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Friday, 24 May 2013

Hunger

"Mmmm, the sweet, satisfying taste of that wonderful green liquid".
Methadone is what my son is happy about.
His new "medicine".
How did we get here and where the hell are we going to end up?

This is the outcome of our meeting with his Key Worker and the Dr at the drug clinic today after he has fallen off the program, missed 4 appointments and not taken his prescribed Suboxone for a few weeks. Starting him on Methadone. However, it is Friday, the start of a three day weekend. That would mean that the chemist would have to dish out Sunday and Monday's doses to my son on Saturday. Hmmm, Methadone being highly toxic the Dr thinks it is better for my son to wait and instead continue drinking his opium and taking codeine until Tues.

On the way home from the clinic we stop at the store. Once, we would have just walked along getting what we need and perhaps my son might have asked for some melon, sunflower seeds, biscuits....those days are no more. Now he stands in front of the over the counter meds and puts in pack after after pack of caffeine pills because he needs pills to get him out of bed. He asks me to get codeine. No! Then we move on and he stops at the beer, bringing them to me as I reject each and every item. In the next shop rather than helping me with heavy shopping he "browses" the beers, the spirits, the ciders....longing for a drink, telling me about all the good deals. He asks for no food, unless you can call mint leaves and a lime food....they are for Mojitos of course. No!

I am sad. I want normalcy. I want to talk about school and plans for University as his one time friends must be doing. My heart slightly breaks when I hear about his ex school mates all moving onward and upwards. Today is the last day of their studies and some wont be here much longer. Only one friend has really been here for my son through the thick and thin of this all and he is really taking a proactive interest in helping my son get clean and get better and move forward. Surprisingly, but not really, my son does not like this. I suppose he sees it as more pressure on him and also someone to disappoint because he believes he has disappointed  himself and all those who care about him.

Friends and family are absolutely vital for us human beings to be happy and stay sane. My son has me....virtually only me to call family at the moment. That is changing and our relationship has suffered great pains and betrayals by the bloody hands of opium and Benzos and alcohol (yes I know they did not jump into my son's mouth and it started as his choice).  At times I fear that we might have gone past the point of no return and our relationship will never be the same. It is never good to have to put all your faith and trust into one person and one person only. It is not healthy for either person.

Remember the time when my son would come home with 2, 3 or 4 friends after school and they would laugh and play football and I would feed them and there would be smiles all around??? Of course I do. I remember my son's smile and his healthy skin and good appetite and energy. I remember his friends feeling comfortable here and the sounds of life, laughter, happiness filling our house. The friends continued to come but the behaviours slowly started to change. Muffled voices and strange smells from my son's room and leaving the house and not really convinced what they would be up to. Coming home different. Then there would be the phone calls that some one is having a bad trip and please come and get us because I was the only one they could call. Not long before the school excluded my son and the withdrawal and social exclusion and the anxieties started and mounted....what a vicious circle, more drugs were used to ease the pain. The friends started to fade away, some were probably pushed away and some probably ran away! Some however stayed in the background, but these were not friends. It was pointless to try to explain this to my son, I was being hurtful in his eyes. These people who lurked around the background and appeared every now and then were no friends at all. They wanted something. They wanted to get high. They knew who to come to and get what they wanted. Some of them wanted money and were the "friends" who helped my son get high. Of course with time, and endless arguments about their selfish reasons to be my son's "friends", they eventually drifted away. I was glad, yet also somehow strangely sad for my son because he was sadder and lonelier. More drugs needed! Benzos and opium became his only friend for a long time.

Somehow this boy who knew my son at school grew into a mature young man and showed his strength of character and decided he would come and visit my son and be there for him like a true friend should. He is still trying to help and be a friend. Please don't let yourself be pushed away!!! Please do not give up when you get frustrated on what seems to be useless time and effort!!! My son needs you.

I have been there for my boy through so much...but I am feeling that maybe everyone is right that he needs "tough love" and to be put out and toughen up on his own and get a reality check. Yet I keep holding back and holding on to hope that he will change, things will get better and we will survive! I am also fearful, a part of me not fearing, but knowing, that if I put him out I will be the last and most important person to reject him and push him away. That push will push him down and he will live a horrible life on the street using heroin....and even worse. I do not want to do that to him, but am I slowly killing all of us by refusing to turn him out? I really do not know. I am torn and frozen yet appear strong and devoted.

I just want my boy to come back to me as the young man I know he could have been, can be, will be! I miss him :-(