I hope I did not do anything to upset them, and that I am looking forward to seeing them soon.
He did not have time for me before we left because he was not well, he was busy at work and he had a lot of family problems. Understood, but a 15 minute drop in visit before work, or after work en route home to pick up keys and give me a hug and say good bye...is anyone really that busy? Maybe I am a fool? Maybe I am the sucker who always bends over backwards to please and help and be there for my friends and family? I have inconvenienced myself many times because I said I would help a friend, or be there or whatever for them. I just don't get it. People keep saying you get back what you put out. It does not seem to be the case for them. I have one or two friends who I know would be there for me, but unfortunately they are very far away. One of the reasons I can write about these friendships so publicly, is that the ones I get disappointed with do not read my blog, well my women friends here do not, that I know.
Yesterday my sister and I were chatting on line and she started talking about her friends and friendships. I asked how often she has contact with her friends. She said that with most there is weekly contact in the way of getting together, and then also txts and/phone calls on top of that. Well, that sure isn't the case for me. Of course there may be times that life gets busy, and she might not see a friend for a few weeks, but that she does have one or two friends out of all of her friends, that do take the time to see each other regularly. I seem to be lacking that type of friendship here at "home". I put home in quotation marks because I do not feel at home here, I have no idea where that magical and mysterious place may be, I have not found it yet!
Which leads me to the deep depression and sadness I felt when I retuned. The journey "home" was very long, a 27 hour bus journey and then once arriving in London, the struggle of going up and down stairs to travel on the underground and then a train. Once we arrived at the very busy London Victoria station, I told my daughters to go in front of me and I will carry both heavy suitcases at once and carry them up or down the stairs as needed. Not one person stopped to help me while I clearly struggled on the stairs! Finally once on the underground I told my daughters to grab a seat. While I was placing our bags in the corner of the carriage I noticed that a very young man, with one suitcase, helped himself to the seat next to my daughter, so I remained standing. Thankfully, there are some nice people as demonstrated by another young man on the carriage. He told this other young man to take his seat so that I can sit with my kids! He not only gave up his seat, but as he also got off the same stop as we did, he offered to help me with my bags, not only off the train, but also up and down the stairs! So this helped me resume my faith in people, but then once we arrived at our final destination, and I went over to the taxi, the young taxi driver did not even get out of his car to open the trunk for the suitcases, yet alone help me! I struggled to put all the bags in the car by myself and fit us all in, while he just sat there, waiting! Argh!
So 28 hoursafter our journey began, we arrived home to our very anxious cat! Sadly, I had no time to sit and say hello for our company deprived cat, because I had to run straight out to buy some electricity for our meter before it started to get dark. I also had to go to the store since everything in the fridge and freezer were spoilt. I also had to get some take out for dinner, for I was in no way going to cook! Also our home was cold so the dinner I had brought home got cold very quickly since I thought I would put the shopping away while my girls ate, and I would sit down and eat when I could finally relax....but by that time the food was cold and so were we. It is August and the temperature inside my home was 15C! I had to put the central heating on. Unbelievable and depressing.
I finally sat down, my kids had eaten, I no longer wanted to, while they watched TV, I stroked Shadow who showered me with love and affection and did some serious purring! I was overwhelmed with a sense of lacking, a feeling of emptiness, a sadness and loneliness. No one was here. No one was waiting for us. No one preparing for our return. No txt messages or phone calls or emails with the obligatory, " Welcome Home! Did you arrive home safely? I will see you soon". Later my friend who looked after Shadow txted me, for that I was grateful. Finally! YAY!
I had emailed my "special friend" several hours earlier and he told me that while he is away this week he will be busy and so he will not be in touch until he gets back! I wrote him initially when I got that message that of course I understand, no worries. That was while we were still travelling though. Once home and feeling empty and alone, I messaged him, sending a photo of me and my youngest, I told him I have a very bad case of the blues now that I am home. I also wrote that I wont bother him any more, but I had to share that with him. Now, you would have thought that a person, no matter how busy or how much they are dealing with, can sit down for a minute, even while on the toilet if necessary, just to write me and say, "oh what a lovely photo. I am sorry you feel so down, it will be OK, I will see you when I get back". I got zilch, nada, zero, nothing. That was 5 days ago! I will stay friends but I will have to emotionally detach myself as a defence mechanism to keep my emotional health from becoming any more strained and assaulted. I will leave it, if he is my friend and if he does have any feelings for me or integrity, he will come to me and be honest and emotionally and physically available, regardless of any complications or difficulties he may have he will make time for me. Right?
The next day after we returned home I cried and cried all day, off and on. I was so alone. I have had no contact with anyone since I have been back. Another friend celebrated her 40th birthday yet failed to ask me to join her (despite the fact that I had very recently helped her daughter). No message from her, so I messaged her. No indication when we will see each other. My other friend who did not help me out while away but instead ignored my txts and went camping....has also not contacted me, but has posted how on Sunday she went to Czech Republic for a week. My friend who looked after Shadow is the only one I have txed with and she suggested meeting up Saturday. That will be a week since our return, and it will be the first human contact I will have had, besides the person at the grocery store check out! So I guess I have one friend at least!
And my son??? Well, I was not in the right frame of mind to call him on Saturday, but I did txt him and explain that I am depressed and tired but we returned safely and I will call him the following day. I did, but quite late in the evening, about 10ish. He was obviously drowsy from pills and it makes a conversation difficult. No matter how intoxicated my son is, he never forgets what is most important to him, so he was quick to ask if I had brought him back the spirits he wanted. I explained that I did not, but I did bring him back a couple of Hungarian beers. Then the onslaught of insults started that why the hell would I bring back beers? Why didn't he get what he asked for and why didn't I spend my time searching for these items and spending my money to foster his bad habits by bringing him strong spirits home??? Unbelievable! We had another conversation today, and once again the conversation turned to what did I bring him (not remembering our last conversation) and why did I not look for and buy him the spirits he asked for!? Again the conversation went down that familiar and unpleasant road and resulted in the now all too familiar end with me hanging up on him! Argh, argh, argh!!!!
I am thankful for the cathartic power that writing this blog gives me. I am even more grateful for the wonderful people who take the time to read it and also sometimes comment. I have some steady followers and I have met some great people here through blogging, I just wish I had some people like you who actually live near me, sometimes we need the physical closeness and the ability to do and go places together!
OK, well this blog is about my son and his drug addiction and how it has affected me and my other children. Sometimes I stray and focus more on my own feelings, but usually the feelings that I am having are from contemplation on what lead to my son's addiction etc. Aslo, I sometimes get off track and just write about me and my own pathetic emotional and relationship issues. So thank you all so much for being there for me!