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Friday, 8 November 2013

Why Bother?

There comes a point when you realise all your hopes and dreams have been crushed.  You accept your helplessness and that there is nothing you can do to change all the things that bring you pain.
I am at that point. I understand why people turn to drugs. How wonderful it would be if these feelings could disappear,  even if only temporarily. That's why my son is an addict, so he can mask the unbearable pain. I wish I could take solace in something to make my pain go away, but I have nothing.

                                           

Life goes on, but we are not living. Why does life go on? Why am I and my son and my daughters to some lesser extent, living in this purgatory?  How can this be? I do not understand what I did so terribly wrong in my life to be surrounded by so much pain and suffering and injustice?  I do not understand how my precious, oh so very precious, son has turned into such a monster that I barely recognise,  driven by fear and anger and an insatiable hunger for mind numbing drugs? The happiest day in my life was when he was born. Never ever would I have expected our lives to go down these dark, dead roads.

It makes no sense.  I am tired of trying to understand. I am exhausted by trying to find solutions. I am drained by the endless tears and emotional pain.
I am helpless.  It all seems hopeless. I should except my defeat. While my son continues to live his life in his numbed bubble, I can't continue this lifeless life......
I always believed in magic,  in love,  in hope. I now see there is darkness that is impenetrable by those things I once believed in.

I must think of my daughters, but the fight I have been fighting alone for my son has been long and hard. It is getting harder with the passing of time and I am afraid I have given so much that there is nothing left now to give to my beautiful and innocent girls.
Damn those drugs that took over my son's true self. Damn you world for creating situations that caused my son pain and anxiety. Damn those people who caused my son intense emotional pain.  And damn myself for making wrong choices and not being strong enough, rich enough,  clever enough to have created a better life for him, for me and my daughters.