Family in Recovery

An addict is afflicted with a disease called addiction. A disease that there is no medication for and comes in many different forms. There are various theories as to what causes the disease and the cause maybe different for different individuals.

The reality is that it is a disease that affects those around as well. It is not a contagious disease like some but it is unique that it will affect those closely attached to the individual suffering from the disease. Those people will develop their own sickness of second hand addiction, leading to enabling, guilt, dysfunctional relationships, co dependency and often depression.

Reading the symptoms outlined in this following article, I think most of us who have been in any dysfunctional relationship, can agree that we have felt these feelings at one time or another.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992

• Low Self Esteem
• People Pleasing
• Poor Boundaries
• Reactivity
• Caretaking
• Control
• Dysfunctional Communication
• Obsessions
• Dependency
• Denial
• Problems with Intimacy
• Painful Emotions

This is not an easy list of "symptoms" to be living with and unfortunately development of co dependency is often a long process, but trying to move out of co dependency is even longer for some. It is a draining and challenges process.

I think a common misconception of those who have not been  personally affected by a loved one being an addict, believes that if that addict seeks or accepts help and enters some form of rehabilitation which may lead to recovery, than the problem is solved. Conversely, families or spouses who have finally made the extremely difficult decision to cut ties with  the addict they love because that addict is not ready for positive change, still get a similar reaction from "outsiders" that they can now live a "normal" life again.

What is often neglected when we speak of addicts and their recovery, or their continued addict lifestyle, is that in either cases, the family/loved ones they affected are in recovery. Obviously there are support groups such as Al-Anon, however, that is still a minority when you look at society and the people we all still need to be in contact on a regular basis. They just don't get it. Life does not magically change when the addict you love leaves or goes into rehab!

My daughters and I are still unsure what the future hold. We do not know how things will pan out with my son. We undoubtedly, feel less stressed and on edge at home; however, we struggle with normality and making any positive changes. Sometimes we feel the need to lash out because we feel angry or frustrated but don't really understand why. We avoid all mention of "him", and when I speak on the phone with him or mention him then my older daughter becomes visibly distressed. There is still a sense of fear but now the fear is less actual and more ambiguous. There is still a sense of dread and depression lingering about and it is hard to see a different life ahead, but not for the lack of trying. We are only in the very early stages of recovery and we will need to not only restructure our daily routines but our thought process and removes some triggers at home, such as the broken banister and doors with huge holes in them as well as redecorating "his" room...all reminders of more volatile days.



Before we take on any big DIY projects in the home (which I can not afford presently), we have started small. We are trying to remind ourselves that despite having overcome so many hardships, stressful and scary times, we have things to be grateful for. We now each have a "Grateful Diary". Every night before going to bed, we write down 3 things that we were grateful for today. My youngest started first and then I joined in a few days later. Much to the dismay of my less than enthusiastic 14 year old daughter, she has now started two nights ago. My youngest, without prompting was dutifully writing in her book for a good few days, had expressed how helpful she thinks it is because "it makes you think about the good stuff, and you feel happier"

We are a family in recovery. We love an addict and who continues to use and live in denial. Nevertheless, we are a family in recovery and I can only hope that my son will also enter his own recovery one day, but at this point in time I need to focus on our own recovery along with my daughters and start to slowly rebuild our lives.

                                

Time Goes By, But What Actually Happens?

Well a week has gone by in a blur and I am trying to think back and recall any events that happened.  I am finding it difficult.

                                

Last weekend was very dis-concerning and I worried how the week would progress if my son did not have access to the internet, my money and therefore drugs. However, it did not seem to be the escalation that I had worried about.

We started the week with an assessment for my daughter by CAMHS (child adolescent mental health services) to see if she wants to join the Emotional Resilient Group Therapy. All went well, but my daughter was quiet. The little she did say was very poignant. When truthful statements were made regarding the extreme situations we live with at home, my daughter was asked how she felt. It was very heart breaking when my daughter answered, "I want my brother to leave, but I know that he never will so none of this will end until  I  leave". I sat there and wanted to put my arms around her and shout out, "but I don't want you to leave"! The professional running the assessment then said to my daughter, "well, maybe you can turn that into a goal. You are clever and bright and you will probably want to go to university, so that can be a goal of you leaving home". I wanted to shout NO, but also wanted to cry when I saw the hope drain from my daughter's face, that said to me, "See, it will never end".

                             

Later that day, my son had a doctor's appointment in which his key worker came to collect him from home and went with him and brought him back again. Upon returning we sat down to talk about the appointment. The GP prescribed my son some anti depressants that should also help him sleep, with the aim of sorting his sleep pattern back to a normal routine. It was told to the GP that my son has barbiturates at home, so the prescription can not be filled until the drugs are disposed off. The three of us discussed this at home and my son refused to get rid of his drugs, so the key worker has held on to the prescription. She is aware and said openly that my son is being obstructive and difficult, thinking he knows best.

I had pointed out to the key worker the mess that still remained by the kitchen sink, the last remnants of my son's opium tea preparations. She told him that I am right in expecting him to clean up his own mess, especially if it is drug mess. So he got up and with a few angry moans and words, but he did listen to her and started to clean up. She then left and as soon as he did so, he stopped cleaning, though he was not finished.

This got me thinking, why did he listen to his key worker, but does not listen to me? Well, all I could answer myself was that when my son was a child I was his role model, but when he started adolescence he started looking more at his male role model in order to learn how to become a man, the process he was embarking on. My ex husband, never listened to me. He was very good at pretending to listen, nodding and saying that I am right, then turning around and doing what he wanted to do anyway and most often what he did was in direct opposition of what I was talking to him about. So now that my son is "a man" he is treating me in the exact way that my ex husband did, by paying no mind to what I say and in fact deliberately contradicting me and undermining me. My ex, through years of learning, could keep his anger at bay but it was none the less clearly felt. My son, being a hormonal teenager, of course has taken his role model learning but has not learned to manage his anger, so his reactions are much more explosive. The bottom line still being that he has learned not to listen to me now that he is no longer a child.

Wednesday was a long day full of appointments for me and my BRICK meeting in the evening. In between all that was a meeting at home with all my children, the social worker, my son's drug services key worker and a manager from Family Solutions. My son deserves an academy award of his performance of a well mannered, thoughtful young man who is ready to change and commit himself to working toward that change.

The outcome of that meeting was that of course my son will engage and of course he is committed to change. We will be de-escalated by social services, but if need be we will be be escalated to child protection, My son said he understands this and therefore will consider the community rehab and engage with the services at Open Road with his Key Worker. The fact that he has not disposed of his barbiturates and also that he has not applied benefits despite a mentor taking him to the GP to get signed off three weeks ago, and me filling out the long application, was also deflected by my son in the meeting.

My son is entitled to state benefits and he would receive some income in which he could contribute to the household, or even if he spent it on drugs, he would not be trying to steal from me! However, my son is too lazy or unwilling to sign the form and have it sent off! My son is unwilling to try the meds the GP wants to try, because he knows better. He says it wont work on the same part of the brain as opiates and sedatives, therefore he is not interested.

Over the course of the week I had to listen on a few occasions how I owe it to him to give him money or buy him beers or help him order Valium as a reward for giving up opiates and also since I have not shown any support or positive reinforcement. Of course I stood my ground and refused. Somehow he managed to sneak my phone away from me long enough to get on the internet and order his Valium, which he somehow paid for with out stealing from me. He also managed to be awake when the post came while I was out and sign for them...so now he is happier...but I am not.

                                      

I continue to be honest and try to make my son understand how things need to change, not so social services and everyone else will be satisfied and go away, but because I want things to change, for good. He asked me what he would get out of it all. I told him he would get a better future and a better life in the future, unfortunately he is still in denial and still thinks he can live his life at a satisfactory level with drugs.

Also in the meantime I continue to try to empower myself through knowledge and support. The BRICK meetings, the mentor training, my support worker sessions, this blog (and all the people involved in these) are all helping me feel that my intentions are right and good and that I need to be true to myself and stay strong. I am starting to rediscover that I am capable of so much and I will not be walked on by my own son but I will continue to try to get him the help he needs.