If I had to describe my personality traits I would say that I was a thinker, a feeler and a lover. I think A LOT and I feel A LOT and when I love, I love A LOT!
Perhaps this is why it is so hard for me to move forward and let my son makes his own life decisions that are clearly dangerous decisions. We are not talking about a parent who is upset because instead of attending university her son has decided to be a brick layer or their child colouring their hair bright orange! We are talking about a mother's beloved son choosing drugs and alcohol and destruction over anything else.
Therefore, I think about the whys, I feel a lot of the hurt, but I still love him!
Anyone who has been reading my blog regularly or who knows me personally, knows that this has been a roller coaster of a journey. I have been all over the show. One thing that has remained constant is my love for my son. Along with that has been my thinking about drugs and mental health and trying to learn and understand as much as I possibly can at that moment in time. Throughout this journey I have felt, very intensely, many emotions.
My son and I are a lot alike in this respect. I know that deep down inside he loves me more than anyone so far in his life. I know that he feels a variety of emotions very intensely and that he has a magnificent brain that is capable of deep and complicated thoughts. The key difference being that my son tries to avoid most of his feelings and thoughts and that is his main "reason" for turning to drugs and that is why he enjoys them. Yes, it makes him feel better, it masks the pain, but it also dulls his thoughts and feelings until he has to take some more drugs. I feel like he is running away from his demons and himself to avoid the answers and thus chooses to self medicate. I, on the other hand, seem to chase my demons and myself in contemplating how we got here and how we can get the hell out of this dark place we have been stuck in for so long. Ironically, we are again a lot alike, in that neither of us is truly happy with life, this I know.
I have been having a very emotional time these last 2 months, more so than usual. Maybe I have lost my direction at times because of the high level of intense feelings and anxieties. I had to make the decision to have my son leave (with or without a place or a plan) to safeguard my daughters, particularly my older daughter whose thoughts of suicide were increasing. I had to cope with the Christmas holiday season without on of my children here with me in the family home with no satisfaction that he was somewhere nice he wanted to be, but that he was homeless, in a night shelter to sleep. I had to get use to my son being a homeless addict, homelessness which came from me not being able to neglect the needs of my daughters to live in a safe environment any longer, during the "magical" family oriented holiday season. After the New Year I tried to start making a new beginning for my daughters and myself at home while hoping that my son could also start making a new beginning by addressing his problems and maybe getting some help. We also started the New Year with my son being re interviewed in the criminal investigation into the possible drug manufacturing case against him. Still not knowing what the charge will be the New Year started off quite ambiguously.Then came my daughter's birthday and the horrible prank phone calls and not knowing where my son was for about 36 hours. Then, there was last Friday, my son's 19th birthday, the first with no family celebration. All these difficult emotional times had brought me back to a dark place, but now I am regaining some strength and trying to climb out of the darkness and appreciate the love and light that I do have in my life.
We still have obstacles and I am still in the process of recovery while my son is no where near ready for recovery, which in turn makes my recovery more challenging. Of course this also means it makes it more of a challenge to help my daughters recover, if I am struggling with my own and trying hard to believe and hope in my son's future recovery.
I am just a humble woman, trying my best to understand and help myself, my children and others out there suffering from the impact of addiction.