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Saturday, 5 October 2013

Crime Scene

Briefly I will say that we have been living an even bigger nightmare these last few days then ever.  A nightmare that surely must end because we do not deserve this living hell.

As some of you may already know, my home was invaded by police,  fire-fighters, and special forensic team. The perimeter around our house and street was taped off by the police. Journalists and tv reporters and gossip mongrels also flocking the scene.


When the police came and looked around, not only was my son arrested, my daughters and I were forced to leave without packing any belongings.  We left everything, even our kitten, not knowing where to go or how long we would be gone. Luckily I did have a friend to go to who did not live near,  so we could escape.

We were away from Wednesday evening till midday Friday.  My son was in jail for 24 hours and then was let out on bail to sleep rough and walk the streets.

My daughters could not go to school or change clothes. We lost the use of our phones since we had no chargers.  We worried about our kitty but Thursday afternoon I went to demand my cat be released. I stood in the cold rain for half an hour waiting,  no coat on because that was left at home.  I watched the surreal scene that was once my home being turned into s crime drama on tv.

The police found various chemicals and lab equipment as well as drugs. They had to thoroughly search and test things and make sure no dangerous fumes were left in the house before we were allowed to return. My son was questioned and his statement taken. A statement from me was also.  Many questions and lots of things to worry about.

I have not cried so much for a very long time. I broke down in front of many people, strangers who were holding my son's fate and mine,  in there hands. I cried in public and in private.  I cried to my friends while they hugged me. I cried in front of my daughters while they worried but tried to be strong and comforting.

So much has gone on and I have so much to write but its difficult not only because of the emotions and the amount of things I want to discuss,  but it's also difficult since the police seized my laptop as well as my son's computer.

I felt so violated when we returned home. The house was filthy. My grandmother's rug in the hallway was trampled on and muddy, as well as the rest of the house. My laundry was soaked by rain coming into the utility room. A picture  was broken. Huge crane flies, dead ones and live ones had taken over. The back door key was missing. My lingerie drawer was rummaged as my bras were hanging out. My bed was dirty....

So glad I have some kind friends who came to help me clean and took my youngest to school and brought her home so I didn't have to face the looks and questions.

Since this will be an on going investigation to test the chemicals and examine computers and phones etc. my son will need to go back to the police in November for a charge to be made and possibly a court date.

My son seems a bit flippant and not showing too much concern . Unbelievably, my son still does not think he needs to change or respect my house rules. He blames me for my stupidity which resulted in everything getting "f***** up"! He has been rude and mildly aggressive a few times since returning home instead of being remorseful. That is disappointing to say the least.

So the bigger worries now begin. Will he go to prison? Will he want rehabilitation?  Will he continue his behaviour or will this be the catalyst towards change?
What will social services say? How will my daughters be affected?  Will I be seen as an unfit mother?

Has our health been compromised because of these chemicals? Other people have put themselves on the line to help us, what are the affects for them? So many different issues and questions and concerns.

This post is not that polished as it's being done via my mobile but I wanted to bring you all up speed.  More importantly I wanted to say a HUGE thank you for all the wonderful people here who have offered their support and kind words. Thank you to all the caring professionals who seem sincerely concerned about our welfare.  Thank you to my friends and sisters who love me and offer their support and want the best for me and ALL my children.

Thanks everyone!

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Happy Days

Lately I find myself going down memory lane, looking at photos of happier times and remembering.


Remembering back as far as my own childhood and recalling the dreams I had while growing up. My dreams varied of course depending mostly on my age at the time and what my interests were at that time as well. I can remember wanting to be all sorts of things. When I was very small I use to dream of becoming a doctor and going to places in Africa with suitcases full of medicines to help people who really needed it, and of course seeing beautiful wildlife at the same time! If that failed then I could be a ballerina, oh I was so very young then! Later my dreams shifted to things like being a special affects make up artist in the film industry or a model (well we did live near Hollywood so of course these types of dreams came into play)! As I grew older I had dreams of becoming a writer and then finally I put my academic efforts into psychology so that I may one day become a child psychologist.

                                                                (My modelling days!)

Throughout all those years and varied interests and dreams, one thing remained constant as I envisioned my future; I wanted more than anything to be a mother. As a very young child (probably around 7-8) I began putting away some favourite toys and clothes so that my children may one day have them. I still have some and I indeed have given them to my own children. I dreamt of having a large family, always feeling as if we lacked something in our very small family, with all my grandparents, aunt and uncles and cousins living thousands of miles away. So naturally being a little girl dreaming of a large family, I wanted 6 children! I also wanted to marry an Italian "knowing" that they love family! As I grew into my teens I thought 6 was not a realistic goal, 4 would be nice, but still with an Italian husband because Italians are often very handsome (less focus on family values and more interest in looks now)! By the time I hit my 20's I knew my life would be empty without children and I was no longer concerned with how many or with whom for that matter, I wanted to be a mother, and hopefully before I turned 30.

When I was 29 my only life's dream and my most important, had become a reality. I was pregnant and I was going to be a mother. I looked in the mirror and watched tears of joy stream done my face after I took my 2nd pregnancy test. I was going to be a mommy! My greatest dream had been fulfilled! It didn't matter that I was working as a nanny and not a great doctor or writer or psychologist. It didn't even matter when I discovered that the father was not so keen on becoming a father. All that mattered was that I was carrying a beautiful, precious life inside me and I was going to love that baby more than anything else I had ever loved in my life!

When my 1st born was born, I remember being taken to our hospital room when we were finally all cleaned up and seen to after the delivery. It was in the very early hours of the morning, say about 2, since my son was born at 12:07 am. I lay in my hospital bed holding my little sweetheart and both of us were wide awake and we both gazed into each other's eyes for hours! We loved each other straight away! Finally at about 5 am we drifted off into sleep as we continued to look at each other with so much love.

I LOVED being a mother just as I always dreamed I would. My son and I were lucky to have had nearly the first 5 years of his life bonding and building a strong relationship and experiencing so much joy and discovery before my next child came along.

                                                   (My son and I, when he was nearly 2)

Each time I was pregnant I thought it to be the best experience a woman could have. Carrying my children, giving them birth, caring for them, loving them....that is something that I have dreamt of since being a very little girl. That dream being realised was amazing and wonderful. All my other aspirations fell out the window and in all intents and purposes I have really f****d up my life, but having children, that, I will never regret.

My little boy was amazing and we did so much together: playing, reading, crafts, painting, singing, nature walks, swimming, talking, cuddling...going to places together like museums, play groups, libraries, parks, playgrounds, and so on. If my son showed an interest in something I quickly helped him to develop that interest and he was in those early years an expert in dinosaurs, space, geology and trains.


We read a lot and one of his favourite books when he was very small was "Guess How Much I love You". In the book the mother and baby say things like, "I love you to the tips of my ears, and back". The baby says,  "I love you to the moon" and mom says, "I love you to the moon, and back".  My son and I use to incorporate so many of his favourite things to express our love. We would say things like, "I love you to the end of the train line, and back", or "I love you to Pluto and back", and "I love you to infinity, and back" and so on. We would try to out do each other because we both felt like we loved the other more than they knew.


My son was a very happy boy and would even have happy dreams laughing out loud in his sleep. I would go and check on him late at night and fix his covers while he lay sound asleep and I'd whisper, "I love you" in his ear. While still asleep he would say "I love you too" back to me.

He loved to hold my hand while we walked, he helped me with household chores, we played or singed together while doing so. He would help me cook, often with all his Thomas the Tank trains by his side helping him! We would have indoor picnics while it rained outside, have lava lamp discos, and lazy Saturday mornings in bed together watching cartoons. It was wonderful!

I knew my boy was very clever and very sensitive and full of love. I of course, like many proud moms had high hopes for him.....little was I to know what the future would hold and this is where I will end because I do not want to taint these beautiful moments with what became our reality.