This post has nothing to do with my son, or addiction, or drugs.
This post is only about me trying to figure me out.
What shapes our lives and makes us into the type of person we grow up into being. Is it genetics, upbringing, destiny or a mixture of it all? Actually, I am wondering why do our a adult lives turn out the way it does.
Sometimes, more often then we think, we comment on how lucky a person is or what a lucky couple they are. Is it just luck? Sometimes we look at a person and think (rightly or wrongly) that they are where they are today because of their looks, their money, they relationships they had etc. Other times a person seems to have it all merely because they were born into a wealthy and prestigious family, many generations creating privilege. Sometimes these people have the world handed to them on a silver platter, yet whether they are happy or not is another matter.
There are of course people who we admire and know how hard they have worked and overcome to be where they are. They have studied hard, worked long hours, put up with difficulties and made sacrifices to be where they are and enjoying the fruits of their labour.
I am sure everyone has either known. heard of, or seen a couple who are so obviously in love with each other and truly happy, that we know it is true and could not be a charade. On the other side of that coin we have also all known and seen couples who are so unbearable unhappy, dysfunctional and sometimes even abusive, yet that is the relationship they remain in for the majority of their adult life, denying them love and happiness.
We have also known people, or maybe even feel like this ourselves, who seem to have rotten luck, trying hard yet everything seems to go wrong and they never succeed. Good people, kind people, smart people who for what ever reason never seem to get it right but not from lack of trying.
Then there are the lucky ones who always seem to be in the right place at the right time, everything falling into place and good things happening and sometimes to not very deserving people.
Does anyone out there think about these things and get bogged down with the unfairness of life sometimes? Does anyone get to the point where they just think, "why, why, why?" to the point of tears? I think of how I have overcome obstacles and survived difficult times and I am proud of that, because I know no matter what I am a survivor. The thing is, I don't want to go through life just surviving it. I want to succeed and achieve and LIVE! I try and try yet every step forward seems to take me back two steps. Everything seems so hard. That I could almost bear, but it is the things I can never have or that I missed out on, yet others seems to be so ignorant in the fact that they "have" it and it seems to be no significance to them.
This is not self pity, it is not jealousy. It is not bitterness. If you would spend time with me, you would know how much I love to be around people. I am loving and kind and giving. I welcome you into my home and cook for you and enjoy feeding you. I laugh, I act silly and goofy. I turn the music up loud and sing badly. I dream of better days. I do the right thing. I have studied and learned, and still desire to learn more. I believe everyone has that one special love out there that they are meant to be with. I believe in romance and magic. I believe the world is beautiful, both in natural beauty and wildlife, as well as art and architecture. Travel is exciting and enlightening. Passion is inside me and I love "love". I believe in family and will always fight tooth and nail for them, as I have done in the past. I will give you life and watch you die, the people I love so much, and cry tears of both happiness and grief.
Those few how know me really well know that I have suffered. I have been ill since childhood. I have lost those closest to me. I have never been successful in work or with money. I am often penalized for my honesty and trying to do the right thing. I had many love affairs but was never wined and dined and treated like I was their love. I have never had anyone chase after me or fight for me. I have never been proposed to, had an engagement ring or an actual wedding ring, in fact no man has ever bought me jewelry or much in the way of gifts. I have not had a "real" wedding. I have cared for people and went through hell for them. I have went without. I have done crazy things, like spend every penny, sell jewelry, have unpaid bills just so I could travel and have a holiday with my children so that I can show them how magnificent this world is.
Through all this, things have never been easy and what I consider to be "normal" pleasures in life have either eluded me or been a struggle and not lasted long. There always seem to be many problems, yet little solutions. Even simple problems are never easy for me to fix.
I have almost given up in ever having so much of the ease, happiness, love and work that I want. I will not give up though, and if anything else I will get pleasure vicariously through my children if they succeed with building a most wonderful life that they are grateful for.
I still wonder if it is something in my psychological make up, am I somehow damaged and unable to create the happiness I long for? Is it all about energy? Even though I still love life, am I somehow putting out negative energy and therefore attracting negative energy? Is it something from a past life I am working through? Is it that God only gives us as much as He knows we can take, and though we may be suffering we will be rewarded in heaven? Is it all just luck? So many different theories, I do not know what I really think or believe. I just know that I want more yet I get little, that sound selfish, but it is not meant to be!
So everyone who grows up at some point learns the lesson that life is not fair. So I was just wondering why this lesson is still so hard to believe for me? Am I being too simplistic and naive to believe that good things should happen to good people? Oh well, the hopeful romantic in me still believes in magic and that one day things will change, not just for me, but for all of you out there who feel the same,