I think, if I could, I would cease to exist. I do not see the point of this life, yet I do not want to die. I have postponed writing, though I find it cathartic, because I know the tears will flow and I am so tired of tears.
You must first understand me. All my life, from early childhood, no matter how my life and it's goals and dreams changed, one thing always remained constant: my desire to be a mother.
I will cut through the years of drama and get straight to the point, I have three children, I have failed them all and nothing is worse than that life sentence than having to watch my children suffer thanks to my inability to provide the life they needed to flourish.
My oldest is suffering the most, My middle child is clearly also damaged. My youngest will soon follow because of neglect and learning.
My two older children have both complained that they did not have happy childhood. They have emotional problems, possibly mental health problems, both have suffered and one still suffers with addiction (self harming for one, drugs for another) and both are socially isolated, one severely, the other mildly. They are unhappy. They blame me. My oldest does not live a normal life at all and it is my constant worry that one day I will lose him forever. My daughter is resentful and cold, not displaying any empathy for her family. There is a severe lack of warmth, communication, happiness and family cohesion. We are ALL depressed and I can see my youngest will soon follow suit as she is communicating less and less and has been neglected by me and been denied a normal childhood. She was 2 when her father and I split, she was 3 when her brother started using drugs, 5 when her brother was excluded from school, 6 through 8 when she experienced police involvement in her home, 8 when the police raided our home and made us evacuate, 8 when her family was dragged through the local papers, 9 when her brother was made homeless, 10 when her sister attempted suicide and now her brother has had another arrest, court, eviction and homelessness (all taking up much of my time). All these things came attached with countless number of appointments, service workers coming into our home, police in our home, emergencies, tears, arguments and hours of me being away from the home and leaving her alone with the tv and computer. Now it is no surprise that the TV and the computer are the main things in my little girl's life outside of school.
I have failed in my most important dream, motherhood. I have helped create 3 unhappy children that may all turn into unhappy and dysfunctional adults. I have failed them.
We do not share in family meals, there is little chatter and even less laughter in our house. We have no extended family and very little friends. My abilities to deal with all is taking it's toll and the household is in a shambles. My children have few, if any friends (my son has zero) and my daughters rarely are involved in social activities. We never have people over because I have let the house deteriorate and there is a sense of shame and tension inside these walls.
So my son: homeless, drug addict who is now scoring heroin on the streets and on probation again. Possible mental health issues which makes every element of daily life almost impossible. He is alone and very unhappy.
My middle daughter: depressed, high achiever, self harmer (though that seems to be under control), insomniac, socially isolated, resentful, withdrawn and has erased her brother from her life.
My youngest daughter: well she has just missed out way too much and has been left to her own devises too much, not mentioning that she has been exposed to many serious adult issues from an early age.
I do not want to exist. I have failed. I have not created a life worth living and to make my life more of a crime I have subjected three innocent lives to a life of emptiness and unhappiness with no possible vision of change ahead.
I am tired, sad, very defeated and in so much emotional pain, that my dreams have crumbled before they had a chance to flourish and I see no point why I have existed at all.
Be careful what you wish you, they may come true. I wished for motherhood, never ever contemplating the difficulties that my children and I may encounter!