Breaking the Dysfunctional Family Cycle

As many who have read my past posts know, I am a divorced parent. A woman who lived in a relatively loveless marriage brought on by circumstances. Though we did have our moments when life seemed to be ok and even a little enjoyable, we had many more down times and as the years went on the bitterness and resentment  grew along with the level of dysfunction and emotional damage. As I have been dealing with the fallout of this "failed" marriage, I often think that I should have left years before because staying together for the kids or because you feel trapped or because the alternative seems to be worse doesn't work, and guess what? I think that children are extremely intuitive that they will sense a false marriage and be affected by that far more so than a "failed" marriage. They will not only grow up with a false reality that may make them question many things as adults, but they will also base their idea of relationships on a faulty and dysfunctional model, which will in turn make it more difficult to maintain healthy adult relationships in the future. As parents we think that our children will grow up in the false security of staying together for the kids type of marriage, and will be thankful and grateful when they are adults for sacrificing themselves for the children. Actually, that too is exactly the opposite type of role model we want for our children, someone who is false and untrue to themselves. In fact, I think that most children from such fake households will grow up and feel resentful at being lied to. 

           

                              

In this excerpt from http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/mar/30/divorce-children-parenting-conscious-uncoupling-gwyneth-paltrow-chris-martin   the author is correct in saying that "unhappy parents make for unhappy offspring" :  Dr Penelope Leach has been a passionate defender of babies and children since the 1970s. But she is no upholder of the idea that adults should stay together regardless of the measure of misery; unhappy parents make for unhappy offspring. "Divorce and separation is a safety valve for marriage and cohabitation," she tells me. "And society cannot do without one." So when the break occurs she advocates what she calls "mutual parenting". It doesn't have the slightly sexual, semi-spiritual, yogic-infused ring of "conscious decoupling" but it amounts to something similar, albeit with the celebrity varnish scraped away.

Another article in The Guardian, http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/24/divorce-bad-for-children-lets-not-fetishise-marriage-parents-children also states that parents who stayed together for the kids until they were a little older, actually did more harm to the children:  "Some of the most messed-up kids I have seen are precisely those of couples who waited until they went off to university to divorce. It meant that their entire childhood and adolescence had been a kind of lies."

I think I should have left my husband years before I did instead of remaining in the co dependant relationship and feeling as if I needed to be a martyr. If I had done so, I believe that our son would have been far less damaged and may not have had as much emotional pain that was one of the driving factors for his need to escape through drug use. My sister often says to me that if I did, I would not have had my other two children, who I could not imagine life without. However, I believe that I may have had more children with someone else after leaving and my children would not have been the same as the ones I have now, but I still would have had them. Not only is my son a drug addict but he is also very angry at me that I stayed with his father for so long. My son and my middle child both have very cynical views about relationships and neither say they ever want to have children (I know they are very young and their ideas may change as they grow). I also wonder how all the subtle messages that our children surely picked up on while my ex husband and I were together will affect their future relationships. My son has very skewed ideas of relationships i.e. you need a man of the house, children need strict discipline, men are aggressive, men make the decisions etc.. Though this was not what he necessarily saw while growing up, these are the unspoken ideas of his father and our son picked up on his father's true feelings.

My husband and I were very unhappy, but it was not a physically violent relationship and though he was very controlling and somewhat emotionally abusive to me, it was done in a very indirect way and his control was there without having to be "in your face". We did not yell and scream very often at each other, but the tension was always there and could be felt by others. My ex husband's actions and emotional numbness were also very powerful tools in his establishing power over us. He was very emotionally abusive to our son and those were the times when there was lots of shouting. When it came to our second child he wanted to destroy her wild spirit and lust for life by constantly telling her not to do the things she was doing and threatening her with punishments. My ex husband did not know how to communicate and would not be chatty with us, he reserved this for nights out with his male friends when his friendliness would come alive after a few drinks.

                                              

Our two older children have been very affected by the way they were raised in an unhappy marriage and most of the influences were due to subtle behaviours, unspoken words, decisions that were made, the lack of love and affection between their parents, tensions, frustrations, avoidance etc. It was not the stereotypically portrayed bad marriage, but it did consists of lies and guilt and feelings of obligations and sacrifices. All those unspoken feelings and emotions were picked up on fully by our little sponges, for that's what children are, sponges and intuitive sponges they are!

Some of these ideas I have that a FALSE marriage is much more detrimental to children are penned in the following article in a nice and concise manner:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/01/divorce-kids-_n_4862357.html

I can understand though how if the marriage is unhappy and false, with the idea of "staying together for the kids" but ALSO burdened with one partner having any mental, emotional or substance misuse issues, the guilt and the feelings of obligation to stay becomes so much stronger. My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abused as a child, My husband also had alcohol issues, I still believe him to be a "functioning" alcoholic. These elements create a profoundly strong co dependent relationship which makes it even more difficult to leave and clouds our judgement as to what is ultimately the best decision for the children.

                        

This link explains the "signs" of a co dependant marriage, and as co dependency is indeed a learnt behaviour, staying in a co dependant marriage has all the negative implication I have already discussed, but has the added ingredient of teaching your children to be in co dependant relationship! Who wants their kids to learn that? I don't and another reason why I wish I would have left earlier.

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Are-Codependent

We can not fix our partners, and I made the mistake of thinking I could fix my ex because I felt sorry for all he had been through and felt responsible to help him. Wake up, no one can do that!

Sometimes being true to our inner selves and recognising that bringing up children in a marriage devoid of love and passion and mutual respect will ultimately create more problems for them, is a very hard step to make. I think that it is because our society treats divorce in marriage, as divorce from the family. And though there are cases that once the couple is divorced, one parent becomes almost non existent in the children's lives, that is not what most parents want. This is because of the way we treat divorce and also because in trying to create stability in the child's life by keeping them with one parent while the other parent may have the children on the weekend or every other weekend. We should look at the option of shared custody more. The children would have regular contact and stability from BOTH parents and feel the love of both parents and be reassured that the marriage split was not because of the kids!

As this excerpt states:  "Research has determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children."

Taken from:  http://www.separateddads.co.uk/sharedcustodyofyourchildren.html

And this article is interesting on how shared custody benefits society on a more political and financial level:  https://www.opendemocracy.net/ourkingdom/michael-reed/why-does-no-one-talk-about-benefits-of-shared-custody

Joint custody seems to be the best option in which both parents still want to be involved with their children, of course when one parent is abusive or neglectful than that would not be in an option. It would also mean making changes and sacrifices in each parent's lives, but not at the negative cost as staying together, and rather would actually benefit the children most.

Well, all I know is that hindsight is always 20/20 and I can not do anything now except to be true to myself so that I influence my children in a way that will make them feel more able to be true to themselves in the future and hopefully stop the cycle of codependency and dysfunctional families!

                            

A Father's Responsibility....or Not

On Saturday, I saw my ex husband briefly while I "handed over" our daughters. When the mood suits him he will txt me asking to see them. It is always the same thing, lunch and a film, or sometimes just one and not both. In general he sees his daughters for 2-4 hours approximately every 6-8 weeks. He never visited with our son, until he became 18 and then meeting up for a pint was a novelty that soon wore off when reality started to become involved in their conversations while sipping their pints. Now they don't see each other again, it has been about 3 months since our my saw his father. Toying with our son's emotions is obviously not a big concern to him.

Tara had already said to me that she is tired of always going to the movies with Daddy, it is boring sometimes. Well, I am thinking that the movies is such an easy option for their father because no contact or communication is necessary for almost two hours. However, she will not tell him, because she finds him scary to talk to. No one wanted to bring this topic up, so it was just left since my words fall on deaf ears.

After all these years of separation and eventual divorce, I still become so anxious before hand and nearly always feel shaken afterwards. This last Saturday was no different and in fact I was quite upset.



As always when we meet in the car park of our local park (he refuses to come to the house), and then he tends to give the girls some small tokens, usually free samples he has picked up in conferences etc. for me to take home.  I am always uncomfortable in my awareness that he has nothing for our son, except the occasionally chocolate bar and usually a type of bar our son does not like! I wonder if this differentiation is intentional or not?

My ex then tells the girls to go wait by the park gates and I am surprised how quickly they obey him without muttering a word.

Then starts the very unpleasant conversation or more like "inquiry" regarding the recent letters from the bank, solicitors and court office regarding our house.

My ex husband and I are both on the mortgage and part of the divorce settlement was that we will share the proceeds from the house once sold after our youngest child is 18, and the split is 70% 30% in my favour. The house was not signed over to me because my ex would not agree to it but also because the bank would not agree since I would would have to re-mortgage it in my name and I am unemployed whereas my ex husband earns a pretty good living. The irony of it all is that my husband is not legally required to pay for any of the mortgage, so he stopped doing so nearly two years ago!



Well enough of that, the point is that my ex husband questioned me as to what am I intending to do about this situation. I quickly explained to him the intensity of our problems at home which are largely due to our son's drug and emotional problems and the vast amount of professionals involved, how time consuming and draining it is. I explained that my priority has been our children and their well being. I said that I am trying my best to help our son and convince him that rehab is the way forward or I will have no choice but to put him out and he will be homeless.

His father's reaction.....are you ready???? Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Didn't even flinch a muscle, did not change his expression, did not display any body language other than his intimidating stance. His words:  "You will ALL be homeless soon"!!!!



I was nearly in tears at this moment but I was trying desperately to maintain my composure. I explained that surely we can come to an agreement, an arrangement of sort that he pays in some money into the arrears to stop the court proceeding? He has a good job as well as two parents who are in a position to help. Nope! He can not. OM MY GOD, but I  can??? He then has the audacity to ask if our son knows and what is he doing about it " Is he looking for work? Is he signed on to unemployment benefits? Hel-lo? YOU ARE THE FATHER OF THESE CHILDREN, YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY!

So it is left in my hands. My daughters knew something was up and my older daughter txted me later to ask if I am ok. When I tried to talk to my son about it he refused and wanted to hide away from the truths about his father and the truths of our situation.

OK, not exactly about the addiction which is the main element of this blog, but the fact that that this "man" (I have to put man in quotations because in my mind he is not a man if he can be so cruel to his own children) is willing to see his children made homeless is mind boggling. The fact that it is somewhat connected to his first born child's, his only son's severe drug addiction brought on no doubt by serious emotional pain is just indecent to the highest degree! If I were in his shoes, I would have been so upset and feel such heartache and knowing that I may not have the power to help our son, he most certainly does have the power to help keep his children housed in their family home! Unbelievable!

I am reminded how much emotional damage has been done and is still being done. Our son has suffered a lot because of this man and all of his children continue to suffer because he can not stop his control game over me and he is relishing in watching "super mom" fall and take their three offspring down as well in the process.

When I went to pick up the girls, he walks over to the car after our daughters get in and he puts his head through our daughter's window and glared at me and slowly shook his head.....I felt sick and I could not get home fast enough!