Well this post will not be my usual style. It will be shorter first of all, and it wont really be contemplative.
I wanted to share with you all the lovely txt messages from my son today.
To set up the scenario, I am broke! I gave my son some money which I did out of guilt and excessive annoyance from him. I knew the money would go on drink. He promised me that on Wednesday he would give me £10.
Her we are, it is Wednesday. I txted him, no response. I called him and he began to explain that he may be able to meet me and give me the £10 after he does what he needs to do and if there is enough money left. I told him I gave him that money out of duress even though I knew I was not in a position to and now my youngest daughter, his little sister, is hungry and I have nothing.
I eventually had to hang up on him, because I can not take his disrespect! He was saying things like, "If you keep talking in that tone than I wont want to give you the money", "I need to do some business first then I will be able to see you and I don't want to give you money but I will". This is what followed:
"I was going to say that if I can't get on the computer at the library to order my benzos, then I wont be able to start saving money. I'll go into town later, do my business, then give the £10 to you."
I told him not to bother.
"I didn't say I didn't want to give you money, I said I don't like giving money to someone who is being derogatory towards me; I am perfectly happy giving, if I can, and the person is polite. Because you're my mum and helped me a couple of days ago, and in the past, I have to, and I will, today, pay you back; I just don't like doing it when you're being like you're being. May I remind you how you ruined my life and killed everything I loved? Most people would disown you."
I did not respond.
"It is your fault I got arrested. Your fault I am on probation. Your fault I'm living somewhere where I don't want to live. Your fault I have to pay the court. Your fault all my things were destroyed. Your fault I can never do chemistry again without arrest and prison almost a certainty. Your fault I have to drink to get by even though I hate the stuff. Your fault I can't even be in my own home. You ruined everything because you did not listen to me. I should hate you, I suppose I do in a way, for what you did; everyone I've told the lot to, say they'd never talk to you again. You're the lucky one, and should be grateful that I haven't washed my hands of you and never talked to you again. In my opinion you have far more obligation now, because of what happened; it will tarnish my reputation etc for the rest of my life, all because you couldn't wait 2 months (my son always said he would get rid of the chemicals etc but I got tired of the empty promises)! I may have been nasty, but I never did anything like that."
I did not respond.
"I don't have to give you a penny if I don't want to! What you did to me is worth far more than the few thousand I stole and 'borrowed'. What you did is forever!"
Again I did not bother to answer.
"Oh, and what do I get? £35 a week. How much do you get again...?! You have enough. I struggle buying the cheapest things, picking coins from the street and pulling food and drink out of the bins so I don't go hungry/thirsty. I'd like to see you do the same; then sleeping on a park bench in the rain, still not having a penny in your pocket! It's a wonderful life you've made for me! And you wouldn't be able to handle one night of it!
Thanks-Love you too!"
I have not responded to that one either.
So this leaves me with of course the initial reactions of anger and of intense emotional pain and hurt. However, now I see how much he is transferring onto me, because the reality and all the guilt he can not deal with. I also see some learned behaviour, especially in the last txt, it sounds so much like his father. Most of all though, I can now see beyond my broken heart and say to you, this is what addiction can do to a person. This is not the real son I know and love. This is what my son has become as a result of his addiction and desire to be in the state of mind he wants to be in while on drugs, that is his one and only guiding force at the moment. The addiction as well as to some extent his current behaviour, stems from deep seated issues of resentment, rejection and possibly guilt. His issues are ones that started as a young boy and he has not been able to grow into a man because of these issues and the detrimental affects the drugs have had on his emotional development.
It is sad, very, very sad. It is also sad that there are so many people who are hurt and misunderstood who suffer. Worst off are the people who helped create these individuals, who fed their insecurities, low self worth and added to their need to self medicate and also made those individuals feel unloved and refuse to help them because of their addictions....these people go unnoticed. The addicts are seen, but made to feel as "bad people". It is all screwed up and I wish I could start a revolution to help change society's way to treat addiction, but more importantly I wish I could teach people that they must ALL accept responsibility for themselves and what they have done, I am trying to, but I am also trying to keep focused and not get caught up in guilty trips that make me feel EVERYTHING is my responsibility and I am to blame for EVERYTHING.
I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING IS NOT MY FAULT. I DID MY BEST AND I DID A LOT OF GOOD.
I must repeat that to myself many, many times today!