The Good and The Bad of It

Well, court hearing was a formality I guess and nothing more as it was referred to Crown Court. More waiting and then more worrying closer to the time. We will have to wait until June 9th and I have been told not to expect a resolution then , as the case will probably be "sent away for reports", meaning that my son will be assessed by parole officers and drug rehabilitation workers etc and their reports will go back to court.



I was pleased when our first hearing last Friday was to be heard at Magistrates Court since that is usually for lesser offences and lesser punishments; however, now we are going to Crown and there are two ways to look at it. First we can worry that the prosecution is playing up the seriousness of the case, the amount of time and money that was put into the investigation and therefore  the punishment should be severe, or we can view it in a way that since the Crown Court is where very serious crimes are heard i.e. murders, rapes, assaults, burglary etc, perhaps the judge will view this clearly as a less serious case and treat it as such.

For those who may not be familiar with the differences between the two types of courts, here is a link explaining about Crown Court:

http://www.judiciary.gov.uk/you-and-the-judiciary/going-to-court/crown-court

To explain more about the magistrates here is another link that might be helpful:

http://www.judiciary.gov.uk/you-and-the-judiciary/going-to-court/magistrates-court

There is little point in worrying about the differences between the courts, as it has been decided and so be it, Crown Crown it will be! My hope is still for the best possible outcome for my son, but now I also hope that I will not be called upon as a witness! In case some of you have not been following my blog that long, this all has to do with an incident in which I took a variety of chemicals to a drug clinic on the understanding that they would dispose of it safely for me. Things did not go according to plan and in the end there was a huge news item about a "chemical leak" and possible "drug manufacturing". Our home was over taken by police and we had to evacuate for two days while my son was in police custody. There  was indeed a large amount of chemicals removed from my home as well as drugs which resulted in the recent 9 charges brought against my son.

I wrote about it all in these blog entries:

http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2013_10_01_archive.html

And also here:

http://livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/drug-crime-is-drama.html

Hopefully now everyone is up to speed and has a better understanding what all the fuss with the police and courts is all about.

We seem to be attracting interest from the press again, in the run up to the court hearing it was mentioned in the local news, radio, bbc teletxt, etc. While in court the press from our local paper was there and in fact even attempted to get a photo after we exited the court and after his failed attempt, the reporter followed my son and I around until we got to the town centre and lost him! I hope and pray that he did fail in getting a photograph of my son, because it will only serve as a trigger for more anxiety and anger from my son. I do not think he has realised that his name and where he now lives has already been publicised on the internet news! I have never revealed my son's name in my blog and the previous news items were always regarding a young teenage man...now it takes on a different atmosphere that will be too close for comfort for my son's liking!

Moving on though to some more positive aspects of the day.

Considering the early time we had to be in court (9:00 a.m.), I was pleased that my son was awake and managed to get nicely dressed in his shirt, tie and blazer along with the new trousers and shoes I had bought him earlier in the week, Though he was gently drinking his cider in the morning to calm his nerves, he did not get intoxicated nor did he take any drugs. We got to the court on time and there was no fuss from him at all, no irritability or lashing out. He listened and spoke to the solicitor and when it was time to stand up in front of the court, he was clear and articulate.

After he calmed down regarding the reporter outside, we spent the rest of the day together (about 6 hours including the court). We walked around, we looked in shops, I bought him his favourite Nando's chicken for lunch, took him to his flat to change and took him back into town. My son was not argumentative or defensive at all during the entire course of the day. Despite that we started off the day not knowing what the day will hold, it turned out to be some nice time spent together.



As a side not I will mention that his father did not turn up at court, though he had told our son earlier in the week that he would "try". He did phone later in the day and during the conversation asked our son, "Do you see much of your mother?"
How absurd! How does that man think our son with no money for a bus and a horrible track record of walking up on time and attending appointments on time, fathom that he would make it to the court on his own by 9 a.m.? I was glad to hear that my son said, "yes, she is here with me now". Later that day, and subsequently the next day as well, my son told me that if it were not for me he would have no one who would help him. What a sad realization for our son that his father never returned the police officer's phone calls during the original arrest and that he did not turn up to court either and when I suggest asking his father for help he says he knows he wont. However, it is also a very positive realization for my son that there is someone who will always be there for him and I hope that one day he will also understand why I made the decisions I did.

As my family may be slightly broken and our lives still not quite as we may like it, but at least I am teaching my children what it means to be a parent, what it means not to give up, what it means to believe tomorrow will be better and that there is always hope. My daughter may not have any desire to see her brother at the moment and indeed she thinks that will never change, but I hope that she is seeing that I am still trying to help him because I know he is worth it, as a mother who loves and believes in ALL her children. Hopefully she will also see that I made some decisions with her best interest at heart and that even now I respect her feelings even if it may make me sad. I hope all my children see how much we have all been through and we are still basically O.K., and despite all our struggles and all the heart ache and without any family besides us, we are not only surviving, we are thriving in some respects. My son is standing on his own two feet and he did not crumble. It has been three months since he is no longer at home and he has seen his circumstances change dramatically and often. Yet he is doing just fine even though he is facing so many difficult situations because of his addiction. We may not all be gathering around the family dinner table every Sunday, but my son and I do speak nearly every day and see each other quite regularly. My daughters are getting happier and more relaxed. My older daughter is excelling academically and her parent's evening was enough to make me cry with pride when I heard all the remarkable statements made by her teachers. (None of whom have any idea to the challenges she has faced at home). My youngest is always happy and a pure joy. I have trained to be a mentor and have also started my Facebook page for families of addiction, I will be speaking about my blog to a support group and I am growing as a writer through this blog. There have been some positive movement forward despite all the struggles and complexities and obstacles and having all the responsibilities on my shoulders alone.

                         

I am sure there will be many more hard times and difficult moments to get through and my son may go further downhill before he starts climbing up again. My family and home and troubles will still be here tomorrow but so is my love and my strength and my desire to make things better and my hope in a bright future for us all. I hope all of you can hold on and believe in your brighter future too!

Happy & Homeless

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from my son that he needs a lift to the emergency room, because he cut his hand badly last night and today noticed that there are big chunks of glass wedged deep within the wound which he can not remove.



Of course, as mothers do, I said I would pick him up and take him to the hospital in 20 minutes. I had to know though, how did it happen? He slipped, while walking,  on the wet pavement and he was holding a bottle.

My youngest was not impressed as it was her last day at home from her winter break, her sister had gone back to her school the day before, so today should have been just about her. Not a fun way for an 8 year old to spend her last afternoon of her holidays!

As I pulled up on the street corner, I saw my son a few yards away, smiling and chatting to another young man. He looked good. My son looked to be enjoying himself, fully engaging in conversation, smiling, laughing. He looked like a good looking young man enjoying himself. He looked happy.
My first glance at my son made me happy. Then reality sunk in and I was no longer happy. I was not looking at my nearly 19 year old son hanging out with his class mate after uni, waiting for me to help him do his grocery shopping before I dropped him at his flat where he shares with other classmates....just a nice hypothetical example, one of many "nicer" alternatives to the truth.

I was watching my homeless son, chatting to his fellow homeless mate who was enjoying a can of cider, standing outside the drug and alcohol clinic, waiting for me to take him to the hospital to get his hand stitched up. This was not right. This was causing me a great sense of cognitive dissonance. This was making me feel edgy. AND he was making me wait, because he was enjoying himself!

Upon arriving at the hospital, he tells the true story behind his injury. The day it happened he had gone to the corner shop and stole a can of extra strong cider and a bottle of wine. He then proceeded to the park where he consumed all of the wine and cider. He was, according to him, enjoying himself and got a bit drunk. This led him to want more, so foolishly he went back to the SAME shop and attempted to steal another bottle of wine. He thought he got away with it, but once outside a man from the shop and a guard dog chased my son down the street. This is when and how my son fell and fell with the bottle of wine which smashed in his hand as he fell. The man caught him, and according to my son, dragged him back to the shop by the scruff of the neck. When my son tried to escape his hold, he threatened to sick the dog on him. Once back at the shop, the manager decided there was no point calling the police since there was no longer evidence that he took anything, it was broken and all over the pavement somewhere. They let him go with the warning that he is not allowed to ever enter the shop again.
           
                                        
                 

Having finished his story, he also told me that his hand was bleeding quite a lot after it happened and he wondered around and eventually went into a church that was holding an evening service. When some of the parishioners noticed the state of his hand they were concerned and offered him tissues. After the service the clergyman helped my son with his first aid kit, and everyone was very nice and helpful, though he didn't think the cuts in his hand were a big concern. All the while when he was telling me this, he was calm, relaxed even smiling and chuckling at times.

As he stood by the car door, very comfortable with the fact that he was going into the emergency room to get stitched up, he did not seem too bothered. I told him that I hope this is not the beginning of things to come. He said that it probably is and that he will probably get into fights and such and receive much worse injuries. I drove away sad, worried, and disappointed.

I reflected on our car journey home, how he was telling me, with his young sister in the back seat, how it is actually good being homeless. He gets a room and taxi. He gets fed decent food every night. There are churches that they go and hang out in to get warm and get light lunches during the day. He has free time and he is out doing a lot of stuff, not just sleeping and sitting indoors all the time like he was at home. He has no one hassling him, and the people don't judge and they are nice.

                                           

Right now being homeless, having a shelter with a special night provision, doing your own thing is an adventure my son is enjoying. I hope he gets housed in the supported housing project (that excepted him in early/mid December) has an opening soon, before this adventure turns into a chosen way of life that my son chooses over an improved living accommodation where he would get support with the intention of moving forward toward independent and healthy living. Something tells me once in a house with rules and boundaries to adhere to, he will look at homelessness as the better option for him. I hope my feeling is wrong.

Drug Crime is Drama.

We were the center of attention in October 2013. We thought such attention and drama would have huge repercussions. The waiting and unknowing of what the consequences for my son and my family would be was unbearable in the beginning.

                         

We had to wait for Nov 20th for my son to be questioned a second time after the police investigation. Nov 20th came and went without a bang because the police needed more time to investigate such a "serious incident". The interview was postponed until Jan 2, 2014. More waiting.

So much time passing, you forget how much of a drama the "incident" was. It is strange to look back now and see how many images of my home were being blasted on every type of news media. Even on Flicker! They ranged from major news stories (BBC for example) to our local news reports. I am reminded of the horror, the invasion, the violation, the humiliation, yet as we waited to see what drama the police were going to be throwing at us as punishment,  seemed to get further and further away and less significant.

Here are a few of many news reports. So many images of my home surrounded by police,  tents, people in special safety suits,  fire engines etc.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-24378914

http://www.essexchronicle.co.uk/UPDATE-Chelmsford-chemical-leak-Man-arrested/story-19881718-detail/story.html

http://www.flickr.com/photos/stuart166axe/10075344225/in/photostream/

http://www.essex-fire.gov.uk/incidents/18043/

http://www.itv.com/news/anglia/update/2013-10-03/arrest-after-chemical-incident-in-chelmsford/

http://www.theenquirer.co.uk/read.aspx%20id=12616

Now here we are Jan 3, 2014. My son was re-interviewed yesterday by the police now that they have completed their investigation and forensics. My son was at the police station for 4-5 hours. No information after those hours as of yet have been relayed to me. All I know is that now they will decide how to charge him, They will  post  the charge! If he does not get his charge by March 13th then he will need to reappear at the police station to get his charge! More waiting.

I am sure that once the charge is made, there will be a court date. I am also sure that after the charge is made, we will have to wait again before we are told when the court date will be. Once we get the date, we will have to wait for that date!

Wait, wait, wait. It does not seem to equate with the amount of drama, publicity and expense that was put into the "incident". I hope that at the end of this long waiting period my son does not just get a slap on the wrist.  Don't get me wrong, I do not want him to go to prison. I would like him to get a DRR (Drug Rehabilitation Requirement) even though he might resist engaging fully so little benefit might be gained. However, I do not want him to get off lightly for his own good because I do not want my son to get the message that what he did was somehow OK and no serious consequences resulted. This may only encourage him to do the same crimes again.

                              

Educating The Young Homeless Addict

I met with my son in town for a cup of coffee today. He was 45 minutes late, but at least he was not intoxicated!

                            

My fear was always that if my son was ever homeless he would be exposed to more undesirable "things". I really never looked beyond the fear that he would turn to heroin and may accidentally overdose.

Funny, I did not think about the other "things" he would be exposed to. I suppose I feared the threat of heroin and possible overdose because I assumed my son would be scared and hurt and turn to heroin as a comforting  way to deal with his fear. I did not think that my son would just fine being homeless. He would like the people he was coming into contact with. He would listen to their tricks and think it is worth a go.
Oh how naive of me!

                                      
It is a provable statistic that crime and drug addiction has a high correlation, therefore why am I surprised that my son would turn to petty crime to support his habit? He has already broke the law in so many more complex ways. As I sat with him and he spoke of things, I was embarrassed that we may be overheard, I had a feeling of detachment as well as shame.

Under the pretense of wanting to see me and just sit and have a chat, it became clear there was more to it. He has no money. Will I give him enough money to tie him over till he gets his next benefit payment. "No, I am sorry I can't, you will have to ask someone else." "Dad has just given me £50 for Christmas and wont give me any more, and my friends won't give me money."

        

I will not give him any more. I helped him out with nearly £100 the first few days after moving out. His most loyal friend will not give him money because he has also learned that he would only be enabling him. His father has not helped for months and our son knows that  Dad is not a resource for him to tap into. My son receives benefits now, paid into his bank account each fortnight. I will help him budget that money, as I offered, but I will no longer do anything that is in any way enabling his addiction.

So ok then, he will have to start stealing "bigger stuff". Ahem, excuse me, "bigger stuff"? Well he has stolen a thermal head scarf, some ear phone cushions, AND, and I did not want to know any more. He told me of how one of the guys at the shelter told him how he steals wine, even though he doesn't like wine, it is the easiest to steal. He also found out that some chemists do not dispose of medicines properly and sometimes if you poke around their bins you can find some pills. Also around the University campus is also a good place to find blister packs of prescription drugs laying about. A homeless woman also steals from donations that are left outside Oxford and other charity shops. STOP. I do not want to hear any more.

I am listening to this is a small cafe with no other customers and the owner is sitting at the table right behind my son, he is not even trying to speak quietly. He talks about how the codeine syrup he bought yesterday broke when he dropped it. Then he says, that though upset, he was ok because he knew he had the codeine he extracted from some co-codamol he bought and that was back at the room. Upon returning he picked it up and spilled 2/3rds of it. Also his prescription for Atarax (hydroxyzine hydrochloride) is almost gone even though he had a new prescription filled on Jan 31st, 4 days ago. If the doctor intended him to be taking as many as he is, obviously he would have given him a larger prescription!


                          

He wants some money, because he is starving?! Hmm, funny how are you buying codeine and such? The homeless shelter only gives him one meal a day. Funny, a few days ago my son told me how he is eating so much better! 

Can we not just talk? No, at home everything revolved around drugs. Outside, everything revolves around drugs. Our relationship will not change until my son faces up to his addiction. I know that, now I need to wait for my son to come to that conclusion as well.

As we left the cafe, my son asked for a lift to a corner shop near my house even though he said he was meeting a friend near where the cafe is soon. Why? To buy a can of cheap cider. Oh I guess he is not entirely penniless. OK, upon getting into my car he pokes around the little place where I put change and keep my trolley pound, anything he can find to take.  There is nothing because I have learned to live with absolutely nothing left laying about would be potentially useful to my son.

His plan for the rest of the afternoon? Buy a can of cheap, strong cider. Go to the chemist and look behind the shop in their bins for any discarded medications. Go to maybe a few more chemists that he has heard from the other homeless people are relaxed about disposing of drugs. Try to remember to meet his friend. Go back to where the shelter is and possibly pop into the off license opposite and try to steal a bottle of wine. Get taken back to his accommodation and consume what he has successful obtained. Lovely skills son!

On the bright side, I am discovering that I am becoming stronger and stronger and letting go of the guilt and feelings of responsibility of my son's addiction. Never in a million years would I have been able to envision this situation 6 months ago. I have actually told and watched my son leave my home. He has become homeless. He is asking for "help" and I am saying no. I have turned him away in the cold night when he appears at my door unannounced intoxicated. I have told him to leave my house during a visit over the emotional and lonely holiday period because he broke the rules and lied. I have managed to do this all without tears, well, without too many tears, without breaking. I have managed to smile and laugh and go out and feel happy with other people guilt free. I will keep contact with my son, I will continue to advise him and love him, but I will no longer let his choices destroy 4 lives. I accept that my choices were not the best and in some ways my choices contributed to his unhappiness, but it was his choice, not mine, to use drugs to buffer his sadness or dissatisfaction with life. I am here to help, along with others, when he is ready.

Actually, my son may be learning new "skills" at the moment that I am not proud of, (but again it is his choice), but I am learning new skills as well on how to be stronger and happier and still remain supportive. I am showing my daughters that life does not only go on, but it can get better. In the end I hope that one choice my son will make, is the choice to seek help and the choice to start on the road to recovery. I also hope that when that day comes and he is enjoying more sober and enlightened days, he will look back and see who was there for him and see how much we have all grown.

                                  

Crime Scene

Briefly I will say that we have been living an even bigger nightmare these last few days then ever.  A nightmare that surely must end because we do not deserve this living hell.

As some of you may already know, my home was invaded by police,  fire-fighters, and special forensic team. The perimeter around our house and street was taped off by the police. Journalists and tv reporters and gossip mongrels also flocking the scene.

                                 

When the police came and looked around, not only was my son arrested, my daughters and I were forced to leave without packing any belongings.  We left everything, even our kitten, not knowing where to go or how long we would be gone. Luckily I did have a friend to go to who did not live near,  so we could escape.

We were away from Wednesday evening till midday Friday.  My son was in jail for 24 hours and then was let out on bail to sleep rough and walk the streets.

My daughters could not go to school or change clothes. We lost the use of our phones since we had no chargers.  We worried about our kitty but Thursday afternoon I went to demand my cat be released. I stood in the cold rain for half an hour waiting,  no coat on because that was left at home.  I watched the surreal scene that was once my home being turned into s crime drama on tv.

The police found various chemicals and lab equipment as well as drugs. They had to thoroughly search and test things and make sure no dangerous fumes were left in the house before we were allowed to return. My son was questioned and his statement taken. A statement from me was also.  Many questions and lots of things to worry about.

I have not cried so much for a very long time. I broke down in front of many people, strangers who were holding my son's fate and mine,  in there hands. I cried in public and in private.  I cried to my friends while they hugged me. I cried in front of my daughters while they worried but tried to be strong and comforting.

So much has gone on and I have so much to write but its difficult not only because of the emotions and the amount of things I want to discuss,  but it's also difficult since the police seized my laptop as well as my son's computer.

I felt so violated when we returned home. The house was filthy. My grandmother's rug in the hallway was trampled on and muddy, as well as the rest of the house. My laundry was soaked by rain coming into the utility room. A picture  was broken. Huge crane flies, dead ones and live ones had taken over. The back door key was missing. My lingerie drawer was rummaged as my bras were hanging out. My bed was dirty....

So glad I have some kind friends who came to help me clean and took my youngest to school and brought her home so I didn't have to face the looks and questions.

Since this will be an on going investigation to test the chemicals and examine computers and phones etc. my son will need to go back to the police in November for a charge to be made and possibly a court date.

My son seems a bit flippant and not showing too much concern . Unbelievably, my son still does not think he needs to change or respect my house rules. He blames me for my stupidity which resulted in everything getting "f***** up"! He has been rude and mildly aggressive a few times since returning home instead of being remorseful. That is disappointing to say the least.

So the bigger worries now begin. Will he go to prison? Will he want rehabilitation?  Will he continue his behaviour or will this be the catalyst towards change?

What will social services say? How will my daughters be affected?  Will I be seen as an unfit mother?

Has our health been compromised because of these chemicals? Other people have put themselves on the line to help us, what are the affects for them? So many different issues and questions and concerns.

This post is not that polished as it's being done via my mobile but I wanted to bring you all up speed.  More importantly I wanted to say a HUGE thank you for all the wonderful people here who have offered their support and kind words. Thank you to all the caring professionals who seem sincerely concerned about our welfare.  Thank you to my friends and sisters who love me and offer their support and want the best for me and ALL my children.

Thanks everyone!